My mother was placed in assisted living just over a month ago. Since then, I've been struggling to deal with her mood swings which has been exacerbated by her refusal to take her medication for depression. I never know how she'll be from day to day. She hates being in assisted living and wants to go home but due to the progression of her disease, that would not be safe for her. I try to avoid the subject most of the time because you can't win arguments with someone that is not in their right mind. But this makes our good days few and far between.
Recently, she's been insisting that my husband and I sell our home and take over hers which is totally paid off. She's willed the house to me and is insistent on us moving in there and it's very tempting. I'm hesitant though because I wonder what the reasoning is behind it. I know she wants to go home so I wonder if she wants this so she can guilt me into allowing her back there with us. We both have busy schedules and cannot care for her on a daily basis. She's much better off in the facility she's currently in.
We're currently discussing the possibilities of doing this. Mom and I will have a good day and she'll be very logical about the subject, saying she just wants to come and visit occasionally, promising "not to cling to the door frame when it's time for her to go home" but.....I'm not so sure. I worry about being placed in an impossible position in taking the house, selling ours, and having her visit. I'm concerned about her willingness to adhere to the agreement and go back to the facility after a visit.
We've given ourselves a few months to work through all of this. In the meantime, we're cleaning out the house, painting and preparing it for either our moving in or sale. I'm hoping mom will allow the psychiatrist at the facility to evaluate her mood swings and get her back on medication for depression. She had abruptly stopped taking it just over a week ago. We're hoping that this will level our her moods and make her easier to talk to again.
I'm curious about what other people here think of this situation and would welcome advise.
Taking a few months to see how things develop is a very sensible idea.
Everything else...
wondering what the reasoning is
she'll be very logical about the subject
concerned about her willingness to adhere to the agreement
Yes I should think you are concerned! Relying on your mother's reasoning to make plans would be like building a road on quicksand. Don't do it.
What your mother wants for herself is important. Help her to live as she wishes to as far as is possible.
But when it comes to your life, and your plans - she has no say in those. She might like to think of you living on in the family home, it's a very appealing idea, and to be fair to her that probably is the big attraction. Certainly talk about it as a nice idea. Do NOT commit yourself to any such thing. Waiting and seeing is FINE.
Sit down with your husband and make an advantage and disadvantage list of this. Be honest with yourselves. Then make your decisions based on that.
While there are many variables in dealing with a parent/relative with dementia, the one underlying constant is that dementia is ALWAYS progressive, and that there’s rarely (if ever) a timetable for when deterioration will take place.
Your mother’s good days do not indicate that she is getting better. They are a bonus to be enjoyed as such rather than a paycheck that one can depend on week to week. There is no “reasoning” that occurs in her actions. Your reactions don’t make the good days “few and far between”. Dementia is doing that.
Tragically for many of us as caregivers, while reasoning disappears, anxiety and depression persist. This disease has cost Mom her right to “decide”. She needs to take whatever meds are prescribed for her, and whether that means administering in a different form, telling her they are something that they aren’t, or ANY OTHER TOOL YOU CAN THINK OF, the decision is between you and her doctor.
We all take the unpleasant and often heartbreaking step of taking over. The person who was your mom and the person whom you are caring for now are no longer the same. You need to provide for her safety and basic needs. You cannot base those decisions on what she says. What she “insists” has no bearing on what she “needs”.
Most of us who have lived this life will tell you this. Bless you for your caring and your concern for her.
For now, I'll continue to prepare the house for either or. Things that would have to be done if the house were to be put on the market will still need to be done and will also need to be done if we move in.
I'm happy to report that she's agreed to speak with the psychiatrist on staff at the home today. She's also agreed to allow the home to handle all of her meds every day which eliminates the option of her being able to spend the night anywhere else. At least, that's what I'm going to tell her. Can't argue with the professionals right?
"She's also agreed to allow the home to handle all of her meds every day which eliminates the option of her being able to spend the night anywhere else. At least, that's what I'm going to tell her."
I think it's an excellent idea to hand responsibility for medications management to the home - saves everyone a lot of cold sweats and headaches. But if your mother swallows that as a reason why she can't be away even overnight, then the dementia really is getting a grip!