My mother is in a nursing home. She used to be able to walk with a walker, but now her legs are too weak so she is wheelchair bound. Because of her weight it is very difficult to get her around. I used to be able to do it myself, but now it takes multiple people to get her up from a sitting position. She also has issues with incontinence. I love my mom. She has missed a lot over this last year due to COVID. She missed her own mother's funeral because of COVID and the above. I am her only child. It is my wedding, so I will be tied up with other things. I don't know what to do without hurting anyone's feelings???
I’d livestream the legal wedding to her residence so she could enjoy BOTH.
I’d be very clear to all participants that EACH CEREMONY was to be a reflection of your love for all family and friends.
I’d propose this idea to your mother and ask her to help you plan it, if you think that might be enjoyable for her.
Her mental state regarding “her” participation is really so important for you both, and her reactions and understanding of the expectations put on her in order to experience your festivities with the joy she deserves, are really the middle of this whole decision.
Can her needs be managed respectfully and with total regard for her dignity while she is away from her residence? Will she be embarrassed if some unexpectedly difficult transfer or process proves necessary? Will you be embarrassed if something unexpected happens?
I think YOU, as the Bride, must be entirely comfortable with having her there and MOST IMPORTANT, not be concerned about her wellbeing as a very important wedding guest. Your focus belongs to your Groom, and the beauty of your day, and NOT your mom’s needs. So, decide what YOUR feelings are, WITHOUT GUILT, and move lovingly forward.
Please enjoy every moment of YOUR DAY, whether your mother watches it live streamed TO her residence, or is with you in the front row.
I hope your day is great in every way.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=Wedding
Also if she needs to stay away overnight, clearly find out how much leeway Medicaid - if she’s on Medicaid- allows for a resident to leave a NH. I think it is ok if under 48 hrs that they can be gone (unless hospitalized or under an ER run as those have more time away ok) and not jeopardize their bed “hold”. Medicaid can be a real stickler on stuff like this and the facility has to report if something is amiss.
The idea of hiring 2 staff from the facility she is in is excellent. They know how she rolls and she is used to them. Then book a health care transfer service that has a mobile wheelchair accessible van with a driver to pick up & return mom and the 2 helpers to / from your wedding. Btw this would be a tip heavily event and the driver & aides all get a meal at the reception. Mom should have a dedicated table for her and her “team” too. Let your venue know there will be handicapped guests as they should have an accommodation plan in place & available for you to use.
You can get a "medical transport" van to pick her and the caregiver up from the Skilled Nursing Facility at a specific time and then return to bring them back at a stated time.
It is also possible that your local Public Transit Service has vans and bus that will pick up and drop off. Often you need to provide them with 24 to 48 hour notice but that would not be a problem since you know the time and date you would want them picked up and dropped off.
Just make sure that whoever is taking care of mom has ALL the things she would need for the full day. If she is incontinent a change of clothes would be a good idea as well.
If so, you've been given great suggestions about hiring caregivers to help her. I would definitely not do it any other way. My grandmother came to my first wedding in 1985, and incontinence issues ruined the day for my mother, not to mention grandma's dress, because nobody made provisions for a caregiver to be there with her to attend to her needs.
If your mother is anxious about attending your wedding, that is natural; my father was w/c bound and too nervous to attend my son's wedding, so my son moved his wedding into my father's room at the ALF he was living in. Dad was dying and on on hospice care at the time, and my son didn't want him to miss his special day, so he had the ceremony in dad's room. That was different, of course, but dad had expressed his anxiety about attending the wedding before he went on hospice care. We were planning to do a Zoom type thing and allow him to view the wedding from a tablet without actually attending, had things worked out differently.
My point is, do whatever your mom feels comfortable with doing. Hire people to help her throughout the day if she really wants to be there and feels comfy doing so, or allow her to view your big day via Zoom.
Whatever happens, CONGRATULATIONS and best of luck to you!
I say that with the deepest respect as we too are in this situation. My nephew is getting married soon - his parents are my FIL's caregivers and the wedding is a destination about 8 hours from our home. We are all attending. We, as a family, made the decision to hire caregivers to stay with him here while we attend because it was such a huge undertaking not only to get him to the venue but also to figure out housing that would accommodate him (first floor or handicap ramp or elevator access at the beach), handicap bathroom with bars, handicap shower, rent a hospital bed, elevated toilet seat and all of his other accommodations, and somehow figure out how to get his motorized scooter onto the beach for the wedding.
The reason I say that is that you will need someone to see to all of her needs before, during and after the wedding - it will be very important to you and to her that she be able to attend your wedding as a guest and not as your responsibility to provide care for. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive. FIL decided it was just going to be too hard for him to try to go to the wedding because the location wasn't set up for someone his size on a scooter to move about freely, use the restroom, etc. She will need assistance with all of her normal needs and you won't want to stop each time she needs assistance and shouldn't have to do so. Your other family members are your guests, they shouldn't have to miss out on the festivities either. Again, I really hope that isn't coming off as insensitive, I really don't mean for it too. I just mean that should be special for all of you and whomever is responsible for caring for your mother should be there specifically for that reason.
Additionally, that person should be able to take her home if she gets too tired to stay, if she soils her clothing or needs to leave for whatever reason without too much chaos to the wedding festivities.
Congratulations on your big day. Planning ahead for your mother's needs will definitely help you and her enjoy the day a lot more!