Here I am again with another question about responding to dementia behavior, and I'm just getting this off my chest, so THANK YOU for reading! I visit my mother at her assisted living facility, an hour from my home. (She could be in the memory care wing, but there's no room currently available, so the facility is just giving her plenty of attention in her AL room. They are familiar with her delusions. There's no exact dementia diagnosis; she refused to complete the cognitive testing and refused an MRI, so doctors just said "some kind of dementia" and we are fine with leaving it at that.)
I got here three hours ago. I suggested (as always) that we go for a ride, holding out her shoes and complimenting her appearance. She said no. She then filled me in on some of the happenings in her delusional-world and gave me all the gossip on the imaginary people in the ceiling. I smiled and steered the conversation toward the fun times she had on the farm when she was a kid. We laughed at her stories about fishing and swimming. Then she said she needed me to order her a dress, and I fumbled big time. I SHOULD have said, "OKAY! The internet is down right now so I'll order it tomorrow!" But, like a dodo, I told her she has nice clothes already and we need to save her money for things she really needs.
She hollered at me for 20 minutes.
Then she shut down.
I apologized and said of course we could order a dress. (We really don't have "dress money" and I too often let that stressful fact steer me into giving the wrong responses.)
For an hour now she has been staring into space. She won't answer my questions ("Do you feel okay" or "Do you want a drink") and she won't acknowledge that she hears me.
An aide came in and cheerily said "It's time to go to dinner!" and Mom cheerily answered, "No thank you I've already had breakfast and lunch and a brownie, and I'm too full!"
Back to silence.
Then another aide came breezing in and said "I brought you a plate!"
Mom said "OH that looks so good THANK YOU!”
She does this to me and my sister also. If we turn on the TV during these silences, she snaps "Turn that off!" I know from reading posts on this site that it's normal for a PWD to shut out family the way a stubborn child would. I'm not mad at her. She can't help it.
Do you ever feel like a bad visitor?
I've never been outgoing and I struggle to be chatty, especially when the other person isn't responding. I imagine Teepa or some other dementia-guru would probably be hopping around this room like a jumping jack, being engaging and entertaining.
I feel like a bump on a log.
Mom ate two bites of spaghetti and has now turned her back to me. It's almost 7pm, and I need to hit the road soon. It's a sad feeling.
I guess she enjoyed that tense visit, who the heck knows?
My sister reminded me that mom has other conversations and stuff going on in her head, so it probably doesn't feel so much like an empty space of time to her.
I just know I'm glad to be back on the road!
When kids do that you just ignore them. That's pretty much what your moms doing, so maybe walking out and leaving, maybe she won't do it next time.
I'm so sorry blue, this aging thing really stinks
When she does this tell her she's acting like a spoiled child and that you didn't visit to be screamed at, told off, and then given the silent treatment. So you're leaving. Then go.
Sounds like you are a trigger. Don't torture yourself. She clearly shows she can be nice to others, it's all abut "punishing you." Stop tolerating it. You aren't a bump on a log, you've dealt with this many years and it's hard. Her "entertainment" is not your job.
She can control her behavior. She proved it. Cut back on visiting. Don't reward her bad behavior or play along with her "silent treatment"....the oldest passive aggressive crap in the book. Grab your purse and leave without saying a word.
Was hoping Burnt would chime in here.
It is all about punishing BlueHeron. I know that dementia experts say their brain in broken and they can't help it. Teepa Snow will chime in with redirecting them in a soothing and comforting voice.
I have been a caregiver to more old people with dementia over the last 25 years than I can even remember both in their homes and in AL.
I have seen these people with broken brains who have no control be nice as pie to me, other staff, their friends, and of course their doctors and nurses. They are kind, pleasant, not stubborn at all.
The second one of their adult kids shows up or calls. It's like flipping a light switch. The lashing out, the stubborness starts up, the temper-tantrums, the demands, the verbal abuse, the passive/aggressive nonsense, and the silent treatment start up.
You know what I call this?
Control. Yes, control. These people who can still put on 'company manners' and 'showtime' clearly possess enough of their faculties to be able to pick and choose who they are going to behave abusively to. That's control.
When you're around many people with different kinds of dementia, you know when one is really out-of-it and have no control. The ones who can turn it on and off like a light, still have control of themselves.
You are spot on right about not rewarding bad behavior and playing along with the silent treatment. Get up and leave is right. Then cut back on the visiting. I wish I could give you a gold star for the comment about the "entertainment" not being the OP's job.
Like so many others my age or older and probably many people here, we remember what we got when we were kids if we were acting up, or being stubborn.
I got a backhand across the face or a belt across the back. I reminded my mother of this just yesterday. I did grocery shopping for her so her aide could go home early. She's a nice girl and was very excited to get to her friend's house because she's in her wedding today. I paid her anyway and told her to go. Now my mother gets along very well with this aide and had no problem with her leaving early. The second she was out the door she started with me. First was the complaining about her aide leaving early and then the performance with me.
I told her knock it off or I won't do your grocery shopping and you'll have to wait until Monday to get it done. She stopped. Groceries were more important than acting up.
It Is really sad. I’m sorry this is happening because you don’t deserve such treatment. Next time you have the urge to visit her, stay home and have a root beer float instead. That’s called being good to yourself, and you should.
Love this....🍺🍦
My longest visit is it is an hour. Then my mother starts too loop. Very repetitive. Three hours is a long time, although I can appreciate the frustration of having driven an hour. (30 minutes to my mother’s care home) Having said that, when my cousins visit (2x year) it’s always happy fun party time.
You were right to leave. This happens every month when you visit?
If it does maybe you should join your cousins sometime when they visit. Just to see if you would get the behavior with them there.
Perhaps M is giving you the silent treatment for ‘nasty’ reasons. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a quiet visit just for company.
Yes, it does mean there can't be a quiet visit for company. If a person is behaving abusively to you then giving you the 'silent treatment' that is not visiting. That person only wants you there so they can hurt you by lashing out, being verbally abusive, then following it up with the ignoring 'silent treatment'.
This isn't visiting. This is abuse. Why sit there and allow yourself to be treated like that? No thanks.
The mother can pick a staff member to be stubborn and verbally abusive to. Blue Heron should restrict the visits to maybe around certain holiday times and call her once a week.
Mom doesn’t get her way - yells.
Mom still doesn't get her way - uses silence.
From agression to passive-agression. Both are forms of communication.
I think once I saw the frozen out silent behavioir start I would take a mini-break. Excuse myself. Go for a walk, or go sit in my car. Wait 20mins or so then return. As an experiment.
This may give Mom enought time to cool her anger down & re-engage..?
While waiting, a prop like a book/magazine may lessen the awkwardness. Set a time limit, then leave, even if earlier than planned.
You can't help her anger or help her control/rebalance her feelings once risen up. But you can remove yourself for your own protection as required.
When mom gives you the silent treatment, thank your lucky stars and get up and go home. No reason to sit there for hours in silence. Just as there is no resson to sit there for hours trying to make small talk.
I would seriously reduce the visits and phone calls. No one has to put up with abuse whether it comes from dementiaor not.
That will give you something enjoyable to do to unwind before you get back on the road.
Keep in mind her brain is broken, there is no logic present.
Also if she starts hollering at you..same thing. Leave.
*If you can't bring yourself to leave right away then bring a backpack with you. Put in the back pack a drink, snack, a book that you have wanted to read, deck of cards and just sit there in silence and read, play cards. If after 30 minutes or so she still is not talking to you that is plenty of time and you can justify leaving.
#2. How often do you visit? If it is more than 2 times a week cut back on your visits.
#3. How long are your visits? If it is more than 2 hours cut back on the time. 1 hour should be plenty. Unless you have a "special day" planned where you go out for lunch or a doctor appointment.
I visit 2x a week, 3 hours at a time. It can be longer if she agrees to go for a ride. She's gotten more difficult in the last 6 months. More delusional than last year. Recently she got angry with my sister and refused to talk to her, and she sat there in her recliner and chatted with an imaginary person named Candy, about whatever Candy has been doing lately.
Why did you put yourself through this? Whether she has dementia or not, there is absolutely no reason for you to endure bad behavior from ANYONE, not even your mother.
The next time something like this happens, calmly get up and say something to the effect of ..."It seems like you're not feeling well and aren't up for a visit today. I love you." Then leave.
Even if she starts making nice and tries to make you stay, don't. Say "I love you mom, I'll come back when you're feeing better" and quietly leave.
Do not reinforce bad bad behavior. Do not fight, do not cry, do not keep talking. Just keep calm and walk out. Cry and scream alone in the car if need be, but just don't let her ever she that got a rise out of you.
The most important thing is to make sure her needs are being met in the facility. That's the most important reason for going. After awhile it is impossible to make conversation, there's nothing she can tell you about and there's only so much you can say. My husband visited my parents with me and was able to fill the dead air, thankfully. Because of him I managed to stay an hour. I would have been out of there in 15 minutes if it wasn't for him, that is how painful those visits were for me. My mother was absolutely miserable, all the joy had been sucked from her life and there was not one a good thing she could say, and my father mostly sat silently staring into space for the entire time.