Mom lives by self & stayed overnight at the diner, twice. She’s IRATE with us for talking to her ‘friends’ there today. Any advice?
They said she fell off the stool, got back up and acted like nothing happened. They asked me to check on her and I did. Almost 10am and she was asleep. She looked ok, said hip and elbow bruised. Acted like nothing happened. Went ballistic when I suggested she could ask doc about her legs, as this is not the first time I’ve seen her fall, trip and be generally unsteady at times. Right off, she screamed and yelled that she has nothing wrong with her legs and that I haven’t seen ANYTHING. But, oh, I have! We know she frequents this diner a lot (DH and I used to, in the past). Manager said he’s concerned about her as a 79-year-old woman being out overnight by herself, hanging at the diner. Question - should I feel guilty about ‘okaying’ DH to ask about Mom at the diner?
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So many seniors don't want to admit that they are having concerning episodes, fear I suppose. But it creates a situation for their loved ones and I am in a situation that I can only watch and stay clear of the train wreck that is coming, at that point I will do what I can, sounds like you are in a similar situation.
I hope that the crisis that gets action is not catastrophic.
Hugs, it is so frustrating.
On your end, Mom needs to go to her doctor, not only to find out why she’s falling, but why she feels the need to be out all night. You and I both know that’s not safe, not nowadays. Mom may listen to her doctor before she listens to you. I wouldn’t push the issue with her, but she may getting to the point she needs more supervision
As far as doc, I am not allowed to go with her to doc appointments. Forget who, but in this forum, it was suggested I detail what I see and send to her doc, who is only a few years in (lifelong doc retired). Doc office said they won’t talk to me, but I feel as long as he reads what has been happening in regards to her daily living activities, the onus is on him & the practice. I hope he suggests to her to get the hearing aid and to be seen by a geriatric doc. We’ll see how that plays out.
There are many other things that she does that are NOT safe. Like a gun incident - she decided to take Dad’s gun, spin the barrel and shoot. Said she didn’t think there were any bullets in the barrel, but one went through two walls of her home. She didn’t tell me about this, but confided in my MIL (who she normally would not) at a family function. I could go on about her unsafe habits, but suffice it to say, she argues with me, doesn’t want to hear ANY of it, and told DH (in my presence) ‘I’m not listening to her!’, pointing at me. Unfortunately, she thinks I don’t know anything and pushes me away.
I am done ‘pushing’ and thinking I’m helping her out by reminding her the world’s not a safe place, especially for a woman her age who lives by herself. I have to attribute some of this to a brain aneurysm she had over a decade ago. But a lot is her personality, too. It can only get worse.
You should NOT feel guilty but I would be a bit worried that you cant reach her. I'm wondering if a UTI or something similar might be going on that is affecting her behavior.
I have a friend who had a heart attack, fell and spent 3 days on the floor of her apartment before she was found. Hence, I'd call the police and ask for them to check up on her.
She does it because she’s lonely. I feel she also got hooked on gambling. She denies that she’s addicted of course.
It’s all she ever wants to do. The casino employees chat it up with her and she thinks they are her friends! Just awful how vulnerable older people become in these situations. No one else in this woman’s family gambles. She sees it as a social outlet. Of course the casino is only interested in her money.
Her family has encouraged her to participate in a senior group but she is stubborn and says she doesn’t want to be around boring old people.
Casinos don’t close. She rides there in a cab. She spends every last dime, then calls her daughter or son in law to pick her up in the wee hours of the morning. Her daughter and son in law have full time jobs and it takes it’s toll on them losing sleep.
I would make a doctor appointment for your mom and insisted that she go. She may have a UTI or something else off and it’s causing the odd behavior.
The diner is not going to like her hanging out there all night. She could become injured from a fall. I am sure they are thinking about a lawsuit in their future.
The woman I mentioned has fallen in the casino. They wanted to call an ambulance for her to go to the hospital and be checked out. She refused to go and they asked her to sign a form releasing them from any responsibility if she were injured from the fall. She signed it. Fortunately, she wasn’t hurt.
I know the woman’s daughter. She is very sweet and cares for her mom. Her mom lives next door to them.
The daughter is extremely frustrated like you are. She had hoped that when her mother stopped driving that she would stay home. Nope, now she just hops in a cab.
The waitstaff loves to be her server, as Mom cannot/will not understand that leaving $20 tip on a breakfast bill is a bit much. I believe she looks like she has money to them . . . She takes them out a few times a year (that I know of) to the movies, etc. But reality is quite different. Two words - reverse mortgage.
Hostess at diner understood Mom fell, but didn’t see it, she says. The manager didn’t know about it right away when he walked into work that morning. I think the hostess looked a bit timid. I gave her my phone number in case something else should happen with Mom that I need to know about. We’ll see.
If I can’t even talk to her about a fall, and can’t go with her to the doc, how can I even begin to hope she’ll consider eliminating her driving? Not going to happen. She didn’t attend driver’s refresher course, with me, because she ‘wasn’t interested’.
The actual cost of a cab isn’t bad, compared to the distress driving impaired, can cause. After sale of car & factoring in car insurance, I’d keep that cash for a cab or Uber and be GLAD to have someone else drive me around - if I was impaired.
Thank you for hearing my frustration!
I like what what was said about the owner calling 911. Really, he could be found liable if something happens to her. Maybe he should insist she sit in a booth and not on a stool. Ask him if he would talk to her saying he has seen some problems and he feels she needs to be checked out.
No EMT can force a person to go to the hospital. So calling 911 maybe a lost cause.
Like said, you are just going to have to wait for the train wreck. Yes, you r going to have to deal with the aftermath which probably could have been prevented. Set boundries at that time. It will be what she needs not what she wants. The tables will change. You will become the parent, her the child.
Thank you all for listening. I’ve really gotten some good info from you all and appreciate that.
I'm unclear on a few issues:
1. Is she going to the casino and diner, or a diner at the casino, or both?
2. Has anyone contacted the police about the gun incident? In these days of mass shootings, even just a "little ol' lady" could become involved in a tragic incident that might take away all her freedoms.
That happened a few days ago in another town in SE Michigan. The whole story wasn't available at the time, but a woman had a weapon (possibly an assault weapon) and holed up in her home. PD and I believe a SWAT team were deployed. The woman was eventually arrested.
You're facing a difficult dilemma. And she's vigorously fighting to retain her independence, and right to do as she pleases, regardless of consequence.
If she's using her funds for cab fare, is she able to pay other bills?
I do agree that she feels the people in the diner or casino are her friends. I know how desperately alone people can feel as they age and have less mobility. Do you know any of her real friends? Could or would they be interested in get togethers at one another's homes? Or would she object to that?
It seems to me she's desperately trying to maintain her freedom, regardless of consequences. If the diner's manager/owner forbade her to come, for whatever reason, she'd find another place to go. And it might be better, or worse.
Unfortunately, I think something's going to have to happen to create a solution, and it might not be pleasant. But I would contact the PD today and ask how they can help in dealing with the gun situation. That gun (and any others) need to be out of that home.
(I apologize if I missed something in your answers; I'm still finding all the white space on these pages to be hard on the eyes.)
She stays out all night at a diner.
You’ve got your hands full! I feel for you. Lord! What a stressful situation you have.
My cousin is 97 and still drives. She got a speeding ticket and told off the cop! I hope that isn’t your mom one day. Hahaha
My cousin is actually in good health for a 97 year old. No walker, no cane, no mental or physical issues. She’s blessed. We should all be so lucky! I still don’t think 97 year olds should be driving though. But she is an independent woman like your mom. Can’t force them to do something.
She sounds so much like the woman I know. Has turned acquaintances into ‘so called’ friends. Yeah, all about the tips! Cash cow situation. That’s why they should do a senior center but they don’t see themselves that way or don’t want to. This woman was the same with her husband. He was her world! When he died, her world ended. She used gambling to escape. Your mom uses a diner. It’s sad. I’m so sorry.
YES! Turned acquaintances into ‘friends’. There were a couple waitstaff eyeballing me and DH as the hostess and manager spoke to us about Mom. Some are definitely afraid of losing Mom’s great tips. Sad to say, but truth.
I need to let you know about concerns that my husband and I have about changes in my mother's behavior that we have noticed recently.
1. She appears to have piles of unpaid bills and other paperwork piling up.
2. She has a gun which she, on at least one occasion, shot off inside the house.
3. She has started going to a diner late at night and frequently stays there all night.
4. This past week, she fell at said diner. The owner called me, concerned about my mother's condition, safety and behavior."
I'd send this snail mail, return receipt requested, so that you have proof that the practice got it.
I detailed led last week’s activities to Mom’s doc in a fax - but it didn’t go through. I’ll try again Monday.
Mom hasnt asked about about her grandson who has been in the state since May. She knows he’s been waiting for test results, but hasn’t asked about that, or her granddaughter who turns 30 this week. I guess we will get the cold shoulder treatment from
her now ...
Best of luck!
https://www.activebeat.com/your-health/the-10-common-symptoms-of-dementia/14/
I’ll be including this article in the mailed version of my letter to her doc.
Prior to June, I did care whether Mom was angry at me. But through this forum, I’ve learned so much. Also in a monthly caregiver support group, so I feel well connected, and my concerns about her behavior have been validated.
She doesn’t think she has a hearing problem (because we talk low, she says). There’s no way she’s letting me go to her doc, so will fax my second letter to him Monday. Even though the office told me the doc can’t talk to me, I’ll continue to write letters and fax to the practice - weekly, if needed. And yes, I’ve had numerous discussions with her that I should be on her HIPPA, as I’m all she’s got. Deaf ears - literally and figuratively.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-limits-of-our-responsibility-451189.htm?orderby=recent
Thank you for sharing this.