I'll start off by saying I have no relationship with my maternal grandmother. It might sound harsh, but she's emotionally abused my mother for her entire life and I decided when I was about 25 that I wasn't going down that same path. She had a hard childhood but refused help along the way and is now 90 and very difficult to get along with. Up until two weeks ago she was living at home with my uncle, but he suddenly passed away. The only family still in the picture is my mom and my aunt, and to a limited extent my sister and a cousin. She's not physically unwell for 90, but panics when she's left alone. Her only bathroom is on the second floor of her house and from what I hear she crawls up and down the stairs because she refuses help. For the time being my mom has been alternating nights up there with my aunt and my cousin but it's emotionally draining for everyone and it's not a long-term solution. I've been trying to research options but we keep going in circles and I was hoping someone else had survived something similar.
A few key points:
-She's not poor. She acts and and looks it, but she's got a decent chunk in the bank. When we told her we were going to start looking for a nursing home she said she wasn't paying for one and that Medicaid should pay but she has too much money to be eligible for Medicaid. She has zero concept of money.
-She has a few memory issues but she's not anywhere near being a danger to herself or other people.
-She doesn't have a primary care doctor.
-She won't spend the money to make her house accessible like adding a downstairs bathroom.
I don't care if we get her a home health aide or put her in assisted living or a nursing home, I just want someone else to take care of her. She's so weird about money I'm worried that she'll do something that will impact my parents' finances. Since she doesn't have a doctor to start the process, I looked at getting her declared legally incompetent, but it looks like that requires a guardian. No one wants any legal responsibility for her, and I can't figure out if she can be a ward of the state with living relatives.
I want to have some options researched so when my mom is ready to talk, I have things ready to move, but I don't even know where to start. Who should I be talking to?
If your mom, her sister, and cousin don't want to care for her, then they need to set the boundaries and tell her. THEY need to walk away, then wait for a crisis to put her in the hospital. At that point, they can tell the medical folks she has nowhere safe to return to, and that'll start the wheels in motion to place her somewhere.
If no one has power of attorney (POA) for her, there's really nothing much they can do regarding her care or finances. Whether it affects your parents' finances is up to them. There is nothing SHE can do to affect them.
Just bow out of this. Your family is capable of finding out options. Suggest an elder law attorney to those who will be monitoring the end of grandmother's life.
Go on with your life. You will only end blamed and used in this whole thing.
A lot of us are in limbo, waiting for our elderly family member to be hospitalized, because that's your best shot to get someone put into a nursing home or assisted living. At that point you can refuse to take her home and tell the hospital it's not safe to release her and they will have to find placement for her. But that can happen if and only if she's incompetent, and making crappy decisions isn't enough.
You absolutely have no obligation for you or your mom to care for her, but other than being supportive you can't control your mom either. However there is a lot you can learn, so when the time comes you know what the options are! I would definitely spend some time reading through this website and forum, which you can search by topic.
You don't need a doctor to start the process. I didn't. I just had to wait for my Mom to have a medical emergency where 911 was called and Mom was admitted to the hospital. In my Mom's case, it was a very serious fall at her house. The hospital later transferred her to Rehab. Turned out the brain trauma from the fall had caused Mom to now be in late stage dementia. Thus, Mom never went home. She spent her final months in the nursing home.
As said, you may have to wait for something to happen. Have her evaluated then for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, have her placed in an AL and use her money or LTC using her money. When gone, apply for Medicaid. You could let the State take over as guardians bit that means the will be in charge of her money and care. Someone could get conservatorship. That entailed handling her money but I don't think you are responsible for her in any other way. When the money is gone the conservator can walk away.
If she is sent to a hospital you have her evaluated there. If found she is 24/7 care, you tell them there is no one capable of caring for her or will oversee her care. She will not be able to return to her home it would be an "unsafe discharge". Then make arrangements to transfer her to an AL or LTC right from the hospital or Rehab.
What could have been done when Uncle passed was to have called in APS that a vulnerable woman was alone after the death of her son. You may still be able to do this since its only been 2 wks sighting that her children cannot care for her 24/7. Ask if APS can evaluate the her for placement in an AL or LTC. I would not go the way of hiring aides.
Someone though, will need to get conservatorship to handle her finances. You should be able to deduct the cost and lawyers cost from Gma's acct. A question for a lawyer.