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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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I helped care for MIL. She was more like a mom than MIL. She was an angel and I miss her terribly.
I realize not everyone has good inlaws. Then it could be terribly frustrating. Do you want to share more? Might be able to answer better with more details. Best of luck to you. Hugs!
My husband and I had his father living with us for his last 14 months. Before he came we discussed division of labor. Husb did all personal care (helping him dress etc and anything bathroom related helped him get to and from the table) and I did support care (laundry and food prep). We both worked full time and had a caregiver come through the middle of the day who took care of lunch and baths. I can't imagine it if we hadn't worked as a team.
I retired from my job 4 years ago to stay at home with my mom who has lived with us since my dad died 17 years ago. She is in moderate stage of Alzheimer now. I am lucky to have such a wonderful spouse that supports us financially as well as many other ways. But this 24 hours of care is So Emotionally and Physically draining. My mother and I were always very close, she was my best friend. Now I can barely look at her some days. I take good care of her but the relationship has drastically changed, My mom, as she was, is gone and I miss her very much. I feel very alone and overwhelmed more than not. But at the same time there is No Way I could put her in a home. We watched my aunt die in one and my grandfather and I promised her I would never let that happen to her. What helps me through are some real good crying sessions, the love of my husband, son and a few good close friends And This Forum. This is the first time I have posted anything. Reading the forums and knowing that I am not alone has truly kept me going. It doesn't really get easier but I know in my heart that if I put her in a home I would feel worse and so would she. I do feel very lucky a lot of times when I read some of the things here that other people have to go through that I do not. And I don't feel as alone either. My heart goes out to you and everyone else out there dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer or Dementia. I do believe we are better people for it even though sometimes I do not feel very good about myself. We just gotta keep whatever joy we can get out of everyday close. Good Luck
Although I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mother (and have no spouse to help either), we moved our mother to MC when it was needed (she lived alone prior to that.) Physically I could not care for her myself (brothers would be clueless) and she would not be able to manage the stairs here, nor the current "clutter" due to renovations needed.
Kudos to you for honoring your promise. It certainly isn't easy, sometimes harder than finding a good place. Hopefully you take some time off, even just a night out or a day trip now and then, to unwind and enjoy some time with hubby! You DO need to consider your own care as well!
It is GREAT that your spouse supports you in every way that he can... unlike another poster who is fed up with his wife and keeps insisting they place her mother in AL and "enjoy" their retirement. Not all ALs are alike and some can be dangerous too. I suspect the wife in that case feels like you do - great former relationship and fears what might happen if they move her (she lives in the house next door, not in their house.) There are many factors to consider in each case.
My sister who lives closer to my dad, is now his caregiver. She did at times find him difficult but with ironing out a few wrinkles My Mom left behind....He is more Kind.
I was to my mother in law. I had no legal right to be in charge of her but was the one who walked the paperwork through to get her SSI. I was also the one who got her into AL and the finally into a nursing home. Both places allowed me to sign paperwork and authorized everything that needed to be done. All without power of attorney. Her case worker also allowed me to sign everything. I didn't have POA and her son, my husband, wasn't even involved yet he could have been doing all that. I loved my mother in law and didn't mind one bit but still found it amazing that I was allowed to do what I did. Her son and I divorced and he died five months later. (she never knew). Then she passed away. Her daughter wasn't taking calls from me (she lived in another state) because she was scared I'd try to move her mother in with her. I had to tell her via e-mail her mother had passed. I wouldn't change my time with my MIL for anything but then I never had to deal with her as she lost her mind. Instead she was in a safe place just down the road where I could see her several times a day if I wanted to. Since I was her only visitor the nursing home staff just assumed I was her daughter.
While you take care of her, she is not independent at all.
Just saying, because I think a lot of stress is placed on children because their parents demand independence, while sucking our life force to take care of them. It's a lie I personally won't play into. Make believe games should be reserved for the very young only.
This can be very overwhelming on anyone! It can also be frustrating at times as well. I think too many people view IL/AL Communities as a place they’re dropping of their loved one because they don’t want to deal with it themselves. When I’m fact, these communities can be a second chance for our loved ones- a place they can connect with others who understand what they’re going through & share what they’ve went through. It’s in a way a support group that also provides the level of care tailored to each residents individual needs, while they still have their own space/apartment which still gives them that independent freedom of having their own place. With also giving them the relief from yard work, housecleaning, paying utilities, cooking-all the worry and stress of being on their own...with a group of potential new friends and lots of options for socializing, trips, activities but still all with a sense of feeling safe. This also gives the relationships with loved ones a relief-because now when you get together, it’s to visit and just spend time with one another-not worrying about taking care of everything for them. My suggestion to anyone who wants to continue to care for their lives one themselves, is to at the very least do respite stays for their loved one in an AL/IL Community so that everyone gets a break to refresh and it’s also a great way to test the waters of how someone might do in an IL/AL Community. Most places offer anywhere from as short as a 2 day stay, up to a 2 month stay in totally furnished apartment, with meals, medication, all activities happening in the community, as well as what ever level of care they need provided. This way the care giver gets a moment to refresh/reset and take a little me time or family vacation without the stress and worry. The biggest mistake caregivers make is not taking care of themselves!
Well put. Care does not have to be hands-on. It is common to become overly invested in preserving a loved one’s “independence”...... when that so-called independence is actually a total dependence on one person or one household. Caregivers need to leave something in the tank for spouse, children, career and self-care. A community for the elder can create the opportunity to rebalance family roles.
I was primary care giver to my in laws. She had Alzheimers he had Lewy body dementia. What was hard was in Sibling in laws lived across the country. And took at face value any thing their parents said. "Kaede is being mean to us, she won't let me buy the shoes I want." Well yes, you don't have any money for shoes right now. Anyway 4 inch Ferragamo heels at 800.00 bucks aren't a good option for you. Or "Kaede is stealing our money". Uh, no, you put your wallet in the freezer and it took me a while to find it. Or "Kaede won't let me walk her dog". You bet your sweet bippy I won't. Oz is a 250 lb, 36 in at the shoulder St Bernard. You can go on a walk with me and Oz, but you aren't going anywhere with Oz by yourself. The sibs took the complaints VERY seriously. I would get phone calls every evening about the "theft" the "refusing" to let them spend money the way they wanted, etc. At the same time as this was going on I had 4 children at home, youngest was 6 the eldest 15. I did this for two years. Until my in laws couldn't be left alone by them selves at ALL. I then told my sib in laws that I was either going to have to put my in laws in a memory care unit or they would have to come get them. After they moved my in laws to to their state, in 6 months they were in a MC unit. Lots of the anger is still unresolved. They wanted me to take "better care" of their parents, I wanted some support.
No good deed goes unpunished, eh? Your anger is justified. I see no need to resolve it.
Compartmentalize the anger, yes. Take care to not let the anger affect your marriage, yes.
Resolve......who gives a sh*t? Your sibs-in-law sure don’t.
It took a lot of nerve - and even more disrespect - for your sibs-in-law to not believe you. Screw them.
If there’s a silver lining, you & hubby now know (in advance) how useless that crew will be if you or he ever need assistance or support in the future.
Trust me, knowing who NOT to call is a blessing. It cuts out a lot of wasted time and disappointment.
My hubby and I are primary care takers for my MIL and FIL. She has quickly advancing Alzheimer’s and he has dementia. We recently had to separate them and put her in memory care, while he stays in AL. Fortunately for us the place they are in has both, and he can still go visit her daily. I do most of the legwork, planning, scheduling, and he does the hands on interaction with them, as they take it better from their son. It is exhausting, and has even hurt my husband professionally because of the amount of times he’s had to leave work to take care of things. My BIL lives in another state, but he handles their finances. When it became clear 2 years ago that they could not handle it, and we were going to have to add that, I talked to my husband, BIL and SIL and we all agreed that with online bill pay, that could be done remotely.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I realize not everyone has good inlaws. Then it could be terribly frustrating. Do you want to share more? Might be able to answer better with more details. Best of luck to you. Hugs!
Kudos to you for honoring your promise. It certainly isn't easy, sometimes harder than finding a good place. Hopefully you take some time off, even just a night out or a day trip now and then, to unwind and enjoy some time with hubby! You DO need to consider your own care as well!
It is GREAT that your spouse supports you in every way that he can... unlike another poster who is fed up with his wife and keeps insisting they place her mother in AL and "enjoy" their retirement. Not all ALs are alike and some can be dangerous too. I suspect the wife in that case feels like you do - great former relationship and fears what might happen if they move her (she lives in the house next door, not in their house.) There are many factors to consider in each case.
While you take care of her, she is not independent at all.
Just saying, because I think a lot of stress is placed on children because their parents demand independence, while sucking our life force to take care of them. It's a lie I personally won't play into. Make believe games should be reserved for the very young only.
Compartmentalize the anger, yes. Take care to not let the anger affect your marriage, yes.
Resolve......who gives a sh*t? Your sibs-in-law sure don’t.
It took a lot of nerve - and even more disrespect - for your sibs-in-law to not believe you. Screw them.
If there’s a silver lining, you & hubby now know (in advance) how useless that crew will be if you or he ever need assistance or support in the future.
Trust me, knowing who NOT to call is a blessing. It cuts out a lot of wasted time and disappointment.
((((hugs)))) 🧡