My father has been in and out of mine and my sister's lives our entire lives. He had a heartattack back in 2013 which the doctor said it was brought on by his stress and his drinking. A few years later he calls me having a seizure we thought and I had an ambulance there before I even got to his house. 2017 he got a horrible, on the brink of death, case of pancreatitis I nursed him back even though I was taking care of my 4 year old and working a full time job. 2018 he leaves state and tells me to f off basically. In 2019 he comes back to Texas and is in such a bad state I have to pick him up and carry him to my car. Let me paint the picture a 5' 4" 23 year old picked up her 6' 1" father. If felt like I was picking up a pillow he was in such bad shape. I get him to the hospital and he spends the next month and a half laying there in a hospital in ICU because he can't move any of his body. He now has end stage cirrhosis of the liver. They put him through some physical therapy enough to where he can walk with a walker without support. He's doing much better with his walking but now he's acting like he did before it all happened. I'm trying to lay down some basic common courtesy rules like I do for my daughter but he doesn't care. He's taking off because he doesn't need constant care anymore but he still can't live alone for fear of 1 relapse to his drinking which is the reason he is so bad and 2 fear he'll kill himself. Most days I am home with him in case he needs me I always try to talk to him and try to do stuff with him so he isn't going stir crazy but he doesn't want to talk to us he hides in his room.
I don't know how to talk to him about these rules anymore he won't listen to me. I've tried to let him vent things out tell me if he doesn't like something but the only thing he'll do is take off. It feels like I have a teenager. Is it wrong of me to put rules in place? Like when everyone needs to be home, or help with something around the house, nothing that's too much for him but like something simple the docs said he should be abl to do and it'll help with his physical therapy. Or even the big if your go somewhere and don't want me with you can you please just let me know where it is and when you plan on being back that way if something happens I know where to look or around where. My Dad is about to turn 50 so I'm trying to give him his space and freedom but it feels like he's walking all over me and I'm scared to speak up to him and try to talk this out because we always end up fighting. We have a crap relationship but I don't want to see my Dad die because he won't stop staying out all night sleeping so little I can't even check on his meds because he's hiding them.
I'm 24 my Husband and I are constantly fighting about my Dad now. My Dad seems to be purposely trying to put us against eachother most days.
I guess what I'm asking is am I wrong for trying to enforce simple rules and what do I do from here? I'm lost. My Sister has no problem telling me how I'm doing everything wrong but she's not here doing any of this. The man may not have been there much in our lives but he's still our father and I didn't want to see him waste away like he was. I'm sorry I haven't put things out too clearly. I'm pregnant and I'm at the end of my rope trying to keep peace in my house. Please help me.
Then your children get to repeat the same process with you, only they will be talking about how their mom wasn't a part of their lives.
Your dad is a deadbeat and he is trying to destroy your life, your words make that abundantly clear. You can't save him or change him. You can allow him to destroy your family.
He doesn't have the ability to give you the love that you desire from him. The sooner you realize that he is not capable of being anything other than what he is, the sooner you will get your life in order and put your husband and children first. You don't really want to perpetuate a broken home through another generation do you?
Kick his sorry self to the curb and take care of the people that you are responsible to, your husband and your children.
You believe you can protect your father. In spite of everything he has proved to you over the years.
You have a four year old and a husband. You can protect them, and you can give your daughter the best possible start in life. Oh holy goodness I've only just seen the "I'm pregnant" - !
Your father needs to be cared for by other people, not you. Please stop sacrificing everything important to this person when it WILL NOT rescue him.
A friend of mine had a dad so similar to yours, it's uncanny.
She ended up (after YEARS of rehab for him) simply getting court ordered guardianship over him and moving him to a low income apt. She pays his bills and buys his food. He still manages to get alcohol and always will.
But, she's firm with him and does what absolutely needs to be done and no more.
She's older than you, but still has 4 young kids at home. She knows he will die, sooner rather than later and she's at peace with that.
In your case, dropping him off at an ER and refusing to take 'ownership' of him and his problems sounds like your best bet.
YOUR FAMILY must come first. Period.
You may luck out and when he is feeling better he will up and leave. If this happens, do not allow him back into ur life. If you get "that"call, say sorry but you can't help. Let him call an ambulance and the Social Workers at the hospital handle where he goes. If you get a call from them, say sorry you can no longer help him. That you have tried only to have your family almost torn apart. You need a liver and "his" drinking caused the problem. Not ur Mom and not you. He is addicted (I don't consider alcoholism a desease) and that addiction will kill him. This is his choice.
The reason I think this is that the OP says "My Sister has no problem telling me how I'm doing everything wrong but she's not here doing any of this. The man may not have been there much in our lives but he's still our father..." - I guess that last part is not the view the sister takes of the matter.
New baby.
Husband. (Sorry Hubby but babies come first!)
This is your new priority list.
Dad has had 50 years on this planet to learn rules, obey them or break them.
I know you want to help. You want to 'fix' him.
You did not break him. You cannot fix him.
Do you want to be living his life? Or do you want to live your own? With your beautiful new baby?
Sorry for being blunt but go live your life.
Dad is drunk = Dad moves into garage or shed in backyard. Then hospital admission. Refuse to collect. Then off your property. This is how it goes. This is how you separate his life from yours. For your own good & the next generation.
He is wrecking your life. You don’t deserve that. You don’t owe him anything. Please end this toxic relationship. Your priority is to your own family. You are pregnant. You certainly don’t need any additional stress.
Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.