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People find meaning in many things, I've heard of all kinds of strange gifts and rituals at graves. Unless these things are blatantly disrespectful I wouldn't say anything, simply gather them up on your visits. If the cemetery has a groundskeeper and rules are being broken then you can ask that they speak about it with your husband's relatives directly and don't involve you.
Thank you Cwillie for taking the time to reply to my post. I have removed the items that in my opinion are not acceptable. Relatives now know that fresh flowers, woodland wild flowers and plants are very much appreciated. I am trying to help them in their grieving process but mea culpa, I have strong opinions about items on graves. My late husband liked to place wild flowers on his Mum's grave.
Oh, for goodness sake. He is gone. Perhaps there is even some attempt at healing guilt. But with the way you are carrying on about "silly things" left at the grave perhaps they were UNABLE to be with him more because no one could get along. These things clearly mean something to them. Can you not with good grace allow them to each grieve in his or her own way. Arrange them in a little basket or something. They will tire of it. Our ability to find something to fight over just exhausts me when I think on it to any extent. A graveyard food fight now. Lordy. Save us from ourselves. And Trudy, hon, your care for all that time truly was heroic and I am very sorry for your loss.
It has taken me a while to reply to your post as I found it hurtful.
When my husband was alive, his siblings etc were always welcome to visit him but they chose not to get involved in any way.
Yes of course I respect that they need to grieve and have no intention of fighting over issues. Certainly not as you say " a graveyard food fight"
His grave is now a sacred place and I will keep it as such. I always ask / or tell my sister-in-law when I put flowers on my brother's grave simply out of respect for her wishes and in my opinion, good manners.
Trudy, you are a hero for all your caregiving and I'm sorry for your loss. In reading your additional postings below, it seems you are bitter about the siblings not visiting while your DH was still with you. Perhaps controlling what they leave on his gravesite is some passive aggressive statement from you? Is that why you have not listed what those items are? Although I disagree with how it was expressed by another commenter, in essence I do agree that your energies can be better spent and move forward to a new chapter. Peace to you.
My thought is, it is best to ignore. If truly bothering you, just put them in a basket away a little space. The things might also have had childhood meaning, and your husband's spirit is laughing. So sorry for your loss. Do be aware that anger is part of grieving, but it is not worth your effort to aim it at them.
I understand this is a sore point for you. But why do you tell your sister in law each time you take flowers to his grave? I do not understand the reason for that.
You have not said what these 'silly things' are, so perhaps it is in the eye of the beholder. I know for my bil when he passes, I will be putting a Tonka Dump Truck at his grave. It relates to a story that was between the two of us. May appear disrespectful to others, but he would understand.
I spend time in a couple cemeteries in France last year. Seeing what people leave at a grave beyond the usual flowers, gives some insight into the lives of those buried there.
Some cemeteries have plaques for easy mowing. Our local one allows fresh flowers from April to October. Nov to March artificial. Maybe flags for military holidays. Other than that, I have never seen silly stuff on markers.
I think I wouldn't have appreciated it either. These things should have been done before he died, not after. There is probably some guilt here. I agree, it will eventually stop.
Thank you so much Tiger. I find it disrespectful. I have made my wishes known and requested that they respect them. It is totally acceptable to place fresh flowers or plants on his grave and I understand their grief. He was a very special person.
In your grief, focusing on the "things" that make you angry will just cause yourself to be tortured.
Can you come back to explain what is really going on, and why it is a problem for you?
Just a thought...you are under no obligation now to continue a relationship with his siblings. You can soon as you feel like it, start a new life for yourself. Do you have children?
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. yes you are correct, I am trying not to focus on things that make me angry. A grave is a final resting space and as such, it is a sacred space.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Thank you,
Trudy
It has taken me a while to reply to your post as I found it hurtful.
When my husband was alive, his siblings etc were always welcome to visit him but they chose not to get involved in any way.
Yes of course I respect that they need to grieve and have no intention of fighting over issues. Certainly not as you say " a graveyard food fight"
His grave is now a sacred place and I will keep it as such. I always ask / or tell my sister-in-law when I put flowers on my brother's grave simply out of respect for her wishes and in my opinion, good manners.
Thank you for taking the time to reply
Trudy.
You have not said what these 'silly things' are, so perhaps it is in the eye of the beholder. I know for my bil when he passes, I will be putting a Tonka Dump Truck at his grave. It relates to a story that was between the two of us. May appear disrespectful to others, but he would understand.
I spend time in a couple cemeteries in France last year. Seeing what people leave at a grave beyond the usual flowers, gives some insight into the lives of those buried there.
Trudy
I think I wouldn't have appreciated it either. These things should have been done before he died, not after. There is probably some guilt here. I agree, it will eventually stop.
trudy
Trudy
Sorry for your loss of your husband.
In your grief, focusing on the "things" that make you angry will just cause yourself to be tortured.
Can you come back to explain what is really going on, and why it is a problem for you?
Just a thought...you are under no obligation now to continue a relationship with his siblings. You can soon as you feel like it, start a new life for yourself. Do you have children?
Can you ask the cemetary to keep the grave clear of anything but flowers?
On a regular basis?
Do they sign their names?
How bad is it? Can you press charges for vandalism? Would that be reasonable?
thank you,
Trudy
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