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My mother has not been out of bed since March, now and again she has a bluish tint around the mouth, but not all the time, her hands are swollen but not her feet. Both hands and feet are cold to the touch. She is now getting weaker each day and hasn't eaten much since Tuesday and it's now Saturday, she is drinking water but mostly to take meds. Her breathing is shallow with 8 resps per min now and again her breathing stops for about 20 seconds. She sleeps most of the day and all of the night. She is 85yrs old. Is she now in the dying stage?

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One thing to add when Mom passes call the hospice nurse as soon as you feel ready and he/she will call the funeral home of your choice and they will come as quickly as they can depending on the weather and distance. If you want to spend a little time with Mom before calling hospice nurse that is fine too. Do not call 911 that opens a big can of worms because the EMTs will insist on calling the Medical Examiner which in most places is not required when the patient is enrolled in hospice.
Check with your hospice nurse if they are allowed to pronounce the death and call the funeral home. It is very hard to argue with EMTs and police if you call 911 which is why hospice tells you to call them not 911.
It is a good idea to contact the funeral home of your choice prior to the death and make some arrangements. If there is not to be a viewing and cremation it is not necessary to have the body embalmed although the funeral home will want to do it. (Another expense) If there is going to be any delay and distant relatives can not arrive for hours or days then go ahead and have the embalming done because the body deteriorates very quickly and most funeral homes at least don't in our area have refrigderation.
Right now things you don't want to think about and you don't actually have to do anything. When I was a hospice nurse I often attended deaths where no arrangements had been made and I just called the funeral home of choice and everything was taken care of.
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I need these answers too, although my situation is not that bad yet.
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This happened to my mother during the last two months  of her life. I noticed she would not eat and spent a lot of time in bed with breathing very shallow. My sister and I had her at the hospital where we received the bad news: metastatic lung cancer. The cancer had spread to her bones, liver, and the brain. My mother maybe had another year to live. My sister and I brought in hospice care at the house; my mother went very peacefully the following week. I had talk therapy through one of the social workers at the hospital, and attended a Griefshare course at two different churches in my area. I also used another counseling program to help me find a good apartment. I have lived in the one I have now for the past six years.
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Thank you all, my mam ate a little this morning, she wanted a banana sandwich. Hasn't eaten since and as you have all suggested I haven't tried to force her. Slightly confused today, hasn't been confused until now. Breathing bit better but colour still the same. One min she is cold the next boiling but fingertips are always freezing. Still sleeping 20 hrs a day if not more. Told the rest of the family but they still haven't been to see her. Not because of any rift just think they don't want to accept it. Called doctor in who is aranging help for me. Thanks to you all for answering my post you are all wonderful. God bless
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In home hospice was so helpful when my uncle died I couldn't of done it without them. It really is a great service at no charge.
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Hospice will come to ur home. Your mom doesn't have to go anywhere. My mom and dad stayed home.
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Please get hospice in. It's free I believe. They will make her passing as smother as possible. They are the best people around. We had hospice for my mom and dad. Hospice helped greatly. They also help you cope with everything. Good luck and stay strong.
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So much good information and support here for you. If this does go on for days yet, your mom does not even need to know that hospice has come. Truly, she won't know who these lovely people are but you will receive invaluable support and every question answered. My mom passed a month ago in nursing home, and the last two nights when nursing home staff are even unsure what to do for someone passing, I called the on-call hospice nurse and they came at any time, from some distance, and gave me exactly what was needed to help her. If you have no one to call when the going takes a turn, you feel that distress and helplessness. Hospice nurse presence was so needed. They have seen it all and can respond. So even if it is very late stage now, as soon as one comes in, they have things to suggest and will relieve your fears even after the passing, that you may carry with you as a regret. Please call for that reason alone. I won't continue with how it went for my mom, but just know, it was better with the hospice nurse (and I am also a nurse but I needed her).
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Both gladimhere and cwillie have given you solid advice. You do not want to be without the support of Hospice when your loved one passes. Make sure you have plans for disposition of the body at this time. Do not wait until she has passed. My mom, who died in June, was a member of the Cremation Society. As with my dad, they were given a heads up and were ready to pick up Mom's body in less than an hour. Make sure you have the support of your pastor, if you are a believer. It is important NOT to give your loved one food and water IF she refuses it or simply cannot take it. The body knows how to prepare itself for passing away, and it is important that you do not try to force water. Once you see that she is not eating and drinking and her eyes are at half mast (not closed or fully open) and her mouth is held open trying to breath, death will most likely be near. Sit with her. Tell her you love her often. The hearing is the last to go, so talk to her, even if she cannot respond. Hospice is important at this time, for if you cannot move her into different positions, and she cannot move into different positions on her own, she will develop bed sores, which she will feel. Be as kind as possible at this time. Hug her often. This will not be an easy time for you. I will be praying for you.
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The breathing you describe is Cheyne-Stokes respiration. My mom had it in the last week of her life. I had hospice and she died in her own bed. The hospice nurse was very good at letting me know where mom was in the dying process. She told me on the day that mom died that she thought she'd pass that day and she did, at 11:35 PM that evening.

The nurse said near the end her body would cool down and there would be mottling in her feet, as her heart isn't working as well and the blood isn't circulating properly. I also recommend hospice. They can provide comfort care to both you and your mom. They will let your mom pass at home. When your mom passes, you call them and they handle contacting the funeral home (or cremation service in my case). Hugs to you...this isn't easy.
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I cared for my mom,in my home,until she passed away. I watched her go through the stage that you mentioned. However, it lasted for weeks.. I thought every day was her last. Watch for her finger tips to turn blue and the rattle in her chest. Then you will know she has hours or less left. Even though you know it's coming, it is still a shock and difficult. Try to have close family or a friend with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Gladimhere -- You have provided an excellent description of the services hospice provides. I hope everyone who is considering contacting hospice will do that.
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Praying for you all. This is a great time to tell her what a wonderful mom she was to you. We all want to know we did a good job...it gives her closure...keep lotion on her hands as we ladies love soft hands...my dad loved his hair gently brushed too...just keep reminding her she is loved...
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Yes - hospice is not going to drag her out of her home. But they will help YOU help her through the end of life process. Bring them on board for you - you don't have to wonder and figure this all out yourself.
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Yes hospice she can stay at home we did that with my sister per her requests. So sorry you are having to deal with this I just did with my dad!
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Just one more suggestion- have you made arrangements with a funeral home to retrieve her if she passes?
Please consider that as when/if she passed you may be too distraught but will have to arrange this anyway.
I am sorry about your mother. My prayers are with you.
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And just as important they can offer support for You through what has to be a very scary and emotional time.
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With hospice she can remain at home. My mom had a cna check on her daily, an RN once a week, a social worker for a variety of things, a Chaplin for prayer, and a doctor when necessary. They will help to keep her comfortable and offer you assistance when it is very needed. And it is completely paid for by Medicare. They will also provide a hospital bed, medication, any necessary equipment all paid by Medicare. Her doctor can order a home evaluation to see if she is eligible based on symptomology.
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Hope you get some rest, Missey
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Thank you all, my mother has refused to go into hospital or hospice. She made me promise that she will die at home. I will let the rest of the family know today. Can't thank you all enough. God bless you all
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An evaluation by hospice can answer many of your questions.
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I am with you in this moment I know very well what you going true, I am praying for you in this difficult moment
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Dear Misseygolightly,

I'm very sorry. I know this is an extremely difficult time. I wonder if you should call for an ambulance. I'm not sure what your mom wanted. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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CAll hospice asap to help her and you.
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I would say yes she is actively dying and it could be as soon as tonight. Sounds as though it will be very peaceful. Let family know so they have a chance to say their "goodbyes"
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Sounds like it. Do you have assistance from hospice?
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