I am a caregiver for two 78 year olds, who live together, but are not a couple (lifelong friends). I have been caring for them full time for 3.5 years. Since the second week of December, I have been working 80+ hours a week (I am not a live in caregiver as there is not room for me) without a day off since 12/10/22. I am somewhat of a reluctant caregiver, in that I never wanted to do this, but for years felt a moral obligation to these folks. The lady was something of a mentor for me. For the last 1.5 years, I tell them I must move on to another career, as there just isn't any future for me as a caregiver. The old man is very stubborn and refuses to allow anyone but myself into the home. He is also the one who needs the most assistance, as he suffers from amyloidosis and CKD. At the beginning of my care, he was stage 3. Now, after years of a proper diet, which I prepare, he is stage 1b. I told the lady, late summer/very early fall, that I would be leaving by December 1. On 11/22, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Because of this, I agreed to stay two more months. She had a mastectomy three weeks later, and I slept on an air mattress at the foot of her bed for her two weeks of recovery. That was the only place to put the mattress as the old man has his house so stuffed full of belongings that I had nowhere else. The lady is also a hoarder herself. She has been known to hoard garbage and just about anything else she can get her hands on. This was actually the genesis of our relationship; she frequented a restaurant I was a waiter in, and I'd help her to her car and could not believe how she had so much trash crammed inside. It was even worse when I saw her home (a motel suite near the restaurant). It has been a struggle to control this behavior. I was out with COVID last year and the mess I returned to was unbelievable. I am in the midst of such a moral dilemma; I fear that if I leave, they will not find proper care. I should also mention that I am not even compensated the full amount for what full time caregivers generally receive in my area, and as said, I am always over 80 hours (11-12 a day, minimum) on top of being called out after I've returned home, or hours before my "shift" begins (just two days ago, the lady was sick and what we thought was just chemo side effects was actually pneumonia and she was rushed to the doctor who gave her steroids for this). She has a 40-year-old son who has lived abroad and has not been home in the 13 years I've known her. He and his wife and two children live on her dime, in a home paid for by her and the old man, typically a miser, even chipped in 80 grand towards this home (in Melbourne Australia, very HCOL area). This son of hers has never even sent me an email, much less, called me. I've always been bothered by this as I would want to know the person caring for my mother, though hopefully that will be me. The old man is desperate to keep me, even offering me his home when he passes. I declined this anyway, only to find out he can't bequeath the place to me because he put the lady on the deed and she flat out said "no". I don't want the place anyhow, I just want out. Despite not being a couple, their finances are so intertwined and often argue about the amount sent overseas (her son has never worked and at 40 is still a dependent on his mom's taxes). The man wants to pay me 10k a month, but I just want peace and I can only get this by leaving. I just don't know what to do; I'm afraid bad things could happen (falls, injuries in general, being taken advantage of by someone else) and I am very worried that if they don't get someone, I could be charged with abandonment. I just don't know and I feel as though I'm dying from stress at the thought of all of this. They haven't even found respite care for me to have a day off, how will they find anyone to replace me for good? Apologies for the long post and gratitude to whoever reads it. I could really use some guidance.
Do you have someplace to go to?
I think you need to start by getting in touch with the local Area Agency on Aging and getting these folks a "needs assessment".
You have no obligation, legal or moral to these folks. Start from that so that you are clear-headed in deciding what direction to take.
Both their mental and medical needs are greater than you should be shouldering at this point.
You can start by looking for resources that will help both of them.
Try:
Local Senior Center. Many have Social Workers that can help with other resources.
Area Agency on Aging.
American Cancer Society.
both of these may also have local resources.
If either one of them is a Veteran contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission. (Each County has at least 1 office). Another contact would be Your States Department of Veterans' Affairs.
Your State has a 800 Elder Abuse Hotline. Call that and report Vulnerable Seniors. That call can also be made to APS.
A call to the local or County Health Department might also be in order if the Hoarding is as bad as you indicate.
Your guilt is causing you to be paralyzed in this decision -- yet you have nothing to feel guilty about, even leaving. Two people now require way too much care for 1 person to give. That's a fact. You've done yeoman's work for these past years (also a fact). Now it's time to take care of yourself before it's too late.
You sound like a very kind and caring man, but you are WAY in over your head with these folks, and the stress is getting to be just too much.
You MUST start looking out for yourself, and start looking for another job, with more normal hours. One where you can actually have a life as you don't really have one now.
You realize that you don't owe these folks anything right? You have done more than anyone I know ever would have, and now it's time for you to move on and start living and enjoying your life.
These folks have too many issues for just one person to deal with, and it's time you make them realize that.
And since it sounds like the children are of no use, the state more than likely will have to take over with their care and their affairs. And that is ok, as they are not your responsibility. You know that right? You have done what you could and now it's time for someone else to take over. Someone more qualified.
So after calling APS, walk away with your head held high, knowing that you did everything in your power to help them for as long as you did.
And get out there and start taking care of yourself, and enjoying your life. You can do it!!!
Tell them they are vulnerable adults.
Guilt is self-imposed. You have done nothing wrong. These people are not relatives they are clients. They, at least him, need more care than any aide can give. You need to move on to plan ur future. You have done more than enough.
What do you suppose happens to people who have no children, and who do not have someone like you to depend upon? In general, they find care.
I am afraid that you are enabling these two not to seek the care they need. And whether they DO seek it or not, you are not obligated to care for them. Why would you be obligated to work for people in these conditions because you were once their waiter? I cannot imagine such a thing.
You tell us that you are not getting paid, and then you up and tell us that you have refused to be paid when the old man offered you 10,000 a month.
My advice to you is get a care contract done by an elder law attorney for that 10,000 a month, and continue the care OR give this couple notice of your last day. It is really that simple. Unless YOU YOURSELF make it not that simple.
This is your choice. You are a full participant in this. The hoarding and squalid conditions, the stubbornness, the fact that the son has long ago given up and washed his hands of this mess--NONE of that is going to change.
There is nothing we here can do but give you our advice and our opinion. Only you can change this. I think that you should do some serious self-examination for your own life ongoing, and understand that a part of not moving on and out of this is your own fear.
Do not be a martyr; you have done enough. All the best.