I feel selfish posting here, as I see so many worse issues... but here goes..
He saw a Psychiatrist 2x then refused meds..
We have been married for 28 yrs..I met him after he divorced his first wife (she is a lesbian. They have two children- now in their 40's. He was the ideal man in the beginning. Charming and romantic...then life happened.
We went through the evil stepchildren phase with me literally being terrorized until they grew up and out. Finances forced me to take lead and work my rear end off 70+ hrs a week traveling in the midwest..five days a week, to keep us afloat (he farmed). He quit farming and went back to commercial construction for five yrs.
Fast forward..we moved to another state, I kept my job and he went back to building some. In Dec.08, he was hit head on and critically injured..I had to care, feed, bed, bathe other for three months after he came home. I took leave, then early retirement. After he was lucky enough to live through that and walk again, he became angry and abusive. Three yrs later, our house burnt losing everything...we pulled ourselves up and re-built (ourselves). I had good income for yrs and paid (a gorgeous 42 acre horse farm) everything off...but after this house, not a lot left-(insurance compted 2/3 of coverage..) Now, he is abusive, angry, talks down to me, makes me feel like I am nothing. I know now that he was always a narcissistic, manipulating a$$.
What can I do moving forward if it gets worse? We are aging (I'm 65), should I get my affairs set up so people I love will benefit if I pre-decease him? Financially, I need to stay in. Any thoughts? BTW...he won't go to counseling. Ever. Thank you.
You say should u get your affairs in order? But what affairs if you have to stay in the marriage financially. I personally could not put up with someone like that. Your health will eventually suffer.
People who suffer from brain injury can change them from something so simple as their favorite color or food to a complete personality change. I have seen people who were mean turn happy & nice; a nice person turn mean; some people just lose their short term memory. It all depends on what parts of the brain was damage!
Your husband would need specialise therapy.
So, what do you do? What is it that you want?
You could stay with him; however, he will not get better without treatment. You stated you're staying with him because of financial reasons! If that is the only reason to stay than that is not a good reason to stay! Not saying you don't have feeling for him, just that you might be at your breaking point.
Does he have any income or savings?
Do you have any income or savings?
He could get SSD that would bring in some money for him or both of you (if you should stay).
If you don't have any money there are resources for women to get out of abusive relationship. And that is what your in; he may not be doing it intentionally! But that doesn't matter, your being abuse!
Is there a way you could save some money a little at a time or sell a few things and put the money in a savings acct without him knowing it? Do you have family or friends that could help you?
If you decide to leave you need to get your ducks in a row.
Yes, you should get your affairs in order, asap! Don't leave it up to him!
If you do have cash that you would like for someone to have, and don't want him to know about it than get a safe deposit box for that person, put the box in their name, but you keep the key. Make sure you trust this person just in case you need some of the money for whatever reason. Once their name is on the box you will have no right to it anymore, however, he won't know anything about it. There is no tie back to you. Or you can put your name and the other persons name on it and you keep the keys.
I would not be surprise if he is suffering from depression, it sounds like you two have been through h3ll and back.
I am so sorry that all this has happen to you! I know you think your problems are not as bad as others here, but no one's problem is bigger or smaller than anyone else's. They (problems) are all bad!
You need to come up with a action plan to leave him.
Where are you going to get the money if you don't have any?
Where are you going to put the money, bank acct, safe box (in home), safe deposit box, or somewhere in the house?
What will you want to take with you?
Who can help you?
You need to have answers to these questions.
Always have a bag of clothers & important papers, bottle water, a little bit of money in it (if possible) & anything else you can think of. Make sure the bag is hidden & easy for you to grab on the run. The bag should be black or a dark color!
May God give you the strength, wisdom, and guide you to make the right decision, and may He clear a path for you in Jesus' name. Amen
[doubtfully] - well, I guess...
It makes me sad and angry when a person, man or woman, who is manifestly a winner is so undermined in his or her relationship by his or her partner that *in* the relationship only he or she is as battered and helpless as any uneducated, underprivileged, hopeless flake.
It makes me want to take the abusive partner warmly by the throat and say "don't be a [obscenity deleted]."
Has your husband had his head scanned recently?
I am not leaving here. He needs to watch a couple of Dateline shows where women lose it and roll em up in a rug. I keep myself tempered because he cannot control his mouth at all. I fantasize that one day he is going to cross the wrong cowboy and get his plow cleaned...I am sorry, but he needs to know that God, and some people are bigger than him.
PS: I am having a mastectomy after Jan 1st...I think I will be fine, but who knows..
Thank ya'll. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving whether it is alone, with family, or friends.
I know you love your animals; I myself am a big animal lover!
But here is your choices: 1) stay put up with the abuse and have your animals. 2) leave and leave your animals behind (for now). 3) you could throw him out. But that will be easier said than done. However, women have done this & made it work. 4) just file for a divorce! You do not need his permission to divorce him.
You talk about assets/debt free; how much is that worth to you? In other words, is it worth your life? What are you will to go through to keep the farm & animals? These are the questions only you can answer!
You hear people say, "All the money in the world isn't worth putting up with xyz" but that really isn't true! Some people can with stand a lot to get whatever it is they want, alwhile another person in the same situation would leave a drop of a hat no matter what is at steak. Are you following what I am saying? Which one are you?
I believe life is full of hard choices. And you my dear, have some hard choices to make.
If you are cash poor than you have to find away to free up some cash! This will need to be done whether you stay or leave!
Think of companies that have become cash poor; they either sell bonds and/or stocks to get the money they need or go out of business. You can't keep anything going if you don't have any capital ( money)!
I know I seen brutal, but "I am just a matter of fact person & a realess"!
When it comes down to, is that you can not rationalize with your husband. His brain is damage!
Leaving you in a very hard situation.
Is it possible to move these animals to another farm until you can get your situation worked out? Or this will sound heatless, but could you sell a few of these animals to save the rest of them?
In the medical world, there are pt that just can not be saved so very little resources are used, because those resources can be used to save someone else. "Can't save everybody" is a common theme. Maybe you just can't keep all your animals! This is were logic is used vs emotions!
Just some food for thought!
I pray that God helps you in your time of need in the name of Jesus. Amen
You need to get out of the house at the very least. Please find a counselor to help you.
You are being damaged by his behavior. You are becoming murderous in your fantasies.
This is not good for YOUR mental or physical health.
Have you talked to YOUR doctor about this situation? Do you value your animals above your own survival?
I am an animal lover and was in despair for 2.5 years, as I had precarious housing and thought I may have to give up my pets to keep a roof over my head. I was lucky and was able to keep the house.
My point is your safety and well being are more important than your animals. Do not try to talk to him about separation, talk to the lawyer, pick up your Go Bag (there is a reason you have it packed) and leave.
You will heal faster from your surgery not being in fear of your life.
Is this something you could do?
Mind you. What do you then do if it is permanent residual damage from the TBI? If that should be so, it's still worth knowing. There are techniques and there may for all I know be medications that might help, and at the *very* least you'll know what you're dealing with. And whether he's got any real excuse.