Thanks for all the responses to my previous post!! It really helps me to feel like I’m not the only one going through this type of stuff.
Mum, 86, has been with us for 6 months while she recovers from an op. My hubby has been really supportive but has made it clear that mum living with us permanently is not an option for him or the kids and to be honest (although it makes me feel like a really bad person to say it) I’d be miserable too.
The 5 siblings and me have had a couple of zoom calls and have decided that as mum who has cognitive decline won’t even talk about AL or NH and has said that she wants to return to her own country (Ireland where only one functioning alcoholic sibling lives -sis). We now need a break and luckily my brother has offered for mum to stay for the rest of summer at his house and then he will take mum back to her home. He’ll settle her in for a week before heading back home himself. In the meantime we’re trying to get in-home care set up plus adapt the house with rails, walk-in bath etc.
it’s two weeks to go until I take mum to my brother's and I’m feeling so worried and anxious about it. Very close to tears a lot of the time. Mum is mobile and continent which is great. However I feel like her memory is much worse than the doctor has diagnosed and although she’s ok in our home where she has almost constant company and help with remembering so is very safe. I don’t think she’ll be able to cope at home and I know I need to let it happen so that we can move on with more appropriate care for her but it’s just so horrible. And I feel like such a horrible person for being unable to offer a better solution. I sometimes wonder if I’m grieving for the mum of the past and am anticipating the inevitable decline and passing even before it happens. Which is awful too. I feel like all the joy has gone out of life just now. I’m keeping in going and looking after everyone but it’s so hard and there’re are no perfect solutions.
How do you get past the guilt and anxiety and thinking into the future? How do you let it go and try to live in the present?
You've done more than anyone so far. Don't YOU feel badly!
My siblings have their own issues (alcoholism, financial limits, family issues, etc) and are trying to help in their own ways. Some more than others but I think that’s the case in any family. We grew up with an alcoholic, gambling father so that’s in all our backgrounds too.
Sometimes I get frustrated with some of them but I try to remind myself that they are only human like me, they have their own family dynamics going on that I’m not fully aware of. I’ve actually found that if I ask directly for what I think is needed usually at least one of them can help or support so that’s something to be really thankful for.
If you are having a "gut feeling" about her living by herself I think you are correct. In a care community facility she will have much more social enrichment and many eyes on her. With cognitive decline and her decreasing ability to work from reason and logic and reality, she doesn't really get to decide that she doesn't want to live in a facility. Her wanting to "go home" to her childhood home of Ireland stems from her dementia, since it is in her long-term memory.
If I were in your shoes, I'd spend the time she's with your brother to commiserate with the siblings on arranging to transition her into a care facility, even if it requires a "therapeutic fib" to do so. Once in her own home, and knowing her cognition and memory are definitely declining, the inevitable outcome is she quickly proves she can't care for herself safely, no matter how many rails and ramps are installed. How will she buy food? How will she cook it if she forgets how to use the stove? Will she bathe? (Probably not, as is very common with many seniors). And, what if she fires or fends off the in-home helpers (as is also very commonly done by seniors). And on. You and siblings will be exhausted trying to fix what she undoes on a daily basis. Please read other posts on this forum under Burnout.
Transitioning her will feel hard for a while, then it will get better. Please do not feel guilty, as you've done nothing that is evil, immoral or unethical. Think of it as grief. It's ok to grieve. You've done yeoman's work and should feel peace about it.
You recognize that problems are on the horizon and you seem to have a wonderful sibling. Talk together. If there is not already a MPOA and a FPOA, decide who best can do this with the other as a second, and go with Mom to an attorney to get this done while she still can.
Remember, it is normal to worry about what is in the future. Any animal hates the unknown, and fears it. And we all DO it. At 80 now, you must know I imagine the catastrophes that can/that WILL eventually happen. Wonder what they will be. Wonder what I can do about them.
I sure do wish you the best and am glad you and your brother support one another. Whether Mom returns home (and what shape is SISTER in?) or she stays here in care, you will continue to love her within the limitations of your own life. And you ARE human, and you DO have limitations.
My very best to you. Remember, GUILT belongs to felons and they seldom feel it.
You’re right I really need to let go of labelling myself as guilty. I am worried, frustrated, teary, emotional, caring, angry at the situation but I am NOT guilty of anything. There is no perfect solution, I am not perfect and I can’t fix it all. I have limits and my family have limits, I won’t walk away from mum but I will try to accept that what I can offer and how I can help is enough. It’s all so sad!!
It was actually a family joke. I loved her dearly, and she loved me dearly as well, but we truly were like oil and water.
After she shattered her hip in a fall, it became obvious to all of us that dementia had become part of her issues along with everything else.
You know what I dId THEN? I INSISTED that she needed a trial of living with ME.
It was a disaster. Sometimes I think back and wonder how I survived it. I gained 60 pounds, and lived on 4 hours of sleep every night.
Getting “appropriate care” turned out to be a BLESSING for us both. She LOVED her caregivers in the excellent residential center we found, and THEY loved HER.
What you have said as you describe her current situation represents exactly the thoughts that compelled ME to make a mistake that could have ruined both of our lives.
Yes, the mum that you cherished is no longer present. But the mother I was able to visit every day for 5 1/2 years was STILL a tough old gal that I loved just as dearly.
NO ONE thinks of residential care as a haven, least of all a confused 90 year old in constant pain. But it really TRULY WAS for my mom.
You are NOT a bad person because you are willing to deal with reality. Some stories don’t have the happy ending we imagined. But often, a good safe ending works as well as we can manage to provide.
Caring for a vulnerable confused adult doesn’t always have a “yes/no” answer.