He has Alzheimer's and he won't like me leaving him. I am interviewing an agency today but I don't know what to tell my husband who will be angry with the idea of someone watching him while I take a break. I would like to tell him the truth but I am not sure he can process the idea.
This will habituate hubby to their presence & you get more than time off but also some things done around the house - you will have to slowly accoustomize hubby to their presence because it takes a while for the change in his routine to seep into his brain
This person should be someone your hubby would like - a bubbly person might be good or might annoy him so pick carefully - if the 'nursing' end isn't the most important but the 'watching' for issues then look for this as help for you both & you don't need an RN but a basically nice person - you might have to pay extra due to the extra duties but that could be priceless in the long run for hubby & you too
He will get used to other people caring for him for a few hours. You get a break. He gets a bit of socialization and structure, both great for dementia! The one I had my Husband in for a while would pick up in the morning and drop off in the late afternoon so I pretty much had from 9 to 4 where I could get things done. Once he could no longer attend that one (he tried to leave several times) I found a facility that had a Memory Care unit and they accepted him for Day Care and I would drop him off by 9 am and could pick him up by 5. I later transitioned to getting caregivers that came into the house and there was never a problem.
If you are getting people in during the "interview" for at least part of it have your husband sit with the three of you and have a cup of coffee and see how they react to each other. Not a great barometer but it might give you an inkling as to how he will react. But tell him this is for you that you need help with some housework.
By the way if your husband is a Veteran he may qualify for home help through the VA. This would be at no cost to you so if he is a Veteran please look into this.
I think you have great suggestions. I love the idea of feeling the situation out with you there first. When I babysat for friends, I would stress to them that their kids needed to see the parent leave and then return, not to sneak off.
I love how you eased your hubby into transitioning. That may not be possible in every situation but certainly better if it can work.
Tell him how it is going to go down, Tell him No Frown.....Be the Straw Boss now that you are in charge. Don't Let him Rule the Roost.
For you, you can say you need to run some errands, pay some bill, go to the store, you will be “right back” just have someone there if he needs anything. The aids can play cards, read, look at pictures, anything you tell them to do. When you get back he may ask “ where have you been you just tell him you just went out to pick some things up.. “ but you are back and everything is fine. Now change the subject to something else they call it redirecting the situation. Please it is very very important that you also take care of yourself. If not how will you take care of your husband.
I listened to an interesting interview talking about the Philosophy of Truth on the radio last night. At this point your reality and your husbands are very different and your perception of truth is from your reality.
What I am trying to say is that your truth maybe that you need a break, but your husband's truth is different. Does he see you as abandoning him, disrespecting him, not caring etc?
You need to approach this from the position of his reality.
Is there an adult day program he can attend? Make it all about him being able to watch the game, talk politics with like minded people, play cards, have a break from you etc, whatever works.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caring-for-my-husband-and-its-home-aides-or-peace-never-both-442516.htm?orderby=recent
Over time, it’s gotten easier. Also having a male aide is much better than females for my husband. But he will sometimes still ignore them until I get back to the house or get angry because I left. It’s dementia and anxiety, which we are trying to alleviate. I like the idea of a topical benzodiazepine!
First--you go to family. We were lucky that daddy was a good patient. I know I spent MANY afternoons with him, doing whatever he could do. My sibs all worked, and so they had less flexibility. But I treasured those days alone with dad.
Even his younger brother came a few times, which I think was sweet.
He lived in an apartment attached to brother's home, so sometimes just one of the kids would come in. He ADORED those "roadrunner" cartoons and would enjoy watching them with my goofy little niece. Of course, he couldn't be left totally "alone" with her, but for an hour of some one else was home, fine.
Neighbors he had met and knew well enough to be comfortable having over. (They moved kind of at the worst part of his disease, so he did not get to know a lot of people in the new area).
Old friends. Mom would have to set up "sitting" and once daddy was bed bound, this was almost impossible, as hospital beds take up a lot of room.
We'd do ALL these options before we'd ever call in an agency, which I know is sometimes the only option. We never had to call in "outside care". We're going to, for Mother, we already know that.
Being loving and kind in explaining this to dad. If he's mad, well , he's mad. Daddy wasn't happy about it, initially, but the Dr. prescribed a topical Valium and I'd measure out a dose, rub into the forearms for a few minutes and it worked wonders. I'd often not think to run wash my hands, so I would get a little buzz too. We found that kind of funny.
Mom MUST have some time off. Shes going to burn out completely if she doesn't get some help.
I would seriously suggest the topical benzo. It didn't make dad overly drowsy and any anxiety he felt kind of melted away.
Good Luck with this. It's one of those things you just don't think about--until it hits you in the face.