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First find out if there’s any spare room to offer some healthy middle aged retiree or college nursing student who needs room and board to do a share care . That’s what I did for my parents . They did not have to help my mother full time but we created a clever schedule and it did not feel so overwhelming any more . And we didn’t have to put my mom into any home. She always went out and got her out of bed into a wheelchair into the sunshine every day until the last 4 days of her life. She died at home with the bird chirping , the dogs, her fav Elvis music etc . Ask yourself what your cognition will be like when you become 80 or 85 or 90 and you like your life and safety to of familiar faces but “they” want you gone into an isolated room to never move again staying forever in a bed or a hallway in a wheelchair for the next 10 years on meds and diapers .
Venting and I posted something on the technical page that AgingCare has. They responded by saying they are aware of it and trying to resolve the issue.
Start by telling her you love her dearly. Then, tell her that her needs have progressed beyond your abilities to care for her. In order to care for her properly, she will need to go to ________ for care.
If she has Alzheimer's, you can use some Therapeutic Lying. Example, "Oh, you'll be going to the hospital for a week of physical therapy" or something along those lines.
Tell her you love her and for her safety and long term care, you are providing her with 24/7 facility care so that you and she will know that she has 24/7 care in the event that you are ill ( which you will be one if not already) . Take her, help her get settled and then leave telling her you will be back soon ( do not give an exact day,time). If she is cognitively able to understand and remember what you are telling her, keep it short and proceed . Expect potential anger, tears, guilt tripping etc, do not let this deter the ultimate decision that you know is correct. If she is demented and not able to understand, do not frustrate yourself nor her with repeated long explanations, this only increases everyone's anxiety.
Can you tell us more background information? This would be helpful so that we can answer your question appropriately.
I am so sorry that your MIL has wrecked havoc in your lives. It’s never easy to have family members living with us, no matter what the circumstances are.
I feel it would be best to speak extensively with your husband about this situation. Tell him that you no longer want your mother in law living in your home and that you expect him to help his mother find new living arrangements.
How old is she? Is she in poor health? Are you the primary caregiver? What exactly is going on?
Whoa....a Nursing Home? A nursing home means that she is not able to care for herself (needs 24 x 7 care)
Based on the fact that you were encouraging her other son (the one who passed) to find a home for her, I suspect that she is not ready for a Nursing Home yet.
There are a lot of types of facilities that are house the elderly, all dependent upon how much care is needed: living in a condo by herself, independent living, assisted living, small residential homes, memory care, Please use the more accurate word for the type of living arrangement. "Nursing home" invokes anxiety in almost everyone, especially to the person who is being placed.
Please go visit these facilities, with or without your husband, to help you get educated on what each provide. The terms and what they provide differ between states and between facilities. When it comes time to "drop the bombshell," you want to be as educated in the alternatives as you can.
Also, as someone has previously posted, although you may have written this post, the person who has to break the news to her is your husband, not you. I would definitely come up with some alternatives first, then if you think that she would like to participate (as a way of selling the idea to her), allow her to choose between a few, previously vetted options.
Based on your postings, I suspect she wants out of your house too. She just doesn't know or needs help deciding what would be a good fit and affordable for her.
Why do you hate your Mother in law so much that you would do this to her? She lost her son, and now you want to get rid of her too. Why do you think she needs to be thrown out and should not be given a choice in where you want to dump her? There are better options. You can get in home care for her for example. There are programs that can help with the funding. We have one here called IRIS. Please look into all options.
This is very harsh. She doesn’t hate her mother in law. It seems that her mother in law needs more help than they can provide. It is not hateful to want a safe and caring place where she will have her needs met. Check your self when judging.
There are plenty of options besides nursing home. You had encouraged her son to find senior housing earlier. Is that out of the question now? There are assisted living places, too. Does your husband have DPOA, is her legal paperwork current? What are her finances like? Is she competent? Someone (your husband) needs to sit down with her and at least discuss her future and talk with her about those legal documents. Without them, there’s not a lot you can do.
Barb, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to preserve your peace. Whatever you do, though, if it’s headed to divorce, I strongly suggest you see a divorce attorney before saying anything or moving out. (You or them moving out).
There are things you might need to do before you let on that you are headed to divorce, like opening up bank accounts, etc. Taking user names off credit cards etc.
Protect yourself financially.
Also, I have no idea if this is true but someone told me once that the person who moves out is the one seen to have ended the marriage. I think the context was in some states, that might make a difference in the proceedings.
If divorce is actually on the table, it is really good advice to see a divorce attorney first. For women especially, unless they are independently well-off, midlife divorce (no support for adult kids) can be financially punishing. Depending on their financial situation, the wife may be awarded the family home but also the taxes, insurance and maintenance. She may or may not be awarded part of the husband's retirement accounts, if any. As far as MIL is concerned, I agree with other posts that Barb's husband needs to be the more active participant here in making appropriate arrangements for his mother.
Wow! It sounds like it's bad. Interesting that her dgt. has washed her hands of the situation.
Not really an answer but another question here. This is your MIL. So the director in this production is really your DH (Dear Husband). Is he on board with her move to a facility? As difficult and painful as it may be, he should want his wife and his married life back also. So he should np They really be the one telling his Mom that "we can no longer provide you the level of care that you need so we are finding you a good place where you will have care, activities and meet friends. We will be there often to visit and chat and maybe join some activities". It probably isn't going to down well and she will blame you but hold fast and stick to your guns. This is never easy. Good Luck
Barb 1206, I read the additional info you provided as a reply to CTTN55. If the situation you are struggling with has more to do with your marriage than w/ your MIL, please handle that separately. Did your deceased BIL have POA for his mother prior to his death? Does you SIL or husband now have POA for her? Ultimately, whoever has legal authority to make decisions for your MIL is the one who should talk with her and decide with her. The word with is used, instead of for, assuming she is still legally, and medically capable to make her own decisions. Although, I do not know "how bad" the situation is for you, I can imagine the past several years have been difficult for her too. She is a person that has been losing her independence, has been moved around, and whose son died. I wish you all the best with communicating, caring, and the changes.
As ventingisback has said, you cannot force her into a nursing home or any kind of residential facility if she is mentally competent. You don't have to allow her to live with you either.
I think you should get her assessed by her doctor to find out what her needs are if you suspect she had dementia and/or other health/mental health issues.
If she does have dementia and currently has no place to go, the best bet would probably be placement in a MC, NH, or AL because she will need constant supervision. Moving her into an apartment where she'd be living alone would not be safe and it will only get worse.
If she's fine mentally, then you can HELP your husband her son, to find her an apartment in a senior community. The rent in these places are often based on a person income bracket so they are affordable. Then hire her a homemaker/companion a few hours a week to clean, take her out, run her errands, etc...
If you love your husband and he loves you, and both of you want to stay in the marriage his mother nor anyone else will break it up. You and him should have a talk. A serious one.
I just told my Mom “ You need more rehab “ she was in the hospital and near death 💀 and really had no idea what was going on . She died a few months later .
You tell her honestly that you cannot care for her anymore. That you will try to find a good place for her and you will visit her and continue to help in that way, but that you have to have your own life now.
You are honest. If you are looking for a way to avoid rage or tears, don't. This is another loss in a line of many that come with aging. It is worth the grieving, but you didn't cause it and can't fix it, and must not sacrifice your own lives to it, imho.
I am so sorry, but remember in this to use the proper G-word, which is grief. This isn't a time for guilt. This isn't you fault.
If she has a Dementia, it will be hard telling her because she won't remember what you told her. My Mom had Dementia so we just took her. When we got there, we told her she was moving into an apt and was going to make new friends. And yes, your husband should be telling her.
Depending on her cognitive state, you can tell her a "therapeutic fib" (as suggested prior by Lvnsm1826). Or, that your home is having a problem (mold, gas leak, infestation) and that you all need to vacate for a while as it is fixed.
But if she has her faculties then your husband will need to have this conversation with her. It is totally reasonable and fair to say you didn't anticipate how the loss of privacy and the care commitment would impact your marriage, that she isn't getting the proper care she needs, nor the social exposure, etc. If she has her faculties but refuses to move out... that's yet another level of this problem.
As others have asked, please provide more info about the situation and her condition.
More info is really needed in order to provide answers. But... This is your MIL. Your husband is the one that should be managing his mom. He is the one that needs to tell her that he/you can no longer care for her. The question is..I should say questions are Is she cognizant? Does he have POA? Can she afford Memory Care if she needs that? You mention "Nursing Home" does she actually need Skilled Nursing or does she need help with ADL's? (Activities of Daily Living)
Please fill out your profile or add information to your question or add a comment. That will help a lot
She has been here almost 3 years she was living with a son in nj for 2 months before he passed unexpectedly yes both of us work FT outside the home, prior to living with her son in NJ she was living in a 4 family home we owned for the last 15 years we decided to sell and she went to live with him. We had told him repeatedly to find a senior apartment for her but he was always too busy and never did so when the house was sold, she went to live with him but like I said unexpectedly, he passed away two months later so now she had nowhere to go. She came here to Florida with us because her daughter in New Jersey don’t want no part of her, I never had a relationship with her. I haven’t seen her in the last nine years and now she is very intrusive in my home and my husband and I have no life and I’m ready to divorce him to get out of this situation.
Have you, as her current “landlords”, done any research into levels of geriatric care, nearby accessibility, availability of openings, legal responsibilities of POA holders?
Take a small step back.
It will help you feel better right now if you arm yourself with information about how and where and why to take the next step(s).
If her current behavior is very difficult to manage, it may be better to do your research BEFORE you mention “residential care” of any kind to her before you take any action.
Many or most of us here have experienced your desperation, and although this process is rarely if ever easy or pleasant, it will help you all if you know what you’re getting into FIRST.
Peace and hopes that after doing your homework that you can come up with a plan that can work for all of you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Venting and I posted something on the technical page that AgingCare has. They responded by saying they are aware of it and trying to resolve the issue.
Example, "Oh, you'll be going to the hospital for a week of physical therapy" or something along those lines.
Can you tell us more background information? This would be helpful so that we can answer your question appropriately.
I am so sorry that your MIL has wrecked havoc in your lives. It’s never easy to have family members living with us, no matter what the circumstances are.
I feel it would be best to speak extensively with your husband about this situation. Tell him that you no longer want your mother in law living in your home and that you expect him to help his mother find new living arrangements.
How old is she? Is she in poor health? Are you the primary caregiver? What exactly is going on?
Wishing you all the best.
Based on the fact that you were encouraging her other son (the one who passed) to find a home for her, I suspect that she is not ready for a Nursing Home yet.
There are a lot of types of facilities that are house the elderly, all dependent upon how much care is needed: living in a condo by herself, independent living, assisted living, small residential homes, memory care, Please use the more accurate word for the type of living arrangement. "Nursing home" invokes anxiety in almost everyone, especially to the person who is being placed.
Please go visit these facilities, with or without your husband, to help you get educated on what each provide. The terms and what they provide differ between states and between facilities. When it comes time to "drop the bombshell," you want to be as educated in the alternatives as you can.
Also, as someone has previously posted, although you may have written this post, the person who has to break the news to her is your husband, not you. I would definitely come up with some alternatives first, then if you think that she would like to participate (as a way of selling the idea to her), allow her to choose between a few, previously vetted options.
Based on your postings, I suspect she wants out of your house too. She just doesn't know or needs help deciding what would be a good fit and affordable for her.
There are things you might need to do before you let on that you are headed to divorce, like opening up bank accounts, etc. Taking user names off credit cards etc.
Protect yourself financially.
Also, I have no idea if this is true but someone told me once that the person who moves out is the one seen to have ended the marriage. I think the context was in some states, that might make a difference in the proceedings.
Good luck and I’m sorry this is where you are.
Not really an answer but another question here. This is your MIL. So the director in this production is really your DH (Dear Husband). Is he on board with her move to a facility? As difficult and painful as it may be, he should want his wife and his married life back also. So he should np They really be the one telling his Mom that "we can no longer provide you the level of care that you need so we are finding you a good place where you will have care, activities and meet friends. We will be there often to visit and chat and maybe join some activities".
It probably isn't going to down well and she will blame you but hold fast and stick to your guns. This is never easy.
Good Luck
I think you should get her assessed by her doctor to find out what her needs are if you suspect she had dementia and/or other health/mental health issues.
If she does have dementia and currently has no place to go, the best bet would probably be placement in a MC, NH, or AL because she will need constant supervision. Moving her into an apartment where she'd be living alone would not be safe and it will only get worse.
If she's fine mentally, then you can HELP your husband her son, to find her an apartment in a senior community. The rent in these places are often based on a person income bracket so they are affordable. Then hire her a homemaker/companion a few hours a week to clean, take her out, run her errands, etc...
If you love your husband and he loves you, and both of you want to stay in the marriage his mother nor anyone else will break it up.
You and him should have a talk. A serious one.
You need more rehab “
she was in the hospital and near death 💀 and really had no idea what was going on . She died a few months later .
That makes you out to be still engaged with her care, showing concern for her care, and wanting what's best for her.
Make it clear you aren't abandoning her.
You are honest. If you are looking for a way to avoid rage or tears, don't. This is another loss in a line of many that come with aging. It is worth the grieving, but you didn't cause it and can't fix it, and must not sacrifice your own lives to it, imho.
I am so sorry, but remember in this to use the proper G-word, which is grief. This isn't a time for guilt. This isn't you fault.
But if she has her faculties then your husband will need to have this conversation with her. It is totally reasonable and fair to say you didn't anticipate how the loss of privacy and the care commitment would impact your marriage, that she isn't getting the proper care she needs, nor the social exposure, etc. If she has her faculties but refuses to move out... that's yet another level of this problem.
As others have asked, please provide more info about the situation and her condition.
I can so empathize.
(((Hug)))
But...
This is your MIL.
Your husband is the one that should be managing his mom. He is the one that needs to tell her that he/you can no longer care for her.
The question is..I should say questions are
Is she cognizant? Does he have POA? Can she afford Memory Care if she needs that?
You mention "Nursing Home" does she actually need Skilled Nursing or does she need help with ADL's? (Activities of Daily Living)
Please fill out your profile or add information to your question or add a comment. That will help a lot
I have some questions, also. How long has she lived with you? Why did she come to live with you? Do you and your H work outside of the home?
Have you, as her current “landlords”, done any research into levels of geriatric care, nearby accessibility, availability of openings, legal responsibilities of POA holders?
Take a small step back.
It will help you feel better right now if you arm yourself with information about how and where and why to take the next step(s).
If her current behavior is very difficult to manage, it may be better to do your research BEFORE you mention “residential care” of any kind to her before you take any action.
Many or most of us here have experienced your desperation, and although this process is rarely if ever easy or pleasant, it will help you all if you know what you’re getting into FIRST.
Peace and hopes that after doing your homework that you can come up with a plan that can work for all of you.