I have written here before, some years ago. It's been 9 years since the passing of my beloved mother. For every time I fall into this black hole of blaming myself for my mother's death, it tends to get deeper and deeper, and I honestly don't know how to continue living.
My mom was dying and one night had rapid, hard and loud respirations (no mucus) without any pauses. This went on for 9 hours before she passed.
It was my fault that she passed that night.
I rang the nurse who came and gave her a shot of morphine and sedatives (called Stesolide in my country). Maybe it eased it a little bit, but the rate was just as high, around 50 breaths per minute. In panic I rang again after 30 minutes, and said that I didn't think it helped. I thought that the shot would have a significant effect, so Mom's breathing would ease, little did I understand at the time. It was the experience for HER that it helped, the morphine couldn't CHANGE her breathing. It was I, a scared daughter who panicked. I so wish the nurse would have spoken to me, telling me this, calming me down and also telling me what another shot of morphine that close to the first one would do.
My mother died 2 hours after the second shot.
So, I basically killed the one person I loved the most on this earth. :(
My mother was totally awake and alert that night and would have lived some days more. But I destroyed her remaining time and I made a farewell impossible.
My brother had gone home during the day, and I WENT TO BED AN HOUR BEFORE SHE PASSED! I didn't understand what was going on. I thought that she would be able to rest after the morphine and we would meet in the morning (a lady from the nursinghome staff went to sit with her).
I hastened my mother's death and I went to bed, and I feel this guilt has destroyed my remaining life. I feel so alone with this, I have tried to look for other people that have experienced something similar, but I haven't found anyone.
My mother was dying from pneumonia, she had been sick for 15 years from multiple strokes, we had been there for some days before this happened, but the nurse had said it would take time. It breaks my heart that she had to pass this way. :(
I don't know if I have a specific question, besides how do you carry on living with a guilt like this?
If someone have experienced the same kind of regular very fast breathing without any pauses, that would also help to hear. It was so hard to witness.
You have ruminated too long about this, please do as Sadinroanokeva has suggested and seek counselling about this 🤗
But to be given two doses with not so much time between is pushing the person to die! I did not, at that time, understand thing, I was dedicated to help my mother in what I thought was distress.
I later read that fast breathing in the dying is not necessarily a sign of distress, BUT very distressing to caregivers.
I know that morphine is often used for the dying, what is bothering me is that my mother was given another dose of morphine so soon after the first one, and this caused her to stop breathing.
The nurse said nothing of the risk of doing this before giving the shot.
My mom would have lived more days if this had not happened, she was totally awake.
I have taken help from different therapists over the years, it keeps coming back and I see it as a film playing in my head as if it happened yesterday.
There are so many things that you do not know for sure. Trying to use facts and numbers to statistically calculate how much longer your mother would have lived is impossible.
Maybe, just maybe, she waited until your brother was gone and you had gone to bed to pass. Maybe that is why she was in distress, she knew she was at the end but she did not want you to witness it.
Take comfort in the fact that she loved you and you loved her.
Please, please look for comfort in all the love coming your way.
I have been in the black hole of guilt- depression, replaying my father’s death over and over. … please keep reading my note to you even after I say this next part.
you must get counseling and possibly ( even fir the short term) medication. You must do this b/c you know that your beloved mother would not want her daughter to suffer. Am I right? Re-read that last sentence. She would not want you in this anguish.
i think what would also be extremely helpful to you, which I did , is to talk to Dr about the process of death and how morphine affects the body. Your mom was in DISTRESS. You and the PROFESSIONALS did the correct thing. If the microphone would have hastened her death, the staff would have said “no”. What the Morophine did was to slow her heart rate so her panic at not being able to get enough air ( I’m sorry if this is bringing back memories) was lessened. It calmed her panic.
there are people who believe there might be a miracle~ even though they are watching the death process. I can respect that. Miracles happen, but, dear friend, they are rare. As much as you want to think you were controlling the situation ( her death), you were not. Call it God, call it biology. You , the nurse, dr, etc we’re not in control then. You ARE in control now. Seize this control.
One more thing. Often loved ones pass away when the people they hold dearest to them are not watching. Again, call it God, natural instinct…. I don’t know why, but perhaps it was a last kindness to you. You must be gentle with yourself.
I beg you to seek counseling bc the days you wished for your mom are being given to YOU. Life is exquisite… please live it.
With Love.
FOR you.
You are reading things about death that may not be correct. Fast breathing is distress.
I see 3 points in your story that are a focus. The nurse had said it would take time; you called and they gave shot; and you didn't get to say goodbye.
Firstly, the nurse tried to prepare you but she doesn't know. Every time they give us a prediction, it's wrong. I think mom's breathing change is an indication of a change in status. She probably had only hours to go. In hindsight, you really needed that nurse to update you that night, giving you a better indication. She wasn't perfect.
The shot sedated her yes. But the nurse knew what she was doing. She wanted to relieve your pain as much as mom's. In reality mom may have been hanging on cuz you were there. She was looking at an agonizing wasting. Instead she was asleep.
It seems you wanted an idyllic death while you were there. But most often they wait til you leave the room briefly to die. They stick around because you are there. Your mom already know how much you love her. She knew you were there for her. It was easier for her to go like she did. How do you know? Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be.
I hope I didn't cause you more guilt or sound too simplistic or trite. Every step of this is traumatic and you question everything. But your mom had a good death too. Just not the one you wanted.
To say with 100% accuracy that the last shot of morphine was the reason she went a little quicker, is something you are devising in your own brain and are continuing to promote to yourself, the question is why?
I would strongly urge you to go to therapy, get some help, this self-imposed guilt is something that you have been manifesting way to long. It appears that this thought process has all consumed you.
Keep in mind, we are all destined to die, you or no one else here on God's Green Earth is powerful enough to stop the process.
I for one would prefer dying quicker, suffering in pain is not my thing.
IMO you were wanting her to live longer for you, not her, maybe she was ready and that is what happened she made the decision to move onto a better place, this you will never know!
That is extremely well put. Thank you.
on Mother’s Day I arrived to find my mom moaning in pain, comatose basically . I called the Hospice on call nurse. Who was with another family and would be awhile. She stated if it had been a half hour since her last dose, have them give another dose. My mom needed it. Your mom needed it. When the nurse arrived she had to give my mother another dose… I am relieved that my moms pain was relieved.
I too, have the I should’ve not left. I should have stayed, they tell you a length of time. I wish I had more knowledge. I was on my way back when I had received the call from Hospice.
For your sake , change the narrative. You helped give your mom the gift of dying pain free.
The thing is I don´t think my mother had pain, neither was she struggling to get air. She had very fast breathing and I was afraid that would make her heart stop. But the morphine made her heart stop. I was not prepared for this.
The thing is I noticed that my mom did not want that second shot (she was totally awake), but I was so dedicated in helping her breathing that I didn´t take it as seriously as I should have.
I believed that it was her time and God called her. She had many ailments, and if you could talk to her, she would tell you she is free from pain and suffering. Now you should be too. Stop beating up yourself and be kind to yourself. Get to a grief counselor or bereavement group, and work through this.
Those few days you wish for would have been very unlikely to have led to a romantic farewell; instead, as an RN I have seen them come to begging for an end, begging for help. If you want to speak of guilt for allowing that to come, I would understand your reasoning, but for peace and a gentle final exit, and after this number of years, I am afraid you may need help beyond what a forum may be able to give you.
I truly would suggest counseling and therapy, and I am not someone who says this without having HAD the same three times in my life when my own ability and understanding was insufficient to handle a life crisis. While mourning is individual to us all, for you to take on this responsibility of guilt, has a whole pattern that needs to be combed out with help of a professional. Guilt beongs to felons, and they never feel it. What you are experiencing is grief, and it is now, at almost a decade, too long to carry this.
People have many subconscious reasons for remaining in a state of guilt. Guilt implies that thee was an answer, one you chose not to hear. That there was a cure you refused. That something could have been different and you chose not to see it. Guilt implies you could have fixed all this. Am that is a kind of hubris. It suggests you are godlike, or at least a good fairy with a strong wand. Grief, instead, understands that loss comes to us all, and is the price of our giving and receiving love, which enriches our lives.
I am sorry for your loss, but it sadly does not honor to your Mom. Would she not have wanted you to ease her death and celebrate the wonder of her life?
I encourage you to seek help from a good therapist. I have found that often for life transitions work a private practice certified Licensed Social Worker is best. I wish you so much luck and my heart goes out to you.
Have you considered that your mother was ready to die? That she knew she would not recover and wanted you to be spared watching her pass? She obviously knew you would not be able to deal with this and tried to make it easier for you. She is not in pain or distress, she had a long life, and you are wasting yours.
Guilt has no place in life. If you did something wrong, which you did not, you need to make amends. The only way to do that for someone who has died is to live your life for both of you: do the things your mom would have done; experience the things and the joy she is no longer here to share; live each day as she would have wanted. Be loved and loving, appreciate your family and friends, enjoy the good and the beauty in the world.
Please go search for one asap, like tomorrow.
Call up a local grief support group, call your doctor, hospital social workers, hospice providers, and ask for recommendations for a good therapist. Do it now.
He was in the hospital with end stage CLL. Slowly drowning in the fluid that was building up his in lungs. He could not cough it up and he was trying, but no strength and no energy to do so.
We get a call that he is actively dying--and we hustle to the hospital. The oncologist met with us (Dh and me, SIL and BIL) and he explained that dad could NOT recover from this, as he had almost no red blood cells and he was actively dying and miserable. Dr asked if he could give dad a shot to 'ease his discomfort'--Dh and SIL just looked like deer in the headlights. I stepped in and said "that would be wonderful"--you guys OK with that?" which was all the dr needed. He stepped up to the head of the bed and the IV hanging there and proceeded to empty a HUGE bolus of morphine. He kept his back to us, but I knew he was essentially ODing dad on morphine. And GOD BLESS HIM for that.
FIL died less than 15 minutes afterwards.
It took YEARS for my Dh to not blame me for 'pushing' the morphine. IDK what he thought was going to be the outcome.
8 months later I was doing the same thing for my sweet dad.
KarenBe--you are wasting YOUR life second guessing your decision. I hope you find a good therapist to help you through this.
To then see another poster like cinderblock get so upset at the true words from DrBenshir tells me that NONE of us can possibly get through to you who are suffering from such self-imposed guilt. You honestly believe you 'killed' your parent and nothing we tell you will change that. PLEASE seek out professional help before YOUR lives are further destroyed due to something that happens to ALL of us: death. In reality, we have no say in when a parent passes; and whether we hire hospice or administer pain meds to them in an effort to ease their pain, they WILL pass away on God's timetable, no matter what. If those pain meds cause them to pass a day or two sooner, so be it. In the grand scheme of things, I'd rather be on earth a day or two LESS and not in mortal pain, wouldn't you?
We can't always get past irrational emotions on our own; sometimes we need professional help to do so. Now is that time, OP, after 9 years of self torture. It's time you allow yourself to put that memory of your mom's breathing out of your mind so you can move on with YOUR life.
Wishing you the best of luck doing so.
Some research has shown that if the grief stricken person was very dependent for practical and emotional needs, or their world revolved around the person who has passed they will be more likely to suffer from one of these disorders.
These people do not find a pathway that leads to restoration of a satisfying life, they are entangled in grief.
One thing this does is keep the attention on them, so it appears that it is a layered mental health disorder.
There is help out there, I hope that these posters reach out and get the help they need.
I wish them the best.
You are not God and you are not responsible for her death. Please learn to meditate and please have a discussion with a grieving specialist. Do you know the 5 Stages of Grieving? https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
One of my friends was a hospice nurse. She used to praise families who had the courage to make decisions that ended suffering sooner, and has many medical directives in place for herself and her own family. She's seen suffering first-hand for decades. I know if she was reading this, she would tell you made a wise and loving decision, using the best knowledge available at the time. Your mother loved you, and would not want you to spend years torturing yourself like this. Perhaps you can honor her by forgiving yourself, and spending the years you have left doing things you and your mother once enjoyed? Bake a cake in her memory, walk on the beach in her memory? Whatever you once loved together, do it now. Do it with your kids, if you have any. Isn't that what she would want?
You sound like a great daughter who did her best. Now maybe go live your own best life, with the help of a therapist, if needed?
That's not true. I had a morphine drip that I could get a dose every 11 minutes.
Reading your previous posts, you are looking for a reason to be responsible. You need to find a great counselor and deal with that angle. Your parents were dying, they knew they were dying and they were ready to go. Do you begrudge them that peace? Because trying to find a way to live in the past and be responsible for nature, does them no honor.
Most of the medications given for this purpose ; I have taken at some point over the course of my life for various ailments or moments in time….. to make me more comfortable…. And in much higher doses than that of a hospice nurse!
I KNOW these medications personally and I know their value when I needed them. I also know that guilt; in my family, my husband’s family, and watching others….
My resolve has had to be- I know the suffering that can happen without it and it’s just not worth that risk; to the patient NOR the families!
Second guessing and doubting is hard not to sink down into—but we do them no honor now… for doing all we knew to do then… to ease their suffering and their flight…. We did our best with what we knew!
Knowing what I know and seeing what I’ve seen- I can’t believe that the low doses I’ve seen given could ever take that which is not coming to an end.
Please troubled heart; don’t keep tormenting yourself! What if SHE had had to make that decision for YOU?!?!
Give yourself the peace that she would want you to have! Give yourself the peace that you would want her to have, had it been reversed! Hugs and more hugs
I hope you find your peace!!!
Are you a nurse? Do you think a nurse would risk her license and take orders from you rather than do what is prescribed for those situations? Why do you think you bear the responsibility for what was going to happen AT THAT EXACT TIME anyway? She gave your mother the shot, and I have absolutely no doubt that it was within the medically prescribed parameters for treatment. Medically administered morphine doses are not akin to some 1920s-era morphine addict shooting up in a dark alley, for heaven's sake. This sounds like you've watched too many bad movies.
No, your mother did not have days to live, unless you possessed a crystal ball none of the rest of us know about. Plenty of people are up talking and seemingly fine, then die immediately after. I myself have a friend who'd had cancer on and off for 15 years or so, but was not having any active treatment at the time she died. She made lunch for herself and her husband, then went into her bedroom to take a short nap after lunch, and died in her sleep. She was 52, and there was absolutely no warning whatsoever that she even felt unwell. Illness takes a huge toll on the body, and eventually the body decides it's done. Her body was done, as was your mother's.
No, "hearing" that people who die right after their first morphine dose were going to die anyway is not fact. Use your head -- you're operating on feelings and innuendo with no knowledge whatsoever of medical facts.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think this drama is part of a bigger issue that needs to be deeply delved into with a proper therapist. If this has been going on for nine years, it sounds more to me like you've made this grieving part of your identity and a way to avoid other things in your life. I'm no therapist, but it certainly seems to me like you've carried this to an extreme.
It's up to you to decide whether you actually want to get over this and move on, or whether it's somehow more comfortable to wallow in this depression and unearned guilt. You should know that no one dies on someone else's time schedule, and the fact that you were not prepared for the timing of your mother's death doesn't mean that she didn't die naturally when she was meant to.
Though it is a different time and place and a different loved one, I really hope this opposite perspective of keeping a LO alive, helps bring you peace with your mother.
To simplify the dynamics and make the story understandable, I'll call my older sibling L and L is my only sibling. This is also only the emotional price paid and doesn't address any of the others.
While passing through the area, I got a cell call that L had been admitted via ER to ICU. I was unexpectedly made medical representative for L.
L has several emergency surgeries and spends several weeks in the hospital with most of those in ICU. As L's medical representative, it was up to me to approve surgeries and all the other procedures associated which meant keeping L "awake". With no sedation, L understood and felt everything!! Eventually, L was released to home care rehab. Months later L remained in major distress with no known reason why. L was in the middle stage of life.
Less than 6 months from hospitalization, L was dead -- not from Covid -- from undiagnosed cancer.
I lived with the "What IF" guilt. Finally, I "released" the guilt for my uninformed decision to pursue full care instead of the better option of palliative care.
You need to release yourself too and get the help that it takes to do this.
This is my life´s hardest lesson, to forgive and let it go.
I did everything for my Mom, and had fought for her so long, it breaks my heart that the three of us didn´t have a proper farewell. But I am trying to listen to one relative who claims mom had said goodbye many many times during her long illness.
In recent years, I’ve had to have several shots of morphine in the ER and after surgery. (Neck hard disc complex etc and issues from there down.)
Some smaller doses, some larger.
With all- the initial “punch” lasted about thirty to maybe 45 minutes.,, I was usually hurting again within 2 hours…
This is just my experience with that med but I think you would find peace in knowing that what you might have seen on movies etc may need re-examined…
NOTE- when they OD on TV - they are usually found with the needle still in their skin. It’s instant.
And no nurse could violate a doctor’s order- the doctor ok-ed a certain amount… and your nurse was under that. She did what was morally and legally allowed- no more no less.
She was almost totally independent till 2-3 weeks before death.
Then hospital, inhumaine pain, morphine every half hour for days, did not kill her. With her consent and 2 independent drs she got what is know as MAID (canadian for medical aid in dying), one shot, she died peacefully within minutes.
Assistance in dying purpose is to escape days/ weeks of intolerable pain and agony.
If your Mom suffered few more days/ weeks would that make a difference?
You need to find closure which really is that last step in grieving when you experience acceptance.
I can understand your mother had pain, as I understand it that´s when many morphine doses are needed.
My mother was as they call it "opioid-naive" with labored breathing, so she was not used to morphine. Too much in those cases can push them over.
At that time, I did not fully understand that, and I trusted the nurse, but the nurse wasn´t the regular one, she was called in during events happening at night.
The morphine did not kill him, the cancer did.
The morphine allowed him to die without pain and agitation.
9 years is far too long to blame yourself. You did not kill your mother, she died from pneumonia and several comorbidities.
The nurse would not have administered an overdose.
The thing is, when I asked the nursing home for my mother´s medical journal, the time interval between the doses were not correct.
It said 10.45 pm and 01.45 am.
I told them that my aund who was sitting by my mom´s bed said there had not been given a shot 10.45. Where is the shot registred that was given at around 01 pm?? They didn´t answer me...i wrote several emails begging them to admit the nurse had made a mistake, begging them to take responsibility for it. But there was nothing but silence from them.
sorry… I thought of something else dear!
I have asthma!
The thought of dying while gasping for my next breath terrifies me to the point -
I have got my own monthly plea bargaining gimmick with God over my asthma!!!
Ive begged Him not to let me go by drowning or pleading for air!
Mine isn’t severe- but the few really bad episodes I’ve had were very very frightening! The utter panic and racing heartbeat pounding is …. I can’t find another adjective! Horrifying!
If you did something to take or calm that… it was a GOOD THING!
Is it perhaps nearing the anniversary of her passing? I hope and pray this lifts from you! And do keep reading! There are more opinions than the one you’ve locked onto about the benefits of morphine during this phase.
My mil had multiple doses towards her end… but she left when she was called! Hugs!!
I totally understand that it must be so very frightening not to be able to breathe when having astmha. Hugs!