My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and has been recently staying with us. She has 7+ kids and was diagnosed pretty early on. Before her deceased started affecting her, she begged and cried to her kids (and my mom) not to put her in a home. Which after talking it over they agreed to. However, it’s been five years. Though she has been living with my grandfather, she became pretty difficult to managed. Falling down, getting naked, needing help to use the bathroom, not remembering anybody, leaving the house, etc. My grandfather is in his 90s. He can’t handle that responsibility and has many times called his kids to take her out of the house for a few days till he can have his peace. Yet, refusing to put her in a home. I live with my mom and I’m the only person who doesn’t share a room. Therefore, she stays with me. She wakes me up five time at night to help her use the bathroom and takes 10 minutes to go back to sleep. She takes naps throughout the day, so she’s fine but I’m sleep deprived. I need to work and go to school. My uncles can’t take care of her cause she needs help showering and they would never look at her naked. 2 of my aunts live in different states, and the others use work as an excuse but my parents have full time jobs and they still bring her here. Recently, my grandmother contracted Covid. I came out negative but had to inform my school and job I was living with a positive person. I have to quarantine for five days. My parents came back positive, and can’t go to work. I can’t afford to miss work and school. I’m saving to move out. My parents relationship has become pretty rocky thanks to her. I don’t hate her but I’m becoming resentful. My room smells like piss. Her “nurse” isn’t helping, and I don’t see myself moving out for another 6 months. Also, I feel bad leaving my mom with the responsibility to take care of her.
Promising not to put her in a home is not smart, because no one ever knows what the future will hold. Who in their right mind would run Grandpa and your entire household into the ground because five years ago they promised not to place her, especially when she'd get the care she actually NEEDS in a memory care facility??
Tell your folks it's time for Grandma to get the care she desperately needs. Placing her where she'll get the best care IS caring for her. Otherwise, everyone is just martyring themselves for absolutely no good reason, and everyone suffers, including Grandma.
Since then she has been extra sensitive about the topic. It’s like taking to a wall. The other family members won’t even hear about it, even though they only call once in a while and contribute (some) money for her nurse. I just wish she could sleep over other people’s house. Not ours. I wasn’t even planning to move out. I wanted to save for a house while paying my parents a small amount of rent money. Now I hate not getting even one night of full sleep so I’m trying to move out ASAP.
Even when you love your family, respect them & respect your cultural history it does not mean you will always agree.
If it makes it easier, some people re-write that promise, you know the 'no nursing home ever* promise. That plea that stems from fear of old-world asylums & tales of mad-houses from long ago.. That fearful plea of distress is picked up by caring people like your Mother, who rise to the challenge to be The Protector.
Who can be saved from Old Age? Only the unlucky who die young.
Your Mother would benefit from an overhaul of her plan. A re-writing of her role & script. From 'daughter keeping her Mother out of a Nursing Home' (despite damage to her marriage & children to 'daughter who lovingly cared for her Mother at home as-long-as-possible. Who made a new plan that respected her Mother, Husband, Children & Herself. Who used her strength to find & implement a new plan. Who used her bravery to admit when it is time for change.
Yes?
Start your life in this new year and set boundaries and stick to them.
You can "give" 1 day a week to help grandma. Figure out what day is best for you. I realize it is not the best solution but in order to keep your job and go to school you can ask before you come to help out on "your day" that each member of the household take a COVID test before you get there. they are not all accurate and it is a "moment in time" that you are testing. If anyone tests positive you do not help out that day.
Grandma (or grandpa) can pay to have caregivers some in and help out.
BOUNDARIES. It is an important word that caregivers and family members have to learn and implement.