So, I help take care of my grandmother who has MS and has had it for the last 27 years. I am not the primary caregiver, that would be my grandfather. I have lived with my grandparents all my life. I do have a relationship with my mother and they have 4 more children who are all grown adults. I’m 24 for reference.
Since I was a child I’ve always helped to care for my granny, making her food helping her wash herself, making her bed & helping with meds etc. My grandfather isn’t the most caring or compassionate person and being that I adore my granny, I never felt any other way but happy to be helping her.
I’ve come into an opportunity to move out to a very affordable home with my partner who has also lived with us here for the last 5 years.
I'm scared and nervous to leave my granny alone even though my grandfather will be there. I just know he won’t be as attentive to her, he’s very lax now because he knows that myself and my partner are here and can look after and care for my granny whenever she needs.
I know I need to take a step in my life and do this, but I’m really struggling, my aunts and mother don’t do much for her. They’ll come to visit every so often, maybe bring her a coffee up, but that’s it. I'm afraid that me leaving her will take away from what happiness she has left. She is still mobile, but never really leaves the house, so she’s home 24/7.
I just have no idea what to do. The thought of leaving is literally tearing me up.
Try to lend what support you are able. If it isn't enough your grandparents must consider placement or whatever else may work for them.
To sacrifice your own life on the alter of the problems of family members is, to me, not a good thing.
Try to change out your G-words. You aren't God. You say you are guilty? Are you a felon or evil doer? They almost never feel guilt for anything. Use rather the word GRIEF. This is worth grief and sadness. You are a human being with limitations. You need to have your own life. And it is a sad thing to see those we love suffer. Grief would be right and normal for anyone loving them. But you aren't a good fairy with a wand to FIX IT for every sad situation in life.
I am sorry for your Grandmom. But many folks go through these things without a lick of caring family anywhere because there IS no family.
Please begin on your own life. Your Aunts and Mom will or will not pick up the slack. As long as you enable their not stepping up why would they do so?
Again, I am sorry. But you have this ONE CHANCE at life. Don't let it pass you by.
No reason to feel guilty, this is a normal process that an adult should take in life, expand your wings and fly!
She may not have a lot of time left and she wouldn’t want nor expect you to take care of her. I bet she appreciates all you’ve done, but it’s time for you now.
you are not leaving her in the street. The rest of the family can step up. If they don’t, it’s them who have let her down…not you. You did all you could. The rest of the family has been relying on you. Let them know you will be going your own way soon. Get them ready to take over, because you have done all you could. Maybe grandpa won’t be so lax when he sees your gone.
Take care of your own life now.
I would sit down with your Grandmother and Grandfather, separately if need to be, and find out their ideas as to how to care from them, now that your availability will change.
Be prepared for all emotions as it is a big change for all of you.
One option would be to find Assisted Living for them which would include a meal plan, medication management, laundry, etc. If they don't want to go that route, how about a caregiver for part of the day to check in on them, Meals on Wheels to provide meals and maybe a senior program with a Handicapped van to take them on errands.
Will you be able to physically check in on them or be able to handle emergency calls? Your availability will make a difference on the options available.
Think of yourself as being a manager. You need to delegate tasks, and check back in to ensure they are completed and being done to your satisfaction.
It is normal to be scared of what will happen to Granny. I am quite sure that Granny will not have the same level of care without you. Some parts might be better and some parts could be horribly worse. However, you will never know until you try.
No matter what, it will be a lot of work to get things set up and to define and manage expectations of care.
Good luck. You can do this....
Yes. You will feel conflicted emotionally. This is a difficult time and you are pulled in several directions at once. Allow yourself to feel - grieve - and know that moving with your partner is the right move for you.
Reflect on all you did for your grandmother over the years. It is a lot for a young person to take on. Your aunts and mother need to step up to the plate and be responsible. Tell them this is their responsibility, since they appear to not know this yet. Seemingly, they have depended on YOU to be there. Stand up for yourself. You don't want to look back 20, 30, 40 years from now asking 'what if.' Seize the moments of opportunity to enjoy your life. You've done more than most young people ever do in their life caring for a family member. Appreciate who you are. Love yourself enough to move forward in your life. Gena
Regardless of 'all you've done for her over the years', you won't be doing for her anymore once you move out. THAT is the crux of the matter that's got you worried and torn up.
You can't fix this; you can't move out AND live with granny both at the same time.
So you move out and live in this nice affordable home with your partner AND you also make time for granny, since I assume you are not moving thousands of miles away. You set down a schedule of time you will go by the old house to see her, spend time with her, bring her food/cook food, chit chat, help her clean up, etc. Say 3 days a week for 2 hours a pop. That way, you kill two birds with one stone: you get autonomy living on your own AND you get to spend time with granny STILL, helping her and keeping an eye on her to know she's doing okay.
That's what I would do, if this were me in your shoes. Once some time goes by, you'll see how granny is doing w/o you there 24/7, and you can adjust your visiting schedule accordingly. You can also speak to the aunts and mother about visiting granny more often, and filling in when you're not there.
Wishing you the best of luck and kudos to you for being a wonderful granddaughter and human being!
As some others have noted, this, right now, is the right time for you to move into being an adult, with an adult partnership and adult life like most people strive for.
If your granny were in full health mentally and physically, she would urge you to grab this great opportunity with both hands. She would cheer you on!
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Don’t torture yourself worrying about your granny’s status and well-being. When you are no longer in the picture as 24 hour caregiver, another solution will be found by her husband or her five adult children. Right now they’re all happy that you are the 24 hour solution, and if they aren’t selfish jerks, they probably figure that you love being caretaker so they let you do it. When you no longer do all the caretaking, other solutions will suddenly become attractive.
Also, remind yourself: you are not responsible for granny’s happiness, but you are responsible for your own happiness. No-one on earth but you can navigate life and make the best decisions for yourself in tandem with your partner. Your partner deserves the best of you, not just the exhausted part of you not depleted by caretaking, and you deserve to work towards your own best life, not towards somebody else’s best life. Having your own home with your partner is the best possible start to a happy fulfilling life...from my lips to God’s ears.
Go for it!
I send you fond good wishes for your future life.