My instincts tell me it is very wrong indeed; that it is unfair to other patrons, and also unfair to the restaurant staff. The problem is that my mother does not always vomit after eating, so she strongly feels it is her right to attempt an incident-free restaurant experience. However, I would say the vomiting episodes occur about 50% of the time now, and I feel that's just too often to risk upsetting other patrons. I am conflicted, because my mother feels eating out is her main joy in life, and yet I strongly feel that people outside of our family should not bear the responsibility of having to witness her vomiting episodes while they are paying to enjoy a fine meal. I put myself in other patrons shoes: If I were dining out, and another patron began to vomit, I would feel emotionally (and most likely physically) disturbed. I would most likely not be able to finish the rest of my meal. I find it difficult to finish my own meal when my mother is vomiting. When I raise these issues with my mother, she screams at me that she has as much right as any patron who suffers from a disability to enjoy a fine meal out. For me, vomiting in a restaurant just crosses the line in terms of what is "PC". I am also super stressed from having to clean her up in front of strangers when these vomiting episodes occur. I'm a private, somewhat shy person, and taking center stage during these episodes actually makes my stomach hurt. I am torn between trying to give her the best quality of life possible while not taking the same quality of life away from other diners and myself. Any feedback on this situation would be greatly appreciated.
I, for one, agree with you. I have a weak stomach and someone puking ruins my appetite. Unfortunately life gives us issues that shouldn't be shared with all. I also understand that your mom wants to do what she wants. Such a catch 22. Maybe takeout?
I would definitely scope out restaurants that have private rooms or private tables so that she can enjoy eating out and others don't have to have their meals ruined.
Make her wear a bib to make clean up easier. This isn't a choice if she can't do it herself. It becomes a biohazard, body fluids can spread disease and it is unfair and selfish for her to expect you to deal with this without something protecting her and her clothes.
I would also keep a journal and figure out if she is having a reaction to certain foods.
You can't change anyone else's behavior, but you can change your own. You don't want to see anyone throwing up at a restaurant. I don't either. Don't be a party to it.
Keep in mind that body fluids are a bio-hazard. It does not matter if Mum is vomiting due to a digestion issue or virus, it is unconscionable to expose other patrons and restaurant staff to this activity.
It is a sing that Mum is losing her grip on reality that she thinks it is ok. There are a great many behaviours that are not ok in public.
You can pick up food. She can eat at home. You can take her out to other places that doesn’t require eating as an outing, such as a visit to a park, museum, movie, the mall, etc.
I feel the same way when people here mention they bring their elders to restaurants, knowing they will have a diarrhea or poop mess. What about the smell, much less possible leakage?
She can have a best quality of life without going to a restaurant and ruining everyone else time.
Given her medical history I'm concerned that this is dysphagia, a difficulty with the mechanics of swallowing that is causing her to choke, gag and vomit. She needs a swallow study to figure this out because it is only a matter of time until you will be doing the Heimlich manoeuvre instead of dealing with vomiting, and beyond that she may be aspirating food or vomit into her lungs.
This IS "the hill you want to die on."
Absolutely do not take her out to eat.
Let her scream all she wants to about this.
I'm so sorry she has this problem, but OMG it is pretty awful.
Seems a speech therapist could help with this issue.
Give yourself credit. By reaching out to this community you have recognized that your situation is untenable and have taken the first steps to change it. Congratulations.
Can I suggest that you walk away when she screams at you. NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, EVER!! And that is exactly what she is doing, she is verbally abusing you to manipulate you into giving her what she wants.
Having a difficult, selfish, self-centered, abusive parent is one of the hardest trials in life.
I don't think I would even offer a lovely dinner at home until she can behave like a grown up. Throwing tantrums has been effective for her, so it will definitely escalate when you set boundaries and say no, be prepared and you will overcome the challenges.
Here's a great big warm hug for strength to take your life back.
Though on the minor issue, here is your clear boundary: your mother can dine at a restaurant whenever she pleases (you are in no way restricting her autonomy), but you ain't taking her (her autonomy does not extend to your choices). She'll have to see who else she can get to clear up her puke amidst a chorus of disapproval.
I think your Moms mind has been effected by these strokes. No one in their right mind would want to embarrass themselves or others this way. For me, once you may get away with, twice no way. Like u I don't like being the center of attention. I would not be sympathetic, I would be mad because Mom is well aware it might happen.
Early in our marriage my MIL had Thanksgiving dinner at her home. An Aunt had been invited. She wasn't a heavy woman but sat there and gorged herself. While some of us were still eating, she got up and went to the bathroom, which was fairly close, and vomited. She then came out and said "time for dessert". I told my DH, I will never go to another dinner that she is there. The next TG my MIL didn't invite her.
I agree, boundary time. Tell her she embarrasses you and its not fair to the other patrons. Plus its considered a health hazard. Tell her you would consider it if she goes to the doctor to find out what is causing it.
I also agree, if she starts abusing you, walk out.
"Can I suggest that you walk away when she screams at you."
-Isthisreallyreal
Honestly, I think the whole restaurant vomiting thing may be the least of your worries. You really need to work on the boundaries, and others on this forum have much better advice than I could give. Listen to what others have to say, and you CAN get your life back and still have a relationship with your mom.
to that I say that if you didn’t, it would be a death sentence for you.
xoxoxo
susan
please please please take a step back for a moment to reassess your situation and caring for your highly toxic mother. I mean no disrespect, but she is totally out of line and has been allowed to push beyond acceptable tolerance. I’m 50 and I’ve had three, yes three tia’s aka mini strokes and I do not use that as an excuse to torment someone nor has it ever crossed my mind- I have had no permanent problems thankfully .( not outside my usual off the hook self). A nurse told me the only difference between a mini stroke and a stroke is that you recover from a mini stroke. I feel that your mother isn’t dealing with her aging process very well, feels like she’s losing control over her physical abilities which can happen when we age and due to her already toxic type personality which will only continue to increase worsening her outbursts with time she figures she’s losing control and she ain’t doing it alone- misery loves company my dear. MY mother has taught me that.She might be scared of aging etc which is understandable but her behavior is not normal nor is blaming it all on mini strokes. I think it is possible the tia’s could have enhanced the underlying toxic person that was already in place but not cause her to change into how she is acting. You must , for your sake STOP accepting and allowing and blaming the mini strokes to that enable her to behave and treat you like this. If you don’t you will one day wake up to find yourself and life destroyed. And believe me, she has recovered much much better from those tia’s than you ever will from that kind of destruction. Good luck to you.
xoxoxsusan
~Absolutely NO more eating out in restaurants
~Get some therapy for yourself right away to help you figure out a blueprint on how to go about backing OUT of this nightmare of care giving you're involved in.
~Get mother placed into a Skilled Nursing Facility where others are paid to deal with this level of Toxicity.
For some reason, many children of mothers like this think it's our 'duty' to put up with WHATEVER level of insanity that's thrown at us. It's not okay. It's not normal. It's not something that we have to 'pull on our big girl panties and suck up.'
What it IS is something we have to figure out how to DETACH from and REMOVE ourselves from. And how to let others handle instead. Because OUR lives are on the line here. These women are old and infirm. They've lived their lives. We, on the other hand, have husbands and jobs and children, etc., that require our attention. If we devote 100% of our attention to the Energy Vampires, that leaves 0% left over for OUR lives.
See where I'm going with this?
Please please please sign up with a therapist immediately to help you figure this whole mess out. We can only advise you..........sending you many hugs and prayers for strength.
She needs help. Please don’t take on the responsibility of allowing her to live with you. If you think this is hard now, think again because if she lived with you it would become a total nightmare. Even if everything starts out okay, sooner or later true colors come through and the mayhem begins.
Speak to your mom’s doctor. Tell the doctor you are unwilling to care for her in your home. Ask what options are available for her to be professionally cared for.
Mother LOVES to 'eat out' and I found that I was the only person in the family who was taking her out---last time I took her 'out' I realized why!
She smells--just 'old person doesn't wash well enough' and urinary incontinence that becomes VERY apparent when she gets warm or in close quarters.
I picked her up for lunch (10:30, of course that's when 90 yo's eat lunch) and in my car with the heat on..the smell got to me. I opened my side window so could breathe. At the restaurant, they seated us in a booth near several other groups of diners. Within a few minutes, one group of diners were sniffing and wrinkling their noses (I was so embarrassed b/c I KNEW they could smell mom)...they quietly called the waitress and she moved this group of 6 to a table far from us. Mom didn't notice, but I did as it involved a LOT of work on the waitress' part. Luckily, not a lot of people are eating lunch at 10:30-11). Mom is so hunched over, her chin is LITERALLY sitting on the table. So she kind of shovels her food in. It's gross to watch, but she cannot sit up straight. She dribbles and spills and half her meal is on her shirt front. But, oh, how she loves to eat!!
My appetite is zero, so I get something that can be boxed up 'to go' and I just drink Diet Cokes and pick at a roll or muffin. And of course she wants to stay as long as possible--meaning the waitress cannot use the tables near us...having been forewarned of the smell. I realize this messes with the restaurant's plans of where they sit people so they can be waited on efficiently.
It last about 1-1/2 hours and it's not fun or pleasant for me. But then, it's not about me.
I talked to OS about this and she went with me the next time I took mom out and she really 'got it'. This time I asked to be seated far from any other diners and it was OK. Still smelled bad, but what can I do about that? I just needed someone in the family to 'get it'!
I just cannot bring this up with mother. She's doing the best she can---and she's NOT belligerent, so what I have chosen instead is to pick up a favorite fast food meal occasionally and take it to her. She goes out with a friend once a week and that has to suffice.
If she were vomiting--that would be a great concern. You said your mom had a stroke? One thing they work on is the 'new' method of cutting food into small pieces and the 'new' swallowing technique. Maybe mom needs a wake up call by you simply refusing to take her out and being a little (a lot?) tougher with her temper tantrums.
BTW-I slipped the sweet waitress a $20 bill for not making a scene...she refused it but I insisted. We made a lot more work for her.
The vomiting after eating also concerns me. You state you have encouraged her to cut her food in smaller pieces and that she doesn't always vomit. I have a hiatal hernia and one of the first symptoms was gagging and coughing up food I had just swallowed. The first time was eating fast food while driving down the road and I thought my food had just gone down the wrong pipe (an occasional reoccurring problem with asthma when the airway is reduced sometimes there's an involuntary quick intake of air that can pull food into the airway). Second time I was aware I had swallowed and then felt the food get "stuck" before it reappeared. Tests confirmed the diaphragm tear and hiatal hernia from a recent round of acute bronchitis and a prolonged asthma attack; I had felt something tear during one attack but the doctor blew me off until symptoms surfaced. I learned to avoid the regurgitation by drinking more fluids with my meals, cutting food into smaller pieces and concentrating on chewing meats well before swallowing. I am especially careful when eating with a group because I tend to focus on conversation and forget my chew well and drink often measures. At this point, regurgitation only happens once every 18-24 months. Although I can feel it coming for several seconds and can leave the table, I can seldom get completely out of a room quickly enough. When dining out I try to pick a table near an exterior or bathroom door and carry a small plastic cup and a small towel positioned in my purse for quick access. Putting the cup to my mouth and the towel over my nose and mouth prevents any of the regurgitated food products from being observed or contaminating nearby surfaces. Throw the cup in the nearest trash bin and most people in my party will only think I choked.
Is your mother vomiting a small amount of food? Without stomach fluids/acids? Accompanied by choking behavior? A hiatal hernia can be repaired if your mother is a good surgical candidate. If your mother does have dementia, she is likely to be increasing unable to manage any chew well and drink more type of coping mechanisms. Maybe she will be more cooperative about seeing a doctor if she believes there is a chance of a cure.
She would refer to it as, “tightness of the stool!” I am cracking up laughing right now, just remembering it but when it happened I wanted to crawl under the table! She did this in fine dining restaurants in uptown New Orleans. She was nuts! Oh gosh, the stuff that came out of her mouth was insane.
Her comments about other people too. I was afraid of being killed as the innocent bystander that happened to be with her. She was totally out of the box crazy!
My godmother was the same. She would ask someone as they came out of the bathroom, “Did everything come out okay?” LOL 😂