I take care of my 94-year-old father who is in an assisted memory care unit. He relies on me for everything. I am an only child so the responsibility falls solely on me to take care of him. My husband is good in helping me out by going to visit my father a couple times a week. I have a daughter that does the 20 minute visit with him once a week.
My father is friendly with visitors and my husband but when I go he is very demanding and wants things done a certain way. I feel once again I’m the little girl. My father is not an easy person to take care of because he’s very demanding and stubborn and he’s always gotten what he wants and he doesn’t like that he can’t control his environment anymore.
My father had to go into the hospital with double pneumonia due to aspirating food and then went to rehab. I was with him every day for over a month.
Also, the facility that he’s in seems to be slipping in their care of their patients which is frustrating. He was supposed to have mechanical soft food and it took a week for them to do that and he is supposed to have pills crushed or put in applesauce because he has a swallowing problem. I caught the med tech giving him a Capsule to swallow one night after he returned from the hospital.
My dad had to go to the ER last weekend because of a bowel impaction because when he returned from the rehab facility the orders were to give him something for his bowels as needed. The memory care facility didn’t give him any thing for his bowels when he got back ( he was usually given something every day at the memory care unit )and after five days he was at the ER.
I am frazzled from having to do my fathers hitting all the time i’m trying to do things for my husband as well as trying to watch the facility in the care that they give to my father.
When my dad needed to go to memory care I checked out nine different facilities in the area. At the time this memory care unit seem to be the best but in the past year their care has not been as good as it was at one time. I have met with the director of the building on different occasions and they have listen to me and have made some changes but I feel they are still lacking when I have to still watch over my dad every day. None of the other memory care facilities have good reputations.
I’m exhausted and I’m getting headaches and I feel like I can’t get enough sleep. I’m not sure what to do to get myself back to where are used to be.
I need to have you look at this constant visiting, constantly needing to be there or know someone else will, devoting every single second to your father, or to THINKING and WORRYING about your father when you aren't there in a different way. You are seeing it as a need. It isn't. You cannot prevent mishaps and problems in this long slow slide your Dad is on. So you are making this your life choice. As though this is YOUR end of life care. It isn't. It is where your Dad is.
You have a family. Your devotion, love and caring is now for your own primary family first. Then for your father. The truth is that he may be a good deal more appreciative of a healthy, glowing, non-worrying daughter three times a week, than a worrying, questioning, fretting, never-can-do-it-right daughter every single day.
Your Dad is in memory care now. Let them care for him. Clearly he has many problems, one of them being difficulty swallowing. This will be ongoing for him. As might hospital visits. I am so sorry, but you are making this not just caring for your father, but obsessing over your father now, to the extent you are giving up living your life.
Discuss this with your family. Try to come to some limits on all of this, or you will wear out to the point where you yourself become sick. The constant feed of stressful hormones into your system is deadly. You do not deserve it.
If the care isn’t up to pat you will have to speak to the facility about your concerns.
Is he demanding about legitimate medical needs or is he asking for unreasonable requests from you that won’t make a difference regarding his care? If these demands aren’t necessary than tell him you will not be able to help him. If it is important than you can be an advocate for him.
As far as being an ‘only child’ even people who have other siblings don’t always have help with caregiving. It stinks and you aren’t alone.
I hope you take the time to catch your breath and regroup. It sounds like you are frazzled and reaching the end of your rope.
Best wishes. I hope that you find peace very soon. Hugs!
You need to draw some boundary lines. He IS being cared for. Not perfectly, but perfect does not exist. You have to learn to be OK with that.
Please start cutting back on your time there. If you go X hours per day, cut it in half, today and every day moving forward.
Since he is in memory care, he will not know for sure that you are there less. If he does complain about it, that's ok. Let it roll right off your back.
You can still keep an eye on things in a much shorter period of time.
Good luck!
It certainly can reach that point of having to place someone. It’s hard no matter if a person is being cared for in your home or in a facility.
I truly hope that you get relief soon. It’s exhausting to be stressed.
Try to let go of what you can and realize things will never be perfect. You are a great daughter and he's lucky to have you!