Although this is not an easy place to be , I need my life back and I can’t take this any more. She needs to move out. I have given her several places to look at and none have been to her likes.
In the end of February 2021, I told her I can not do this any longer and she has 30 days to move which is end of March. April is here and my mother is still in my house. I am going insane. She will not go to any of the places I have provided to her. What's the legal thing to move her out?
Advice pls,
thank you
Involving a third party may add insight & get things moving.
Have you had an elder assessment done? To investigate what care needs your Mother has & where can that be best be provided. If not, book it.
Care needs may be on a scale from;
1. Independent (like the Golden Girls)
2. Partial Independence
a. needs a little help
b. needs a lot of help
3. Dependant (significant help required most ADLs)
So you can see if Independant Living, Assisted Living or even Skilled Nursing is required.
That would be my start.
The next time she becomes verbally abusive, call 911. File a complaint and/or have her transported to a psych hospital.
Frankly, she sounds mentally ill to me. She needs more help than one human being can provide.
It looks as if it's going to take something unconventional and perhaps initially extreme-sounding to change your situation; it's been going on for so long that it is evidently not an issue you're able to solve in the ordinary way. But also your mother is quite young, you state in your profile information that she has dementia but nothing else in your description seems to indicate that, and it can be hard to change a person's view of you when you've let her get away with her learned dependency on you for so long.
If she *does* have dementia, or is otherwise mentally unwell, it makes a big difference. Has any of this been formally investigated?
And if mom doesn't have the money for her care, then she/you needs to apply for Medicaid. You need to stand your ground, and let your mom know that what you say is what you mean. You've been more than generous to allow her to live with you as long as you have. And worse case scenario, like ZippyZee said, you may have to start legal eviction proceedings. I wish you the best.
I think much of how you proceed now depends upon her condition to really find a place and move into it. I doubt she is capable of that.
YOU choose a place that is appropriate and by this I mean a Memory Care facility. Complete all the required paperwork. Most likely she will have to have a physical and some tests prior to moving in. Then move her in.
If she has not been declared incompetent she can refuse to enter a facility. So you have to have the proper diagnosis.
Do you have POA?
You might have to obtain Guardianship in order to move her if you do not have the authority to do so.
Does Mom have chores to do around the house? If not, why not? I know from your profile she can be very stubborn. If she does help, just add more chores to her list. Maybe that way she may figure it would be better to have her own place.
Your hubby must be a Saint to have his Mom-in-law living with you both for all those years.
Why would she want to move? She's in your home and has you to do for her. It's been 14 years and she's fine with how it is. Nothing will happen to her if she never finds another place; she's certain you won't make her leave. She doesn't care if you're suffering.
If she has dementia, there's no "pick a place, mom". You have to pick one and get it set up. I don't know anything about getting POA or Medicaid or anything, but many on here do.
OPs profile mentions Dementia/ALZ. Can Mom live on her own? Because Dementia worsens. The woman has been living with her 14 years. But then there is probably no money to place her in a AL. So OP is between a rock and a hard place.
After 14 years will Mom be able to pay rent and bills on her own or will OP have to manage it? My Mom was the one who handled the money in my family but in the early stage of Dementia, she started to forget how to even keep a checkbook. OP just can't say "here's your new place Mom, see ya". And I doubt OP will because she says "Although this is not an easy place to be..." Her Mom has relied on OP for 14 years. At 71, 76 is not that old to me but it may be too old for some to adapt to change.
The only thing I can see OP doing here, is pick a place convenient for OP and move her. Mom can't or won't decide, then OP has to do it for her. Maybe once Mom is settled somewhere it will give OP some breathing room. Then she can go from there. If Mom has a Dementia and eventually its found she needs 24/7 care then OP can place her in LTC with Medicaid paying if there is no money.
Read your profile when u first posted so reread it after my post.
You definitely need to just move her. Do what you need to do. Like I said what is convenient for you. Get the place all set up and then drive her there. When you get there, explain that since she could not come to a decision, you had to do it for her. So, here is her own home. That you will check on her everyday at a certain time to see what she needs. Probably after work because you cannot make personal calls, nor receive them, while at work. Make sure she understands that. (Check on could be stopping in or calling) Yes, she will be upset. But, seems she brought this on herself. Sometimes people need a push.
If you go ahead with this, you will need to set boundries. What you are willing and nor willing to do. I worked when my Mom stopped driving. So one day a week was set up to shop and run errands. I gave Mom a white board to write things she needed as she thought of them. Or, you can set Mom up with Senior bussing to take her to appts and shop. Your Office of Aging should have a list of resources available to Mom.
I do feel for you. So good luck and come back and tell us how it worked out.