Losing it. How can someone exhibit one set of behaviors to her own kids and a clearly different pattern with the daughter-in-law?

Since the sons are supposed to do the caregiving, so be it. Go with that. Tell hubby that she expects him to do it, upsets her and you when you participate. Tell him he can handle her requests. She'll be happy and won't have to berate you for anything. As soon as you sit down to eat, don't let her think you cooked - say something about how wonderful the meal looks that sonny made for you, mom.

Then you need to learn to disappear so that when mom needs something, you aren't in earshot. Let hubs be the gopher.

Of course there may be times when you need to assist, and you should, to help hubby. Just make it as minimal as possible.

Well, I have a M I L who is from another culture. I won't say which so as not to sound racist. She is a nasty old bi*ch but I think it's just who she is and it has nothing to do with where she is from. I have nothing to do with her. I've been with my spouse for almost 28 years now and I told him almost 28 years ago that I would never live with her no matter what the circumstances were. In short, I knew pretty quickly she and I would never be friends and nipped it in the bud so to speak. Some may say I jumped the gun but hey, I have had 28 years of relative peace because of it. Like Maya Angelou says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

My advice to you, give up on her. Tell your husband you won't put up with her any more and make other arrangements. Life is too short to let a poisonous person ruin your life.

My husband has Dementia let me tell you she is playing you big time . Real dementia people can’t tell the difference in who is who . They treat everyone the same . And Why is your husband letting her treat you this way culture be damned . You are his wife . He is suppose to take your side not mommas . I would put my foot so far up his butt . She is completely spoiled the next time she complains about your food get up pick up her plate and throw it in the trash and walk out of the room . Do it every time she complains. And why in the world would you let her insult your mother and drive her out of your house . I would have put her in her place the minute she started talking. I find it amazing how woman let people walk all over them .
If your mother in law treats her own daughters better good let them take care of her PERIOD nothing you do is good enough it’s not appreciated, they could care less so why on earth put your self through the torture of taking care of such an ungrateful old woman. She should be in a care facility not ruining your life.
sorry but I find it so unnerving when I hear of good people like you that are taking care of someone so their family members don’t have to be bothered . Stand up for yourself you deserve a life God bless

She’s clearly a narcissist and that’s a losing argument.
Save yourself, and place her where she’ll get care by people who can walk away, and not let it steal their joy.
You’ve done all you can.
You’re a wonder daughter.
They get worse as they age, and she will literally make you sick.
Do not allow her to make you feel guilty either.
Go live your life and be well~

It is the disease - true and absolutely useless to say as an aid for your stress.
I suspect DIL is treated differently because she is an outsider - long term memories, e.g. when growing up remain, but newer ones are lost first. So poor DIL doesn't belong.
It isn't much consolation to know that this stage will pass, as it will mean your mother has deteriorated mentally, but it will happen.
What your mother feels or expresses feeling about any situation is far less important than the relationship and understanding between your generation of the family. Can you have a sit down and discuss with them the position and mother's behaviours? If you can all be in agreement that it is not personal but is the disease, and the regression to those she feels safe with because of the long term memories, and how things were when she was a child, you can all be supportive of each other and make joint decisions on care, feel able to talk honestly about your feelings with each other. Best wishes to you all.

Imho, it is oftentimes quite common for the caregiver to be treated like the "proverbial chopped liver," if you will by the elder, but you do not have to tolerate acrimony.

Consider putting "limits" on her unacceptable behavior since it stresses everybody out. Please read one of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud to learn strategies for dealing with her problem behaviors. Another option is to talk to her doctor about her problem behaviors in order that the doctor may prescribe treatment - medication and/or therapy.

Lor, your MIL may well be right about saying that in ‘the culture that we come from, only sons are supposed to take care of parents’. There are some countries where son will get the family home when father dies, and mother gets a slave as daughter-in-law. I am sure you know that ‘bride-burnings’ over dowry anger are frequently initiated by MIL.

If you are now in the USA, that is not the culture, and MIL should not insist on living by it. Nor should DH, nor should her own daughters (by that culture, they are now responsible for their own MILs and husbands, not her).

It might be worth thinking about a whole-family discussion, with your sisters-in-law and their husbands (potentially some from a more modern culture) as well as your own husband. It needs to talk through the cultural expectations, how they are playing out for you, and how you can deal with it together. Your problems may be invisible to your SILs and BILs. They need to step up to the plate, not just to believe MIL’s ‘dump’ allegations.

This certainly doesn’t sound like ‘the disease’, and you shouldn’t put up with it unless you know. Perhaps DH can arrange for MIL to have a base-line assessment to find out. It's a good idea, not a punishment or an insult, and might affect your ability to cope with her behavior. Think seriously about your own options, before the family meeting, because this is only going to get much worse if ‘the disease’ does kick in.

The problem here isn’t how your MIL treats people, the problem is that you are being taken advantage of. You husband needs to stand up to his sisters and work out a schedule where mother is cared for equally by all. Not you primarily. Either that or arrangements need to be made to being in help or find a AL or Nursing Home for her.

Tell her that her daughter in laws husbands make make the decision of what nursing home she will go to. Or stop helping her.

Bad behavior is inexcusable, the wretch is lucky to have you, but perhaps you should drop her like a bad nightmare. Good luck.

Nevermind about what her culture expects it's affecting your life right now and this could go on for many years. Then what? Her own daughters need to take responsibility and your husband should be addressing that as this is a very unfair situation.

I am presently looking after my very demanding 90 year old mother who is constantly putting me down and accusing me daily of all sorts, it's exhausting. She treats my sister very differently who takes no part in looking after her but gave her grandchildren. I have made a decision that I'm entitled to a life and I want that chance now (I'm 64) I've been putting it off for the last 20 years and it's just getting harder. My sis is going to have to get involved or mum is going into care and that will mean selling some of her assets, something I know my sis and bro-in-law won't want as there will be no money for them once she's gone. The big losers in this scenario are always the caregivers and that's not right. Change can only happen when you say enough is enough. Then your true worth will finally be realised.

Your mil sounds like an ordinary, obnoxious, nasty, controlling, old woman. Do u live in America? In this culture all ppl are created equal (well, work in progress) and in my thinking, equals should share adult responsibility - equally.
This is so disrespectful to you. She's probably using her children to reign over you, and they are unwittingly letting her. Time to unionize!

Okay, breath, I'm so pissed at them. Let me share something that I don't usually talk about.

Many, many years ago, my mil phoned me asking to go to Costco & then lunch with her that day. My son was about 6 months old, I was only working part-time, and my husband & I were poor as the little church mice. I told her that it just wasn't in our budget, but she insisted that I finish feeding the baby, and come along. She'd treat me to lunch!

Two long hours later, we sat down to eat in a taco place. She ordered her food, looked me in the eyes, and boldly asked for separate checks! You see, she was so disappointed that I wasn't working a better job that she wanted to teach me a lesson. Cold crap, right? It wasn't the first judgemental insult or the last.

Forty years later she lives with us and has severe dementia. Her daughter is nowhere to be found (a blessing, actually). Mil has always been polite while living here. She never complains. She ate anything I fixed her, and thanked me for it. However, she has terrible table manners due to her many health problems. It was really tough to sit through meals with her, and I often lost my appetite for the meal I just prepared.

Long story short, she ended up with a percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy, a feeding tube inserted surgically into the stomach, and she will spend the rest if her life on liquid food. She doesn't understand that her nutrition comes directly into her stomach, so she thinks she's starving. Its been torture for her to be in our house at dinner time. She hears all the sounds, smells all the food, but can never have solid foods again.

I've probably said enough now. I do believe your kindness and pain is seen by the one that counts. Its not right what is happening to you and your family. Your mil needs to be demoted as reigning queen. (((Take care)))

"I am surprised to know that dementia people can have manipulative behaviour with selective people..."

It's good that you came to this site to ask your questions. Absolutely they can behave differently to different people. Most often the vitriol is directed at the care-giver. This includes mothers treating their own daughters that way, if they happen to be the care-giver.

My former MIL passed years ago, but although she never directed a lot of anger or nastiness towards me, I was more or less a non-entity. I was the vessel that brought fourth the grandchildren, something she LIVED for, because her mother died young and never had that. I could be mid-sentence and realize she wasn't listening, she was focused on my toddler daughter. I stopped talking and she never came back to ask what I was saying. Yes, people lose focus, but most will realize it and ask what you were saying. Not this one! We divorced when the kids were young, so thankfully I had little to do with her.

My mother lived alone until we moved her to MC. Unless she happened to think of it, the accusations were sparse. I didn't catch on the few times she did this, because I knew nothing about dementia and hadn't realized until later that she was going down that path. It was only in retrospect that the theft accusations made sense. I could partially buy that she thought a painter was taking some broken jewelry, but not really. However when she accused my OB of taking her tweezers during an extended visit (he isn't local, so he and his family stayed with her), I was totally baffled...until later. I bought her another to stop her whining. On cleaning out her place, I found THREE in the bathroom drawer and another 5-6 in the dresser drawer!

It is so bizarre how this messes with their minds. In your case, it sounds like this woman disliked you before the dementia. It would also be interesting to really find out what goes on at the daughter's place - if it's so great there, why would she want to come back to your place? They say she complains that you dumped her there, but if she hates you/your home so much, why would she want to come back??? She may not be as bad with them, but she's probably bad enough in other ways that they don't want to deal with her. You have taken her in, so they can just "dump" her back in your lap.

Standing up to her may or may not work. If she has short term memory loss, all too often anything said or done is forgotten, sometimes very quickly. My mother would repeat the same statements or questions multiple times within minutes, despite getting responses or answers. Hard as it is to listen to this crap, it's better if you can try to tune it out. You can't really argue or reason with dementia (you can, but it will only anger and frustrate you!) It would be better to have the talk with your husband and find ways to distance yourself from interaction with her. If she can afford to pay for a facility, that would be a better option, but some can't afford it and/or some adult children can't make that move. Cultural norms and all that.

YOU need a break from the care-giving. Find outlets for yourself and do things alone if you have to. We all need our own space and none of us need to be the target of the flamethrower all day every day. To push the point home, go stay in a hotel for a week, if you can, and let hub deal with her. He may suddenly have an epiphany...

I am of the belief that I do not care what is wrong physically or mentally, that does not ever - no matter what - justify rudeness and horrible behaviors to anyone. Medication and doctors must get involved and also specific boundaries must be set in stone - and they can be difficult to enforce but they must be put in place. When the behaviors are horrible, the person must be made to stop - it simply will not be tolerated or allowed. There are ways to do this. It is quite obvious she is having a very negative effect on some members of the family - horrible. I think it is time for a family meeting that she should be placed into facility where she cannot complain and be ugly and no one should allow her to do this. I don't care about customs, etc. - she is reaping what she s sowing and should be removed. In the meantime, you should treat your family with respect and kindness and set a good example. I don't think she deserves the help from the family that she has gotten with her behavior. It has to be stopped - culture or not be dammed.

Being a daughter-in-law can be very difficult if the mother-in-law is not a kind person. Sons have a special bond with their mothers in most cultures, and it is best not to create conflict with a mother-in-law. The problem is not with you, you are doing everything right. Try not to let her get into your head. That's what your husband means when he says to ignore her comments. You are being a good daughter-in-law. She is not well mentally, and dementia does not get better, it may get worse. Can you speak to a local social worker or therapist to get help learning how to deal with her so that she will not be able to "yank your chain"? Get connected with local caregiving groups to get some tips on how to handle her. Keep being a kind person yourself, so that you can be proud of yourself. Good luck!

Before it destroys your marriage, If she really is treating just the daughter in laws bad and you see she is able to treat others nice,
then she may know exactly what she is doing.

You should have a heart to heart talk with her and tell her that she doesn't have to love you or even like you, but she does have to be nice and respectful to you, if she wants you to continue helping her.

If not, let her know you will not be helping her.

Tell her what her other options would be like living in a Senior Home or rather it's custom or not, she can go live at her daughter's home.

you might have a family meeting and suggest you MIL stays at each of her children's home equally so all the burden isn't put on you.

You might even take a vacation to visit your family and leave the care up to your husband and he can see first hand how hard it is being a Caregiver.

Can she afford to go live in a Senior place?

When my mom had Alzheimer's, she could be rude to my husband and me, over the same behaviors you mention: accusations of stealing, rummaging through her purse ( with $5 in it and a lipstick), etc, but when we were out in public, (usually in Publix, a neighborhood grocery store), she was kind to everyone she met. I have read that this is quite common, so I tried not to take her insults personally. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I came up with the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) My mom would never insult anyone about anything before Alzheimer's hit, but once it took hold, she could be derogatory towards me about everything and nothing. Hubby and I just tried to find a sense of humor about things when we could, for the sake of our own sanity.

I feel your pain!

My MIL has been, over the years, increasingly hateful and downright cruel to me.

Ended up with her screaming (yes, dramatic screaming) at me to stop talking, stop coming to see her--didn't I KNOW how much she hated me? Just "SHUT UP!!"

It was like a lightbulb went on over my head. WHY, indeed did I continue to go to her home, fix things, listen to her hateful and nasty comments about MY family and her ex-husband's family?

I got up, slapped her on the back and said "V, I am giving you the best gift you ever got. I am leaving and I will NEVER speak to you again. OK? That make you happy?" I took a Diet COke from the fridge and slammed my way out the back door.

B/C Dh and she are both functionally deaf, I know they neither one, really heard me.

And it has been a lovely year. I have not spoken to her for over a year. A she will live forever, I would not be surprised if she outlives my DH and me both.

She is peaches and cream to her daughter and her daughter's kids. She tells anyone with ears how horrible I am.

Until I stood up to her, and I will admit, I was beyond angry at this point, I didn't swear at her--just spoke very loudly and very strongly.

I'd like to say it changed things, but it really didn't. DH cannot understand WHY I won't just sit at her kitchen table and take her vitriol endlessly. After all, she's OLD.

Well, 46 years ago when I joined this mess of a family, she was NOT old and just as mean.

DH is 100% unsupportive and thinks I owe her an apology. Never. He does not stand up for me, in fact, I think he LOVES that she has a whipping post.

It's not a cultural thing for us--it's a mama's boy letting his wife take the beating. I stood up for myself 45 years too late to change anything.

My understanding is that dementia only reveals what a person truly is underneath all of the social veneer.

She has never been kind to you, now that behavior has no filter.

I think that we should always tell people that depend on us, when their behavior is unacceptable. Telling her to stop...be nice...keep her mouth closed if she can't be nice...etc, is totally okay. Nobody has the right to be abusive.

You can always tell your husband to take care of his mom, completely take care of her, from wiping her butt to doing her laundry and everything in between. This might get him to say enough is enough and come up with a different plan.

My family started in on any new member and when they started that with my husband, whom had never done anything to them and was/is wonderful to me, I made it clear that I would totally and completely disconnect from them if they didn't stop with the ugliness and treat him kindly. Now that my mom is getting old she has way more care and respect for him than anyone else on the planet and I believe that it is because she had to be nice or go home.

People treat others in ways that they can get away with.

Your (MIL) monster in law has been allowed to treat her DILs, in her mind doormat in laws as doormats without any repercussions. Time for her to get her care from the children she has been kind to.

If you all refuse to be treated like doormats and make her sons step up and deal with her, you will find things changing. I would tell my husband that it is not fair to her to have someone she dislikes so much, deal with her most intimate needs. It must be so degrading to have someone you hate change your diaper. (Yep, some reverse psychology aka passive aggressive behavior.)

Stand up for yourself and stop being this old bats scratching post.

To answer your question, you should put her in her place and tell her that she needs to behave graciously in YOUR home or get out. If she demands that it is the sons responsibility, see above about it being his responsibility.

Lor1234,

Sometimes people with dementia can "showtime". This means they can keep their behavior in check and appear pretty normal for short periods of time and for certain people like their doctors, friends, even some family members. Some elderly with dementia can showtime so well they even put one over on their doctors.
Your MIL's own daughters don't want to keep her because in all likelihood she starts off well enough with them (showtiming). After some time passes, she can't keep it up and the reality comes out. Then she gets dropped off back at your place or with one of the other daughters-in-law. I suppose you could call it 'selective dementia' like you said. That's as good a term as 'showtiming'. It's the same thing really.
Whatever her abusive behavior is called, it is still adversely affecting your home and the lives of you and your family.
If putting her into a care facility is not an option the family will consider right now, there needs to be some other kind of plans made. Like no family member has to have her in their home for more than a week at a time.
Everyone, that is the whole family, has to stop tolerating her abusive behavior in silence and just sucking it up. From what you say here about her the dementia is obviously not so advanced that she has no self-awareness or control. So every time the snide and abusive behavior starts up, shut it down. When she starts up complaining about the food your husband cooks (and if he's Indian I know his dishes will be good) tell her if she doesn't like it she can go hungry. Take her plate off the table if you have to.
When the stealing accusations start up tell her no one wants her clothes and that you're not a security guard hired to guard her possessions. When any of her abusive behavior starts, shut it down fast. Don't stay silent and just take it.
Let your new motto be:

"If you don't like here at my home, get the hell out".

You and the rest of the family likely see her abusive behavior diminish considerably and improve if all of you, her sons and daughters included, make it known to her that her behavior will not be tolerated.

This is why couples end up in marriage counseling and sometimes divorced. Caregiving causes more destruction than people realize. If people want to criticize, let them take over. Sometimes that is what it takes.

Don’t judge someone unless you walk in their shoes. Let those who tell you to ignore things take care of momma! Broken brain or not, everyone has their limits. Seems like you have reached your limit.

Either take action or walk out. Yeah, yeah, yeah…all the people that stay in marriages no matter what will come after me but the way I see it is, only stay in a marriage that is worth saving. Otherwise, walk out and never look back.

I believe in marriage. I have been married 43 years but if I didn’t feel like I was in a good marriage, I would leave. It’s up to your husband to end this cycle.

I was a caregiver for my mom for many years. I know that marriages take a hit. It’s added stress to a relationship, even if a parent isn’t in the home. My husband was wonderful and supportive during my caregiving years, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t feel the negative effects of being a caregiver’s spouse. It’s hard on everyone!

Is your DH sympathetic to your problem? If so, explain what you said here and that responses from the forum say that because she can pick and choose that its not Dementia. If it is, its the very beginnings.

You and he need to sit down with u two on one side of the table and her on the other. This way she sees you united. Then tell her the nastiness has to stop. That she lives in your home. You don't need her, she needs you. Tell her if things don't change, you will need to make other arrangements for her. This should come from her son. I hope she has been in this country for more than five years so she can get medicaid and other benefits.

I can't imagine any culture that thinks it OK for a mother/MIL to be nasty to those who are giving her a roof over her head and caring for her. I would think as the man of the house the son has the right to tell Mom she needs to respect his wife. This is not disrespecting his Mom. She is being disrespectful to her sons by the way she treats their wives.

Funny/not funny, but my mother has a 'broken brain' too yet she is sweet as sugar to her caregivers in her Memory Care AL and as nasty as can be with ME. She has moderately advanced dementia, yet knows FULL WELL who she can push around and who she can't. She knows how to push my buttons *because she installed them* and loves nothing better than to get me riled up! Yet, others think she's the bees knees!

Yes, they DO know how to manipulate EVEN WITH dementia, I don't care who tells you otherwise.

Set down some boundaries with your MIL and let her know it's NOT OKAY to treat you like a piece of dirt under her feet. Even if you have to tell her the same thing over and over again, stand your ground. She has a broken brain and you can be a broken record. And where's your DH in all this? Has he ever heard of standing up for his wife? It's time for him to send mother on her way when she starts ragging on his wife. You'll be surprised how quickly she'll catch on to the fact that she has to play NICE if she wants to be a GUEST in your home. That's what guests do: they act civilized.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Well, I am not a good caregive and I do not ignore things, I confront and my filter is completely gone. So, the truth is just because you feel a certain way and express it, it will not make your life easier but it feels good and it is not for the faint at heart. You will be treated like crap, lied about worse and can drive you crazy.

There are a few things that stand out in your post, first daughters bring her back when she b*****s about dumping. I heard that too. The truth was the "family" could not handle the crap, lied and then told her and the worker to lie about the "accidents" but they did not want the burden, they just wanted to play both sides of the fence.

Second, your culture states son should take care of mom. So, let him do it all, go visit your mom.

So you and another DIL provide most of the caregiving for MIL? Does she live in your home most of the time?

May I ask a question? Is your MIL from India by any chance? Treating daughters-in-laws like they're dirt and expecting them to basically become slaves to a MIL often happens in some cultures.
Your MIL behaves abusively to her daughters-in-law because they are safe targets for her. If she's able to keep her nasty behavior and viciousness in check with everyone else, then it's not dementia. It's not "the disease" as your husband says. If it was she would not be able to pick and choose who will get her abuse, nor would she be able to control herself. I'll be willing to bet all of your sisters-in-law tolerate her abuse and never speak up. MIL needs to learn that her abusive behavior towards you and your sisters-in-law might fly where she comes from, but it sure doesn't in the United States or any other western country. The truth of the matter to me sounds like your MIL is really just an a**hole. Treat her like one then.
You don't allow her behavior to continue, especially the way she treated your mom when she was visiting. I would throw that b*tch in the street and no mistake. You should too.
Stop tolerating her abuse. When she start up at your house, give it right back to her. Let her know that she can get the hell out of your house and not come back if she can't behave herself.
Then tell your husband he can follow her if he thinks you're going to tolerate MIL's abuse.
Share this message with your sisters-in-law too.

Time for a good chat with your Husband.

When MIL's care needs exceed what you as daughter-in law can or are willing to do - what's the next plan?

Each family differs of course - some may say their limit is wandering, or incontinence, or requiring lifting aides, needing 24 hr supervision, or physical aggression.

My limit would have stopped back at any verbal aggression. Done. Re-house your Mother.

You say she has moderate dementia. So, you know her brain is broken. You ask if you "should just put her in her place..." and then what? Do it all over again the next day when she probably forgets it all? Like Groundhogs Day. There are cultural pressures at work in many families but still you and your husband do not need to accept them. No one should "assume" someone else into a caregiving role they don't want. I think you need to have a discussion with your husband about what you are and are not willing to do. You and your husband are each other's primary priority -- not his mom. As her dementia worsens, bouncing your MIL between her other children's homes will be very disorienting to her and will likely worsen her behaviors. It's not a long-term strategy. I think you, your husband and his family need to talk to each other and also learn more about dementia. Teepa Snow has some very informative videos on YouTube that will help as well as many books found on Amazon. I wish you all the best as you move through this journey together.

Well you sound like a saint to me. When your mom comes to visit and hopefully she will come back, tell the daughters and especially tell your husband, they have to keep MIL with them.

I think elders lose their filters as they become very old. You don’t say, but she doesn’t sound that old.
She probably felt the same way before the dementia, but without the filters perhaps made worse by the dementia, her behavior is worse.

Your husband (and whoever else is going along with her acting out) needs to also acknowledge that the disrespect you are being shown in your home and by your loved ones is damaging to your health. It is like a cancer eating at your peace of mind and joy in life. You matter too. Your life is important. You don’t deserve to live like this. she takes such good care of herself she can put you in the grave.
She can call it dumping or whatever she wants to call it but you need time away from her. Scheduled, predictable time when you can enjoy your life.
Maybe you will develop your own malady. One that causes you to forget how to cook when she is in your home.