I really hope she does go because she hasn’t acted like my mom since she moved in close to two years ago. Anything I bring up she tries to blame me. I have been stressed and depressed the whole time but she only has half hearted apologies. I made a huge mistake by inviting her in during 2020 when she needed more care. She is stronger now so I pray she does go. It’s not healthy the way she can’t hear anything I say. My dad said she changed before he passed away. Boy was he right! She’s delusional the way she views things. Very narcissistic. She can’t hear me when I try to tell her the toll this has taken on me. Mostly by the way she treats me. I used to be so easy going and making jokes. Now I feel so numb and lifeless because I feel like I don’t know who my mom is anymore or at least she doesn’t treat me like a daughter. It feels so shallow. Like “what can you do for me so I’m happy” kinda thing. It’s very sad and stressing. But she can’t hear me. Instead she cries the “poor me’s” if I try to explain and she worries about her money that she's been racking up since she moved in. She’s saved tens of thousands by living here and barely pays us anything. My siblings live in other states and have never asked me how I am doing or if we need anything. Two of them don’t visit her. And one of those hasn’t spoken to her in almost two years. Another has only come to see her a few times. When I bring up how my mom has made me feel, she'd rather lash back at me which only makes me feel worse. She’s not capable of being warm even though she fools all her relatives on the phone. Sadly I see right through her now. She wants to be portrayed as an angel. I haven’t been myself since she’s been here. Our home is small now that we downsized and I never saw that we’d have her here. Big mistake for many reasons. She said to me and implies “I’m not all there”. That’s a slap in my face for everything I’ve done and all the stress this has taken on me. She doesn’t realize how stressed I am and feel like I’m just going through the motions because I feel like only her caregiver rather than her daughter. It caused me headaches, sleepless nights, periods that I shouldn’t have anymore, sadness. I can’t avoid her because of our home layout. Every day is the same script. I gave all of me and nothing will be good enough for her. My sister doesn’t speak to her anymore. Now I know why. But my mom can’t be at fault in that either I suppose in her own eyes. If she does move, sadly she won’t see as much of me as she did in the past.
then u can point out where she is and that the care giver trauma is getting too great she will have to move to the next step.
I have read so many post i find myself being confused about the facts r to what i am replying. I have multiple sclerosis Memory Issues not dementia yet. have a very stubborn father with booming voice who has a new dimentia diagnosis. He refuses to live anywhere but alone at home, even after what turned out to be a very serious fall.
My past occupation was as an engineer.. I made up a flow chart beginng at ...mom died -> dad lives alone without accomadations -> dramatic situation happens(fall)-> dad lives at home alone with accomadation->dramatic situation occurs again-> dad goes to assisted livng or home health care-> dramatic stiuation occurs again-> dad goes to nursing home..
but after a dramatic situartion occurs I show he can bypass the next step and go directly to following step. then i point out were he is on the flow chart.. I leave the chart on the kitche n table so he can look at it as he wants to...
I am learning nothing is consistent with dad, its all about thinking of things to do with him..Just got a bunch of games from NFL shop. Easy stuff will offend him, games for ages 3,5,6+ shouldnt offend him if the subject is the NFL . .
Packer fans get dimentia too.
You could tell your mom that you agree that she needs to move, but she needs to be somewhere with people around who can assist her if she needs it and that would be assisted living. I would also suggest a dr's appointment to have her checked for dementia prior to any move. Reinforce that moving back home alone is not safe and no longer an option.
I had told her we were a team and could find her support and she said “ I always did everything in my own.
so you just have to accept as much as we want to help- some people will always refuse and attack us for it.
Give her her wish and let the consequences happen sadly.
Do only what you are willing to do without appreciation.
she needs to see that her choices effect her
She makes you feel bad because this has been successful in manipulating you and you stop pressing her to go. Put your armour on and get her gone.
Last resort is for you to move and create a happy place for yourself.
* You, or whoever is the POA, needs to do what is in her best interest ***
* If your mom doesn't have a POA, you need to handle this need.
*** If you continue to allow her to 'run circles around you,' you will continue to pay the consequences - emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Of course, you have sleepless nights, headaches - you are allowing her to control you (as she likely did for decades; it is behavior you know, so understandable. However, there comes a time when YOU must change - no matter how frightening and uncomfortable it is for both of you.
- Learn / realize that you must set boundaries (behavior) for yourself (what you will do and not do), and her.
- State these clearly to her; do not repeat. She will 'kick and scream' wanting her own way and thinking she can manage her own life. This behavior may not change.
* As a way to manage interactions with her, give yourself 'time outs' as needed. DO NOT believe or feel you must 'sit there' and listen to / take her ranting. Tell her ONCE, if you do not talk to me calmly, I am going to leave. And then you must do it. She'll want a sounding board - YOU. Stop this behavior in yourself (you may not be able to stop hers, with the exception of how you respond / behave and she will start to 'get it' . . . If I do xxx my daughter will leave. She likely won't want you to leave.
* Do not ever argue. Instead:
- Acknowledge her words with reflective listening. Feed her words back to her, i.e., I hear you saying "xxx" - is this right?"
- If me, and knowing she is narcassistic, I would provide compassion and clearly state my boundaries once. She will want to argue and argue ... knowing she is right (although she isn't).
* Of course she doesn't know how stressed out you are - why would you think she would - or could even put herself in your shoes to understand this / you? She is not capable of doing this.
SO . . . GET YOUR CARE PROVIDER / DAUGHTER DUCKS IN A ROW.
1. Get medical diagnosis.
2. Get legal authority as needed.
3. Set Boundaries / keep to them.
4. Realize you can do so much and then you need to let go.
5. Realize you deserve a quality life and make time for yourself.
5a. Get support as you need, be it therapy, volunteers, other family members to support you/r mom's needs.
If you do not do this, you will burn out and pay the consequences. Do not do this to yourself. This is 'tough love' and you are doing it for her, and you.
Gena Galenski
Touch Matters
Make yourself an appointment for depression, right away.
If she is willing, a Geriatric Psychiatrist could help her personality disorder, otherwise, pack her bags and have her wait on the front porch!
I hope things work out with you and your mother, but if she truly wants to go home, please let her. Sometimes it is hard to live together and you may find your relationship with her will improve.
If she needs financial assistance. There are programs out there that will help her pay for her caregivers (which could include you) and also pay for things she may need in the home. We have a program here called IRIS that is very good.
There is NO 'one size fits all' care plan for ALL elders, so please stop acting as if there is.
If it’s found that she as dementia then you begin the process of getting power of attorney and all your legal ducks in a row to have her placed.
Or if she is competent enough, let her live on her own. But it definitely sounds like she need to be out of your home. It’s only building up resentment.
Just be prepared if she does live on her her, then she may start in with complaints and remarks about how lonely she is and has no one to help her. Another common thing with dementia is nothing is right. In your home, she doesn’t like it…in a facility she doesn’t like it…in her own home she doesn’t like it…having a caregiver come in to help, she doesn’t like it.
You have to do what’s in her best interest and her safety and your piece of mind.
I would like to tell you to please please try to take care of yourself now. You are important!! Your mom definitely needs to go to AL for BOTH of you. In the meantime you need to focus on your own mental health. I didn't do that and both my physical and mental health tanked for a while. I know it can feel desperate when you are trying your hardest, making sacrifices right and left only to be dismissed and given more "tasks" or demands. It can feel soul crushing. My therapist noted the following and it helps me a lot....she said she believes my mom uses the "demands" and constant tasks she asks us to do as way to control her own anxiety....almost like she is probably unconsciously shifting her own anxiety onto us as a coping mechanism. In that way I see that her behavior is really not about me or anything I do or don't do. It is 100% about her, her fears about aging, loss of independence, things she can't do anymore. When she says something I try to catch myself in the moment and remind myself "this is her issue". My husband's father thanks him for the phone calls, visits, time spent together etc and I often wonder, why can't I get just a little of that from my mom? Bottom line in my situation, it's never going to happen. You can't control what your mom will say or do, all you can control is yourself. So my suggestion to you is to try to start in small ways to take care of yourself. Try to get to a therapist for support. Talk to friends. Build some exercise or destressing physical activity into your day. A few minutes of meditation to clear your mind can do wonders. And most importantly begin to learn and know in your heart that your mom's behavior toward you most likely has nothing to do with who you are, how hard you are trying or what you did or didn't do. Try to feel good about yourself because you have stepped it up for her (regardless of her response) and although the things that she says to you may feel personal, they are really not. It is probably more about where she is at on her journey and in her head. I wish you well!
Is it safe if you tried the home visiting services--VNA, speech, CNA, physical, occupational therapy, meals and then if something turns up the decision will be made?
These things are so hard since let's face it everyone, myself included, wants to remain at home, personalities aside.
Just a suggestion...
This lasted about 5 months. It was stressful but it was for her best health and it was hard for me to always be on and be the adult. I looked for facilities and found reviews and prices of ones she could afford. I prayed a great deal about this wondering if this was God’s best plan…. Then I planned a trip for an event and told mom that I could not leave her alone, no one was going to live with her and she had a choice to look and choose a place to stay for a few months or I would have adult protective services evaluate her and she would be in their care. She agreed to look. She was pleasantly surprised! She moved in that week. She loved it so much that she has been there 2 years as of now. HINT/TIP: do not get the extra care of the facility if they do not communicate with you if she refuses care (showers, reminders). I paid for that and it was a waste of money. I got her a private carer for 3 days a week 1-5 and that covered 2 meal escorts and 3 showers and lotions and exercises (walking or going to an event). That person reports to me and eventually I got mom 7 day a week 1/2 day care from 2 people.
I don’t think it was that fun living with me as the adult in the room. I love my mom but I know that the dysfunction she had was bad for her and me and I am grateful that she is safe, happy, independent and I can be a loving caring daughter again. I did put blink cameras in the apartment and told her they were speakers. I also put a Alexa Echo Show so I can see her and she can see me when we talk.
You have to get your mom out out of your home and I think the 60 day limit suggestion is a good one. How you and your husband initiate this conversation is yours to decide, but it must be done, and soon.
If your mom absolutely refuses to move into an ALF even after visiting one or two, you have to stick with your date certain for her to move out of your home - which is the ONLY viable option here - and assist her with that move and aid her in setting up what services are available and that she can afford. She's saved untold thousands by living with you in your family home and now it's time for her to pay for her cares.
Families are messy and you were likely the Scapegoat in your familial dysfunction. If your mom has always been an NPD or if this is apparent only now with advancing dementia, it does sound as though your siblings could care less about your feelings, just like your mom. Be that as it may, you cannot care about their views of you; you're a grown woman in your own right and have complete say on your boundaries, esp in your own home and marriage. Two years is a very long time to have put up with all of this and as long as you have your husband's support (even if you don't), you do what is best for your wellbeing. You're drained beyond words and this situation cannot continue. You have to make yourself stop caring about what your sibs think or say about you and your retort is that unless they are willing to take her in, they can zip it.
She quite likely cannot make it in her home, but if that's the only carrot you can dangle to get her out of your home, then facilitate that move. To cover your bases, you may want to notify the local or state aging services and let them know the situation. Get her moved back to her home prior to calling a home care agency, btw, because they will refuse to admit her to their services if she is unsafe with in-home cares and you don't want that to be an obstacle to her moving out of your home.
If she succeeds for a period of time, great. If not, then you do not, for one second ever entertain the possibility of her moving back in with you, she goes into care. You can keep and eye on her or have another sib do so and this requires eyes on her, not phone calls. Once she is failing at home, then you step back and have someone else take this on. She'll need to go into a care facility and you're already the 'bad daughter' so why take on more? Whomever among you is her DPOA will have make the decisions on her living arrangements going forward.
Have you been paid anything for the care you've provided for the past two years and other costs incurred? Likely not and you may want to consider whether or not to open that can of worms involved in asking for retro compensation. In hope you're not her designated DPOA because the dynamics seem hopeless now and will likely become much worse. If your sibs are open to a family meeting, you may want to arm yourself with recordings of her true behaviors in your home, all those things that others deny or don't see.
You will come out of this numbness and fog once she's out of your home and you'll begin to lighten once the arrangements are in motion. You have gone well above and beyond and should never feel guilty about saving your own life and sanity.
I wish you and yours the best.
Cher, here are my observations - for your thoughts.
"I mentioned to her about moving but she fights it".
Of course. She is comfortable where she is. She is with family, has low bills, has everything she needs.
"In front of my brother she mentioned that I wanted her to move."
So? Why does that matter?
Is there pressure from your Brother to be Mom's caregiver? Are you female? Is that a factor?
"It’s always the other person, never her".
Shrug. 'Whatever' to that juvenile attitude. (Can't reason with un-reasonable people).
Right now you may be in a cloud. We could call it fog.
- You will benefit from a clear view of your situation.
- Then start to decide *what you want* from what is possible/available/affordable.
- Then start plans towards that goal.
At the momement your story seems to contain a small seed of a WISH that Mom will move out. I get that - gotta start somewhere!
A little wish won't be enough on it's own to accomplish what you want.
💫🌧️🌱☀️🌳
In order for you to get her out of your home, you'll have to take on the role of being an even WORSE daughter than you already are. Also, who cares? She's not appreciative of your efforts or happy with you as a daughter anyway, so what's the difference if she's a bit MORE unhappy? No difference.
Go scout out the local ALFs and then give her a choice of which one she'd like to live in. Yes mother, I'm The Bad Guy, I accept it, now off you go. I love you but I need my life back & my privacy now.
IDK if she's capable of moving back into her home and living alone? If so, that's a great idea. Move her back into her house & offer to set up in home caregivers to come in daily to help her out. On her dime, of course. And you can set up other services for her too, like housekeeping, food delivery, etc. PROVIDING she is capable of living alone. If not, then AL is the way to go.
Get tough, lay down the law, and give your mother a move-out date right away. Then stick to your guns and make it happen. Otherwise, she'll be with you until the day she dies, with you complaining about it and never making any progress at all. Nothing will ever be her fault and everything will always be your fault, so let this eviction be your fault too.
Good luck.
This is you post from Sept 2021. Why did you not do something last year? There were 2 posts that month. You said her stay was only temporary because of a hospital stay. Would be nice to know how old Mom is.
Maybe you and husband need to sit down with her and bluntly tell her "this arrangement is not working." Her staying with you was only temporary until she got back on her feet. Your home is not big enough to continue her living with you. So she needs to figure out what she wants to do.
See if there are any independent living apts near you. These usually provide meals in the cost of rent. Also, activities and transportation. ALs the same thing but with help if needed. If she is serious about moving back home, let her. Find out what services are provided in that area. Its only been 2 yrs, she may be more comfortable there because its familiar.
I may first try to get her to a PCP for her yearly Medicare exam. There may be something physical going on, labs will show this. Ask that her hearing be checked. It could be wax build up. If this "change" was really something new, it should be checked out. Depending on her age, she could have been covering up the real her. There is some decline as we age and the filters go by the wayside.
That being said, and since you say she change a lot right before your father passed, then let's assume she's having some sort of age-related decline.
- how old is she?
- is anyone her PoA?
- does she have any other medically diagnosed health issues, like diabetes, COPD, etc.?
Your mom needs an exam to discount that her behavior change is not due to problems that are not cognitive, like: a UTI, thyroid, vitamin deficiency, dehydration, stroke, depression, tumor, etc. Once these are discounted then she can be give a cognitive and memory exam. She should also have her hearing tested and get hearing aids if needed. It will be very difficult for her to manage her care if she can't hear anyone. And definitely be impossible for her to live by herself.
Once you know what's going on then you can help her make decisions. You may want to take her to an AL local to you so she can see that the newer ones are really nice and have lots to offer. Many times elders just remember nasty old NHs from decades ago and need to know things are different now.
In the meantime, it will help you to educate yourself about dementia (since this is likely her issue). Go to YouTube and watch some Teepa Snow videos. You will need to interact with her differently in order to keep your relationship more peaceful and productive.
Finally:
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.