My mom died over a year ago and I felt my 90 year old dad needed me to be around, so I moved in with him, which I am thinking now was a mistake. He was not eating, the house was dirty and he was depressed. He is more alive now. As for me, I have only been able to find jobs that pay little in this area. I have bills, car payment and credit cards. I have fallen behind on payments and my dad who is quite wealthy does not offer to help, even though he knows I am struggling. He has passive-aggressive tendencies and says things will get better or you’ll hear something soon, with little regard for my dire situation. Before I moved in with him, I had a great job and money to pay bills with a little extra. This was 5 hours away near my kids and grandkids. While growing up and even more now living with my dad I feel unappreciated, devalued and stressed to the point of it affecting my mental and physical health. I do so many things for him with no acknowledgement or even a simple thank-you. He doesn’t care about anything to do with me and I doubt he even knows my favorite color or even the color of my eyes! He has always been a narcissist, all about him and prides himself on his money that he has saved over his lifetime. I know he will never change. I have worked hard all my life but have lost a lot of money looking after my parents during time of need. But, although he is this way, I don’t like the thought of leaving him alone. He looks pitiful going around this little town all bent over and frail with his walker. But, he is doing his thing. I have lived my whole life in guilt, as if I am not enough for them. I have never felt I lived my own life without thinking always what is best for them. My dad sleeps in his recliner most of the day but can still drive, mow, eat and go to bathroom on own. He may pass tomorrow or in years, I don’t know. Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I want to go back to my kids and my old job and way of life. If I stay with my dad, my financial situation will suffer even more. If I leave, the guilt may overcome me as well.
A lot of elderly throw that word around that they are independent when they aren’t . I heard that so much from my FIL, I actually hate the word now. I prefer the phrase “ capable of taking care of one self “ . It is a more clear picture .
My dad is obsessed with not spending his money. Living with him, I can tell it bothers him that I take long showers, wash my clothes more than him and burn gasoline more than he thinks I should. In fact, we got into a knock down drag out about money. He told me that I was irresponsible, stupid, a dumb head and had not amounted to anything because I was horrible with money. Also, that I never wanted to work and always looked for a hand-out! He however, worked hard and saved every penny that he earned.
I have had some issues in the past financially. But, I have worked hard since age 16, obtained a masters degree in nursing and never have I asked for money. I worked full-time and raised 2 children without any child support. A few times he offered and I accepted his help. I would not have taken it if I knew that he was going to hold it against me after all these years! It saddens me that his final perception of my whole life is so negative just because I didn’t save enough money??
I moved in with him this time thinking that he was dying and I was here to help out. I pay my own bills and buy my own food. But he thinks I am here to take his money!!
Lesson learned. I am looking for a job to go back where my family is located at. He will be 91 on Thursday. He is losing weight and looking like skin and bones. But, he wants to be independent and I am going to honor his wishes.
It is hard to leave him in this shape but I have to look after myself also. I have done so many things to help him while here, yet he says I haven’t done a damn thing.
Once I am gone this time, I really feel I should not come back to live here again.
Thank-you all for your responses!
I kind of wonder if sometimes we have to have this lived experience, so that when we look back, we KNOW the reality.
Independant, ornery. Frugal. Typical of the 'silent generation'.. born in the depression years, marked by WW2, food stamps & all that.
Captain of his own ship - whether sailing ahead or taking on water. He wouldn't let you board & run his ship. He may well be in that stage of old age.. focused on his own needs. Self-survival thing I guess. But his lack of gratitude & lack of empathy to you hurts. I get that. Try to put that aside if you can. Make peace that he is living his way. For as long as he can.
All the best for your return to your own space & life soon.
And never move in with him again, even if his health declines.
You know what he is like and you know he won't change.
Love him - from a distance. Take care of him from a distance, by managing carers or AL when he can no longer take care of himself. Visit him, but never live with him again.
You have been programmed to feel guilt. Try and get counselling. If that is beyond your means, learn about passive aggressive behaviour and how to deal with it; watch some YouTube videos about narcissistic parents (even though I don't like armchair diagnosis, it's still helpful to learn how these behaviours affect children and the adults they become), read self help books on mental health, and books on CBT (it is possible to use this without a counsellor, but you need to be self-motivated).
You need to break this pattern of behaviour and guilt, so that you can live the rest of your life for you.
Lastly, that pity you feel for that bent old man walking round town shows you have a good heart. But remember, he doesn't feel the same pity for you and what you are going through. He's wandering around town, so he's capable. Now, it's time for you to be capable and take back your life.
"I have felt that he needs me around.."
Tweak this. A small re-phrase:
I have felt that he needs *someone* around.." or
I have felt that ne needs *some help*.
See the change?
HE may need the help - but it does not need to be done with YOUR two hands.
Many people find they actually volunteered themselves as option #1. Or even option EVERYTHING!
There ARE other options...
I don't have to go to my mom's, I get to go to my mom's. One word changes are thinking process
What was the agreement when you moved in with Dad?
It was either:
1. I am moving in to care for you
or
2. I am moving in because I can live with you rent free and help you out and that will work well for us both.
It clearly at this point is not working.
You say you had a good job. See if you can return to it.
You have a family and that is your obligation, not your father.
Let Dad know you will be moving home in a certain time frame and he will be on his own, and need to hire his own help or go to ALF.
Guilt doesn't figure in this. You didn't cause or create old age. You can't fix it. Without causation there is no guilt. I think this is more a difficulty with saying "I did this all wrong, Dad, and it isn't really working for me or for my family who I should not have abandoned because they need me".
Then home you go to your family which, again, IS your obligation. THEY are the ones you should feel guilty for leaving.
Dad can either hire help or go into ALF.
You can feel grief over all this, wrong choices, not working out, Dad now having expectations you can't fulfill, your own making decisions that didn't work well for you. But guilt is out of the question. You aren't a felon, simply someone who made the wrong choice that is fixable. So many things aren't fixable, so take comfort that this one IS.
I have always taken on guilt and I'm finally learning to stop taking all this extra weight on my shoulders.
I advised self help books and CBT. I would add looking up resilience training. People who are resilient don't take on unnecessary guilt.
He's 90 and has made no provision to take care of himself? There are continuum of care places. He could be living in a senior facility starting with independent living, if he qualifies. Then he moves to assisted living and on to memory care or skilled nursing, all within the same campus. He has a lot of money, he says - he should use it to take care of himself in his old age.
Go visit some such places tomorrow, narrow them down to three that you think would suit him, then take him to visit them. Inform him - no arguing - that you will be leaving in a week to go back to your family. Then do it.
Everyone will be better off.
I don't think you want to live with Dad till the day he dies.
This situation, as it stands, is unsustainable. You are sacrificing your life and will never be able to retire. You never get that time with your grandkids back.
I want you to Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt. And look at a website called "Out of the F.O.G."
Do it today.
Not saying you are one but, I have family members that tell me their stories, just as you did above, and will never ask for help. They want you to offer and then they can throw it in your face that they never asked for your help. It's a manipulative game that is unacceptable at best.
Ask dad about helping you or move out and let him deal with his life.
PS: I never offer help to these relations anymore. It feels like a kick in the teeth to help and then they are rude and ugly because they didn't ask for help, however, they are always willing to take what ever you offer. Like you forced that 1k on them for their rent so them and their babies wouldn't be homeless. My motto now, ask or don't receive, your choice.
The roles go 'one up for the helper, one down for the needy', then switch to 'one up for the ex-needy, one down for the ex-helper'.
Clearly the counter play is to force a request. If you get a 'helpless demo', force a clear request or ignore it!
Move out, right now. Your dad is wealthy and can pay other people to take care of him. At any rate, he is not your problem.
If he refuses to pay you tell him that you will have to move out, move to a location where you can find a job that will pay you a living wage.
You do not have to feel "guilty" for looking out for your own financial stability and future retirement.
The larger question is, is the money enough of an incentive to keep doing it? As he continues to decline how he treats you will not improve or even stay the same... it will get worse because that's how dementia changes people. And it will limit your ability to have a social life and keep you from your other family.
In my time of participating on this forum, whenever I read a situation like yours where an adult child is "stuck" in an onerous caregiving arrangement and then begins to go back in their relational history and give all the reasons why that parent was and still is a jerk... it means you should really pack up and go back to your prior life -- you just feel conflicted or guilty about doing it and need "justification" because you feel like you're abandoning a vulnerable person.
There are options for your Dad's care so you really don't need to feel guilty about leaving him to himself. He is in denial, didn't plan well, or whatever, for his eventual care and now he can have what he planned for, minus you. One cannot assume someone into a caregiving role. Before you leave you can set him up with privately paid aids or recommend an AL to him. If he thinks you are hoping for an inheritance, make sure he knows you don't care about it at all. You'd rather have a life.
Your father can hire help .
You owe your father NOTHING at this point....never did owe him anything, so kick the unfounded guilt aside and get on with living your life, doing what you enjoy, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Heck the way you're going it could very well be you dying before your 90 year old father, just from the stress alone.
So let your father know that you will be moving out by the end of May and going back to your life and family, and that he will either have to hire in-home help for himself or move into an assisted living facility, as you need/want your life back.
Any "normal" parent would never want their child giving up their life for theirs.
It sounds like initially you moved in with the hopes of your father helping you with your bills, but you made the mistake of not getting a signed contract agreement of him paying you for your help with him and his house.
So lesson now learned and time to move on, as again you are NOT responsible for your father. But you are responsible for yourself.
I do hope and pray that you've not placed this warped sense of duty caring for their elderly parents onto your children, as they, like you deserve to live and enjoy their own lives in the way they see fit.
I wish you the very best in moving back home and once again finding peace and joy in your life.
However, I didn't see where she moved in to help pay bills, just that her financial situation deteriorated after moving away from her good job.
Tell him that’s what you need to be paid, it’s the going rate. If he doesn’t want to pay, you need to leave to rescue your financial situation. Give him the details of the agency that he can contact to find a private carer. He can check the rates, and if you need to leave he can easily arrange things with them.
DON’T ask for just enough pay to get you out of financial trouble. DON'T ask him to help with your bills - you need a regular reliable income. DON’T make this about the fact that you can’t find a local job (you’ve actually got one, you just aren’t being paid). DO ask for the local going rate. If he won’t pay, then he can sort out how to meet his needs. You are NOT leaving him in the lurch, because you have (more or less) arranged his alternative to your exploited help. DON’T feel guilty about this. Why feel guilty about not continuing to be exploited?
Get working on this!
Help dad organise alternative care and leave.
If you are there helping he needs to pay you a living wage to take care of him so you can pay for your car and basic needs. He could live another 10 years. Are you willing to stay there that long?
As for guilt for leaving, you should gave none. Clearly he doesn't care about you and what caring for him is doing to you. That should be enough for you to put yourself first. Time to accept that and move on.
He is 'aging in place'.
Yet you are... stagnating?
Seeing where you are is the first step.