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Dad has an assessment to go to a new care facility and they have asked me to be there and dad wants me there. But it's during my work hours and I'm just starting a new job.


Mom has upcoming doctor appointments. Shes gone by herself before, but then I found out she wasn't telling me the truth about what the doctor said.


I go with dad to his appointments because he has onset of Lewy Body Dementia and can't remember what the doctor tells him.


How do I make this work when I have to work Monday thru Friday 9 to 6? I also work 20 minutes out of town so I can't make an appointment for during my lunch hour. I'm am only child, we moved here a year ago to take care of mom and dad now in care facilities so we don't really know anyone, and husband doesn't drive due to health reasons. He can take Uber but he doesn't remember or write down important details of visit.

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Any other family member or friend that can taxi them around? Possibly with pay?
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Pstracy Aug 2019
Like I said in my post, we so not have family here nor anyone that we could ask this of, as we really don't know anyone here.
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You may have to give up perfection for certain, because the problems are only going to get worse in this, not better. You are dealing with two elders. You will have to share with someone, or you will not always be able to be there, and that will make it more difficult for certain. There is no way to be the primary one responsible for two elders and work 24/7 imho. Let your husband take Uber and let him write down things for you as well as you are able. Then make a call to the doctors for any questions you have. As far as the job goes, the decision whether to own up to things before being hired is always so dicey. Many people have children with special needs. Do they admit that going in, or not? One way is honest, but it may also get the job taken from you and given to the next candidate in line. For me, I think there is no really good answer to this one. Things have to "give" a bit elastically all along the line. Your husband needs to have this discussed with him. Ask permission for a recorder to be there so he can get details for you. You are not going to be able to monitor everything that goes on with your parents. It IS a huge job on its own. IF you find yourself having to take too much time from work, then go in and be honest with them, just where it stands with your parents. Let them know there will be times you need to be gone for several hours, that you will make up the time in excellent work and loyalty and hope for the best. Honest, though, ultimately, given it takes at least 3 hours for any appointment minimally these days, I don't see how you will be able to do it all, and something will have to give. Either the number of hours you work, or someone else taking your parents.
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If you don't ask you don't get - I'd ask the care facility if they can do this assessment on the nearest Saturday to the appointment they've proposed. If not, then it can't be helped and we'll have to think of something else, but you might as well give it a try.
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What is your employers policy on medical appointments?

You need to decide which appointments you must attend and which it might be nice to attend.

When you take Dad for the facility tour, ask them about rides to appointments. It should be part of what they do.

You need to hire someone to take Mum to her appointments. Send a note along ahead of the appointment so the doctor knows what is what. You could ask permission to audio record the appointments.

Back in my 20’s I drove a single Mum’s daughter to her orthodontist monthly. The Mum was a school teacher and could not take time off. I drove another child to preschool once a week. I was just a neighbour, but some agencies may offer this service too.
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Consider phoning into mom's doctor appointments. Or doing a phone consult or email with the doctor before the after the appointment.

You might look into hiring a Geriatric Care manager in the short term to manage this.
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Pstracy Aug 2019
Thanks, I have just recently heard of Geriatric Care Managers. This might be a consideration.
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This is going to be hard. You are going to be asked why u didn't bring this up in your interview. The last place I worked, 16 yrs ago, you couldn't take anymore time off then allowed for vacation and personal time. I found at that time and now that companies aren't sympathetic to you taking time off. Really, they hired you to do a job, they have a right to expect you to be there. Especially, since you are on a learning curve.

You can ask, but don't be surprised if they aren't happy about it.
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Shane1124 Aug 2019
Agree with JoAnn. Employers may honor the previously scheduled new employee’s that were discussed at the interview (like a family wedding, etc) but it’s not likeley to go further than that.

Even at my current job where my team (24 nurses) we have to request PTO and hope we get it. If the request overlaps or more than 2 of us ask for the same time off, the rest of us just move forward and change our dates.

Its not going to look good for you taking that time off unless you have discussed it at the interview.

Yes employers are more aware of the emotional needs of their employees, but they are in business after all, and if you have a small office where it is expected you are there and ready to work, whether your employer is “good” or not, your absence will affect the rest of your team.

Bottom line: Usually there is an evaluation after 90 days when the employer can let you go without any valid reason or simply stating that what they have seen re your performance is that you aren’t progressing as you should after 90 days. It may be more difficult to fire you if you pass your 90 day evaluation, but attendance at work is a solid basis for employee performance evaluation & termination.

This is your life and you have to begin to live it. Your parents are being cared for. It’s time you take care of you.

Set some boundaries with your parents. Join patient portals associated with your and your parents’ medical groups. Make sure you are listed for HIPPA info. But honestly it is unrealistic you will allowed to be a
on a flex schedule or given any additional consideration that isn’t given to another employee. It wouldn’t be fair no matter what.

Prioritize one or the other and keep your balance between both. You have to work to cover your own insurance & pay into SS for yourself. Work to find the work/personal balance between taking care of your parents (who are receiving 24/7 care). They have lived their lives and careers. Now it’s your turn. You can’t be all things to all people all the time. Shift priorities to you and your future needs. Your parents will have to understand this as well.

Another fact: you are replaceable. Realize this. If you want this job you will more than likely need to choose between the job or your parents doctor appts.

Your manager also also has a manager who is scrutinizing them - their use of payroll hours, staff coverage, employee productivity. It’s still a business. Bottom line. I’ve been on both sides; managed a hemodialysis clinic for 15 yrs. No matter how much I liked someone, bottom line managers must be objective and be consistent in managing employees. If no one else gets that perk, neither should you.

FMLA is usually not a benefit offered until you’ve worked at least one year, and if the business has less than 50 employees they aren’t required to offer it.

If possible let your employer know about this upcoming appt that you must keep and going forward make every effort not to have to leave work intermittently during the day.

I wish you good luck. I hope you enjoy your new position. Remember it’s your time to work for your future.
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I'm both an only child and an employer with 6 employees. In my state it is none of the employer's business and I can't ask many personal questions in an interview. But a small business needs to be profitable so that everyone benefits. I think you will burn through your PTO in no time, especially since you just started and you may not have or cannot yet take any time off. I can totally live with being told, "I have a critical appointment this week and I must be present." As an employer I can plan around that. But your situation is going to be unending and unpredictable and I'd be very sorry for your problems but also very sorry I hired you. The other employees who cover for you will only have good will for your situation for so long, as it will stress them out, too, and it's unfair. Even if you took unpaid time off, if a business bills on an hourly rate the less hours you work, the less money everyone makes. There's no getting around that fact.

With 3 compromised people you are way over your head and it's only going to get more intense. Can your parents hire a part-time companion from a service like Visiting Angels who can shuttle them around and take notes at appointments?

Side note: why do facilities disrespect working people by insisting on scheduling care conferences and appointments in the middle of work weeks? Right in the middle of the day? Why not evenings and weekends?

Wishing you success.
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Pstracy Aug 2019
Yes I think providers who have to deal with us working adult children are going to have to start offering appointments during times other than weekdays 9-5. I had to meet with an insurance agent who was wonderful at helping me get through all the medicare mumbo jumbo and she actually has availability after 5 pm and on Saturdays. I have referred her to several people on similar situations with elderly parents.
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One option is to hire someone to take them to appointments and to take notes, let the doctors know that you want this person there. If this is a CNA there shouldn't be any difficulty with medical terminology or modesty (although they wouldn't need to be present for any physical exams). I would also be in contact with their doctors and ask for a summary of the visit - they have notes on file anyway and is should be a simple matter to copy them. Some practices also have a patient portal available so you can check results online.
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You say your folks are in care facilities...........most of which have doctors coming in to see the residents on a regular basis. That is a LIFE SAVER! Check with the facility to see if that service is provided and then sign them up right away. The doc or the PA calls me directly right after an appointment with my mother to tell me what REALLY took place, what meds she's been put on, etc. I can also tell her the truth with mother's symptoms since she lies like a rug. Since your dad has an assessment appointment at a new place, that's a different situation which you'll need to be there for. I guess you'll need to tell your new employer the truth and ask for the time off. With any luck at all, your boss will be sympathetic to the whole situation as many people are. To be honest, I find caring for my mother to be practically a full time job and that's with her being in a memory care facility. I'm trying to find a part time job right now because I don't see how I could possibly swing full time AND caring for her both.

Best of luck!
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As an employer I am always more understanding when people are forthcoming. You need to make a list of the appointments that you need to be present at and speak with your employer.

I would ask during this conversation what would be the best case scenario for future appointments that you need to attend to, ie are Tuesday afternoons better for the company then say Friday mornings. Let them tell you what is best. Then reschedule appointments that are at the worse possible times.

I would not start telling them what the law says they have to do, because they will find a way to fire you before you have an opportunity to become a legal problem for them. I don't care how nice they are, any employee that talks like they will sue will be replaced, it is to expensive to litigate employee issues and who wants someone to bring that to work.

As Tacy said, be a stellar employee and they will want to work with you. The more valuable you are the more you are valued.

But tell them asap and apologize for not bringing it up in the interview.

I hope that you can juggle everything on your plate, you may have to be creative and flexible, but I think it is great that you are going back to work. I believe that we all feel healthier and more balanced when we are productive.
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Apologise for the short notice, explain the situation and request a half day (or whatever) off unpaid. Hopefully this will not be a regular situation once you are able to get things settled. If you knew it was going to arise on a regular basis before taking the job it would have been advisable to discuss this at interview, but if just a one off which has arisen then be as apologetic as possible and honest to your employer.
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Talk to you employer and see if they have flex time or speak with the care facility and see if they can have someone accommodate them and set up dial a ride for there appointments.
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First, see if you can get FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) from your doctor or their doctor(s) so you are protected on the job. This means you will not lose your job for missing so much time. Next, hire a Patient Advocate to take your parents to their doctors' appointment. They are trained in the field of healthcare navigation and will not only keep notes on your parent's medical visit but will ask all the right questions, partnering with the physicians so the number of appointments are drastically reduced. It may be a good idea to call and interview several independent Patient Advocates so you know what they do and how they can reduce your stress.
In the long run, a good Patient Advocate will help you prepare to navigate the stormy waters ahead.
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Shane1124 Aug 2019
Most jobs require that the employee work one year to be eligible for FMLA (if it is offered). It’s a new job for her.
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Just tell your employer that pn random you have to take your dad to appointment because you care for him. He will appreciate your honesty and the truth. Good luck
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Phone or Skype or FaceTime in. Also, Gereayric Case Manager, or ask the place they live suger f there is someone that works their if you can pay them to go. Actually, that is the best thing because the caregiver knows their habits and issues best now. I used to work at a facility and we offered this paid service to the residents. Ask.
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Pstracy Aug 2019
Thank you for the suggestion of a asking / paying a caregiver from their facility. They definitely would be familiar with each parent. I can think of a few caregivers to ask.
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Providing a solution to the employer along with the request for the time off would hopefully be appreciated. Agreeing to make up the time at the beginning or end of a work day so no time is actually lost. During an interview not everyone is focused on personal life. You are answering questions and learning of job duties/company goals, plus possibly nervous, etc... Agree that mentioning the situation and willingness to make up the time will show the employer that you are avoiding the loss of work time. I find many people can be understanding of care taking for parents as most companies deal with employees with sick children. Does anyone say during an interview I have children and if they get sick I have to take them to the doc or stay home....it's usually understood this is the case. Arranging for others to assist in these appointments can be more stress and frustration. For me, I'd rather be present. Fingers crossed for an understanding and flexible employer. If not, then option is to seek another.
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Definitely start with an honest and candid discussion about what you are going through, as it is going to require some of your potential work hours.
There are many ways to deal with this, and the solution will depend on what your job is.
Can you work on Saturday or Sunday, and switch out one of the weekdays so that you are both available to your parent and working a full work week?
Can you take 4 hours (1/2 day) OFF weekly, and make up that time at home?

Can you start this job with a shorter work week while you are getting your parents settled?

And I agree with another answer, you should be able to hire a competent sitter who would be able to accompany your parents to appointments and bring you back a full report.

Every single person you know (including your boss!) has a family and every family has situations, be it an elderly parent with dementia, an adult with mental health issues, a child with disabilities-- I don't think too many of us live in a perfect Leave It To Beaver world where everyone is gosh darn healthy.

Good luck. I hope you find the right solution!
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I hired a private nurse to meet mom at appointments to take down critical information. I live in New Orleans while mom lives in AL in Indiana. She (nurse) has been a LIFESAVER, especially when mom has gone in the hospital. She can get there while I arrange to fly in if it’s serious. I do try to lump a bunch of doc appts in the same afternoon/day so if I do take her to appts, they are together. Perhaps that would help and you could use vacation time in 1/2 day increments to knock out several at a time?
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Hi Pstracy.  I can relate to your work vs parent appointment conflicts.  I am very lucky and am able to work from home 3 days per week and also am only juggling my Mom's care.  You are dealing with so much more right now and I'm sorry for that.  My suggestion would be initially enlist the help of your husband to Uber your parents to appointments. Maybe he can record the appointment or you can ask the Dr to send you his report to follow or you could take your lunch hour during the appt time and call in for a conference call or Skype?  I would try this while you get to know your employer.  You might be surprised at their willingness to work with you and be understanding while caring for your folks.  My employer has dealt with the same issue with aging parents.  Both my immediate supervisor and his supervisor as they cared for their parents with dementia.  This is a growing issue as children try to care for their aging folks and will not be going away anytime soon or ever.  Give them the opportunity to get to know you as a hard dedicated worker and in the process, they will get to know you as a wonderful caring person and daughter.  Maybe the facility appointment with your Dad I would go to but others, could you do this with Uber and your husband for at least the short term?  I hope something I've said is helpful. One day at a time...  Best wishes to you, your husband, and your parents.
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With dad's appointment coming up, I would have delayed the start date. The employer has made arrangements for your training, you must figure out something so that you can be there. Training must be consistent to be effective. And you may not be the only one.

They are in a facility now,.do they provide transportation for appointments?

The geriatric care manager will be very helpful to you, especially through the first.year with this new employer.
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I would be upfront with your new company. It is no different than if you had to take a child to a doctor appointment. I am in the same position except I have siblings who don't help out. Be honest and in the future try to make their appointments either first thing in the morning or the last one they have at night. Good luck!!
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You need your job, and your parents’ care is not going to be a “one time” appointment. Caregiving is often an endless string of appointments, lab work, and consultations. Do yourself a favor and get in contact with a home care agency. You can send the caregiver to the appointments. Some agencies allow their caregivers to drive patients, others allow them to accompany patients in an Uber.
This isn’t an overnight process, especially if you need just a few hours a week. You will need to meet with the agency to complete a care plan, then they will typically send a nurse to do a safety inspection on the residence. tell them the level of care you need. If it’s just for chaperoning a doctor appointment now, you might find that later on you will need more services. It’s a good idea to get started enlisting help! Best wishes
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Beaglebabe Aug 2019
This is what I have to do. I’m a school counselor and am subject to strict attendance rules. My mom has a caregiver who takes her to the appointment and sits in to listen to the doctor. Sometimes I can request to be on speaker phone with the doctor too.
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Pstracy
Have you tried your local church if you attain.Maybe someone there could help. I would also talk to the facility that you plan on sending your dad to and ask what recommendation they might suggest. They might know of an organization in your area that could help. I understand your problem for I am also starting a new job and I take care of my mother.It is difficult. From what I have read all the suggestion are very good. Pick one of them and get started. If it is not what you can do choose another. Where there is a will there is a way.
Many blessing to you and your family
t
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I should have clarified in my previous post... I’m a teacher, so there’s no way possible to move my schedule around. If your job is flexible, maybe you could take a few hours at a time or work from home. I always forget that not all jobs are like mine.
I get three personal days, and two sick days before my employer starts with “writing up” teachers for excessive absences. The stress of having to meet with union representation in the principals office is not worth the rest I might get from a day off..... so I go in sick. (True story: My doc called me at 9am at work on the last day before Xmas break to tell me I tested positive for type B influenza... and I told my school secretary, so I got sent home at 10 when they found coverage and charged me for the entire day off as a sick day!!!)
so, I’d check on your employer’s policies about leave. In my case, it’s best if the boss doesn’t know that there’s any issue with attendance. Otherwise, there is a big red target on your back, and because the policies are so strict and so final, it doesn’t matter what the reason is. When my dad had a stroke while picking up my mother from a week-long hospital stay, my mother called me at 2:20pm frantic. They lived 120 miles from me. I called the office, in tears, and explained the emergency. Guess what? “There’s no one to cover your room” I had to wait until 3:10 pm and dismiss my class, seeing all the parents after I was crying... not knowing if my dad was still alive! (And I had 30 6-year old students, so I couldn’t take a moment to process the news or stay on the phone with my mom)
i hope your employer is easier to talk to. If not, seriously consider hiring help, or the stress from having to juggle appointments after work will take its toll!
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TaylorUK Aug 2019
The majority of employers are perfectly capable of knowing if someone is "pulling a sickie" rather than being honest. It may be inconvenient to follow the rules, but rest assured I have dismissed people for clearly fake sickness and absence patterns - it is grossly unfair on those one works with, apart from being dishonest -
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Employers and employees are both facing a dilemma in caring for aging parents.  A high percentage of employees will face these decisions in whether they will need to leave their employment, take a step down in duties (along with a cut in pay), having their health decline with stress, along with many other possible consequences.  Many employers are including in the employees EAP hiring a care manager to alleviate the stress of employee and employer, which is really a health care concern.  A care manager is trained to navigate issues such as these and find the best possible solution.   It saves the employer from employees either taking off work or having to handle a crisis while at work.  It saves the employee from a high level of stress and helping prevent financial disaster.  These are decisions that face our society in the present.  You might look at Aging Life Care Association (ALCA) and see what is offered as a possible solution.
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Luckily my dad has good funds and we are able to hire a care manager to manage all of his appointments. She attends some of them and has a caregiver attend others (at much lower cost). I only attend those appointments I feel necessary, such as when we start with a new doctor.
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Would you be able to hire a patient advocate who attends doctors appointments, and then you could act as a coordinator for your folks. Not being there may seem like you are failing them, but you are not, it is just caregiver guilt, don't let it consume you....if you have a representative who takes your place you can still be providing them with the help they need and give yourself peace of mind. This will mean that you need their permission and getting it from your father will be easier now, more so than later. It might be that your employer will be understanding and you may want to only go on a few appointments and send your hired hand to go in your stead alternating. Dementia is going to be a tough one once your father progresses and these cases often are going to in fact require full time care. As again when it comes to that, if it comes to that...let us pray not...that your new job will still be a job that requires your daily attendance, thus, you will need to sleep at night to be able to keep your job, you will also need someone to care for your father in the day time while you work. I would research day programs, where they have activities for seniors with disabilities, giving your mother a break during a few days a week and then also ensure your employer that you have it all under control with appointments, and future care needs, being transparent with them should they begin to wonder why they hired you...you will show them, they did the right thing...you will have had a plan in place to handle these upcoming appointments and more! All the best, hope this helps. Someone else posted about a church organization being able to help out, as opposed to a patient advocate, it might be cheaper to go that route. Good luck.
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I certainly sympathize with what you are going through my Mom recently was diagnosed with dementia and placed in a facility. I’m an only child with just my two sons living in California with my mom most of our family is spread across
the east coast.
I have a stressful career where not a lot of downtime. When started noticing issues with mom spoke with my immediate superior to let her know situation and I may need to take time off to get mom to appointments on short notice.
I have tried to schedule time off either early morning or late afternoon. My younger son a college student has also stepped in when his schedule allows to help with grandmother’s appointments. Now that mom is in a facility her caretaker will be helping us with mom’s appointments.

You mentioned being new on the job even if don’t qualify for Family Leave protection have you tried speaking to an HR representative for guidance? Or maybe union representation?
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PStracy, I agree with the other posters about being up front with your employer. If you decide to stay with your job, you’ll need to work out with your employer when would be a feasible time to take off half a day to take your parent to the doctor and offer to make up the work time by either adding an hour a day to your normal work day or maybe working a modified schedule. You then will have to coordinate doc appointments and your parent may not get their issues addressed as quickly as possible, but you’ll be able to be there for non emergency visits. Another option is to hire someone to chaperone your parent on appointment days. Visiting Angels is an agency that you might check out. They have minimums of using them weekly but you could hire them to be a companion to your parent while at the facility too which would also give you another person on your team to keep you abreast of what’s happening. You’re in a difficult situation and one many of us have experienced. Depending on what your job is, the problem solving solutions will need to revolve around a variety of factors. For me, I ended up working part time and gave up my career. ( don’t recommend that as it’s cost me a lot in many ways) It was just too difficult trying to juggle appointments for two parents who were still living at home. Once they were in a facility, it was easier to have as many things addressed by their in house staff as possible. I think it’s called home health care that is part of Medicare. You have a nurse that comes in weekly to check on your parent. You can shop around for different companies as all are not equal. Facilities usually have a company they work with, but if you don’t like the one they use, you can use one of your choice. Good luck to you as you get through this stage of change in your life.
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For similar reasons, all the doctor and facilities have a form to be filled out, signed by your parent(s), giving you the right to get the information of what gets said. We did that for my mother when she was diagnosed for dementia, and my wife and I do it for each other. I have it on file with Medicare, our clinics, my VA appointments.

You can also limit what sort of information gets passed on to you. By having that permission, in writing, you can even get the information over the telephone.

Robert
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