My father in law has been with us for 2 years. I originally agreed to a few weeks until a longer term solution could be found. I have had enough and it's starting to impact my marriage.
My wife stayed over at her girlfriends place, on a girlfriends night out.
No problem, I looked after her old father. Then I discovered that he has had the heater on 24 hours a day for months on end.
I say to him and my wife "Why do you need the room continuously at 27 degrees when you're under the blankets? Electricity costs a fortune and it went up 25% on the 1st July. Could you please just have it on for a couple hours in the morning and couple hours at night, especially as you're well rugged up.
He stays in bed 23 hours a day, except when he has an occasional appointment.
After saying that you would think I'm the worst person in the World.
I would like him to move into a nursing home or at least have a 6 or 12 months end date agreed.
However it's like he believes he is entitled to be looked after and my wife doesn't want to put him in a nursing home either.
The room he's in stinks, he hasn't had a shower in 2 years and I feel compelled to be relatively quiet all the time.
I'm sure that all he does is damp down a towel to clean his front and arm pits 2 or 3 times per week at most. Whenever we have him in the car I have to have the window open as he stinks so much, then he complains about the wind and cold.
Any suggestions?
Have you talked to your wife about the issues you have? Your home and marriage issues should be hers as well. What has she told you?
Is she too afraid to talk to her father about the problems he's causing? Sometimes, it is better if you talk to FIL man to man.
First of all, he should be contributing to the costs of food and utilities, at the very least. Is he?
Second, it sounds to me he is almost bedridden if he spends 23 hours a day in bed. He should have someone come to give him a wash (in bed or in the tub) a couple of times a week. Check with his doctor.
Tell your wife you want to find long term solutions that will work for everyone, not just FIL who has turned your home into a stinky nursing home. You matter, your wife matters, and your marriage matters.
You need to get him evaluated, Office of aging can help you here. If they feel Dementia is involved then a Neurologist for a formal diagnosis. If no Dementia, then a place of his own. HUD has apartments based on income. Once you know what his needs are, then u tell your wife he is pasted the few weeks. You want your home back.
I am really surprised your wife puts up with this. Me, I would not have put up with the smell. Boundaries should have been set when he moved in. Your wife was not obligated to move him in, she did him a favor. You may have to be the bad guy here and talk to him man to man and explain this is your home too and if he stays there will be rules he needs to follow. If he does not want to, he can find himself a place to live.
Even if he prefers remaining in bed, that's not an option. He should be sitting in a chair and engaging life. You said he takes a car ride, so he's capable of getting up. Get him up every day. Make sure someone is coming in to bathe him if he's unable to at this point after lying down all day. It's like you're going to have to "undo" the past two years that he's been in your house just remaining idle.
...and then, maybe you and your wife can look into other living options for him that provide proper care, depending on his financial situation. But having him in bed at your house for 23 hours a day is not a benefit to him.
You can't stay compelled to be quiet all the time with an elephant of THIS size in the room! Be The Bad Guy now and have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife so you can both get on the same page. FIL has overstayed his welcome and your wife knows it.
Best of luck to you.
This is not a healthy marriage by any stretch of the imagination.
You are being taken advantage of, you agreed to months, not years.
Time to stand up and be counted, obviously your wife does not have her priorities aligned properly.
You do understand this can go on for years and years, trust me, my mother is 98, in AL, certainly not living with me.
Sending support your way.
Why did he move in with you?
What help does your wife give him?
If he is fully cognizant and your wife does not help him with ADL's (activities of daily living) why is he living with you?
I am not one to give or suggest ultimatums I think this is a situation where one is called for.
Give your wife a "Move out date" example "Move out date is September 1."
Either her dad moves out or you do.
The hard part about this is...you have to follow through, are you prepared to do that? (the follow through is the difficult part about ultimatums)
I think this is more a marital problem issue than an elder care problem.
As to the elder needing more heat, that is called normal. They lose the body fat mass to help keep them warm and they are less active. Good start points are long underwear and they make it cozy and light weight in our times. A knit cap keeps the heat in really well. And a discussion of costs if Dad can still participate in such discussions.
Now on to the real issue. I think that you and your wife need a good calm sit down talk weekly about what is working and what isn't working in all of this, and as you said, some limits. It must work for BOTH in a marriage or it isn't working, and placement is necessary or a divorce is in the future (in likelihood).
I sure do wish you the best. If you can't talk together about this, then perhaps marital counseling is an option before your wife has to be forced in choice of Dad or hubby.