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I've been taking care of my 81yr old father for years now. After a massive heart attack, accompanied with Diabetes and prostate Cancer he doesn't care to live or eat in a way that's conducive to life. He is so ungrateful. He's always lived a life of selfishness. He was an abusive husband. He has 100 kids which he's abandoned all. Im the only one who will care for him. Growing up he always put me down and wasn't around much. It's like caring for a child who's always defiant. I can't even expect him to drink water in a day without monitoring him. He lives with my family, my daughter and my husband. Currently, I'm pregnant and feel completely overwhelmed and miserable. I can't put my pregnancy or family first. He has no real retirement money so any assisted living facility will be just above poor. Im trying to care for someone who makes it so difficult when he refuses to do the required minimum. He'd be happy if he could smoke weed, eat greasy food and not be told what to do. But if I put him in a facility I feel he will be dead in a year. I feel completely burdened and I don't know what's the "right" thing to do.

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They can certainly paint their caring child into a corner. What do we do when there is no where else for them to go but they're making life miserable? I don't think there is an answer except to decide who is most important -- your father or your family (including yourself). If you choose your family, help your father find subsidized housing that he can afford on his SS check. A lot of older people do that, so he should be able to. Look around at the senior apartments and find if anyone works with the government to subsidize. Contact your local HUD and explain to them you're looking for housing for your father. They may know of some things. Good luck!
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Sad, ask yourself why you are doing this.

When you are a parent, your child HAS to come first. Next come your own and your spouse's needs.

Your parent is an adult. Most of us had parents who cared for and nurtured us. I never felt as though it was my obligation to provide a home for, or to provide hand's on care for my parents. The obligation to provide care does not work that way, in my opinion.

Why do you think he'd be dead if he resided elsewhere?
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Dear Sadsmile,

I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I know its hard when there is no validation and acknowledgement for your efforts. Dads can be tough.

Please know there are always options. When we start using words like miserable its time to make a change. Talk to social worker. Talk to the town office. There has to be options for your dad. I know no one wants to move to an assisted living or a nursing home. Given his age he could be struggling with dementia as well or side effects of his medications, so maybe that is why he is not cooperative. Try talking to him and see if there is any willingness to change. And if not, do what you have to for yourself and your young family. Don't be like me and let the anger and resentment overwhelm you and in the end affect your ability to continue to advocate for your dad.

Thinking of you and hope you can find a better option.
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Not your fault he did not plan ahead for his own care. Your family comes before him so in my opinion you need to put him out. Place him in a state run facility if none of the rest of the family will help. Most of us do not want to be a burden on our children and it sounds like he is continuing his selfish ways because you let him get away with it, so get him out. Don't feel guilty about it either.
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I truely understand & have been there. I eventually had to let my mom have her way. I had to leave her and care for myself who is physically sick as well. It does not get better, but worst for those that have to care for the Love one. You have to ask if you have the means to help w/o it affecting your health.
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My mother in law was able to get SSI which paid for assisted living. I used Council on Aging for help and they told me what was available. I loved my mother in law but having to work meant leaving her home alone which just wasn't working. Don't let him guilt you into putting up with caring for him. You need to put yourself first right now.
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No, if you place him, I'd bet he won't be dead in a year. I visit my mom in her NH daily, and when walking around there, I've noticed that the men residents there seem to get plenty of attention and that they enjoy each other's company, maybe even more so than the women.  This NH has one outside patio where they go to smoke and play cards.  Some of these guys roll their own cigarettes out there.  I get the feeling if somebody wants a greasy cheeseburger, somebody would probably make him one.  Seriously, it would not surprise me if they manage to get something stronger now and again.  Place him and visit often. You'll never feel totally free from guilt, but you sure don't have to put up with his bad behavior.
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So sorry that this has been difficult for you. But you should know that the fact that
you are thinking about change, may mean it is time...I placed my FIL in AL 8 months ago.His health is not good, lots of medications and for the last eight months he has been on an even keel. The one thing that did change, is I visit and support him...I am
no longer on the spot 24/7 and subject to his bad moods or worries. My family did care for him for 7 years.. and moving him to another living situation, put me and my family first. I am no longer depressed and wanting to run away. Contact local senior
agencies and get help- and do not back down when he fight you and your family.
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I agree with those who present a tough love approach. You have been very generous, but with a baby on the way, I think it's time to retire as his caregiver and focus on the health and emotional well being of you and your family. You have done enough.
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Don't let him come first over your family. Put him in an assisted living or nursing home as soon as possible. It sounds like you don't owe him anything but you do owe your baby and family all of you.
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Try looking at it this way... (wavy lines across screen)

My friend is pregnant with her second child. She has a nice husband and a lovely young daughter, having built a good life for herself in the face of early challenges.

For some reason, a man who has never taken any responsibility for himself or for the many, many children he fathered over the years has moved into my friend's house. He continues to refuse to make any changes in his lifestyle that might improve his health, and even resents my friend's attempts to help him with this. He shows no appreciation of the hard work it requires to keep him housed, fed and out of hospital and even complains bitterly about the restrictions he feels are imposed on him - for example, no smoking illegal drugs or living on junk food.

My friend is exhausted and depressed with her efforts to help someone who absolutely refuses to help himself; but she feels she has no option but to continue to enable this man even though other living options might prove more effective in making him face up to the realities of his choices and their consequences. She feels that she owes him something, perhaps. Do you think she is right?
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Did you say he has 100 children???They all abandon him.what does that tell you?
I don't think he will ever become nice and listen to you.
Place him in a nursing him and if he wants to eat hamburgers and greasy food let him.
At least he will be happy doing what he wants in his last few years.
Why prolong the inevitable with misery.
Life should be enjoyed not prolonged to live in misery..
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I am new to this website. I am greatfull I found it beyond belief! When I read what you going through with your father my heart goes out to you.
I would place him in a care facility as hard as it may be. He has made choices and is making choices that are next to impossible to bare for you. Please take care of you, unborn child, your family. I know I sound cruel but he put himself in that position. Plus he is still ungrateful. Some people just have to live with their decisions they caused. You do not have to. May God bless you , your family and I pray your Father see what you are doing for him and he changes.
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You have a baby on the way...it’s a no brainer...Abusive parent goes to ALF
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Sadsmile, I'd put him in the assisted living facility and let him fend for himself. You're knocking yourself out and shorting yourself and your family while he couldn't care less. My dad was just like yours--I could have cut off my arms and legs for him while he'd tell me how rotten I am. He was a waste of space on this planet. Some people aren't truly human. It's not fair to yourself or your family to keep on as you are.
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Don't let him come first over your family. Put him in an assisted living or nursing home as soon as possible. It sounds like you don't owe him anything but you do owe your baby and family all of you.
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Hi. My experience with my mother is very similar. She lived with my husband and I for two years. It was not a good experience. The stress grew more and more. I could only get minimal help from my two brothers. Finally, due to depression and suicidal thoughts I realized I had done all I could do. My mother now lives back at her home. I go there twice a week. My older brother lives there but can "get away" because of his work. Mom still wants someone to take care of everything for her. I have had to set boundaries. She will never understand what she is doing to me. I will never understand how she can do this to her children. She is a mentally capable adult. She will never change.

My advice is to think about how the situation is affecting you. Some times you have to put yourself first. Good luck.
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Hi, Sadsmile, you are indeed in a difficult spot. The only way out of the difficult spot is to follow your heart and your gut instincts. There is no easy answer because he is your father and you want to do right by him, as you should. But doing right by him does not mean living in misery. Because he has all his mental capabilities, if talking to him and working things out does not work, then you have to do what is right for you and your family. My situation is different in that my mom has dementia and does not have the capability to live on her own or make any decisions. The difficult times are due to the dementia, not her.
It sounds like you have talked with your dad and were unable to get anywhere and make any positive changes with him. So, now you have to dig deep and do what is right for you and your family. Someone else mentioned contacting the office of the aging which is a good place to start. There are options available to your dad, it does take time to get anything done, but it's well worth the effort in the end. Good luck, sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember, it won't be easy, but do what you need to do and be kind to yourself in the process.
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you must take care of yourself, especially when you are expecting. I have taken care of my Mom for almost eight years and I am developing heart problems from this not to mention depression and utter helplessness. She too, thinks only of self and it is not going to make them a better person by destroying yourself. They will be the same person with you or without you. Let the system take care of him. You have done enough. I now have Home Health coming in to bathe my Mom. She would lower me to that place if she could but I refuse to let her own my soul completely. The therapists have left as she refuses to do anything like the dishes or pick up after herself or fix her own meals. So, I have a plan to exit soon and she will have to go into assisted living as none of my other six siblings want her. Sad but this is reality.
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You've gotten good (the SAME) advice and let me add mine, too.

Your father's problems are 100% of his own doing, aside from just aging. The MIA family? I would be too.

Even people on SSI can find housing. Get on your computer and start the search. Place him and walk away. If "guilt" gets to you--go visit him once in a while---but you put your own little family first and don't look back.
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If you place your father in any facility, he will be neglected in some form or another. If you love him, watch him like a hawk. Your state Medicade program has an I.H.O. ( In Home Opperations) waiver that will help pay for care providers to come into your home and help. I am currently in the process of getting my mother help at home. He must be on Medicade and eligable for nursing home placement. The govt. created programs to keep or loved ones at home instead of nursing homes (h*ll). GOD be with you and your family.
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sadsmile, if your father has not been declared incompetent you cannot put him in a facility without his consent. You can ask him to look for a different place to live, but if he refuses, you will have to start eviction procedures. I hope he is not smoking weed around you and your child. Don't feel bad about someone so inconsiderate as your father, I hardly thinks he cares how you feel.
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Your father is affecting the health of your unborn child. If you do not get him out, the damage may be permanent. Who is more important to you: your father or your baby?

If he refuses to leave and gets abusive, call 911. I doubt the police will leave an abuser around a pregnant woman. Let the authorities deal with him. Your father is an adult. He's also toxic, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life and look forward to bringing a healthy new baby into your family.
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I think a lot of people feel their families members will die in a facility because so many people say staying at home is best, that they become depressed etc. I believe its about how the one that's put in the home feels period. Some adjust, some like it better, more social, yet others withdraw and become depressed. You shouldn't be guilted about putting him in a home. Especially being pregnant, that's too much stress and you shouldn't be expected to do it any more. You gave it years. Whether it being worth it or not, that's something only you can answer. Good luck!
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Put him in a Medicaid approved facility and get on with your life.
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Your dad doesn't give a rat's a** about you, your unborn child or anyone else. What grabbed me the most was the 99 siblings you have. I would start the eviction process today because he needs to be out of your house and out of your life.
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He CANNOT and SHOULD not come first. He should have thought ahead for his care. He'll have to apply for Medicaid and live in an NH. Good grief-you're pregnant and you're trying to care for him?! Time to stop.
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Guilt, a kind heart and sacrifice! I think those are elements that most of us here on this site share. What a heavy package to carry!

In your case I've a feeling there is another side of guilt you're not considering, and that is how you would feel if -God forbids!- your pregnancy gets affected with the stress and constant misery you are living in. Or in the best case scenario the mere fact that you're not enjoying your pregnancy as every mother should and not having moments of peace with your baby.
How about the guilt of not being a good mother because you're devoting most of your energy and life to him.

Is that guilt easier to carry? I'm afraid it probably is worse. So, to me it becomes in a way a matter of choosing the lesser evil, and more than anything finding BALANCE.

Caregiving absorbs not only all of a person's time, it absorbs their everything!! And you have no longer the right to devote all of you to him, because now you're a mom, and that should naturally be your prime role.

That doesn't mean you should relegate him and his care, not at all! But realize it's time to assume the most important role in your life, a role that any loving parent would want you to enjoy: Motherhood! Your father cannot tell you this as he is not able to for many reasons, but if he was healthy and kindhearted he would most definitely applaud your decision to be a mom above all.

So, look for help. Take the bitterness out of your home. Your home should feel full of light right now! You've plenty of good comments and suggestions here about possible external living choices. I'm sure you can find something. And if you're afraid he'll die within a year, first of all that might be an unfounded fear, but even if he did, please think about him, about how bad he feels now. He is probably so unhappy and bitter because he is not living life anymore, he is just surviving! So he might be ok with not staying here for so long. Think about him and you'll see the options seem a little different.

It's very hard to make these decisions, but it'd be harder to live with something you might regret for the rest of your life such as jeopardizing the health and wellbeing of your baby!

Have faith, be brave, take control of life and smile again!! :)
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What would I do? I would find him a nursing home and take him there to finish out his days.  Case closed.  

 If he's miserable there, that's too bad, he sounds miserable anyway.  If he wants to eat greasy burgers, let him, eating organic lettuce and chicken breast isn't going to make him young, healthy and vigorous.   Chances are he will not, entering his new domicile,  keel over and die, he could very well outlive YOU.... You have a baby coming and your own family, your own life to tend to, and if you do not find him another place to live,  you and possibly the baby can suffer from ill health.  Your marriage could be endangered.  Read what all the sadder but wiser people here say and get going on The Big Move....please write back and let us know how it goes. 
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Don't be a martyr—it's not your responsibility. It sounds to me like HE is miserable, too. Place him NOW—set both of you free from this misery, as well as your husband and daughter.
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