Is it safe for me to go visit the grandchildren if they are well?

Dear Jennifer, I am writing with great sympathy for your situation, and for the hurt that some of these comments must have caused you.

I have a ‘non-standard’ situation myself, after marrying my first cousin, whose uncle was my dreadful father and my dear MIL’s much loved younger brother. She changed her mind about him in later life after she migrated to Oz, but you can imagine the trials of my mother and MIL finding themselves living close together in their later years (and a few problems for me and DH1 as well!). So many people think things are odd, wrong, you must be crazy etc. This doesn’t help anyone to deal with the reality of their non-standard lives.

However I can remember a thread about a couple dealing with a very difficult demanding father who controlled his daughter and threatened the marriage. Only after a considerable time did it become clear that the W and FIL were Filipino migrants, with some very non-standard issues (including FIL setting up a sham marriage to bring in another W for himself). It made a difference to the thread, with more helpful comments about cross-cultural issues.

I suppose the moral is that it can help to give the back-story. Perhaps it shouldn’t, but it often does avoid the hurtful comments that you have had. I hope that you can forget them, and continue to do your best to cope so well with your own non-standard life. Very best wishes, Margaret

This question has sure brought about many other questions.
Just to be clear, this forum is intended to be a safe place for ALL caregivers to come. We as caregivers can relate to each other, that does not mean we always agree with each other.
Of course I watch the news and knew in my heart that I could not go see the kids, but does wanting to post (talk) about it make me less of a caring person? No! I’m honest, but I’m also tired, as many of you are.
The majority of the replies were very heartfelt, some just brutally honest, and others not really necessary. As I sat reading them again and again, most just made my heart smile and my eyes tear up, a couple made me want to ask to be removed from this website, because I do not deserve to be judged by anyone other than God!
I hope to write a book about my life one day! It has been that kind of crazy from my first memories as a small child.
My husband and I met at a difficult time in both of our lives. I can now look back on that and see things differently, but after almost 28 years, a grown son (Bill still remembers, and we both adore), a grandson, and ALZ I know I can’t change or fix anything or anyone.
I’m 45 years young/old. Bill’s onset was age 80, and while it was mostly just annoying little things for the first three years it still impacted our lives. Around year four everything changed! I still worked full time and was a mom and full time caregiver. Our church “family” of many, many years slowly disappeared, Bill was the one to write the checks each month, and was no longer able so that may have been a reason for the distancing. I can’t say for sure and don’t really mind it. When he became incontinent I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but I managed.
short version;
Bill 91
Me 45
GF 55
Bill out lived all of his life insurance policies at age 80 except one for 10k from his last job. He does not have long term care insurance. I worked full time until my breakdown at age 40 that landed me in the hospital for a month and closer to death than Bill has ever been. Upon my return to the same life I had to make some adjustments, so I stoped working outside of the house for the most part, I did continue to run my business from home. At this point I could still take Bill out of the house for little fun things and even dinner and drinks. I was being the best caregiver I could be.
I was extremely lonely. I eventually met Sarah, and she is my absolute everything. I love her and I am here, a live and well, and caring for Bill because of her love and support.
This is my life! I do have Bill on a wait list for a nursing home. I hope to have enough savings to cover the cost. We are very blessed, but as you know nursing homes are very expensive. He has been in the end stages of ALZ for a few months, and will be starting hospice home care this month.
I will not apologize for my life choices! I know not everyone will agree with them, that’s absolute okay. For the first time in my life, I’m happy, I’m at peace, I’m loved, and I’m still doing all I can to be the best caregiver (my role as wife has been gone for many, many years), mom, grandparent, sister, girlfriend, and small business owner that I can possibly be.
Thanks for listening and caring. Be kind, and stay well!

Four days ago I replied on this site “There is no non-traceable infection in our state (eg except for contacts with overseas arrivals), let alone in our isolated regional district.” Now we are told that two groups of tourists (Swiss and US) visited our local wine district (and major shopping centre) on 14 March, many locals working in hospitality came in contact with them, and that anyone who has been there since then should self-isolate. Don’t shop for food there, head in the other direction. I shopped there on 17 March, my last trip out, and on the farm we are virtually self-isolated anyway. But I am so glad that I didn’t go down to the city see my daughter and grandson. For me, that’s the answer to your question.

No, it is not safe.

You might feel fine - but could be carrying the virus. After all, you would be "breathing the same air" as he is. COVID-19 does not discriminate its victims.

I would advise against it at this time.

I would not recommend it as it seems that even though symptoms are not obvious, they can still be contagious 😷. Wait until this nightmare virus is over. Utilize FaceTime & Skype as well as the good old telephone 📞 Hugs 🤗

No way in hell! DO NOT go visit them, now is really a bad time to visit ANYONE in person.

COVID19 is super contagious. I know because I likely have it- still waiting for an appointment to get tested here in NY, where tests are in short supply and only given to severe cases. All I did was go to the grocery and walk around the block! No contact with anyone (that I'm aware of), maintained social distancing of bare minimum 6 feet, washed my hands like crazy and I STILL got sick! Thankfully my case is mild (knock on wood) but still, this is not something to mess around with.

Folks, COVID19 is real, it's serious, and it's widespread. Please stay home!!! Stay safe. This is not a drill.

The answer here is so clear. No. COVID-19 is ruthless to the lungs of the elderly and those with a compromised immune system, weak heart, or diabetes. There is no clear protection yet except prevention by avoidance completely, hand washing and wearing a mask even if you are not ill. Keep your (or those in your care) vitamin C (or any other strong antioxidant source) levels high because if you do get a cold, flu, or COVID-19 these will help minimize the effects of the possible follow-on pneumonia and sepsis in the lungs. COVID-19 death is by suffocation due to pneumonia and diaphragm fatigue. Strong I/V antioxidants can help the body fight the sepsis in the lungs. Take vitamin C as a precaution and/or eat lots of vegetables and fruit.

You have a 91 year old husband and a girlfriend/doctor that lives with you and DOESNT check on your husband? How old are you? How old is your girlfriend/doctor? Does your husband know that your girlfriend/doctor lives in the house too?

My county has 34 confirmed cases and guess what? 21 are under the age of 17! Most of the others are under the age of 49.

No, it isn't safe. Everyone is supposed to be sheltering in place. Perhaps you can use social media apps to reach the grandchildren.

There are of course doctors answering questions on every TV channel these days. Every time this question was asked, the answer was the same FOR NOW, do the social distancing.

Given the national as well as the state directives, I don't think visiting loved ones is a good idea. Add the fact that your husband is of advanced age and staying home is even more important. Have you thought of using face time or Skype to virtual visit? I understand that you miss visiting your family but I'm guessing you would feel worse if someone became ill.

For me a better term for what we are all should be doing is physical distancing or physical social distancing. We don’t need to stay away from each other socially we need to stay away physically because that is the best way to take care of everyone around us and everyone we and the people we come in contact with. So for me the question would be is this physical contact necessary enough to be worth the risk of infection to me, the person I’m coming in contact with and everyone in my household. Sometimes this answer is yes and sometimes unfortunately it’s no but I can only make that reckon on a case by case basis for myself (and in affect the people around me).

Fortunately we now live in a day and age where social interaction is very possible without physical interaction so there are all kinds of good ways to interact with your grand’s without going to visit them and then go home. In fact it’s probably a great opportunity to aclamate all of you to other methods of interacting (reading a bedtime story via Skype, FaceTime or one of the virtual drop in devices, send recordings back and forth or write letters the way we did prior to the internet. You may need to fall back on these methods or even choose to continue them in the future anyway. Even if they only live 15 min away how nice would it be to have an Echo Show for instance in each home so you can drop in on your grandson from home whenever the desire hits and he can do the same (yes you can see the caller before they see you and refuse the call so no unwelcome surprise visits)? How nice would it be for your husband in his more lucid moments as well as your son and grandchildren to visit with him more often and when he’s lucid? I think some real positives could come out of this these difficult times if we look for them.

All of that said, if you do decide to go see them I would urge you to take the precautions the Dr in your home assumably does, wash your hands when you arrive at your sons before touching anything or anyone, again before you leave and then shower when you get home and wear some sort of mask barrier at least when you go into DH room but even better when you go to see grands as well, I know it doesn’t protect you per se but it does remind you not to touch your face and then it helps protect your loved ones from anything you might pick up in either home.

The people I feel most for are the ones with loved ones in NH nearing the end of their life who are unable to physically visit. Their time together is very limited and may never be recouped. Your situation while not enviable at all is at least not so timely since you have years to look forward to with your son and his family, plenty of time to make up for missed hugs and kisses the way those of us not lucky enough to live that close to our grand children do. Again I don’t mean to minimize your relationship in any way, I’m just saying kids survive through all kinds of separation from parents and grandparents these days and we are so fortunate to have the ways we do to stay connected during these times, maybe explore some of those while weighing the pluses and minuses of exposing everyone. Good luck.

First I absolutely agree with NO
I do though have a tip for everyone. I live in UK & my bff in NY since early 90's we have finished phone calls doing this (both at same time):-
1) tuck phone between ear and shoulder
2) wrap left arm diagonally across your body
3) wrap right arm diagonally across your left arm
4) gentle squeeze
5) You just shared a hug.
My friend spoke to her grandchildren (age 2-19) on Social Media and they all
loved it. The littlest copied the actions and now share "Lucy Hugs" with everyone.
Okay it's not the same as a physical hug, but it's one more way we have of sharing.
Take Care, Stay Safe and Well, Lucy

Yesterday, my husband, his Mom, who lives at our home, and I did a Zoom call with our 5 children and their spouses. The grandkids came on and said hello, we got to sit together and talk for 2 hours! It was so much fun! The two year old granddaughter wants to FaceTime with “Mimi”, me, every few days. I think we are used to this, though, because they lived in Germany for 9 years. All the grands were born there, but they live across the US from us now. It’s good enough! I know it may seem hard if you haven’t had to do it, but our grands know and love us, even though they only saw us in person once or twice a year. Remember! I protect You, and You Protect Me! We can do this.

This post from jennifer3 sounds fake.  She says her husband is 91 with ALZ and it is  just her and her "girlfriend" (who is a doctor) in the house  but this so called "girlfriend-doctor" goes to work each day and doesn't even go into the room?  Jennifer3 says that she herself is "young and healthy" and misses her son and "the children"?  What is going on here?  Sounds like a young "honey" has somehow managed to find an old man who has no children of his own to look out for his interests.  This "girlfriend" issue is strange too. Is jennifer3 encouraging this old man not to come out of his room because she is worried about his catching corona virus or because she doesn't want him "in the way"?  If this is fake, shame on Jennifer 3.  If it is true, perhaps Adult Protective Services might investigate.  The longer a "sugar daddy" can live at home, the more money might be available for an unscrupulous person to inherit.

The fact that you are a little leary in the question you present with tells me that you’ve answered your own question in that you are selfish and should not visit your grandchildren. Everyone should really shelter in place for a long while let’s get through this and be done with it.
To go and see noisy, running around the house screaming children and putting a 91 yo husband at risk with Alzheimers makes no sense to me. Sorry if I generalized or stereotyped your grandchildren who might be well mannered, but you get my point.
Everyone please, control yourselves!
P.S. why don’t you Skype or FaceTime your grandchildren and son to you can SEE EACH OTHER?

I agree that the best answer is to stay home for anyone and everyone that possibly can. My husband is in current cancer treatment and I have been treated for cancer in the past, so doing well today, but still much at risk. We ONLY leave for his weekly chemo treatments. However, we have 5 children and 9 grandchildren and I truly can relate to the heartbreak of not seeing each other. We have made use of technology as well as good old fashioned mail to stay connected. One of my daughters did pick up some needed supplies for us last week and had the kids in the car when she dropped them off. (She leaves them on my porch and I safely bring in later) Anyhow...we live out in the country and the boys got out of the car and we came out on our deck (well more than 10 feet away) we "air hugged" waved, talked and we were able to have a slightly awkward but oh so meaningful brief visit. I know it was as much needed for them as us, and I do feel like it was as best as can be at this time. Another daughter will likely pick up next weeks supplies and hope to do something similar. Outside only, no no no snuggles, but big smiles from afar. Maybe, something like that could work for you? Be well, stay safe, and think about all involved in this crisis and how each persons actions have trickle down effects.

NO !!! DO NOT PUT YOURSELF AND OTHERS AT RISK. You need to think with your head and not your heart. STAY HOME!!!! Your GF doctor is an essential worker. She should be advising you to stay home with your husband!! You can get the virus and pass it on to the two year old, young, old or in-between. Hope you do the right thing and stay home.

Are you willing to find and where a face mask and gloves when you go out or for the entire time you are in your own home? Every time you go out, you put yourself and your loved ones at risk. COVID-19 can linger in the air for 3 hours and on surfaces for at least 3 days. You will need to make sure not to breathe in "bad" air which can be anywhere indoors, strip, and bathe after every excursion out of the house. If you aren't worried about doing this when you are out, you should wear a mask all the time you are home - to protect your husband. If you are over 65 years old, you probably shouldn't be going out either. Get your groceries delivered.

I would suggest it is time to experiment with video visits with your children and grandchildren. Facetime, Facebook, Zoom and Skype are all fairly easy to operate options. Of course, regular phone calls can work wonders too. Have your children and grandchildren send you plenty of pictures. Send them pictures too.

The most distressing part of COVID-19 in the social distancing required. Anybody can have the virus and pass it along without having any symptoms. Try to hold out a little longer until the pandemic has passed.

A recent study seems to show that MOST coronavirus infections were passed along by people showing NO SYMPTOMS. Those kids could be infected and you would never know it,

stay home

the only way to be certain is to stay home.

flatten the curve.

You can do window and telephone visits. If the kids come to your house when the weather is good, you can sit by the window and have speaker phones on. Its a good time for show and tell. If the kids are artistic, they can perform. Just don't open the window and you are fine. Coronavirus cannot pass through. Its a good way to be creative and add to the family lore. I hope you have a good window somewhere...

Dear grandma, I really feel for you and I also as a grandma can identify with you, best thing for now is stay home call him via facetime or skype WhatsApp, etc but stay safe at home. For his and your sake.

Social distancing can only work when everyone is compliant. We all have our emotional heartstrings being tugged that allow one to rationalize making oneself the exception. DO NOT DO IT! Yes, it is selfish of you to even consider and to accommodate a two year old who is missing you... Facetime or Skype.

No! No! No! ......I’m a nurse....just the IDEA of what you ask made my blood boil a bit! Stay home Stay home! Stay home!
Use FaceTime, Skype, Zoom, House party there are so many platforms to use to see your grandchildren nowadays!

I am in NJ ...my 94 yr. old MIL is in Assisted Living ....we haven’t been able to see her in a over a month ....@ her age & w/ the current situation maybe we will never see her again! Your grandchildren r young wait till it’s SAFE!
Stay Home! Amen!
( something about your question, ages, etc. seems off ...as other mentioned ...IF you are trolling this is absolutely the lowest to do it here.

Oh, did I mention stay home!

Just so you know, there have been healthy, read that again, healthy 30 and 40 year olds becoming infected and dying form the coronavirus. That is fact.

The guidelines issued about age over 60, and /or chronic medical conditions, are just that, GUIDELINES. They are not hard and fast rules about who can contract and die from this.

There should be no in-person visiting of anyone for a very long while. Now is not the time to be selfish; it is a time to be selfless and considerate to all humanity.

There is a great video on YouTube by a Dr. Keith Mortman from George Washington University showing a virtual image of the lungs of a health 50-yr. who became infected. This virus causes widespread, diffuse pneumonia of all lobes of both lungs with PERMANENT damage.

Another "No" from me. You have to assume anyone and everyone can be carrying the virus even if they are asymptomatic.

Your girlfriend is a doctor,
Your husband is in this 90's
You are in your 40's
You miss seeing your son and children

Something just does not make sense. You NEED to stay at home. Many different generations you could infect.

This emergency is not about you. It is about protecting all those you love. Be mindful and thoughtful. Take care of others by following the CDC guidelines.

That bike will mean even more later.

hello Jennifer!

it is indeed very hard times
right now! Please stay home safe and go out only for essentials. You should not go visit anyone right now and none should visit you! Maybe you can FaceTime or Skype? Otherwise talk to them on the phone.

stay safe! We all need to be extra socially responsable !

This is NOT meant to be a smart-ass question but if your husband is 91 then just how young (and healthy) can you be? Even if he is 20 years older that still puts you in a risk class.
We are told to social distance for a reason. "Missing someone" is not a good enough reason to put may peoples lives in jeopardy especially the doctor who resides in your home.
I suggest you find creative ways to connect with the 2 year old and make this a learning situation for both of you.