I have never worked so hard in all my life. I find it impossible to keep up with all the coordination of care plans & keep my own self care.

I was curious and went to look at the plate you are currently dealing with. It is overly full. What kind of support do you have, Mickey, because I cannot imagine how you will keep up with this if trying to do it alone. The issues with your elder will become worse.
Can you tell me a bit about the Sister and her child? Do all live somewhat independently of you, with you responsible for running around between all the needs?

I struggle with this. Whatever you can throw money at to take a job off the table is probably the answer. Cleaning service, home care aid, grocery delivery or hire someone for errands, etc. do you have kids that can take over a task, like phone calls to an insurer or whatever. I am not successful with this most of the time, unfortunately, and would love advice myself. I am always in the weeds.

There are Geriatric Care Managers that could take a lot of the stress off you.
It is possible they could help with the other members of the family you are caring for.
If you are keeping records for court (If you are Guardian for each or any of the people you care for) the cost of having someone help with that can be taken from their accounts so you personally are not paying for it.
Also if everyone is living with you I would think charging their accounts for some help with housecleaning would be acceptable by the court as well.
Delivery service for groceries is an option.
Many laundromats have a drop off, pick up that might help. Most that I have seen charge by the pound. So I would send out the stuff that is a pain to wash and fold.
And is everyone doing what they can? Can more tasks be added? If mom can fold towels give her the basket of towels to fold. Can she pair socks?
And do you have volunteer services that might come in once in a while to give you a break?
And is anyone eligible for Adult Day Programs? Most provide transportation and will give everyone a break.

It is not your job to make everything perfect for someone else at your own expense. Reset your priorities. Get help from a professional organizer or therapist if you feel irrational guilt.

I feel your pain. Yes it is difficult. Sometimes I get up at 4 am just to have some time for myself. Even when you have a social worker/case manager to help, you still have to be on top of things.
It helps me to make to-do lists for either the day or the week, and just focus on that. I try to triage what is important at that time, and let less important things slide if I have to. It keeps me from being completely overwhelmed.

I wish I could find a way to do this also. I am supposed to have weekly records for all my care for my mom since January. I have been only taking 3.5 hours of pay for myself at $15 an hour. I guess if I stop my own personal care, don’t sleep, don’t clean the house, do laundry, mow the lawn. I’ll have time to do everything for my mom on top of her total care. Oh but my sister did help for 2 hours last weekend. BFD.

My Physically and Mentally sister is the One right now who is Caring for Dad and I have suggested Time Management so she can do her Best. She is now into a Schedulw with her own Home, Hubby, Herself and Dad.

Hello, I have realized as a 15 year season caregiver that I was doing all of that for my clients. Then I realized there is a new term in the caregiving world. We are certified Elder care advocates that have been trained in every area of care.

As a person I. Washington state, there is a long process for being certified as it is complex. We basically meet with the family coordinator or the person I. Charge, and we assist based on getting to know exactly what your needs are.

As a private Certified Eldercare provider I can charge my own rate and tend to be lower than most, because I as.a daughter of elders, saw a huge need in our area and found this to be helpful
Remember an Elder care Attorney has its place in certain areas so you will want to keep that in mind
..

It starts anywhere from what does your loved one need?
In home health, moving to a different location, organizing and making sure all of the doctors. Are in network to hiring moving Van's, to accounting and transparency of.financial information and included in that is seeing that all of your parents or loved one is up to date on all health related medical check ups. Dental cleanings.

This is overwhelming for anyone that has a full time job and needs to make these decisions by yourself.

Let me give you some national numbers that will or could assist you where you need it. Good luck.

Eldercare advocate locator

Get help. If you are meeting daily, weekly, hourly schedules, meeting requirements and goals, you are running a business, and nobody runs a business without help (except maybe Ebenezer Scrooge). Get someone in for an hour or two and go out and get your hair done, and while you are in the salon and away from it all figure out where you need help. You can get qualified help from several sources such as Home Care Agencies, even your community or county social worker can give you helpful information. If you attend church you may have a source of help there, if not counseling and other forms of support. But get yourself out of the thirty-six hour day. Better days are ahead!

By prioritizing.

What has to be done - do it. What can wait, let it wait.

That's how I was a 24/7 Caregiver for my DH for 3 years.

First of all, you acknowledge there is a problem and also face the fact that we, as humans, are not all made the same. If we work full time jobs and have families and other responsibilities, WE MUST COME FIRST. So, we either hire people from the outside to take over where we cannot go any longer - or we eventually allow ourselves to be destroyed. Or, we must consider placing these people into situations where they are safe and cared for. Not everyone can handle everything - some can and do and others just simply can't or won't. I sense you have tried and can't. Do not feel guilt. Do what you can but seek appropriate other solutions. Don't let anyone push YOU into the path of doom. You do NOT deserve that so you must figure out what the next step is and get it done. In time your worries and frustrations will turn to extreme anger and possible hatred - don't do that to yourself.

I'm going to weigh in on this from a 'burnt to a crisp' attitude.

I was dxed with cancer 4 months ago. A shot out of the blue and not good timing (is it ever??) I'm treating and doing well.

The previous 2 years I had been deeply and horribly involved in helping 4 people I thought were 'friends'. Being there for them at the drop of a hat, along with caring for a hubby who had 2 'widowmaker' heart attacks in the midst of my involvement with these people. PT caring for a mother who kind of hates/resents me and dealing with her jailer/caregiver, my YB who will not allow me to do anything for her, yet refuses her smallest request if he feels like it.

And the usual family dramas--a very sick daughter going through a terrible pregnancy and needing in home help for 24 weeks...she lives 3000 miles away!

All this AND caring for my home, running the whole show--gratitude? Some, but I very slowly came to realize that I was running on high speed and was suffering from depression and anxiety and feeling like I was failing at everything.

In the course of about 4 month, 3/4 of the 'friends' felt that I was not doing a good enough job for them, or something...I don't know. One just moved and changed her phone number and she's in the wind. One got mad at me for cutting her off my credit card--which she ran up to $4K without anyway of paying me back. Blamed ME for the F-up her life is because she cannot make a decision--and when I cut her off (leaving a full month's rent and utilities on the card--I'm not a monster) she said "Great, now what am I going to do?" She has not really spoken to me since (My church reimbursed me for the CC, but not for several months, so there was a lot of stress there) Third friend got mad at me for not supporting her in a Nigerian catfishing scheme. (You must wonder how I find these yahoos!) I told her I was worried about her and she cut me off flat. won't talk, defriended the FB thing...all of it.

All along my DH is getting really steamed at me b/c my JOB is to take care of him and the house and work a PT job if it fits into the schedule. He could see me melting down and would get angry...but I didn't listen.

My FIRST meeting with my oncologist, he asks me, straight out "Have you been under a LOT of extra stress in the past year or so". Dh looks at the doc and me and says "tell him the truth". I did--all the gory details and he said "One of the primary triggers in the type of cancer you have is stress. The cancer has lain dormant for years. You simply couldn't outrun it any more. What changes are you going to make? what are you willing to give up?"

Wow-what a wake up call.

First went the PT caregiving for mother. She doesn't care and I don't miss it.
Then, with some therapy, letting go of toxic relationships that were just dragging me down.
Then caring for myself, whatever it takes. I went to bed yesterday at 5 pm and got up at 9 am today. (Chemo on Thursday-kicks butt).

I can care for my house, grocery shop, do laundry-all the usual, but at a slower pace.

And I say no a lot. I do compassionate service, try to do something each day except for the 5 following chemo--not really a good idea. But I don't let people bully me.

I did do a quick "Kondo cleaning" prior to starting chemo and having an organized house really helps. DH travels most of the time and he has been gone more than he's been home, so I CAN baby myself.

Hired out what I could afford to hire out (yard work) and let the guilt go.

CHARTS AND CALENDARS for each 'event' on the fridge. I am forgetful and w/o these reminders I'd miss important things. Each night I see what's in the works for tomorrow and cross off today.

I'm 5 weeks away from a 21 week chemo regimen, and I DO NOT plan to go back to the hyperactive squirrel I was before.

I am important. And for the first time in my life, I realize the mind/body connection is VERY powerful.

Take care of you first.

I started a Bullet Journal in July, which I use to keep in one portable notebook everything I need to do, thoughts on how plans are working, ideas for future improvements. Most of all, my Bullet Journal helps me figure out what really needs doing, and what makes sense for me to let go of.
One caveat, many people use their Bullet Journal as an art journal too, and making simple planners into beautiful works of art. If you are interested in something very simple just to start keeping up you might want to avoid Pinterest (totally intimidating) and just Google “Minimalist Bullet Journal.” Start slow and simple, because the last thing we caregivers need is more overwhelm!

Thanks for this question. I thought it was just me. I know I'm getting old and slowing down, but there just aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done. I'm looking forward to reading the answers.

It's not really possible to maintain it without it affecting our own health and wellbeing. There is a toll for sure. That's why respite, and getting support services in place is vital. If you sense this is still too much after putting services in at home consider permanent placement.

Been doing it for 3 1/2 years, and it has only gotten worse as she progresses in her disease process.  I figure when she dies, then I'll have more time on my hands to play catch up...and to remember that I was there when she was still alive and to help her as much as I could.  Can't turn the clock back.

No one does it without getting occasional respite.

Hello,
I'm in the same situation with my mom. Organization and time management is the key. This is what I do it works and eases the load. I take time to pay her bills 1st on 1 day and do my business the next or the same day. Now it's going to take time but it gets easier and won't take as much time as you perfect the system.

1. Created a separate folder for correspondences Medicaid/Medicare, insurance (Optima), life insurances and bill folder.

1st I balance her check book before I pay her bills and the middle of the month for automatic drafts to make sure everything is on track.

A. I have a folder for quarterly bills (Jan., Feb. Mar.). Create a new one every 3 months. ** If I call a creditor I write a script on the bill for reminder if I need to follow-up the next month and what was said, who, date and time.

B. I created a tablet for her bills as I pay them with columns headings.
Account, bill amt., amt. pd., date, acc.#, conf. #. (Separate page for each month) ex. August 2019 heading
As I pay her bills I document in her bank ledger and tablet. It's easier to reference the tablet if you have doubt if something was/wasn't paid.

C. I pay all of her bills by the 5th of the month online, phone and automatic draft of ongoings accounts like insurance. ** Write her insurance #'s and bank acc./ check card information on the folder. ** I get to the table with all of her bills opened and stacked together. As they come in I open and glance at it to make sure it's not urgent and stack on her folder. **I write the date and amount I paid on the bill. ** Large paper clips to keep each month together in the folder.

D. Find a drawer or shelf in a closet to keep them. I keep my mom's important life insurance, burial documents in the bottom of my drawer.

2. I follow the same procedure for myself.

3. I clean the house on Friday or Saturday every week. Except the bathrooms and kitchen may need touching up along the way. Pick a day/ evening that's best for you.

4. Get a calendar and write doctors appointments w/ time in the space. Keep it open for that month glance at it weekly. ** Set a reminder in your phone calendar also.**

5. Another tablet for important phone numbers of services she uses. Ex. Medicaid, insurances, care services and a list of doctors. ** I created a label in my phone contacts "Mom Information". There I store all of her doctors #'s, aides #'s, the agency ect. When I write in contacts I put ( Dr. Who- Foot or Mrs. May- Social Worker). This way you can open up her contacts to find the person you need because you won't remember them all.

6. Write her medications w/ dosages on paper and keep in your wallet. Also take a picture of it so that you will have it for doctors appointments. ** Update it as the medications change.

7. Take a picture of the front and back of insurance cards.

8. I bought a small lunch bag for diapers, paper towels, snack, small bottle of water and I keep her insurance cards in it to take to her medical appointments.

This seems like a lot but you will have piece of mind knowing everything is in order. This system will put you on top. It will get better. I too was overwhelmed and stressed but now I can sit back and relax for some me time and not be worried about moms affairs. Good luck!

Hello,
If you're getting long term care, you can request more hours by contacting the doctor explaining why and request a letter be sent to you. You can get up to 70hrs. a week.
Next contact the agency request another observation by the RN for extended hours. Once you have the letter give them a copy. The agency will be the one to apply for more hours.
Then contact the social worker for additional information you need and to ask them to guide you through the process.

If you're not, find an agency check reviews first. Go into the office sign up and they and will apply to Medicaid for you. They will send a RN for evaluation first.

Hope this additional information is helpful.

When my mom still lived in her own home after being diagnosed with dementia, I was cutting her grass, paying her bills, picking up her prescriptions, filling the weekly pill dispenser, do her laundry, making doctors appointments and taking off work to take her, grocery shopping, getting crazy calls from her while I was at work and I still had all of my own life chores to do...I literally thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  Something had to give, so I put her house on the market, put her car up for sale, sold most of her furnishings that were old and broken down, went through the garage and attic to remove a life time of hoarding/saving crap.  While her house was on the market, I had to leave my job to remove her from the house and do a quick clean up before every house showing... it was just awful.  BUT - once the house and car were sold and I moved her into assisted living, it helped tremendously!  I set up a trust and put all of the money she made off of selling her house/car into it.  I pull from that to pay her expenses and I have the assisted living bill and the pharmacy bill on auto pay.  A doctor comes into the AL facility on a regular basis so I no longer have to leave work for her to see the doctor.  A podiatrist comes to the facility monthly as well.  Now my duties are filing her taxes, making sure her bills are paid, and I still do her laundry.  Even managing those things can be exhausting sometimes, but much more doable than what I was doing for her originally.  Her dementia is getting worse and I know it's just a matter of time before I have to move her to a locked down memory care facility, but that's where we are.  She didn't fight me too much on selling her car and home, but it had to be done.  I am only one person and she needed more care and she needed social interaction throughout the day which I couldn't give her because I work full time.  I strongly suggest you look to see what facilities are available in your area.  She may acclimate better than you think.  Being around other people that are in her age group / stage of life can be comforting.  The AL facility mom is in is very nice.  You might be surprised. 
Good Luck

Wow, it overwhelms when I see all the stuff everyone does for their family member.
I did only laundry, cleaning, groceries, & rides to Dr for 3 years. Then after the hosp stay, mom went right to ALF, & afterward I just paid bills & brought foods & toiletries every week.
I could never have cut grass & all that! Cleaning out her apartment was rough cuz I did it alone, but God bless Goodwill, for coming with their truck in a blizzard!

You MUST set your own limits otherwise you'll either go nuts - or God forbid, injure someone, or get addicted to some substance to numb out.

* Make time for yourself.
* Taking care of YOU means you can be available to care for another.
* Consider the quality of life YOU DESERVE and make changes accordingly.
* Hire college or high school students to help you, or friends.
* See what social services are available in your area, or support groups.

So many who find themselves in this situation haven't been taught or even think about putting their self (and health) first. You may have to make some major changes in your thinking to change your behavior. Guilt, fear, conflicting emotional feelings - not easy staff to deal with - although your life depends on it.

I couldn't. My full-time job went to part-time to no time. I now spend 95% of my time caring for my mother and her stuff. I am alone, and when she is gone, then I will have plenty of time to figure out what to do next.

Aside from getting outside help, why are you letting this happen to you. When the needs and the behaviors of those around us are draining us and destroying our lives, we must be strong and remove them and place them into a facility. You do not deserve what is happening and you must not allow it to continue.

I am like your twin. Absolutely exhausted. The point is how long can we keep it up with out sacrificing our own health. I've had the stomach flu since Monday. There is no one to help me do anything meaning everything. I am looking forward to suggestions from this lovely overworked forum. Many blessings.

GOD manages my mom! She has very little money, but everything/everyone she needs shows up - and it's a lot, believe me.... I used to try to keep up with her, but not able to, and I'm so grateful it's off me now....