I am in my 30's, my parents are in their retirement years... and then there is grandma. She's not only a toxic person, but she's dangerous in a deceptive way- she's committed identity theft, embezzlement, fraud, etc... for years. Most of the family have relied on her schemes, except for my father and one uncle (who cut ties with her years ago). Currently, she and her second husband have only to sign the financial paperwork to move into an excellent (private, well-run) nursing home. They keep putting it off, because they don't want to pay. Instead they are pressuring my father to let them move in to my parent's house (which is handicap accessible, because of my mother's multiple health/ mobility issues). My mother has told my father she will leave him, if he lets his mother and step-father move in... with me (which would strain my marriage, but what is more alarming is my mother is 100% serious about leaving my father). I know my father is a generous and kind man. He raised me and my siblings to take care of our responsibilities. I know this is causing him health issues. I know he feels guilty. How do I help? I live out of state and am raising my own family, but a part of me wants to SCREAM at this toxic, b****h of a grandmother. She has only found my family worthy of her time when it was convenient for her needs. She has actively tried to break my parents marriage apart for over 47 years. She lies, cheats, and honestly if my father didn't love her I don't know if I would have any room in my heart for her. I want to tell her she is an adult and her lack of planning shouldn't put my father and mother in the lurch, but she would not care. Is there any way to help my father? my mother? even my grandmother?
There's really nothing much you can do except try to talk your father out of it but he's going to do what he wants to do in the end. If he still invites his mom to live with him when your mom is threatening to leave him, there's something more at play here than just your dad wanting to help his mom. Is he looking for approval from his mom? Did she withhold love when your dad was growing up?
If your dad makes the decision to place his mother's well being over his marriage something is wrong somewhere and it probably isn't anything you can help with.
Tell your mother she needs to sign herself into a VERY expensive, well run private care home , paid for by your dad. And she needs to file for divorce and the means to pay for care for the rest of her life. Grandma is trying to ruin YOUR life, too.
Don't fall for it, any of you.