My husband and I have taken care of his mother until November of last year. She didn't want to live alone, was afraid that she couldn't handle her home. So, we sold our home eight years ago and came to live with her. She has dementia, but refuses to acknowledge there are any problems-(and won't see a doctor, only sees a nurse practioner who is too busy to take the time to refer her, although he has noticed the symptoms). Over the past couple of years, things just got progressively worse. She would misplace items and then accuse me of stealing them. When we would find the missing items, she accused me of hiding them to make her think she was crazy. Then, she started giving things away (sending them to her other son, David, a convicted sexual predator who lives in Washington) then accusing not only me, but my husband of stealing from her. The other son, David, has stolen from her repeatedly over the years; even broke into her home while she was attending the funeral of her 2nd husband. I have never met the other son-(in 18 years of marriage), but know how he has treated both his mother and my husband.
10 years ago, she was terrified that she would "lose her mind", as her mother had, and become easy pickings for her other son. She took steps to ensure that she would not fall victim to David-(changed the will and signed over house to my husband) but neglected the important stuff, like medical POA. Now, she is in constant contact with David, sending him money almost daily-(she used to send money orders, now she wires money). He is obviously trying to suck her dry. In the meantime, WE are the one being accused of taking advantage of her!!
SO, in November of last year, we moved out. Emotionally, I was worn out and the stress was taking a physical toll on me. While packing, she picked up a bat and tried to hit my husband with it. She was furious that he would leave her. We then made an appointment with Adult Protective Services to try to stop David from taking advantage of her. They were of no help at all.
So, fast forward 8 months. Several months ago, she starting leaving ranting messages on my husbands phone-(she was going to sue us for trying to make her think she was crazy). We struggled with what she said her wishes were 10 years ago; not wanting to be another of David's victims. Now, her wishes are to take care of David. After meeting with a counselor who said that even if she was crazy, she had the right to do whatever she wants, we signed the house back over to her and have had no contact with her.
This situation suits me just fine. She has always been a bitter, mean woman. However, this is my husband's mother and he struggles every day with this enormous guilt that he is allowing his mother to be taken advantage of and he feels that he should be caring for her. He was hoping that if she saw that he want nothing from her, she would realize that he acts out of love and responsibilty for her.
I know I am rambling/venting a bit. I was just curious if anyone else has been in this situation. If they have been, how do you maintain distance without feeling this overwhelming guilt? IS there an answer?
However, I don't see anything in these 2 verses that say you have to LIVE TOGETHER! (it's okay to hire it out!)
Sub-contract!
I've had guys like "David" try to get their hooks into Mom and they KNOW how to play Mom better than I do! (I think the jailbirds sit on their butts in jail and compare notes!)
I'd say you need to be FULLY INVOLVED with FULL AUTHORITY or not at all.
If you're not careful, ol' Dave will bleed her dry and she'll be coming to live with you, and David will come with her!
By the way, ramble here and figure out how to explain your thoughts with the least words for doctors, lawyers, POLICE, etc. (words like dementia and Alzheimer's they understand... terms like "Borderline Personality Disorder" will draw a blank, disinterested look every time! Really! They'll write you off and walk for the door!)
Somehow none of this seems particularly relevent to lenzeme's husband, who has tried his utmost to extend care to his mother who resolutely rejects his efforts.
That gives some safeguards with accountability to you, AND keeps the riff-raff at bay when they see the checks have to have 2 signatures!
Cheating on your taxes, so other people have to carry your share
Cheating on a spouse
Bopping a little ol lady over the head and stealing her purse
Pushing Grandpa down the stairs in a fit of rage
Bleeding your mother dry with no intention of paing her back and no remorse
Do you see what these things in common? The intention to cause harm to others or acting in selfishness without regard to whether it causes others harm.
So, ask your husband, has he earned the right to the guilt he is feeling? Sad? Sure. Frustrated? You bet. Angry? Probably. But guilt? I don't get it. He is not "allowing" his mother to be taken advantage of. She is. And yes, she may not be of sound judgement. But short of proving that and getting guardianship, I'm not sure what you can do. It is not as if you both shrugged and said, oh well, too bad, but we don't care. You made attempts to protect her from herself.
If you can think of other things to try, fine, go ahead and try them -- or not. But either way, lose the guilt. It just isn't appropriate to this situation.
At this point, she is so angry at my husband for leaving that she won't talk to either of us. I can't see any way to do something sneaky.
Because of HIPPA, he wasn't able to really converse with me, but for the first time I think he listened. I told him about the behaviors that had led us to leave the situation; I told him about the possible elder abuse by David; and I told him that she was in need of help. I just hope he realizes it and refers her to a physician who can help.
However, I am VERY afraid that what Hank predicted-(David will take her to the cleaners then dump her with us) will come true. The only saving grace is that she is not wealthy by any means, but she does have a very secure monthly income. That should keep him from dumping her. She has no assets, other than the house.
Great idea on learning the language to speak to law enforcement, DHS, etc. Without a concrete medical diagnosis, it has been difficult to explain her situation, so would be very beneficial.
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