I became very lonely while caregiving for my mom. She has passed now and I am worse than ever. Grief and loneliness. Any advice?

Not unusual and a part of the grieving process. We become so very entrenched in it being ALL about the caregiving that it is very difficult and we are at loose ends. Think about those times when our kids leave our nests empty. It is an adjustment, for certain. You are moving into a new phase in your life. Will take you time to even remember what you used to like doing, let alone starting to do it. Give yourself some time. If you find yourself eventually needing someone to talk to about your fears or worries about moving on consider a few sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They are the best at life transitions work. I am sorry for your loss. I had a friend who reacted almost exactly as you are and it took a bit of time. Be gentle with yourself. Step slowly out. I am very sorry for your loss.

I think that what you are experiencing is quite normal in the world of caregiving, some lose touch with themselves, caretaking when it becomes ones life, ones identity, they lose their momentum, their friends all in the process of caring for another.

Allow yourself time to grieve, think about who you were before, what you enjoyed doing and make a plan to get back with the living. How about finding a church to attend? Start mingling with others, put yourself out there.

This will take time, just as it took time to move into the hole of darkness you currently live in.

One of the things I personally have noticed with people who have cared for another in a home environment is that they cannot stop talking about their issues with that person, over and over again, it makes it difficult to move forward if you are all consumed with another, living or dead.

If you feel unable to move forward perhaps therapy would be in order to get you jump started. Good Luck!

It’s very difficult to approach a complete stranger and say ‘I’m lonely, I need to make new friends’, particularly if it leads to a long depressing conversation about why.

It’s better to work alongside other people - in a paid or volunteer job – and get to know them a bit before building towards a friendship. Take in some home made cookies, or suggest getting together for a coffee during a break. Then talk about your coffee preferences or your cooking triumphs, not your problems.

I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve been through a long and hard journey of caregiving and what you’re experiencing now is perfectly normal. Consider attending a GriefShare group, there are many and don’t cost, very helpful to a lot of people. As you emerge from this phase it will become time to consider what you want from the next stage of life and consider new possibilities. We all need hope and something to look forward to, allow yourself to begin thinking on this. For myself, I did a lot of volunteer work and then went back to work part time in a field completely different from anything I’d done before. I wish you comfort and peace

Jax, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, peace, strength and comfort for this new season in your life.

I just lost my mom and I don't think anyone can imagine the struggles of losing your mom, until you have lost your mom.

I think it is the most complicated relationship a female will ever have and it takes time to process all the emotions tied to this human called mom.

Great big warm hug! You will get through this difficult time. Be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a bit right now.

From your profile you did a lot.
Not only are you feeling the loss of your mom but there is the loss of you as a caregiver, the loss of you as a daughter.
Now what do you do with the time you have that you used to care for mom?
(I have to tell you that when I was caring for my Husband I often was awakened by him at 3 am and I would get up and change him...It took me months before I could sleep through the night.)
Was mom on Hospice? If so they will offer Bereavement Support take advantage of that. Reach out to them if you need to.
If you belong to a Church or other organized religion reach out to them as well many have support groups.
When you can look for something to fill your days.
Work, volunteer something that will give you meaning.

In your profile you were living with mom while caring for her.

Are you going to have to move? If so is this something you HAVE to do, or a want to do? If you don't "have" to move do not make any major life changing decisions for a while, let yourself settle in your new role.

Sorry for your loss, Jaxzee. Unless they have walked the path no one knows the lonely, all-encompassing duties of the caregiver. May you find peace somehow. I don't have advice, only sending a hug.

I agree, it will take a little time to adjust.

Try going to Church, a small one. They usually have womens groups, dinners where u can help. Even grief support.

Libraries usually have things going on. Ours has bus trips. The one I went on, seemed to be regulars that got to know each other.

Maybe a little part-time job. A friend of mine files and does odd jobs for a doctors office. Volunteering.

Check out your Senior Center and see whats going on there.

Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.

Start small - when I'm feeling alone I've found that just going to a coffee shop, the mall, a park or some other busy public place to be around other people is helpful. And taking in some form of exercise outside with as much nature as is available to you has been proven to uplift the spirit.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Grief is natural and has to be experienced. Your life was filled with care giving. There's now a huge hole left. The loneliness will cure itself once you are able to find other things to keep you busy. What helped me first was signing up for a tai chi class at the senior center because I was spending 4 or 5 hours a day, when not at my job, just sitting with a feeling of emptiness. Those were the hours that I had been with my mom or taking care of her house, finances, and you well know, all of it. There was no sense of relief, just a nothingness that was so sad. Also, I had not taken great care of my own health, so I had to get busy on that. Eventually the hours were filled. I called friends who I hadn't been seeing much of over the years and started going places with them. I of course still grieve, but feel her presence, coming right along with me, encouraging me to be myself again. Your mom would want that for you too. If you can't do it for yourself yet, do it for her.

Good Morning Jaxzee,

The fact that you are writing is a good sign, you are taking action.

You are so busy when you are caregiving that it's almost like being at a command post. Your routine is ingrained in you. You're centered and have your "list of things to do" and then just crash in a chair once Mom is put to bed at night.

For those of you who are new to this forum or new to caregiving, read and re-read this honest lady's cry for help. We can help you Jaxzee.

Jaxzee first of all, I think you are wonderful to do what you did, caring for your Mom. It's undervalued today.

Basically, a new normal needs to be put in place, for example--how about the following. Buy a pair of walking shoes, the good weather is right around the corner. Get outdoors, walk in your neighborhood. You would be surprised at the people you meet.

Get yourself a library card and check out the calendar of events for the month and choose one and ask someone to go with you or if you have to go alone and make yourself talk to someone--lecture, movie, book signing.

Join a Church--often a lot have groups for the grieving. Join one committee at the Church and after services see if one parishioner wants to go for coffee.

Volunteer work--there are so many wonderful organizations.

If you are able to work part-time or seasonal. Something fun, maybe work at a flowers shop for Easter. Start small, with little changes.

Honestly, some days I feel like I am going to War because you have to go up against the list of things to do in 24 hours per day. I just finished reading the book the 36-hour day.

But, you need to have some fun. If you can't afford a cruise how about a ferry ride somewhere or a retreat center. A lot of denominations have Grief retreats, you don't necessarily have to be their particular denomination.

When you depart on the retreat ask (2) people is it alright if I contact you and exchange cell or emails. In other words, start building a new group of friends that are not the CNA, Visiting Nurses, Doctor's, the tech at the blood draw lab etc. You see what I mean. This is really how we all live when caregiving. This is who we meet.

The local Y or some type of pool in your neighborhood will get you moving and out of the house. I have a great support group from a pool. Last week one of the ladies lost her husband. We all got out of the pool and when she entered we all hugged her gave her a book, had her over for coffee, sent cards. I told her you are not alone here, you have us. I know you have family but you have us here too. You can make a little family in an apartment building, your Church family and exercise family.

There are a lot of travel groups that you can join in on. I know it's hard. I am in it right now but I bought a violin, am studying Italian, work at night and make sure I write a check each month to my pension so I won't be living on popcorn in my old age. My siblings are literally traveling the world--I am not supposed to know, while I do all of the work. I honestly think they are hoping I will crumble after Mom passes because then they can say it was too much for me and that way they won't feel guilty for not helping out. There's no big estate so it's not like I am going to cash in.

But I have a plan afterwards. I am NOT going to be the girl in the market who took care of her mother and when you meet her she shows you a picture of her cat. There's a whole big world out there and our Lord will always be with you.
But, we need people too, and not online. The technology has its place.

You have to have a balance with these grief workshops too. Buy some flowers, a chocolate bar, turn on Kenny G, usher at local theater group to get in for free. Just get out of the house...Enough said!

My mom passed in November of last year and I have struggled to figure out what the new norm is.

Someone told me once that there are events that we have in our life that are milestones. Those milestones become a moment in time where we use it as a benchmark. "That happened before mom died or that happened after mom died". We gauge our life by using that moment as a benchmark.

That is the way I feel. I did end up utilizing the expertise of the hospice counselors and I am not, by any means, saying that I have found my new normal. I am still wrestling with "should have, could have"....I am still flinching at 3:00 each day since that is when I went to visit her.

But every day I get just a little better. I am forcing myself to reach out to others. I am engaging in new things (Ireland has great suggestions).

This is not a quick fix. You can't snap your finger and be back to where you were before you were a caregiver. That experience will always be apart of you. What you have to do now is event what that new person can become....and allow the caregiver experience to be part of that new person. Sounds complicated but we are all sums of our past experiences. We learn and grow from bad and good.

Stretch yourself. I am doing that....not easy but can be done.

I am so sorry. This is my fear exactly..after spending the past 5 years caring for mom I wonder how do I regain my life after she leaves this earth! I have started counseling and am expanding my world little by little now in hopes to avoid the pain later. Good Luck.

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

I have found solace in participating in charitable work and small kindnesses that would have been meaningful to my parents. As a result, my grief and love and loss has transformed to make a positive impact. If you want some ideas or examples, send me a private message.

The pain of your loss may continue in some form on an ongoing basis, but it will soften over time to a special, unusual and joyful emotion: a gratefulness of sorts.

Your deep love may also wrap around you as a comfort. As primary caretaker, you will have zero regrets and that will help tremendously. Others, who didn’t make the time together a priority, and now can never get that time back, may suffer.

This may seem silly, but I put mom’s scarf from her coat in a ziplock bag and it still smells like her perfume. That helps me sometimes.

Take some time every day to honor your mom in some small way and do something nice for yourself. Did she like chamomile tea, caramel corn, General Hospital? Do something that reminds you of her. My mom would always enjoy a sunset to the fullest and I try to stop what I’m doing everyday to watch the sun set, just for her.

What did your mom always want to do but not get the chance? Travel? Take a cooking class? See a particular musical performer live in concert? Make that your goal and share it with others who are also experiencing pain from her loss.

Don’t soothe yourself with the development or perpetuation of a bad habit, such as overeating or excessive drinking, as that will hurt you more in the long run.

Give yourself grace and permission to be sad. Grief is the end product of great love. The stronger the grief, the better the love, and the luckier you are to have had it.

Your loved one died, but your love in your heart that was nurtured and grown never can die, give this love freely to others.

Most people you know will have to endure the loss of a parent. Be there with a casserole and a hug for others and help them through what you are experiencing.

After a ten year struggle with cancer, my husband passed. I was 42 years old. I went into depression and had to have medication. My doctor (who was also a good friend) told me that "the rug I had been walking on for ten years had been pulled out from under me." Suddenly there was no routine, no caring for him, and no one in the house. It sounds trite but time was my friend. There were activities, church functions, grief counseling, but it just took time to heal. Saying I've been there does not help you much but there is hope. Everyone has his or her own way to heal; you need to find yours. I cannot tell you what to do; you have to do that for yourself. You did your best, take comfort in that.

Jaxzee, I have so much empathy for your grief and loneliness. It is a very hard transition to face life again after the consuming journey of caring for a loved one. My husband was diagnosed with cancer six years ago. For two and a half years my life revolved around his complex and intensive daily needs. When he died, my 13 year old daughter went into crisis and I have needed to be there for her. The following year my elderly father needed to move into assisted living and I am his primary caregiver and POA. He has just been in the hospital for three weeks with Parkinson’s dementia and now he may move to memory care. I am facing that he will leave this earth soon. I am bracing myself for the grief I will feel when he is gone and I will have no husband and no father. And the emptiness I will feel when I have no one to care for.

It is such a special role to care for a loved one. But it does isolate the caregiver and loneliness both during the caregiving and after they are gone is a real and painful outcome. I have ended up very socially isolated and lonesome. I love all the wonderful advice here on this forum and I hope you will try one of these suggestions and then try another. Start slow and build a new life.

What I find is that the journey of caregiving, followed by loss, makes me have to recreate my own life again…who am I now? What feels important to me now? How do I embrace my own life again? I find that being around people, nature and finding new friends who understand grief and loss is vitally important. Loss and loneliness has changed me and I can get depressed. This has created a pattern of ongoing isolation. I am working on finding ways to break out of that rut and take the risk to start again.

Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, I would also suggest relying upon them to help you find the new life ahead. Whether that is prayer or reading poetry or walking through a beautiful natural setting. Let the beauty of life help you out of the loneliness and grief. You still have a life to live. I still have a life to live. We must live it. Blessings to you.

Be sure to see your PCP for both physical and mental health assessment. Seek a grief support group near you and/ or seek 1:1 grief counseling with a qualified Grief Counselor. Your PCP may be able to refer you; you may also access grief support groups via local health departments, hospice entities.
Various faith groups also offer grief supply groups and/ or 1:1 counseling.
Do not ignore your " loneliness" and " grief". Seek help....sometimes starting with your PCP is an appropriate starting point.

I feel the same give me a call if you want to talk

My mom died almost two years ago. At first it took months before I could sleep through the night; everytime I would awaken listening for what had awaken me, sometimes getting out of bed to check on mom before remembering she wasn't there anymore. Catching up on sleep and taking care of personal care I had put off for too long. I spent 10 days in the hospital a couple of weeks after Mom's death. Remember that stat about how many categivers die before the person they are caring for? I was almost a statistic.

I started going to the kids' ballgames and taking the younger one to the park. There was guilt(?) that Mom wasn't there to join me on the trips. I missed not having my mother or my sister-in-law (the kids grandmother) around to talk about how well the kids played or what they got into. I called some cousins and arranged a gew visits. A few friends too.

But my life didn't really get back on track until I found someone else to focus on. A child in the foster care system who I was once kind to told a social worker I might be willing to take him (since none of his family would). I took him and found taking care of him and meeting his needs got my mind off my own troubles.

I suggest relinking with family and friends where possible, start attending community events you previously liked (even if you don't feel like it) anf finding a volunteer opportunity where you feel you're making a difference: reading to children, singing at a senior center, teaching/helping a sunday school class.

I, like others who have responded, know exactly what you are going through. I was a son who take care of his mom for a number of years. We had a daily routine that worked well for both of us. Set time getting up. Set time going to bed. It was only after I said "good night" to her that I would sit down to take a breather. I was lucky, as for most of our journey, mom was very cooperative and appreciative of my efforts. I was commended by her doctor, nursing staff, and even her hairdresser for the way I treated her. As I tell everyone, while it was the most challenging job I ever had: physically, mentally, and emotionally, it was also the most rewarding. She was able to remain in the family home up to the day before she passed at age 93. I was proud to have been with her as she completed the journey to the sunset of her life.

Suddenly, I had no daily routine. Funeral arrangements, and finalizing the estate kept me busy over the next month. I also had to deal with the fact I needed to start earning an income again. Through luck, I was able to find a job in the field I worked in years ago. At my age, I thought I hit the jackpot. I would be able to retire from this position and had a daily routine again. Well, to my surprise, I was let go for not being a "good fit" (I may never know the real reason). I am back to looking for employment and am experiencing the same feeling of exhaustion I had as a caregiver. What a roller coaster year it has been!

Mom was my number one advisor. She supported me and my siblings (who were not involved in her care) through life's ups and downs. I still say "good night" to her portrait and whenever I feel down, I look at a video I keep on my cell phone of the last time she had her hair done (Two weeks before she passed). She is smiling and when I ask if she enjoyed the visit, she replies: "Absolutely!"

I concur with many of the comments already provided. We will always grieve for the loss of our loved ones, and the process of moving forward will be different for everyone. Just knowing there are others who have experienced the same helps as we move forward with our own life journey.

Have you looked into grief counseling? I had very complicated grief after my husband died due to a number of factors and I had private counseling. I also joined a GriefShare group. They have chapters all over the US. It can be very helpful to have people who understand to talk it out with. Grief is something that can take a lot of work to get through. God bless you as you find answers.

Lost my husband last November after years of caregiving for him, was ok during the crises, but one who falls apart later—trying to regroup and get my identity back!

Ncami2,
So sorry for your loss.
I know it’s still fresh but I hope you are finding it to start getting a tiny bit better .

Losing my identity was not something I expected either .

Read the wonderful posts on this thread for ideas .

I’m in a similar circumstance - mom is almost 100 and care is becoming more and more intense & a full time job. I recently enrolled in a yoga class & weight training class at the local community college. Getting out for a couple hours & meeting new people is a great escape - not to mention the exercise is good for body mind and soul

Seek grief counseling online or in person or both. Also, caregiving support, even though you aren’t a caregiver anymore. You can still be in the group and possibly help yourself by helping others in the situation you dealt with for years. If possible try volunteering or a part time job. If you have any friends reconnect with them. Make new friends by being active…some exercise class or a community garden or other Community activities. Hobbies that interest you.

I’m sorry for your loss, but you know your loved one wouldn’t want you hurting. I’m sure they would want you to get one with your life and not be lonely.

My deepest condolences to you.
Grief is gut wrenching.
* Get all the support you need. Reach out.
* Invite the grief to be there, do not push it away. It is your heart crying to be heard and felt.
* Give yourself time to grieve and time to interrupt the grieving by doing something you might find healing, i.e., a movie, reading, painting, going to a dance class. You may NOT - likely NOT feel like doing these things, do them anyway.
- It won't take away from the grief although it will support your health and well being going through the process.

We are here for you.
We understand.
We give you a collective hug.
We share in the pain of your loss.

Sending you light and love,

Gena / Touch Matters

My mother passed in 2020. I still miss her every day. We lived together 48 years after my father died. I took over his role in a way as a diyer fixing and taking care of everthing house and yard no charges to my mother. I write a "Note to Mom" every day as I have no relatives or friends where I now live to socialize with. My support group is gone as I was forced to sell our home to pay my mother's debts and cover probate and inheritance tax costs. When I am feeling really lonely and sad about my own present living conditions as an elder living alone in a new location I allow my self to cry, get angry or express any other negative feelings I may be experiencing at the time. And then once all the negativity is released I go about daily life. You do the best you can as a caregiver. When the one you cared for is gone there is a feeling of deep loss not only for losing your loved one but also your job as 24 hours a day caregiver. Feel the loss is not easy but those feeling won't kill you. You have the rest of your life to live and do your best to live it well. You already handled a very difficult job successfully. Now you do your best to take care of you. You earned that right. God bless you Jax. Remember your life matters too.
Now take care of you as well as you did your mother. Do her proud and carry on with your life.

Me too. I was the full time caregiver for my husband. We moved to help a daughter with daycare while she was going to school and working. Due to his dementia we didn't make new friends in our new location. That was 10 years ago. My husband died last August. It's hard. It's lonely. It's sad.
I began with a strength training class at the senior center, and going for a walk each day. Then began volunteering at the local food bank. Both helped. There is a grief group I'd like to attend, but it meets at dusk. I am awaiting a later sunset as I worry about driving at night. Also thinking about taking a class at the local college. They have discounted short classes for 'Lifelong learners'. I sympathize with you! It's so hard to get motivated! But steel yourself and make a start. I am a work in progress.

I read one time something about post caregiving and in short it emphasized the importance of creating new life and how we caregivers owe to ourselves to live the best life possible after caregiving.
Makes sense to me.
Perhaps you need to grieve longer, there is no such thing as right or wrong time.
Can you recall things that brought you pleasure before.
Maybe little by little you can do some.
Some find journaling helps to restart, recreate their lives
I know in many ways I grieve not lost but losing partially what we had and I have plan A and B, looks like I should make plan C as well.

I know what would work for me. I’d get a rescue dog, take it for training at a PetSmart or training facility, get to know others who have dogs and watch the magic happen. Dogs seem to bring people together. The dog would be there 24/7 to keep you company and new people would give you a reason to get out of the house. Although, your age may be a factor if you are employed. If not, start enjoying life. My friend, a new widow, just rescued a dog and is so happy. Dogs bring people together. Good luck to you.