This is so heartbreaking for me right now. We have to sell my Mom's house to pay for assisted living and I live with her now. She is getting paranoid, thinks I am trying to "put her away" ect. I wanted her to stay in her own home but the other siblings decided AL was the way to go and I went with the majority. Truthfully I was getting burned out but I got very little respite for the 3 years I have been her caregiver. Now my sibs have arranged for a beautiful and very expensive AL for her but she does not want to go and is blaming it on me. I cannot tell her that I would be willing to stay but was not getting any respite or help from my sibs because she would not understand. When I realized that my brother and sister were benefiting from me being her caregiver but were not providing any financial or respite care I told them either pay up, give me respite or I quit. They choose the assisted living option, probably so they would not have to hear me bitch anymore about not getting any relief from Mom. So for 3 more weeks I have to bear the brunt of her anger while my sis is on vacation and my brother visits rarely.
I think our parents always were under the impression that a "rest home" or "nursing home" was some dark dank place with unkind faces. The ones I have visited in my area are bright, happy, delightful places to live. And who knows, your Mom might find someone there who she knew years ago :)
But it wouldn't be a bad idea to plan on her getting to be 100 yrs old, and plan for increasing costs (AL goes up 5% per year, plus they charge a lot extra for medication management, tray to their room, nail trims, etc).
One place I visited with my Mom & Dad 5 yrs ago was $3500/month rent, but I asked the salesperson, What does the average person really spend per month? They said, Oh they always spend more than that, usually ends up being $5-6,000/month.
Also remember they will still want to buy things outside of the AL, give gifts, go on vacation (maybe not your mom), but my point is, the monthly rent national average $3500/month is not everything! Far from it.
If they currently have housing/food expenses $1,000/month like most seniors who own their home free & clear, and don't eat fancy, it's a huge (more than triple) increase in living expenses to make an Irreversible move to ALF.
Your might have already gotten locked into this situation but I hope the finances arr well-positioned---to the tune of $60,000 per year and climbing. Most people just don't have that in home equity and/or savings.
Be positive about this as deep down you know it's time. Don't worry about the money sounds like mom is pretty well covered.
I hope you have some money or savings, so that you can afford a new home since you said you lived and cared for mom.
Remain the good daughter you've always been. Don't shut the sibs out and they will learn soon enough, try not to say I told you so, but don't jump to their rescue either when they see the real costs. Reply "I can't chip in because I already gave when I was caring full time".
I'll pass along what the elder care attorney told me last week. Maybe it will resonate with you: "Maggie, you've got to do what you know is right. Listen to your moral compass. You'll never be sorry. If mom is mad at you right now, take courage and strength in knowing you're doing the loving thing, not the wrong thing."
And remember this: your mom most certainly has some level of dementia. Her anger will pass. Help her transition . . . visit with her often . . . and sleep well at night knowing you're a loving daughter who went far beyond what most people in this world would do. *Hugs*