Mom passed away after battling dementia and other complications back in December. I was a primary caregiver. We were fortunately able to keep her home and not in a facility. She was bed bound for about a year and I watched her slowly fade away. It's been so hard. I miss her so much. We were very close. About a month ago my aunt passed away suddenly from heart failure. She was my mom's sister, but she was very young and more like a sister to me. She was someone I could share memories with and talk to about missing my mom. She understood how hard it was on me. Now she's gone too. I'm now living with my 90 yr old father and helping him with his needs. I've sunk into a deep hole of sadness and depression. My friends try to get me to do things and go out but I don't feel like it. I don't even want to talk on the phone. I'm a successful sales rep, but now I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to make presentations. I appreciate any suggestions about how I can get a handle on things. I know my mom wouldn't me to live this way.
My brother died in May of this year. He was the most important man in my life throughout my life, was Hansel to my Gretel in the forests of life. I have kept good strength and heart in knowing his life was long, and quality, and there was nothing left unsaid or undone for us, that he was not looking forward to life that had become a long slow slide downward with man losses ahead. And most of all from the good life he led, all he saw in his lifetime. Those years we did not live in the same town or city we always wrote one another long long letter. I continue now to write him (as Joan Didion says, the problem being they don't answer back). I do it in a journal I decorate with pictures of him throughout his life, and collages. It brings me great joy and relief in sad moments. I honor him by living my life with as much joy and strength as I am able. He was always one to make the best of things. I honor him in doing the same.
Sometimes our thinking becomes stuck, or circular. Professionals can help us with that. Sometimes it takes time. And always I would caution to be easy on yourself in times of great grief; it's ok to curl into a fetal ball and mourn; it just isn't OK to STAY there. I wish you the very best. You have a whole mound of loss on your plate. What you are feeling is normal. But GRIEF is hard work. There are things that can and must be done with it. So get the tools you need.
Depression. You should talk to your doctor about this ask for the name of a good therapist. They can see you in person or "virtual" appointment.
Grief. Completely different than depression and a good therapist will help you sort out what is what.
Grief...you "don't get over" you get through it. It is a process and it will take time. For you it may take more time as you are grieving the loss of 2 important people.
Depression..again you don't get "over" it it also is a process and may take medication as well as talking to someone. Do not be resistant to the possibility of medication. You take something when you have a headache, hurt your back why not take something that will help you through this.
If I may make a suggestion. If you can place your dad in Respite for a week that might help you as well. Caregiver burnout is real and you might need a break and let someone care for you. You taking care of yourself is very important. If Respite is not an option then getting someone else in to help you out so you can get a break might help.
I will put a lot of thought in to what you said.
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much with losing your mom. Please know it's normal. You are grieving not only the loss of your mom but, the sudden passing of your aunt just over a month ago. She's part of your mom, as well as you feeling like she was a sister to you. You are overcome with grief for both of them and you are overwhelmed with now taking care of your father. That is a lot to deal with.
As I told someone else today, please don't try and rush the grieving process. Let it ebb and flow naturally. There will be good days and bad days. Allow yourself to cry if you feel the need. I've found that I actually feel better after a good cry - it's like purging all that's going on inside.
I'll be 58 and my mom is 95 with Alzheimer's. She nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID leaving her bedridden when she used to walk on her own and dress herself. She is now on hospice in a memory care unit. I've always been close to my mom too and I dread when that day comes for me. Look at it this way, you've been with your mom for 58 years - how could you possibly expect to get through the grieving period in just 10 months. There's no timetable for grief. My dad died in 2004 when I was 41. He was the first death I actually witnessed. It took me about 7 years to really come to terms with it. I faced it head on. I went to grief support groups, had the hospice counselor work with me one-on-one, went to the cemetery a lot and read a lot of books like "Losing a Parent" just to name one.
Just like "Grandma1954" said - you don't "get over it." At some point, you learn how to integrate it into your life and continue with the rest of your life. I can't think of one person who has energy and enthusiasm after losing a loved one. Please don't be so hard on yourself - you said it yourself "I know my mom wouldn't want me to live this way." You're right, she wouldn't so maybe see it as honoring her and your aunt by trying to get a handle on it. Take one day at a time, one step at a time. I promise you, it won't always be as it is right now - this too shall pass.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself and your father!
Recovering from grief is a process, it doesn't happen overnite. The first step is realizing your mom and aunt have passed away but you haven't. Re-establish friendships. Talk about your feelings to trusted friends it's very theurapeutic. Get some counseling for grief and depression. Find a grief support group. Some churches and even funeral homes offer these. Recall the good times you've had with them.
I lost my wife 2 1/2 yrs ago. The grief is gone, replaced with gratitude and happy memories. One day you'll be able to say your through grieving also. It's a choice.
The pain will go away, the sorrow may last longer and the memories will never fade.
P.S. You're right. Your mom wouldn't want you to live this way.
DLB,
You have poured time, efforts, and love into your relationship with your Mom. Now, there is no place to pour your love into, imo.
Soon, the shock will subside, and soon, you will find your way.
In your own time.
It will not hurt you to force yourself to start to do things with your friends, just going through the motions. Limit the number of people, limit your time out, and accept that it will be unpleasant at first. OK?
💞💕💞💕💞🤗