How do you think of things to talk about with your mom that has dementia?

We talked a lot about seasonal changes and what the children are doing. We talked about the children going to school etc.

My husband had the idea of telling his (Alzheimers) Mother stories from her life - she remembers nothing - but he makes her bigger than life in every story. She is the one who "saved the day," she is the one who had the funny take on the situation, she is the one who took the more interesting path, she is the one who knew the perfect thing to do in a tight spot, she came up with the funny prank, she knew best how to deal with a situation with the kids, she had the most fun on vacations, etc. She loves hearing of herself in such a positive light. It doesn't have to be the truth, it doesn't matter if it is the truth. It is just "telling a story" that she in fact does want to hear. Their visits are very positive, even if she isn't sure who he is.
NH living

My mom is slipping away from dementia. We get along better now than we did 2 years ago. She is in a wonderful facility . The people truly love her and all the other patients. They are kind and caring. Lots of activities to suit anyone. I go and do the activities as much as I can. Bingo and special singers are her favorite as she was church piano player for 65 years and our family had a gospel singing group. Even though she doesn't understand Bingo all the time she knows we are together. And I love all the other people.
She sees me coming and is glad I'm there to visit. I decorate her room for the holidays and seasons. Usually I stay an hour , no more than 2. Sometimes we just watch TV together.

It’s hard to talk to my Mom whom has had dementia for over 4 years. Since she’s hard of hearing and she doesn’t want to wear any hearing amp or get her hearing tested at a hearing center. Had an appointment set up at Beltone Hearing Aid Center Sept of last year. She didn’t want to get dressed and her knees have bad arthritis. Anyway I only talk to her when I am her Caregiver in the morning until my older half Sister comes here to take over at about 2 or 3 pm. Just what my Mom wants to eat for breakfast and some small talk. She watches Fox News so I reiterate a little of what’s being said sometimes. She’s very insecure and has sundowners syndrome. So going to sleep is an uneasy thing for her. She takes 50 mg Queteapin and 50 mg of Tradozole. She gets up after she is supposed to be sleeping a couple times or more late. So she has a Palletive Care Nurse that comes once a month to check on her. She yells loud for me by my name from her bedroom or the living room. I finally figured out to use the mic function on Garage Band app on my iPhone or Voice Recorder app on my Android by Bluetooth. I don’t care to get up and down from my bed or old recliner. I had umbilical hernia surgery repair last July 19th and it was more than 2 hours. The prep took awhile before it. Well hopefully my Mom takes a shower because my Sister can’t get her to take one since over a month ago. We can’t talk her into doing it. I thought aromatherapy might help. Have a good one. Paul C.

Play Old Movies and Music . Talk about their parents . Have a Photo album. My Dad seemed to remember his childhood very well . And he Knew all the words to Old songs . He Liked to watch Old Movies with Humphrey Bogart , Bela Lagosi , PBS , 60 Minutes and read the Sunday Newspaper . he Liked to dance so we went to His favorite Place to dance on the beach in Maine .

My Dad doesn't talk much at all. It is hard to get him engaged. Sometimes he will perk up if we see a deer outside. He doesn't want to go for walks most of the time, won't do puzzles, doesn't read except the newspaper & once in a while some fishing and hunting magazines. He just wants to drive, which he can't, due to physical & mental issues. I try to take him for drives at least once a week but he gets tired & is in pain so sometimes not so pleasurable. He doesn't even watch much TV any more. It doesn't hold his attention. He loves NHL football but even turned it off after an hour into the game recently because he was bored and couldn't concentrate. He just lays in bed most of the time. I am looking into AL where he might engage with other people but it's a process & trying to see if he can afford it.

Shelly, with my granny, she led, whatever she had to say was what I talked about, however, I always did things with her. We changed and fussed over her baby, a doll she loved, then we put the baby down for a nap, went and shared a coke, that always brought laughter because the bubbles tickled her. Then we went for a walk, outside weather permitting or inside, after that we played catch with a soft, fuzzy teddy bear. That was usually enough activity for 1 day, about an hour, hour and a half, then granny was ready to get the baby up and relax for the rest of the day.

Going to them is the most important thing. My granny had no idea who anyone was but, she could still feel the love and reacted to that.

I think finding things that bring laughter and joy in the moment are the best ways to spend visits. Whatever that may be for your loved one.

With my Mom we talk about the past.. She can relate with most things we talk about.. If she doesn’t we just move on to another memory from growing up.. I also try not to correct her.. She doesn’t remember her family members are gone.. Just try to go with the flow.. It gets easier and she doesn’t experience anxiety with things she can’t remember.. Some days she even says she saw her Mom today.. I just tell her , well that’s nice Mom❤️

Play audible books, listen together, and discuss them as you go. That will work before her dementia becomes severe.

ShellyF: Although thankfully my mother did not have dementia, she enjoyed bible verse recitation from me as she was a legally blind woman. Knowing that all here may not be religious, perhaps any number of stories could be read aloud.

Easy talk about the past. Even with dementia most have long term memory. The best part is a few minutes later you can ask the same question again.

There are many things that a dedicated caregiver can do to help their loved ones engaged and happy.

Here is an excerpt from my recent book "Dementia Care Companion" available from Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BFV21P1V 

Fun and Games to Gain Traction
Turn daily tasks into stories, and activities into play. Keep them fun, narrate the steps, add a little challenge, offer an attainable goal or reward, and mix in lots of encouragement. Try different activities and approaches to find what works, and then tweak it to get the best results.

Storytelling
Listening to stories helps keep the patient engaged, without putting too much cognitive burden on them. Patients usually enjoy simple stories that end happily. Folk stories are often great for this purpose, especially if you narrate the story with feeling and flesh it out with bits of your own creative ad-lib. Ask the patient for help in ending some of the sentences, and make the activity into an engaging experience for both of you.
·      Add a story to most things you do. It can be as simple as talking through the steps as you prepare the patient for a bath, or a full narration of a folk tale as you keep them company. Stories help focus the mind on the activity at hand and ward off anxiety.
Storytelling Game
In this type of storytelling, one person starts a fictitious story. The next person continues the line of thought and adds something to the story. This activity goes round the room with each person adding to the plot, mostly using humor. The funnier the story, the better the experience.
Make the experience accessible to the patient by telling the story slowly and using simple words. Wait patiently when it’s the patient’s turn to participate. Even when the patient is unable to participate by adding to the story, they nevertheless enjoy the fun atmosphere, especially if the story or the manner in which it is told is funny or amusing. You may find that stories involving sudden and simple punch lines are easier for the patient to enjoy, as the combination of surprise and simplicity is somehow easier to grasp.

Other Games and Activities
When engaging in activities, remember that the goal is for the patient to have fun and enjoy the activity. It doesn’t matter if they do it incorrectly or fail to observe the rules of the game.

Playing Catch
·      Fill a small bag with beans. Gently toss the bag to each other and try to catch it.
·      Cut a hole in a board or cardboard. Paint the board in a bright color, and try to throw a small ball into the hole from a distance of a few feet. Alternatively, you can use a bucket or a basket instead of a cardboard cutout.

Puzzles
·      Draw simple geometric shapes with a part missing, and ask the patient to finish the drawing.
·      Write a simple sentence or proverb, leaving one or more words out, and ask the patient to fill in the blanks.
·      Tear up a page from a newspaper or magazine into large pieces and ask the patient to put the pieces back together using masking tape.
·      Help the patient put together a jigsaw puzzle.
·      Collect different coins and ask the patient to help you organize and count them.
·      Put a number of familiar objects like spoons, forks, and plates in a bag or a pillowcase, then take turns pulling an item from the bag and, without looking, try to identify it.

Other Activities
·      Help the patient to color children’s coloring books.
·      Make a ball from wool yarn with the patient’s help.
·      Help the patient knit simple things, like a scarf.

The Joy of Reminiscing
People with dementia usually enjoy reminiscing about the past. During the early stage of dementia progression, the patient may happily recount past events to family and friends. Over time, the patient will forget parts of the story and will readily fabricate new parts in their place, believing that the patchwork is the true story.
Eventually, the patient will forget the names of objects, people, and places. With deep

I just talked to my Husband. Now I never got much of a response, he was non verbal probably the last 4 years of his life.
But just talk about anything you want to talk about.
If she is talking just ask questions about what she is saying. It does not matter if what she is saying makes no sense. If you can't think of anything to ask her just say:
"Oh, that is interesting"
"What did it look like again?"
"What color did you say the----------was?"
Any of these may get her to continue talking.
If she changes subjects just go with the flow.
If she is up for answering questions you can ask about her parents, what her school was like. Anything that you might not know about her or her family.

I will caution on one thing....
Anyone that has had trauma of any kind may begin reliving it or it may rear it's ugly head after being buried for many years. I cofacilitate a Support Group and one of the people that was sitting in on a few of the meetings has been diagnosed with dementia and during one of the meetings she "hinted" at the fact that she had been sexually abused by her father. Since our meetings are held in a "Senior Living facility" I did let the facility director know what was said just incase this became a problem for this woman. At least the facility would be aware of past trauma.
So be aware that things may come up that you might not be ready for.

Well, it was very difficult to talk to my mother because all she did was complain. About who she hated (She lived in Memory Care), who was bothering her, how nobody ever called or came to visit (not true), how the food was horrible, how the relatives ignored her, how life sucked, etc etc. I tried to find neutral subjects to talk about, like the weather or a tv show she liked. Like JustShootMe said, when dad was alive, all she ever spoke about was how terrible he was, how useless, how he was faking his pain and ailments.....in spite of him having a brain tumor and cancer and being wheelchair bound! I think she was shocked and annoyed when he had the nerve to actually die. Sigh.

Relax into the moment is truly a laughable suggestion, because with dementia, the word "relax" doesn't exist for a large majority of elders or visitors.

At one point, my mother decided she didnt want ANY of her photos or photo albums. They were all useless and she asked me to throw them out. I took them home and they're with my photo albums now. So looking at photos was not a thing to do with the woman either 🙄

All I could do was listen to complaining and gossip about others until it was time to leave. As moms dementia worsened and she could no longer understand language very well, things improved a bit from a complaining standpoint. But she'd start yelling WHAT? constantly and I'd have to speak louder and louder to be heard, and then she'd say, "why are you screaming at me, I'm not deaf?"

Communication with an elder can be VERY VERY difficult and I sympathize with everyone going thru this. ShellyF, just do the best you can and consider yourself ahead of the game if mom is not causing a pit to form in your stomach every time you visit.

Best of luck to you.

Well, I believe some of this is intuitive or instinctual.
One needs to be PRESENT with what is while being 'on' to communicate.

I wouldn't be stiff about it.
If you are uncomfortable - feeling a need to think of things to talk about - do not talk, simply smile and hold her hand.

Silence is golden is a phrase for a reason.

Some of the most 'important' communication is non-verbal.

Since she has dementia, she likely won't 'really' care what you talk about. What will matter - affect her more are non-verbal cues: facial expressions, tone of voice, touch.

You could talk about your day ahead or your plans for the rest of the day.
I doubt it will matter much to her what you talk about.

WHAT MATTERS TO HER is that you are there, caring for her, loving her.

Relax into these moments. Look her in the eye and smile.
Perhaps brush her hair ?
Massage her hands ?
Give her a manicure ?

If you feel it would support you, bring magazines and talk about the pictures/photographs. Birds, 'cute' animals - flowers - whatever she might have been interested in prior to dementia. Just be aware that her changing brain could 'see' a 'cute' monkey or elephant as a scary animal. We do not know how she might interpret what she sees visually.

I'd recommend you relax and just talk about yourself, your memories of her, your day, how you appreciate and love her. She'll get it.

Gena / Touch Matters

I visited my mom after I placed her in an ALF. I would push her wheel chair to the garden. I started giving names to squirrels, lizards (we are in Florida). I even named the trees she loved. It became a request to go visit “lizzy”, “Charlie” and “buster”.

I know it sounds elementary but, after all, it is about giving them pleasure and happiness. If we did not see one of them, she would ask me, “ I wonder where lizzy is today”.

I tried to live in her reality rather than trying to force her into mine. You can only look at photos so many times. The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten.

My step mom is married to my dad. She has dementia and my dad has severe mobility issues. They live alone in a big house, but I go over every day in the morning and stay till the afternoon. In the evening they are by themselves. Her daughter and grandkids live across the street but have very little involvement in helping them. My dad and step mom make to much money for them to get assistance in the home. They would have to pay out of pocket for it, neither one of them want to do that. My dad is the one that pays all the bills and takes care of the house hold. Her kids are letting her make decisions that she shouldn’t be making. I do all I can to help, but I also have to help my own mom, who is elderly and has mobility problems too. I have spread myself as much as I can. It leads me hurt, depressed and so worried about my dad being in the house with a confused, combative, and very jealous person. Growing up she never wanted my dad to have a relationship with me and my sister’s. She did nothing for us, it was all about her and her kids. Now I’m left to do what God wants me to do and that’s to help her as well as my dad. Sometimes I feel she knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s very manipulative and has tried to turn my father against me, even though I’m the only one that helps on a regular basis. I’ve been burn out since I found my dad unresponsive last year In his bathroom. He had to be rushed to the hospital. Thank God I went over that day to take food. I pray for all families who are dealing with the difficulties of a family member with dementia.

My mom likes to talk about most things from her past - her childhood, teen years, my dad (who divorced her on their 45th wedding anniversary but she doesn't seem to remember that and I NEVER mention it). We talk about the places we lived as a family, her job as an art teacher. I always try to make her laugh about events from her past!

I never correct her but rather redirect her. I was her least favorite child (of three) but she doesn't seem to remember that either ;)

i just comment on what I’m doing… my mom likes to stand next to me when I’m cooking. However all she wants to talk about is my dad. How difficult he is, how annoying, etc, often not making sense. Around my dad, she just mutters insults and curses at him all day. She’s the one with Alzheimer’s, and he CAN be difficult but she does this all day regardless of the situation. So conversations are limited.

Sometimes you dont need to talk just to be there. Maybe a little soft music. Maybe your mother had an interest in something - flowers - gardening - and you could try and plant a little bulb together in a pot and watch it grow. One of my friends would just sit with her mum and some soft music to help calm her. Some days her mtoher wasnt able to communicate - some days her mother remembered something fromt he past and was upset. She would just sit with her and some music calmly just being there for her mother. A hand held can speak 1000 words sometimes? Good luck.

We got my mother a Skylight frame, available on Amazon, and everyone uploaded pictures to it. Old pictures, newer ones of kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. Also the house she and dad raised us in. Lots of pictures from throughout her lifetime and it ran on a continual loop. She loved it and we always had fun watching it together. She was deaf and didn’t sign so this was great for us.

That’s why I found reading aloud was a lot better than trying to make conversation. I did a stint of volunteering at the local aged care section of our small rural hospital, reading aloud to whoever turned up. If you try it, go for short short stories, preferably things they might remember from childhood (eg Milly Molly Mandy or the USA equivalent), or school poetry, or children’s Bible stories or well known hymns. One session I read the whole of the Sermon on the Mount – in church you normally only get a snippet of anything. They mostly want to listen, but of course you pause so that they can chip in if they want, with memories. You can think about what to read while you’re in the car. Trying to making conversation is often painful for you and a bit stressful for them.

I also have a hard time with this. It's so BORING! I talk about what's going on in my life. She kind of listens and that asks me some OT question or gets distracted by a noise in the hall, etc. Conversation is hard. I've been putting the olympics on and commenting on that. I feel like I'm talking to myself. I brought in pics of the kids/grandkids and she wasn't really interested which I found surprising.

I do like another posters idea of asking about their past. I know a lot of my parent's friends from back in the day so maybe bring them up? That'll fill up some time, I guess.

I did not do well with this. I followed Moms lead but she made no sense. I would answer and then get that "look", like I was nuts, because she was now on a different subject. So I just let her ramble on. One day, though, she said " I don't think anyone is listening to me".

My daughter was the one who could talk to her. Moms eyes lit up when she entered the room. She would come to do her wash then sit on Moms bed. Mom would talk and daughter would say "oh yeh" "great" maybe talk about her day. Then when she shevwas leaving give Mom a hug and kiss and tell hervshe was going to work, which Mom accepted. We never said "going home".

When my MIL lost her ability to communicate, my husband always took the computer to show old pictures. She would give a glimer of awareness.

I had very old family photos in a scrapbook including my mom's 1941 yearbooks. Remembering the past, including finding music from ate 30s and 40s brought out memories for my mom. She could even sing the old tunes.

Both of our parents enjoyed being wheeled outdoors when weather was good

When I visited my FIL in hospital towards the end, I held his hand and read him the poetry he learned in school as a child. ‘The Man from Snowy River’. It was a 6 bed ward, in the repat hospital for old men from the last war, and I found that you could hear a pin drop as the other old men strained to listen. I recited a bit louder when I found I wasn’t disturbing them, just the opposite. Different from conversation, but easier sometimes.

Why talk at all? It’s comforting and peaceful to be quiet in a loved one’s presence.

Just follow her lead. If she doesn't wish to talk a whole lot, then don't. If she wants to talk she will suggest about what. Don't argue or right fight. Just listen for the most part. Watch some Teepa Snow videos. They should be helpful.

For my own brother, he was in early stages of his Lewy's and he wanted to talk about it. He was aware of the prognosis and was aware he saw the world differently. He wanted to speak about how real his hallucinations were, and describe them. He died (luckily) before Lewy's could do its worst. I learned so much from him. We negotiated things together and clung together as always we did in times of problems. Again, I learned so much.

Your profile says that your mom is living at home. I sure that she's not living by herself with dementia, and like already said, if she's living with you and you work full-time, who's looking after her while your gone?
You should be able to talk to your mom the same way you've always talked to her. Tell her about your day, what you did on your lunch, what you have going on the rest of the week and so on and so on.
She's still your mom, and while she may not always know what you're talking about, still share.
And since it's the short term memory that goes first, try asking her about her past and what she all did as a child and teenager. You'll be AMAZED at how well the long term memory is still in tact.
Sounds like you're trying to make this much harder than it needs to be. Instead just enjoy each others company with talks of the past, favorite TV shows, and her favorite music.
My late husband died with vascular dementia and I talked with him about everything even though his speech was very impaired from a massive stroke years earlier, and he couldn't always respond and his comprehension suffered greatly towards the end. It never stopped me from sharing with him though.
I wish you well while you take this final journey with your mom.

I bring objects, show her pictures on my device, look up funny animal videos on YouTube (on a tablet or larger), bring in an old photo album and go through the pictures together (she may or may not remember the people so this depends on your person), etc.

Depending on how advanced your Mom is, it may not be really possible to have conversations anymore.

Since she's at home, and if she's able, have her do "purposeful tasks" like folding a large number of kitchen towels, sorting things, etc.

Your profile says she lives with you and you work full time. Does this mean you need to leave her alone for any length of time? If so, how are you managing this?

More info would be helpful.