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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I am married and have 3 grown up daughters. However, as I am always stressed out and very resentful towards my sisters lack of support, it's beginning to take its toll especially with my marriage...HELP!!!!!
Does your sister know you need help with your mom? Has she said that she will help you? If not, I'd ask her if she is able and willing. If not, then, I'd accept her answer. Some people aren't inclined to do things like that, so, I wouldn't let it bother you. I agree about hiring help. It's too much for one person around the clock. Can your mom afford it? If not, I'd explore what benefits she might be entitled to.
Are you on talking terms with your sister? Could you ask for help on some specific things, like paying bills, getting supplies etc.? It is important to be specific in your expectations. Not enough to think well she knows I need help. That's too general. Talk about what kind of help you need. And if she offers money to pay for services, that is a form of helping too.
Looloo123, we must remember that not everybody is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver, I know I wasn't.
You wouldn't want a person who would go into sheer panic if a parent fell down, and not able to think correctly on what to do next.
Everyone has something that they are really good at. Is sister good with finances, then have her do Mom's bill paying and checkbook balancing. What about grocery shopping? What about doing meals? It doesn't all need to be hands-on care with the parent. But every little bit does help.
I'm guessing your situation is like mine was. It would take a complete idiot to live 10 minutes away and not know that you need help --for 5 years. And I'll bet you have asked, hinted, cajoled and cried. And even someone who's not into care-giving can give you a break, just sitting with her, for an afternoon or evening a few times a month. If all I had to do was visit, I'd give it that much time. Then there's the money, if there is any. If you don't have POA, and even if you do, it can be a fight to spend any of it on help. It took awhile, but I realized it was up to me to change my situation. Best of luck.
My main concern is that it is starting to take a toll on your marriage. Does your husband need a break from your mother? Or does he need to see it taking less a toll on you and your mood? If it is affecting your marriage, you have to consider your spouse and discuss what may be the best thing for your mother. Since the sister doesn't visit, your mother may be happier in a senior community where she could have company about. You know your mother, so know what she would like. IMO, your marriage should come first. There are other options for places for your mother.
"it's beginning to take its toll especially with my marriage"
What is taking the toll? Your resentment and frustration with your sister, or all the time and attention you must spend on your mother?
Both have solutions, but not the same solution, perhaps.
As others have said, forget about your sister in relation to caring for your mother. You can only control your own behavior. You decided to have Mom live with you. But letting go of the resentment of your sister may not be a do-it-yourself project. Try. If you have a spiritual leader, talk it over with him or her. And certainly consider counseling. You deserve to be free of this anxiety and resentment. A therapist can help you with that.
Joining a support group for caregivers could be very helpful, too. AgingCare is kind of an online support group. I hope you find it useful. But try to find a local group, too.
Others have suggested solutions to spending so much time on caregiving. Use Mom's money to hire help. Start with with mundane housework that anyone can do -- get someone to vacuum and dust and do the laundry, etc. This frees up some of your time and energy. Then hire the appropriate level of help for Mom. She has mobility issues. I think it will be much easier to find suitable help than if she had dementia, for example.
Also consider adult day health programs. (Adult day care.) She could sign up for one day a week or as many as she likes. She can interact with other adults, participate in many activities (or not, her choice), and have a good hot lunch. Some programs have additional services. The one my husband attended could provide a shower, and they had a podiatrist come in periodically for those who needed the toenails trimmed! Most programs have a bus or van that picks people up and returns them to their homes. And, of course, this gives you some valuable respite time.
These things cost money. What is Mom's financial status? If necessary, apply for Medicaid.
If you try some counseling and you hire some help and this situation is still taking a toll on your marriage, then maybe the solution is for Mom to live somewhere else, probably an Assisted Living Facility.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You wouldn't want a person who would go into sheer panic if a parent fell down, and not able to think correctly on what to do next.
Everyone has something that they are really good at. Is sister good with finances, then have her do Mom's bill paying and checkbook balancing. What about grocery shopping? What about doing meals? It doesn't all need to be hands-on care with the parent. But every little bit does help.
What is taking the toll? Your resentment and frustration with your sister, or all the time and attention you must spend on your mother?
Both have solutions, but not the same solution, perhaps.
As others have said, forget about your sister in relation to caring for your mother. You can only control your own behavior. You decided to have Mom live with you. But letting go of the resentment of your sister may not be a do-it-yourself project. Try. If you have a spiritual leader, talk it over with him or her. And certainly consider counseling. You deserve to be free of this anxiety and resentment. A therapist can help you with that.
Joining a support group for caregivers could be very helpful, too. AgingCare is kind of an online support group. I hope you find it useful. But try to find a local group, too.
Others have suggested solutions to spending so much time on caregiving. Use Mom's money to hire help. Start with with mundane housework that anyone can do -- get someone to vacuum and dust and do the laundry, etc. This frees up some of your time and energy. Then hire the appropriate level of help for Mom. She has mobility issues. I think it will be much easier to find suitable help than if she had dementia, for example.
Also consider adult day health programs. (Adult day care.) She could sign up for one day a week or as many as she likes. She can interact with other adults, participate in many activities (or not, her choice), and have a good hot lunch. Some programs have additional services. The one my husband attended could provide a shower, and they had a podiatrist come in periodically for those who needed the toenails trimmed! Most programs have a bus or van that picks people up and returns them to their homes. And, of course, this gives you some valuable respite time.
These things cost money. What is Mom's financial status? If necessary, apply for Medicaid.
If you try some counseling and you hire some help and this situation is still taking a toll on your marriage, then maybe the solution is for Mom to live somewhere else, probably an Assisted Living Facility.