My mother is a narcissist & is in her right state of mind. She had a stroke on 11/1/2017. Our relationship is & has always been strained! She abused me & my sister when we were growing up after she divorced my wonderful father. Then she blames everything on her 1 st husband & of course me & my sister. After her 2nd marriage, she was even more abusive. Mental, emotional & physical abuse is all I experienced from her. She's an alcoholic. I got her help for that & now she's doing better but she's blaming me for things I don't say or do. She has ahd me in her home for a year & half. Things came to a breaking point on Wednesday, 4/16/19 when I had the courage to finally stand up to her & ask her to won her wrong doing. She blamed me of course & physically tried strangling me. She called the Police & acted like she was a poor elderly woman who couldn't function without MY previous walker. The Police ofice, of course believed her over me. I didn't press charges cause I've been the executor of her estate for many, many years. I'm hoping she doesn't change it cuz I'm disabled & don't have an income. My so-called husband is the same as her. Our home is actually owned by her & my husband is financially irresponsible & has us in a lot of debt. We are behind in paying my abusive mother her house payments for 4 months now due to his spending habits & other expenses. This makes matters worse cause she could legally foreclose on the house & as egotistical as she is, as well as, she is financially well off. I wouldn't put anything past her!! She's never paid me 1 penny for helping her! It would've cost her a fortune if it wasn't for me doing everything for her! During her worst period of her stroke, she was drinking heavily, fell 30 + times; I quit counting picking her up after 30 times & always did my best to help her up with a gait belt. Even her own grandson has helped her I'm 5', & maybe 75 lbs. She's 5'4 & is at least 130lbs. I have a whole in my off the floor many times! I have a whole in my abdomen which was going to be surgically corrected last April but she fell & broke her shoulder in April last year. Then in September 2017, she fell & broke her Ulner bone. So, Home Health Care has been in her home 4 times in 1 year. She went almost 4 times to the Day Institute to get therapy 3 days a week 3 times in the last year. I hand fed her & treated her better than she would've been treated if I had placed her in a nursing home or assisted living. She refused going to either of those places due to her drinking. She's an alcoholic. I finally got her into alcohol treatment & now she takes Seroquel to help her sleep. It doesn't matter cuz she's still up at all hours of the night just like she was when she was drinking. She set her Villa on fire in February. She went to the hospital due to her blood pressure while I stayed back & took care of all the logistics with her homeowner insurance company. things are still not settled with them. It was heavy smoke damage. There were over $1000.00 of items they stole from me but I don't think I'll ever see getting paid back for that. Also, I'm now stuck with an ER bill I can't afford & she said she'd pay. Not anymore! Furthermore, she insisted I got checked in the ER. I told her no, I just want to get us to the hotel & get you settled in & get some sleep. Brought her breakfast every morning & dinner every night. She never went hungry. I did & still do. When I was able to eat in her home, she now holds it against me & also states that she gave me a roof over my head & a place to sleep & shower. Huh? How do you take care of someone 24/7 365 without living with them? I don't have a place to live or go to. My sister is a drug addict. My father doesn't want to have anyone in his home. He's 80 years old & finally has some peace of mind so I understand why he won't let me live with him. I'm at a loss!! I gave of up 3 surgeries for her since it was botched in 2015. I don't know what to do. Homeless I guess.
You need to get into a shelter for abused women which will, I hope, put you in touch with a Social Worker who can help you with techniques for saying "no" to abusers, get you on your feet financially and help you become independent.
Let your mother take care of herself or pay professionals to care for her. Don't go back to either of your "homes". Move on.
Move on.
MOVE ON!!!!!!!
Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate anyone who chooses to assist. However, in my state, if you are in need of a shelter, you must have children under he age of 17 to even have a chance to get a place to stay. My children are grown & they cannot assist me now. Therefore, I cannot find shelters to go to, otherwise I would! I also have a whole in my abdomen from life saving surgery in 2015. I did NOT know it was life saving surgery or otherwise I would have never signed the papers to go through with it!! I need it corrected with exploratory surgery & would have had the opportunity in April 2017 but I didn't have anyone to take care of me after the surgery. Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to get it taken care of since I will be able to live in either home & receive home healthcare. I am disabled as a result but cannot get a doctor to sign or write a letter so I can get assistance. Believe me, I worked many years before I had my children & then was a stay at home mother. Yet, I never earned enough credits required to draw disability from my social security. I never was & never will be a person to take a hand out from hard working citizens unless it was absolutely necessary. It is now but have no idea how to get it without hiring a lawyer & I don't have the funds for that. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want out of the horrible situation I'm in & know they're are many other women out there who want out too!
You need to go to your local Social Service Dept. Maybe you can receive SSI (Supplemental Security Income) while you apply for SSD. With SSI, they will help find u a place to live u can afford. They may help with a housing voucher, food stamps, utilities. You will receive Medicaid which will help with your Medication, dental and eyes. There are resources out there but you have to go to them. Office if Aging is another resource.
You may want to check about divorce. Depending on the state you maybe able to receive alimony. In my state you can receive it for 3 yrs to help get you back on your feet.
occasionally see glimmers of change, but take it from someone with decades of
experience with these personality disordered individuals, they will ONLY change
when you leave and take back your life. Until then you, as an abuse target, are
like heroin to a drug addict. They are addicted to abusing you and living in chaos
in order to cope with their inner demons. No amount of your help and/or suffering will fix this. It will only destroy you and also sadly keep them mired in their own dysfunction. You're actually harming them as much as yourself by staying there and trying to help, which is sadly ironic
I say this will greatest sympathies. When you are abused it's easy to become so exhausted and discouraged that you just live day to day, even hour to hour and only barely survive. Start by keeping all your doctors appts and eating the best diet you can. Try some 12 step groups such as Ala non or Adult Children of Alcoholics. These groups require only a 1 or 2 $ donation and can possibly provide you with some additional support. As well as local women's shelter groups or other organizations.
As advised above reach out to social security for disability and also ask for help with low income or subsidized housing. I remember moving out of similar situation into a very low income house with a bunch of throw away furniture, no AC, nails sticking up out of splintery wooden floor.... and I felt like a queen no longer living with abuse. Poverty isn't the scariest situation to be in...abuse is.
If you remain open to the goodness in the world, you will find kindness and support in the most unexpected places. And if you find yourself confronted with more unkindness while trying to find your new place in the world, do not become discouraged, keep trying and looking. Kind people, good people are out there and they will help you, maybe a little bit here, and a little bit there. It will start to add up like water to a parched plant. Never give up!
Best wishes and best of luck to you (((hugs)))
Your sister is very fortunate to have someone assisting her! I, unfortunately have no one. I’m not on no pity pot. Just run down in every way possible! Having a whole in your abdomen doesn’t make it much easier knowing I don’t have the physical ability to do a lot of lifting any longer. After picking my drunk mother up over 30+ times, I still bleed out when I lift small things. Thanks for providing your sister with resources & suggestions from others on this board or thread. Don’t know if I’m calling it right but I’m sure you understand what I mean. Good luck to your sister!! Not trying to insert any belief systems here but 🙏 Prayers are always helpful!
These people will never change; they will suck the life out of you. Sometimes it is better to be alone and healthy and happy then to live with someone and be sick! Nither one of these people deserve you. You are wasting your time, energy, and your life on them.
Life sucks when you feel stuck and have no way out, but you have gotten some really good advice here.
I learned along time ago, when people think they have you in a position were you have no where to go they think they can treat you anyway they want, but this is where you take back your life!
Please take care of yourself. We are here for you.
Hugs!!