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I have provided 99 % of the care for my mother over 15 long, hard years. My brother lived near mom and was retired, but I had to go to Rochester, NY to care for my ill parents (from Maryland). I was also working full time. Of course, as I had to stay taking care of them, I LOST MY JOB. Dad died after 6 weeks. I had gotten both of them into the hospital, then hospice for Dad, then did the funeral arrangements. The list of how many hells I had to go through for my mother over the next 15 years is too long to mention, but there has been a ton of legal and administrative work taking alot of my life. Then we had to get mom out of her home and into assisted living. My good husband and I spent 2 1/2 months clearing out her home -all day, every day. I did all the paperwork, doctor's appointments and got her into assisted living. No help from brother. My brother came to help clear out mom's house a few hours on a few days. It was back breaking. My husband and I did 99% of the work leaving our home in Maryland for months at a time, paying for things like cutting the grass etc. My brother controls my mother's money. She put him on her accounts and took me off as POA when I provided proof that he was spending her money for his own uses. Did that lawyer in NY State act unethically? When I questioned her how she could take me off as POA, she said she had not registered the POA. How can that be ethical???? Do I have any recourse???


Anyway, there is more property that has to be emptied and dealt with, not to mention other administrative work. My brother wants our free services again. I need low cost help. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose out if there is any inheritance to be had {as I LOST MY JOB and spent endless amounts of time caring for her/them }. But I don't want to be his free labor again. He is trying to get money from me that mom gave when we emptied and sold her house - when he got twice as much and didn't do any of the work. I can't take the inequity and injustice of it all. Please give real definite suggestions of how I can protect myself from being abused again. What sources of help are available to protect me that really work? My brother switched lawyers away from the lawyer mom had been working with (where we were both POA). He got POA away from me. He also lives near her and controls her decisions. The new lawyer is working for him while Mom is paying the lawyer's bill. Mom has dementia and I have proof of it as I had to have many tests done. I need practical help and advice!!!!

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It has been a hard slog for you and I'm so sorry about the strife with your brother. You would need to prove that your mother had a medical diagnosis of dementia in her records and THEN the PoA was changed in order to have any recourse (that I'm aware of). If there is no such proof, I'm not sure you have a legal leg to stand on. You would need to prove some wrongdoing by brother. You could spend $300-ish dollars to consult with an elder law attorney who specializes in financial abuse to see if you have any grounds for a case. But you could take it to court and still not win. Laws vary from state to state. You don't live in the state in which your mom + brother reside so I would not take the advice given on this forum as bone fide legal advice that you can take to the bank. You probably cannot retroactively demand reimbursement for your mother's care if there was no contract between you and she to begin with. As financial PoA your brother is not obligated to share any info with you. Maybe stop being his free labor until you talk to an attorney. If your mom gave you money when you emptied/sold her house, this is called "gifting" and would be a problem if she ever needed Medicaid (and many people who thought they had enough funds saved up DO wind up needing it). Again, consult with a lawyer that knows the laws specific to her state. I wish you all the best and peace in your hearts whatever the outcome.
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Your services are not FREE. Tell your brother what it will cost the "estate" to do what needs to be done. Roughly $150.00 per hour and if you have to travel add that. If you have to stay in New York add in hotel bills as well as food.
If he does not agree to pay you then do no work for the "estate" He can pay professionals to do any work that needs to be done.
Frankly I would not count on any inheritance as he can make sure that disappears. And the only way you could "find" it is if you hire your own lawyer and possibly a "forensic accountant" and how much would that cost you and how much would you get. The only ones that "win" in cases like this are the lawyers. Truth be told it does not sound like it is worth the emotional toll it will take.
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You have been removed as POA by your Mother, and she appointed your brother. So let him do for her now all that needs to be done, and turn your back on this mess. Don't do any more.Walk away. And walk away from any hope of an inheritance as well, because I think by the time they are finished there will likely be no inheritance. If he was smart enough to get the POA conferred on himself he will be smart enough also to get the will changed in his favor. He has a lawyer. Do you now want to sink money into getting your own and going to war over guardianship of your ill mother? Walk away. And by the way, any work you do for the two of them? I agree with the 150.00 an hour charge. Otherwise dump it in their laps and get on with a good quality life, saving your own money so you do not have to "count on" an inheritance that you are unlikely to ever receive. Sorry for all you are going through. If you need good legal advice, seek an elder law attorney and pay for an hour of his or her time. That is likely the best advice you will get moving forward. Remember, the choices you made in doing all you did were choices you made. That they have turned out not to be very good choices is a point to learn from, and move on from. Not to compound and make more complex.
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