She argues about everything, asked her OT, NP, and caregivers questions regarding things I have told her.. I am an RN by the way. She constantly does things that could jeopardize my dogs safety, and then gets insulted when I talk to her about it. I have been told I need to let her know that if the blatant disregard and disrespect for my feelings continue, I need to place her. Everyone tells me they have never seen someone so well taken care of…
I get up at night with her and can’t leave her. I have had limited hours of respite from the state but spend them showing each caregiver what to do. I have had no social life nor have I gone out except to the gym a handful of times and to run errands for groceries etc… I have no life! I am exhausted, I have MS and life is hard enough for me. I feel I am getting to the end of my rope with the stress she causes. I have two siblings, both are narcissists and give no help. I was blamed for her falling by my sister saying “well I thought she was going to be with you all the time but apparently not” when I went to get groceries, was gone for 40 min. She was showered , toileted, had water and warm. I told her to stay seated and I would be back quickly. She thought she saw something on the floor, reached, like I had told her not to, fell off the chair and when I came home she was on the floor. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. We fight because my sister is a narcissist and won’t pitch in for any care so I have given up in that. I am killing my self to take care of her. She says she is appreciative but her actions speak the opposite.
But, some elderly parents behave like little devils towards their adult children:
in particular, intentionally nasty mothers towards their daughter. Intentionally creating 100x more work, problems for the daughter.
Some mothers intentionally want to ruin their daughter’s life.
Take a look OP, and see if “little devil” fits the description of your mother.
If it doesn’t, that’s good. But, it’s still awful of course, that she treats you that way, destroying you.
We are the infancy of diagnosing most mental health disorders, autism chief among those.
Whether or not people are labelled ‘narcissists’, and whether or not it is related to brain changes in old age, is not really the point. It is a cluster of behaviors that are very hard on other people. If calling them narcissists helps the victims, isn’t that a good thing?
Narcissism is when a person cannot see past their own needs and wants. When they believe that they are the most important being in the universe and that the universe and everything in it exists to meet their needs and wants.
They have no empathy for other people's needs and wants.
They are so self-obsessed that they do not care if the whole world goes up in flames so long as their needs and wants are met.
Narcissism comes from Greek mythology (and I know all the stories because I had a real Greek yaya my grandmother).
Narcissus was a beautiful Greek youth who had a curse on him that he would die if he ever saw himself. One day he was out hunting and he saw his reflection on the surface of a pond and instantly fell in love with himself. That guy was so obsessed with himself that he starved to death because he couldn't pull himself away from his own reflection. His own self-importance and self-obsession killed him.
So, most people know what narcissism is and do not need you to instruct them on its definition.
It is not about whether someone is liked or disliked. It's about whether or not a person is self-obsessed and lacks empathy for anyone other than themselves.
Exhausted55's mother certainly fits this description by what she has said here. Many elders do. Granted, some have dementia and that will certainly amplify already existing narcissistic tendencies. It can be the cause too.
Many elders are also just selfish, narcissistic a$$holes with a grand sense of entitlement because they reached old age. They think that being old gives them a free pass to treat people anyway they want and that their needs and wants are the most important things in everyone's life. That's a narcissist 100%, my friend.
I saw your comment about promising that you'd never put her in a home.
No one should make promises they can't guarantee, nor should they be asked to. No parent who truly loves their kids and wants the best for them ever asks this of them. It's the selfish, narcissistic ones who are usually martyrs also that expect this of their children.
I think that you should speak plainly to your mother. Let mother know that you were not put on this earth to be her slave. Nor were you born to be disrespected and disregarded. Your life and health are more important than meeting her needs and demands.
Her needs can be met by any caregiver or by a care facility.
You're important. Your life has value and you deserve to be respected. Your mother has no right to walk all over you and mistreat you.
It's time to stand up to her and stop tolerating her crap. I always say that caregiving has to be done on the caregiver's terms to work. Not the care recipient's.
:)
"realize that the impossible person wants to hurt you to make themself feel better."
some elderly LOs have decline, old age, illness:
they want to take YOU down, too.
There is no magic wand to make this go away, because our toxic parent won't stop abusing us.
I'll speak for myself, because I don't know your mother.
I learned a lot from the replies from people on this forum, regarding my own troubles with my father (he blames me for anything bad that happens to him).
I see now that what he does (when he blames me) is:
-projection
-venting
-control tactic
-jealous
-manipulation
-kind of like a hobby for him: his hobby is blaming me
Some people want to cause as much havoc in their adult child's life as possible.
From this point of view, it's clear my father and I have totally opposite goals:
-I want as little stress as possible
-He wants me to have as much stress, problems, as possible
I'm talking about, when he's in a rage/bad mood.
Seeing clearly what my father does, helps me to be less affected. I see it's all part of the same pattern: he enjoys blaming me.
Daughterof1930 below, warned:
"Your own health is important, once gone you won’t get it back."
We have a longtime respected professional caregiver who basically tells her mom now to shut up, quit doing that, and the mom does because it’s gonna be her or nothing. You can certainly inform mom that if she wants you to stay, then she will be treating you with courtesy.
You have a serious illness and you must work. Your are doing Mom a big favor. She needs you more than you need her. Actually your health would be better without her around. So you sit down, look her in the eye and say "Mom this is not working."
I'm not finding any reason to NOT place your mother in a facility. Why isn't she in one already?
What's the wide angle picture here?
Someone with substantial health needs stepping into a lone caregiver situation.
Can I ask why? Why it had to be you to take this on?
Hugs 🤗
The OP told her mother to stay put in her chair while she went to the store and was only gone for 40 minutes.
She had taken her mother to the bathroom, set her up with refreshments and the tv. What does she do?
She gets up anyway then had a fall claiming she saw "something" on the floor. I'm sure the object in question was not there on the floor when the OP got home. Often with elders that have the kind of mentality the OP's mother has, they will deliberately do something because their adult child or caregiver told them not to.
I had more than a few care clients over the years who would stage falls or have a fabricated health crisis to get attention. I used to have a laugh because it was the classic Fred Sanford "Big One" heart attack from 'Sanford and Son' that he had in every episode. I remember one client in particular who called me hysterical that she was on the floor, couldn't get up, and was in pain. I told her I'd call her daughter. She pleaded with me not to because her daughter was working and she didn't want to bother her. I was at work too and told her this. She was also reminded of the talk we had. The one about how she isn't not allowed to call me unless it was for a cancellation of service. I called her daughter who left work and went over there. She was fine because it was a staged attention fall. Her daughter was fuming mad though. She called me up in a rage because she had to drive over an hour, and that she pays me to take care of her mother and I need to 'do my job'. I also had to remind the daughter of what we talked about previously when I called her a different time. That I was only her mother's caregiver during the hours I was being paid to work. I wasn't willing to do unpaid volunteer for them and that no other caregiver they hired would be willing to either.
The OP's mother could also be trying out staged attention falls too.
No, if she is of sound mind. We're all entitled to have bad days and take it out on the world, but if it's habit and personality, NO.
If a medical issue (e.g., dementia) isn't part of the equation and this is just how she is (always has been???), then you owe it to both of you to have a thoughtful, civil discussion with her about attitude and behavior, and if her insults, ridicule, laughing at you, generally disregarding you, etc. continue, then begin having her placed.
I make it sound simple when it isn't, but that kind of abuse from "that mentality" never gets better...it gets worse if we empower them. She's your mom and you want to take care of her, don't want her in a home I'm willing to guess. But especially with your MS----if she is capable of respecting you yet won't, and no one else is willing to step up, what are your options--a breakdown? depression? risk of losing your job from exhaustion/errors/time off? flaring your MS and risking advanced physical restriction? an early death? Take your pick, b/c one or more of those will happen before a habitual offender will reign themselves in unless forced.
I am usually not this curt-sounding but I've lost a bit of patience with people who think nothing of how they treat others, especially good caregivers.
I'm not a fan of using illness as an excuse unless it's warranted, and in your case, I think it is, so I wouldn't hesitate to use your MS (especially since you work full-time) as the reason there is no grey area in this matter.
"My requests are reasonable--they're about respect and courtesy--and I need for you to cooperate or I can't do it anymore. We need to be a team in this, and you need to be a better team player. And why wouldn't you want to be, Mom? I'm your daughter and doing the very best I can."
If you keep it up, you'll suffer the greater for it. And then how can you be of any assistance to her.
Very sorry you're being treated this way and left to feel so terribly deflated. Big, warm hugs.
:)
i just want to add 1 thing. you suggest OP says to the mother, for example:
"My requests are reasonable--they're about respect and courtesy--and I need for you to cooperate or I can't do it anymore. We need to be a team in this, and you need to be a better team player. And why wouldn't you want to be, Mom? I'm your daughter and doing the very best I can."
———
the mother will never change.
why?
because abusers feel good when they abuse their victim.
it’ll never stop.
Her actions speak for themselves. If you are going to keep her with you, then it's time to lay down the law here.
Are you kidding me? Here's how you put the brakes on the constant arguing, the disrespect and disregard for your home and your feelings, and the jeopardizing of your dog's safety.
Make your speech plain and tell her that your doctor told you to stop being her caregiver. And, if her behavior doesn't improve that you will either put her into a care facility or will drop her off with a suitcase on the doorstep of one of your siblings.
Stop using up all the caregiver hours instructing them on what to do. That isn't necessary. Her caregivers come pre-trained. Leave a list or mention a few things of importance.
When the caregivers are with your mother, you leave for that time. Go to lunch. Go shopping. Go to a movie. Whatever you like.
Your mother is spoiled and needs to be shown some tough love from you and her caregivers. Enough is enough. I tell you, if my sister ever made such a comment to me if our mother took a fall... well it's safe to say my sibling would receive a very different response from me. In other words, she'd get ripped a new one. I think you should try doing that with your do-nothing siblings.
Please stop tolerating your mother's crap. You don't have to.
Sounds like Mom has Dementia and if so she can no longer be reasoned with. Do u have POA? If so get a formal diagnosis and place her in MC if she can afford it or LTC with Medicaid footing the bill. Be aware, her SS and any pension will go towards her care.
"Mother, my MS is worsening and the doctors have ordered me to stop caregiving. You can ask Sister if you can live with her or you can be placed. But as of June 1, I can no longer house or care for you."
Don't engage in a discussion. Inform sister in writing and find a suitable placement. Tell Sissy she's in charge of the move.
There two narcissists don't deserve you. And no one else is going to care about your health if you don't.
If not, your future will involve worse treatment from M, more accidents for M, more blame from S, and less and less good life for you. That’s the truth.
If your mom has dementia you can not expect her to do or not do things that you expect of her.
With your health concerns it might be safer for both of you if you were to place her in Memory Care.
Stress does you no good. And it will get to the point where it will be more than you can do to care for her. You may end up hurting her or getting hurt yourself if you continue.
If she does have dementia you can forget boundaries. She has no concept of what boundaries are.