I've lost most of my family over a period of a few years, one after the other, including my parents, grandparents, my sister's only two children (which were very close to me) several aunts, uncles, my only two brothers, and even several friends.......my 52 year old brother just died a few months ago in the ICU and I was never even told by the hospital how he actually died. He had an alcohol problem, and all I do know is that he was conscious and aware in the ICU one minute, and then gone the next.
8 months prior to that, our mom passed away from cancer. I stayed home at her house with her so she could get hospice care, but at home rather than dying in a hospice unit, potentially surrounded by strangers (that's not to say that the hospice people are not complete angels, because they are) I couldn't have done it without their help and real compassion.
I did hold my mom's hand as she took her last breath that July early morning around 2 am, and feel like I did make it to the most important engagement of my life (to be there for my mom when she passed away, and not let her pass away alone) and I'm extremely thankful that I got to do that. However, life for me truly changes at that very moment, and has stayed the same ever since. I remember looking up at the sunny sky that morning after mom was taken out of the house, and even the sky looked different. The trees, the roads I've traveled for many years, all just looked different.
I've never felt so alone, and could never have imagined this is how life would be at the age of 47.
I still function like a normal person, but feel different inside, and it's kind of a numbing feeling, mixed with sadness and regret. Why am I writing all of this? Perhaps others have experienced similar situations, and hearing it from other people may help just knowing that, yes, you will feel different. You may always feel this way. You'll still be able to move on. But most importantly, I feel like I should tell my story in the hopes that someone out there that isn't making time for their loved ones will read my words, and understand that it could all change in an instant leaving you alone in this world, just wishing you had one last chance to tell your mom you love her, or take your dad out to that car show he used to enjoy going to in his younger years...............
Each person in your life brings something to it. Good, Bad, Indifferent there is something that touches you in some way.
You take with you bits and pieces of each of these people.
You learn from the good, you learn from the bad.
Your relatives are all with you. Your hear your mom in the back of your head telling you "That's not how you make the stuffing" or You feel her looking over your shoulder when you look up the family recipe for that Easter dessert everyone wants you to bring.
You hear your dad telling you that the grass needs to be mowed.
Remember each of these people. Tell their stories. Keep them alive for the rest of the family, and for anyone that will listen.
When I was caring for my Husband I had very mixed emotions. (I always said I was ruled by 2 organs in my body my Head and my Heart)
I realized the tears I cried were not for him but for me. I was the one that was going to be left. To wish that he would not die was selfish of me, he would not have wanted to continue to "survive" as he was (I can not say he was living, she was a shell of what he used to be)
Grief is different for everyone. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. Or for how long. (I was a kid when my mom died, about 11 years old and 4 years later my dad died. It still hurts)
There is a line though Grief is on one side, depression on the other. If you need to talk to someone.
But what you are feeling is normal.
Be well
From a real good author Mitch Albom:
All endings are beginnings, we just don't know it at the time.
And
Love is how you stay alive even after you are gone.
and i'm very sorry for your losses.
your message made me have tears.
dear nevertoheal,
there must be a way to heal!
i'm sending lots of love to you.
you are/were wonderful to your family, dear nevertoheal. you were with them, until the end.
my father (he's 90), always says, keep alive the wonderful memories
inside you.
bundle
I suggest you get the book "Healing After Loss," by Martha Hickman. You read only one page per day, so it isn't too much to absorb all at once. We had a friend whose wife was killed in an accident, and he found the book so helpful he bought a case of them for his church to give to families who lose someone. I've given it to multiple people over the years, including a stranger on a plane.
Take one day at a time, make concerted efforts to get out among the living, and you'll get through this period in your life.
If you are a person of faith (I am not) there may be church or church groups. If you are a believer I might suggesting choosing a church. Volunteering helps people often enough and there are so many ways to do that now. My friend volunteers at a food distribution place to help those in need; she packs up the dog food in baggies, so nothing all that strenuous, but she has met like minded friends that way.
I am so sorry for all the grief in your life.
You are a kind and remarkable woman.
Don’t ever doubt that your love wasn’t felt by your mom.
She knows that you were beside her and that you now hold her in your heart forever.
All of your dear loved ones are at peace now and want nothing more than for you to be at peace too.
It is natural to grieve for those who have left this earthly world.
It’s healing for us to reflect and remember our time with them. Cry when you are feeling sad and alone. That is healing too. We don’t get over things. We work through them.
Our love doesn’t end when a person dies. Love continues.
We continue living after a death of a loved one. Perhaps not quite the same as before but we do survive, just as our loved ones wish for us. They don’t want us to die along with them.
Some of us lose people starting in our youth. When it rains, it pours. The deep losses continue to happen.
I wish for peace during this difficult time in your life.
Do not hesitate to speak to a grief counselor or attend a grief support group, even if it has to be online for now.
You’re right about the hospice staff being angels.
The nurses, social worker, chaplain and office personnel at the ‘end of life’ hospice facility where my brother died were such a comfort to our entire family.
"When the mortuary men took Dad away in the fog in the early morning hours of June 6, 2017, they left a gigantic empty space where he’d been. Dad’s body was gone, yes, but so was . . . everything else. I described it to a friend at the time as something like a vacuum. Even when the Old Man was dying, I felt secure knowing he was still with us. But after he died, it felt as if something tremendous had been sucked out of the world."
I felt exactly the same way when they took my mother away. You are not alone. Peace be with you.
Now I am completely alone. Come a holiday, it’s just me. Need minor surgery, so a ride there and back - I have nobody. I walk in the world but I am disconnected, with not a single close blood relative. I feel like an invisible woman. And there is no cure.
Of course, these new relationships aren’t the family members that you lost but it is better than being alone. You may end up forming very close friendships.
so, no thanks, I don’t want to be involved in these sorts of activities. I’d rather be with the dead people like me.
if you are youngish, then yes.
but if you are over 55, maybe not.
I did try it and I got a look like — you are old enough to know that people die, what is your problem? I tried to explain that everyone died, but therapist was unmoved!
My grandmother passed at my age of 12 and another uncle at my age of 21. Then my father passed unexpectedly with pneumonia at my age 22 and my mother very unexpectedly passed from cancer when I was 24. My whole life I have been surrounded by losses and every day I just think they are all looking over me and are proud of me. It's very tough though and I'm sorry that I don't really have much of an answer other than being able to relate extremely well. Sometimes it is good to know you are not alone in this type of situation. I never personally met anyone else in my situation it seems very rare.
Imagine your family cheering you on. They would want you: to be happy, find ways to get up again, have fun, find solutions to your problems, explore new, unexpected hobbies and passions. Use life to the fullest. :)
Poodle :)
It's very difficult to describe my feelings as well. Like you say, you just end up functioning, and I find that's it. I have to force myself just to do day to day basic stuff, and to be honest the feelings are overwhelming ad soon as I start to dwell on me now having no family. My brother, mum, dad, all gone. I have no one. I guess reading about others in the same situation does help. But like you say, things change. For the worse.
The best you can do is try and find something new.
I know what you mean about the sky looking different the morning after. My Dad passed at his home in January of this year, and Mom and I were his around the clock caregivers. I felt immediately as if there's a hole in the world where my dad used to be. And that doesn't really explain it either.
I haven't had time to grieve or process what I think, since I'm now my Mom's caregiver. I don't dare feel too much, because there's no time for me to fall apart.