Not even sure how to ask this? Due to a deteriorating home situation, and with the support of her doctors and care team, I found a beautiful memory care facility to place my Mom in. She has mid-stage Alzheimer's. I am her POA but live in a different city. It didn't seem to matter how kindly I presented the situation to Mom, the ride over there was horrible. She began cursing at me and said I was "putting her in prison" and "taking her to jail". Of all in the family, I'm the sensible, responsible, strong one, etc. But, I don't feel strong enough to overcome this. I know I didn't deserve the emotional battering she gave me. I know she has a disease. But I'm not sure how to overcome it? It left me hurt.
It is a hurtful thing to witness and feel someone attacking us in this manner especially if they were loving, sweet and kind people in the past. I'm no expert on this; so, I keep in mind that the brain is broken. It is no longer our loved one speaking during these moments, but this new behavior is being caused by the progression of the disease.
I work as a caregiver professionally, and I have shortened my hours when I have to deal with someone who curses and yells at me all day. I think that when someone gets to a point in their disease process where they are yelling, screaming and attacking their caregivers then it is that time for family members to start talking placement as in your case. Caregivers come in degrees of experience. Some may have a thicker skin to deal with this sort of thing. Others not so much.
You may want to single out some support groups. I know that the Alzheimers Association has a phone support person that you can call and talk to. I have definitely used them from time to time. It helps a lot.
”I didn’t cause this brain deterioration. I can’t fix it. Mom didn’t cause it. She can’t fix it.”
Say it 50 times, if you have to.
Then, get up tomorrow.
Say it 49 times.
Repeat it daily until you are down to 1-2 reminders per day.
Repeat it before and after each visit, if you need it, too. I sure do! 😀
Accusations of various types can come along from time to time. Its not easy to get over these. The latest one for me and my brother was that my dad is accusing us of trying to steal all his money. The "you have locked me up in jail" repeats from time to time.
I have to keep telling myself I'm doing what I think is right and the best thing, and to try to let these things go. BUt it is hurtful and not easy to let these comments just breeze by.
She apparently is not going gently into that "good night".
Here's the thing. You didn't cause any of this.
You couldn't have prevented it.
You cannot fix it.
There's no blame or fault or responsibility in this for you. In fact you are taking responsibility for her to stay safe, be safe, be cared for.
So, do you deserve what she did?
Nope. You don't.
I am 81. Let me give you a bit of HER SIDE in this.
She is suffering continuous losses one after the other.
Muscles, ears, eye, balance, skin intergrity, continence, appetite, mobility, privacy, control, home.
Trust me, I COULD go on.
She is looking forward now to the loss of the ability to make her own decisions on where she will live and what she will do and when she will see a doctor and how she will get there and when she will eat and what.
Soon she will lose her memories.
At that point all she was is GONE. Boom. Like a vocanic blast she is gone, melted into a puddle. But still forced to live on.
Is this not worth mourning?
Is this not worth anger and fury and hopelessness and helplessness and DESPAIR?
Because if it is not, I don't know what is.
So my response would be:
"Mom, this isn't really a matter choice for either of us, and both of us hate this, and I understand your DESPAIR, but this is how this has to be. No one hates more than me that I have to be responsible for this, but you are no longer well enough and I am trying to make you as safe as I can. I understand you are furious with me and cannot understand that right now, but it is my truth. I hope you can some day forgive me. But this is now how it has to be".
I am so sorry. You are a witness now to this, and that hurts. But you are now the "decider". That's more than a daughter. And she was likely mad at you as a daughter at times, too, right?
Weep with her. Despair with her. Let her know this hurts you. Let her know that you can never know how hurtful it is until it comes to YOU and it WILL.
I am sorry. My heart goes out to you. But I encourage you to awaken your empathy. Because no matter how unpleasant she was to you, your mother is in great pain. MUCH MORE PAIN than you have. Sorry. It's the truth.
Please take good care of yourself because this is hard to witness.
As I've said before, in the real world, excess longevity is NO gift for many elders who have lost their health, functional abilities, home, financial resources, (often) spouses and pets and (eventually) their mind. It's no gift for their families either, of course!
You've done the right thing, as you know. Just shocking to hear that from someone you love and are doing everything to help.
Don't expect things to get better. My mother treated me like garbage for the entire almost 3 years she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living. As if it was my fault she was 92 at the time, or couldn't walk, or had dementia, and CHF etc. Yes, we know it's rough to get old and face losses and disease. Some face their old age with dignity and grace, and gratitude for the gift OF getting old, while others throw pity parties for themselves. Yes, those with dementia "can't help it" yet many manage to treat caregivers and outsiders like solid gold while treating family like DIRT. That was my mother. She lashed out at me and deemed me The Bad Guy, as many do. Just know yourself that's not the truth and SOMEBODY has to have the cajones to Do The Right Thing or mother wouldn't get the help she needs. So now you're the target of her wrath.
Visit once a week and leave when and if the ranting amps up. Tell her why, too. I love you mom and made the best decision for you. It's unfortunate you disagree with that decision. See you another time when you're in a better mood. Set boundaries down for yourself and stick to them. Don't leave blood on the floor for a woman who's suffering from brain damage. Don't wonder if she really means what she says, you'll never know. Remember, you lost mom long ago. Grieve for that fact only.
I'm sorry you're facing a gruesome time of life. With dementia at play, we're forced to make the least of the bad decisions available to us. And we all suffer, ultimately. It's the nature of the beast. The only true peace I've felt in 10+ years of caring for My parents was when mom passed. Because then I knew SHE was finally at peace and finally happy.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Please know that you have done everything possible to care for your mom in the best way possible.
Of course, it hurts to experience what you have. I am glad that you are honoring your feelings.
Don’t ignore or bury your emotions. Everything that you are feeling is valid.
Transitioning times are filled with anxiety and uncertainty for the person who is struggling to understand what is happening.
Sadly, when someone is frustrated and confused they lash out at the person who is closest to them.
Knowing all of this doesn’t make the heartache any easier for caregivers.
In time, your mom will adjust because she has you as her advocate. Reach out for help when you need it. Feel confident that your mom will receive wonderful care in her facility.
You are stronger than you think. You’re going to adapt to this new reality.
This is unknown territory for you at the moment but before too long, you’ll figure out how to navigate these troubled waters.
Wishing you peace and sending hugs.
"I can walk" Except she had a broken hip & could not.
I didn't ask, but I'd guess she'd say she can wash her clothes & takes regular showers. Yet from the smell of her clothes & the layer of grey on her skin I would guess she cannot do either. The state of her feet indicated she could not reach them. Certainly no Podiatrist had either. Her clothes were so loose I asked if she had lost weight recently. "Of course not" she said. ? diet/malnourished. Maybe unable to prepare it, remember to eat or needed a softer/easy chew diet.
That is the reality of someone who has lost insight. Who's brain is telling them they are still OK, still independant.
I have not yet met her family. Where they aware? Was a weekly phone call still sounding fine?
Ninecats, as hard as that transfer into care was, for both you & your Mother, you know you did the caring thing. It may have seemed cruel to her, but it WAS a kindness.
I would & will do the same.
The lady I met today will be transfered into care in due time & no doubt she will go kicking & screaming too. What's the alternative? Rot away, literally rot slowly from fungal infections & sepsis or starve in your own home.
It is OK to feel hurt by your Mother's reaction. You are human.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
We can all share in the sadness of needing a care home.
You know it's not their fault, but it still hurts. My friend, who is a beautiful person inside and out, is constantly called fat, ugly (she is neither) and told that her husband is too good for her. My friend says, "its the disease talking" like a mantra, and says it doesn't bother her. But she ran out of the facility crying the other day after her mom humiliated her in front of a whole group.
We're only human and being verbally abused by our own mothers really hurts, even when we know they can't help it (((hugs)))
We can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother us even if we know that the disease is causing the behavior.
Meds help in some cases. It’s trial and error.
Sometimes, nothing works out well.
We have heard of family members on the forum who have stopped visiting family members anymore. They say that their presence triggers a negative response. It’s very sad.
How awful for your mom to have endured that experience with her mom.