I have thought it over and thought it best to lay all my troubles and feelings out for DH before drastic measures are taken . We sat down and had a long discussion he definetly knows how I feel about taking care of MIL she has physical and mental challenges , we have not come up with a plan . According to him he will be forced to get an apt so he can take care of her to which I highly doubt and expressed as much . He as well as myself are Hoping she does not come back but that is neither here nor there , everyone else in the family is pushing for her to come . Son from overseas and daughter . So my DH is being squeezed into a situation that will not end well . Nobody has money to shell out a separate apt to pay so she can stay there and set up aides for her plus she wants 24 care and I told this to DH how hard it is to take care of her he has no idea what he will be putting on himself and I’m assuming also thinks I will just lgo along and won’t have a choice . He is wrong I left before and will most certainly do it again. Why are these old people like this ? Do they have no shame ? Pushing themselves onto other people . She shouldn’t have a say in where she goes . Those days are long gone . I told her once I can’t take care of you and her response was of course you can your strong . Maybe I’m just venting thank you
This is going to be a nightmare. There will be no support for placement of this woman and there is no money for her care. THAT MEANS you and your husband are IT.
I am glad that you spoke with him. I hope you have the ability to get and hold a job. I would tell him that the second the plane leaves the tarmack in your MIL's country you will be getting your own room to rent in someone's home, studio, or small apartment and you will be divorcing him or legally separating from him with division of finance.
For now, start looking up attorneys to assist you with legal separation and start looking at the cost of housing for yourself in your area. Your husband will be taking his mother in. You are the one who will have to leave, or stay and assume her care.
I would have been in an attorney's office seconds after our talk, and would have been completely honest with my husband about why.
Cons:
- covering her cost of living & care will be onerous and unstainable to the host family, robbing them of resources for their own care in the future
- she won't qualify for Medicaid probably ever
- if she doesn't speak English finding private caregivers or sending her to Adult Day Care or respite care may be limited or even impossible
- financial burden will stress marriages
- caregiver burnout will stress the caregivers and their marriages
- the relentless stress of the host family will degrade their qualify of life and health
Pros:
- the children in her country of origin will be free of her while feeling they've done their filial duty
Show this list to your husband.
Tell him that it will be your immediate decision to separate or divorce if mil comes over.
Not all old people are like this, it is the children who do not have a backbone to say NO and go about their life. Your husband is not being squeezed into a situation, it is him that cannot set his priorities and will allow this to happen.
I wish you the best, keep posting it will help!
You don't have to say but the reason I ask is I'm married to a Hindu man and he has told me that his mom has told him "Hindu people don't go into nursing homes" Whether that's true or not in India I don't know but I do know that here in Canada there are lots of Indian people in care homes. I'm sure it's similar in the States.
As it stands now my DH's parents (94 & 88 yrs. of age) live in their home here still but my DH spends every other week there with them. At the risk of sounding heartless I made it clear very early on in our relationship that I would never live in the same home as them. I think by doing that I set up the precedent for our relationship. My DH has never ever breached the subject of living with them with me cause he knows better. However his parents did a few times and I set them straight.
Boundaries are important. Starting the way you want to end is important. If you don't want to be a caregiver and let's face it not everyone is cut out to be one then don't give an inch.
I took care of my own mother cause I loved her but she never would have expected more than I could give. That was the difference.
Every new culture that hit our shores has said the same. The Southern Europeons, Greeks, Italians in the post war years. The Vietnamese & Sri Lankans in the 80-90s. Now the Indian, Chinese & African. Why don't you 'Aussies' families look after your old people?
Once here & established, with jobs & crushing mortgages that require 2 fulltime wages, raising children, paying for schooling.. they SEE & FEEL the problem.
Most families need women in PAID work to make ends meet.
An old-money-lady asked me once "Do you work to buy extra luxuries?" If you call food, footwear & education for my children 'luxuries', then I guess so (I replied).
Not saying it's a GOOD system. It's wonderful that families help family. It's how we survive generations.
But Mothers do not eat their young.
A generation ago we were only looking at a short caregiving stint because people just did not live so long. Now it can be 20 years. Who on earth would want to sign up for that?