Refuses to let us help with bills, appts, etc.
My 85 yr old mom, with whom I live (I live in HER house, so there's that dynamic), has many issues, and I've had a rocky relationship with her over my life. I moved to this state 12 yrs ago after a divorce & loss of job, when I was in poor mental health. As I got better, she began having health problems -- heart, arthritis, diabetes, hip[ and knee replacements, that didn't warrant a regular care giver but did mean I act as caregiver during those events, which are increasing. She lost both her sisters in the last 6 months, she was very close to one, and the other, w/whom she had a difficult relationship, took her life. At 80. Since then her mental decline, which I don't think is Alz, but is headed towards dementia, has increased exponentially. Her ST memory is all but gone. BUT she can remember every grievance, grudge & slight she's had over the last 85 yrs.
I think she is depressed. Her mother had significant MH issues, and I've struggled with them my whole life, but she prides herself on NOT being her mom and has never considered having her MH issues dealt with.
I know the signs of depression and recognize them in her since her last, and closest, sister died. Sleeping alot, eating icecream for breakfast, not caring about cleaning (a HUGE difference for her), etc.
My brother (who lives nearby and is The Golden One) and I have met several times to talk about how we approach her, because she is "A Force To Be Reckoned With". We have had 2 talks with her about our concerns re depression and memory loss, and she said she would go to DR, but she has not. She now says she won't. Oh also her driving is getting pretty scary. I suggested she stop driving at night over a year ago. Despite her saying for years "When my children tell me I can't drive I will stop", she hasn't.
I'm looking for resources to help me document and log her decline, as well as how to deal with the anger and frustration of living with and helping her. I am so tired of listening to her complain about her pains and ask why God has it in for her (she's atheist). From my POV she has it pretty good: no fatal disease, a paid for home she lives in, good neighbors who don't hesitate to help when she's needed it, she has great health insurance (something I have gone w/out for the last few yrs) and most importantly an adult, unmarried and childless daughter who lives w/her and cares for her. Something I will not have when I find myself in her position in the years to come.
Sometimes I think about the movie "Gaslight" & think how easier it would be if I could put that into practice. :o) Bills have gone unpaid, she forgets appts and dates, and she quit playing cards a few times a week w/her friends because she was forgetting the bidding and play of the hand, and therefore started to lose more frequently. So she quit. Now she stays home in our small house almost all the time, and says she is happy and look at the money she's saving (she has over $1M in savings & investments, not counting home and other assets. She's not rich, but she is comfortable.)
I need help - what are our legal options? how to insist a parent quit driving and let children help w/bills? How to I care for her w/love when I'm so pissed off at her not letting me do so, other than physically?
Sigh. Sorry this is so long, but this is my first venture out in support groups for aging parents.
But in terms of finances, do you know how to evaluate hers, and yours? And what mom's "safe withdrawal rate" is at her age? Go to www.Bogleheads.org for a complete financial education that will serve you well.
You describe a very entangled and torturous relationship with a very fraught woman. You suspect she may be mentally ill. You suspect you may be descending into your own illness and despair.
I will tell you that there is no way on earth that I can see this getting better. Do you expect some sort of epiphany from your Mother? Do you think that she will become more or less cooperative, agreeable and responsible in the future? My guess would go for "less". Where will that leave you? Right where you are now.
You need now to have your own life. You are staying with your mother, I assume, because you are somewhat dependent on her. You need to leave while the leaving is good, and when finally your mother DOES descend into that very dark side you need not to be a part of it, unless you want to completely resign yourself to no life whatsoever, and no thanks for it EVER.
Sorry to be so tough, but this is a waste of your life, and this decision is YOURS. Don't blame anyone else for what you finally decide now to do with you life. It won't be easy to move on. It will be step by step starting with telling whatever family remains that you will be leaving, and giving a time frame. That includes your mother. Non argumentable and non negotiable. Just a fact. Then you need to work toward a job and a room in the home of someone sane and well. Or you can stay. You can pretty well write the script for where that will go.