My 89 year old father was admitted into nursing home 4 months ago from falling and breaking his left arm, which is better. He is a diabetic with problems off and on with sugar dropping to 35 or lower, on oxygen and take breathing treatments. My 85 year old mother is still living and drives 60 miles round trip to see him daily, they have 5 siblings. Siblings all live in town of nursing home where my father is. Problem is he wants to go home so bad and my mother seems to be about to give in. She knows she can no longer take care of him, couple of weeks he will be approved for Medicaid and they are out no cost for the facility. It saddens us every-time we see him because he is showing signs of being depressed and have broke into tears because he wants to go home. Mom wants him home and then not, she knows she can no longer take care of him. We are afraid she may get him home and then this will cause more caring down the road than what was being done before. Question is how to get father to adjust to the home and be happy? Mother is not in good physical health, forgetful at times and how to persuade her in not making the mistake of removing him from the home since all paperwork has been paid for to put him on Medicaid. I would say they are both in there right minds, but can be a little forgetful at times, but just not physically able to take care of each other and that it will put a much needed burden on siblings since they live out of town. Don't get me wrong, they have been taken care of with dr. appts, shopping, etc. But with their health and future that mother will not be able to drive to town is what will make it more of a hardship..
Make certain, during this intervention, that Mom understands Dad cannot come home. If she is telling him she might bring him home, it’s exacerbating the situation.
Mom needs to understand that Dad has to stay where he is. Could you make plans, instead, to move her closer if not into the same facility as Dad? Is there an Independent Living for her?
As for Dad, it’s very common for elders to have this reaction when they realize they’re in a facility. Because Mom visits every day and stays for probably most of the day, he’s had no opportunity to become accustomed to the facility, routine, or the staff. Every day when she walks in the door, it’s a reminder that he’s not home and his life has changed. If she’s telling him he “might” come home, that makes it worse. You need to get Mom to understand she has to be a little firm with Dad. She can use what we call the Therapeutic Fib and tell him that when the doctor says he’s better, they’ll talk about him coming home.
Its never easy. It’s heartbreaking. But people like you, loving and caring people, don’t do something like this with no forethought. You’ve done the right thing for your parents and for yourselves.
Explain to your mom that she won't be able to do that job alone and none of her kids can take up the slack.
It it is a heartbreaker to have to continually hear this but, if he can be included in activities, it might make the transition easier.
It would be your judgement call if pictures of family and items from home would help or hinder.
I just wanted to say that i agree with you (also read your profile with info) and im sorry your siblings don't.
when my mom used to ask me to go back home (from AL) I would tell her I was sorry. I tried to explain to her that she wasn't getting any younger.
the older my mom gets - more health problems come up(and dementia decline) she isn't going to 'get better' and be able to be independent any more. parents get to a certain age and they start to 'wear out'.
I think its going to be a lot easier if everyone could agree. that dad needs to stay. it will be very difficult at first. and I don't know the answer regarding your mom. plus now she is living alone ??
after my dad died in AL, that's when my mom started asking about going back home. (again..)
tell ~everyone~ as long as they tell dad. like the previous poster - that the dr hasn't given him the ok to go home. its hard for a young person to take care of an elder, let alone another elder to do it.
Be be prepared to do whatever it takes to pitch in with the caregiving. You know Mom won’t be able to handle it, so it’s going to fall on you.