My mother (83) lives alone, is in reasonably good health, has plenty of money and plans for care as she ages (she is OK with going to AL and has the place picked out).
Sounds great, except that there’s a middle ground between now and then, and I know I don’t have it in me to be the patient, loving, caring daughter. My mom’s minor issues are already a problem: Loss of hearing and intestinal issues.
She’s been losing her hearing for a while but will not get checked out. Meanwhile, she expects me to yell, accuses me of mumbling, and she often tunes me out even if she can hear me.
We (husband and I) took her on a trip last fall to Europe, and she ate something that was incompatible with her digestive system, which apparently led to sudden diarrhea. I think this has been going on for a while as well. The last time she stayed with us, we found strange brown streaks on one of our walls leading to/from the bathroom.
She still has a social network, and I believe she enjoys being alone, but her hearing loss is concerning because it will lead to cognitive decline. I’ve been politely asking her to get her hearing checked for a couple of years, but so far, she has refused and expects me to yell. I’m not willing to do that. Yelling stresses me out for many reasons, but mainly because my abusive father (now deceased) used to yell all the time.
When she had the diarrhea incident in Europe, we were staying at an Airbnb, and she refused to wash her soiled clothes. I get that she was embarrassed, but it happened, we didn’t need to discuss it, all she had to do was put everything in the washing machine and one of us would start it.
I am a very logical, no-nonsense person and just these two things really, really irritate me. When my mother got nasty because she couldn’t hear me, all I could think was “You’re skating on thin ice, lady. You let my dad abuse my sister and me for our entire lives. I only have the capacity for so much good will towards you, because like your hearing and your stubbornness, you are in total denial about all of the terrible things he did and how they affected me”.
So…she’s not going to change. I’ve been in therapy forever and have worked through all the crap from my childhood. I still resent my mom though, partially because she will not hear one bad thing about my father, so there’s no way to explain why I’m not up for being the caring daughter.
I have a sister, but she’s going to be dealing with her aging husband who is the same age as my mom.
I have provisionally gone "no contact" with my mother, not that she’ll notice, and my sister and I clash for reasons only she knows, so we’re "no contact" by default.
As my mother continues to age, she’ll be even less filtered, more stubborn, and less able to understand why I won’t be around.
Is it worth it to write her a letter? I don’t even need or want a response. She’ll either take it in or she won’t. If by some miracle she accepts what I tell her, I might have a change of heart. But there’s always the chance that things will revert. And then I’m out again.
Am I a horrible monster?
I wouldn't write a letter and stir the pot. Just continue to be absent. Let her deal with it.
It is NOT a good idea for a child who has been abused to care for either the abuser parent or the one who allowed it to happen.
I agree with your words there yet look how many of us are doing exactly that!
If you stick to ‘no contact’, your mother will cope – or she won’t cope. If she can’t cope, she can start up her existing AL plan. You can help with that if you want to. Perhaps you could send a different letter, saying that you can no longer visit regularly, and that you are willing to help her move to AL if she wants more company. If she doesn’t do that, and you know that her living conditions have become unacceptable, you can call the appropriate authorities where you live for a social worker to get involved.
You certainly aren’t a monster. Don’t tell yourself that, and don’t listen to anyone else who comes out with it.
When the time comes and she needs assistance, I’ll just throw her money at the problem. She has lots of it.
She lives in New York - I’m in Texas. I’ll check the laws, but again, since money isn’t an issue, she can pay for her care. She’s nicer to other people than she is to me.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. Each one I read makes me feel so much better.
My advice is to back off of caring for her; and wait for her to ask you for help. When she does; respectfully suggest that you are not able to help directly; but will call a caregiver center to arrange for someone to help her with her laundry; grocery shopping; daily needs; or she can move to AL.
Resist the urge to go over to help her; instead; go for a 'visit' once a week.
DO NOT let her drag you in to a fight about not helping; if need be - change the subject; go to the bathroom and cool off; or simply tell her you need to leave. She is afraid of change; and afraid to admit that she needs help. In my opinion; this age group is so used to being the 'parent' and making all their own decisions; they have a very difficult time letting others (especially strangers) care for them.
It's hard to back off; but you need to maintain your mental sanity and not let her wear you down. I hope by now she is on a waiting list for AL because our experience is that these facilities are extremely full and the wait list can easily be 1-2 years.
When my MIL's health began to decline around 88; she threw me under the bus many times; and said things that caused my husband to explode (mostly at me; because he didn't want to confront her). My husband had a very difficult time 'not running out to the store the minute she asked for something and taking it over right away )20 min each way min). He 'wanted to just be done with it' but also felt guilty if he wasn't at her beck and call. Took a long time and lots of discussions for me to convince him that she didn't 'need' a box of Kleenex immediately; she could wait. Most of her 'needs' were not critical; and we finally decided she was lonely and scared to realize she was declining and needed help (she, like many others her age; thought they would be able to live alone and take care of themselves until one day; they died in their sleep. She never imagined she would 'get old and need others to care for them').
When she was 88; she moved to 'independent living' and then finally to AL at 92. What a blessing!
AL provides all meals (and in room dining if she isn't well enough to go to the dining hall); transportation to doctors, entertainment; etc. and we can add levels of care as needed for 'dressing/bathing' etc. We also signed her up for in house doctor visits; med management, dressing aid etc.
All that to say; you should gently but firmly back off; offer her assistance in getting someone to take care of her needs; and remind her that you want to be her 'daughter' not her caregiver. You want to maintain a loving relationship with her; and for some people; that requires you to step back and insist that others do the care giving and you do the visiting. I will be praying for you; these are hard times; but I know the outcome can be worthwhile for both of you if you pursue 'standing back' and letting others care for her. Be strong.
I was visiting my hometown for a week for another reason and stayed with her as usual, but this time I just sort of snapped. We had an argument about her hearing, which was ridiculous because she couldn’t hear half of it, and took offense at my tone when I spoke loudly enough for her to hear me.
I finally made a reservation at an airport hotel and left. In isolation, I look like the bad guy here, but I promise there was a lot leading up to this.
My sister is there this weekend for a funeral. Normally, she would call me with her concerns, but I’ve blocked her because she wasn’t supportive when I told her what had happened last weekend. She and I clash for reasons known only to her, we barely talk anyway, so no great loss.
By her behaviors you describe, she seems to already be down the path of dementia. With hearing loss on top of that... it will be very challenging to care for her. I personally had to work really had to convince my own 93-yr old mother to get hearing aids this year. I told her I wasn't going to be her caregiver if I had to yell everything to her. She didn't believe she had hearing loss until her hearing test. We got hearing aids at Costco, just in the knick of time, too -- her hearing has gotten significantly worse this past year (although it could also be comprehension). I live next door to her and still have to go put them in for her every morning.
Do not feel guilt. It's ok to feel grief. You can help her from afar by setting her up with a social worker. If you or your sister are not her DPoA, then all the more reason to not step in. The county will eventually acquire guardianship of her, and take care of her needs. You can work with the county and the guardian as much as you are willing. May you receive peace in your heart!
She also has plenty of money to pay for assisted living. I’m just going to stay away and out of it unless or until I’m summoned, at which point I’ll just throw her money at the problem.
I appreciate your response and validation. Most people have no idea what she’s really like and would be shocked if I told them.
You can love and/or care about a person w/o doing hands on caregiving or being their primary caretaker. It's okay to love or care for them from afar, where they can no longer harm you. This is my suggestion for how to 'love and/or care for' your mother moving forward: from afar.
Writing letters to deaf people serves no useful purpose because they won't 'hear' the words within it anyway. Your mother hasn't heard you your whole life, what's gonna change NOW? She's all of a sudden going to read a letter and wake up, say AHA! I've been a terrible mother who's ignored my daughter and caused her all kinds of grief and pain and for that I owe her? Yeah, no. Not likely to happen. What is likely to happen instead is either of two things; she either ignores the letter entirely after you sweat bullets writing it, or, she turns YOU into the Bad Guy for upsetting a Poor Little Old Lady Who Never Meant Anyone Any Harm. She'll pull out the Victim Card and play it to the hilt. I wouldn't waste my time and effort on writing a letter unless it somehow helps you to get all that angst off of your chest, then write it, but don't mail it.
Your mother is obviously (IMO) going down the dementia highway now b/c nobody in their right mind is going to leave poop streaks on a wall and then refuse to wash their soiled clothing. Period. Hearing loss or not, she'd also have to have a loss of smell to refuse to wash clothing that is soiled with feces, let's face it. That's a classic sign of dementia. You are correct in that as she continues to age, she'll be even less filtered, more stubborn and less able to understand EVERYTHING in general, which is hallmark of dementia.
Since she's willing to go into Assisted Living, I'd see about getting her placed ASAP, and into an ALF that has Memory Care attached, so she can segue into it when necessary. You can manage her affairs for her (by paying bills and making decisions about her care) from far away. I managed my parents' lives for them while they lived in AL and then MC for almost 7 years while living in my own home. I did visit them a lot, but I didn't have the type of history with them as you do with your folks. We had our issues, God knows, but there was no physical abuse involved.
Please take care of YOURSELF now and don't feel obligated to send a letter to your mother in hopes that she'll accept what you say so YOU can have 'a change of heart.' It's too late for that, in my opinion, bc a person doesn't change who they are at their CORE. It's a fantasy thought all abused children have, I think, that one day their mother will have some kind of epiphany and turn into the Good Mother they should have been all along. There's some chromosome or something missing in certain people that never magically appears one day, and they wind up being who they are until the day they die. Accept that fact and make the rest of your life the best of your life. You deserve that.
Good luck.
I’m don’t think he hit us very much, either, but he would do things like dump out all of my dresser drawers on the floor if he thought my room was too messy, completely red-faced and out of control. He once burned my favorite t-shirt in the driveway because he was tired of seeing me wear it. It got worse as we got older because we weren’t as ready to obey him.
The good news, if there is any, is that I never felt that I was the problem. I knew he was crazy, for lack of a better word, pretty early on. But yes, I never understood why my mother just stood by and didn’t intervene. She’d let it happen, then apologize for my father, which is probably more than a lot of abused kids get. I never got the sense she was afraid of him, so it’s all very surreal. He kept this behavior up until he was too sick to do it any more.
My mother is extremely wealthy and there’s no reason for me to get involved in any of her affairs. She has financial advisors, attorneys, and trustees. I already have power of attorney.
As far as I’m concerned, she can do what she wants. Eventually one of her younger friends or a nearby relative will contact me, but even then - she can pay for movers. What she won’t be getting is contact from me. I’m already tired of it, and she’s really not that bad. None of her friends seem concerned, so…
But thanks for the validation. I’m a little surprised at how much I resent her - it only took that one last interaction for my compassion to go “poof”. Which is strange because I’m an extreme empath. But she’s not good for me.
So I’ll just sit and wait, I guess. I have no burning desire to write a letter. I was just wondering if I should at least tell her I’ve gone no contact. She doesn’t know! I blocked her number and on social media, as well as my sister, who is toxic in other ways. I guarantee it will take at least a month for either of them to figure it out.
In truth it's for you not her. Do not tolerate stubborness on any level. I certainly don't.
I was a profesional caregiver for a lone time and have told many a stubborn senior including my own mother - Nothing gets a person a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
You're very lucky that your mother is wealthy. Because of her wealth that gives you a choice. You will not have to be her caregiver out of financial necessity. Count your blessings.
I too grew up in abuse but also in poverty. My father left us when I was a little kid because he just couldn't take it anymore. Then I got his share of my mother's abuse and then some.
There's nothing wrong with you going no contact. You have to look out for your own mental health. Your mother like mine is so deep in denial about about the abuse you grew up in that she will never even accept that it happened. Let alone apologize for her part in it. There's nothing you can do about that.
Write that letter.
I don’t think my mom deserves to be cut off from me - she grew up in a MEAN family and she’s not introspective. I’ve never expected that from her.
But 100% I think that writing to her is appropriate, simply because she can’t hear. And I’ll explain why I won’t yell. We can communicate via text after that. But visiting her? Out of the question unless and until she does something about her hearing.
Thanks so much!
I will make certain that they are well cared for and safe, check on them often and make sure they are getting proper medical care.
I have done my duty.
She is not going to change, there should be no "I might change my mind". It won't work, accept that.
My hubby got pushed (by me) to get his hearing tested cuz he often doesn't hear me. I needed to know if it was a "wife frequency" issue or an actual hearing issue. He has mild loss in one ear, moderated in the other. Good to know and now we have a baseline. Hearing aides are so expensive and it seems a little premature to get them now.
My 79yo mom with dementia has hearing issues too. Never tested, no hearing aids but I'm not going to push it and I'm not going to yell. She mostly plays the "Oh haha I thought you said XXXXX" game which I absolutely hate. I don't care what you thought I said cuz you can't hear for crap. Ugh.
Write the letter.
Take the kind advice for yourself that you would give to a beloved friend in same situation... God Bless
That alone should permanently keep you off the selfish or bad daughter list.
She sounds like the type that will have to hit rock bottom before they’ll accept help, so don’t let her drag you down with her. A few thousand miles between you and her is a good thing!
You are lucky that you live far enough away. Next time you have to visit make it a shorter one....or at least tell her it is only for a few days...and stay at a hotel. Do you call regularly? Spread them out or make them shorter. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that. Set your boundaries. Maybe research a few senior living places near where she is now just in case.
I chose not to do much in the way of care for my mother because of an abusive childhood and an estranged adult relationship and on top of it that I knew I wouldnt get a cent of inheritance as it was planned to go to the surviving step father. If there had been some inheritance in the mix then I might have thought I had a reason to provide more care as it would mean the parent had done something for me for the first time in their life. But, I knew that they were not even doing that either.