Mother, 94, has been determined by DSS to need assistance. I, the only child, do not have any legal authority to assist. Any advice?
Condensed very long story. My mother, now 94, is in need of assistance. I do not have POA, nor am I in her will. We have had a tumultuous relationship for the past 40 years. I currently reside 500 miles away and my presence makes her angry.
She has lived alone until recently. DSS has now intervened and determined that she cannot reside alone or make decisions. They are wanting me to be involved, but as I said, I have no legal authority. Her POA resides in another state, and really doesn't want the responsibility. As a note, her named POA didn't know she had been named.
I have always tried to watch over my mother, from a distance, considering our bizarre relationship (made annual trips, stayed in touch with her current friends and business contacts). Additionally, my wife of 37 yrs. has been barred from visitation for the last 30 yrs. (another long distorted story). Interestingly, an attorney has recently entered the picture at her request and is trying to assume control. He has not spoken to me but apparently he is interested in her assets, since he has already asked her to sell him her home. Not surprisingly, my mother is relatively wealthy, and all the attorney vultures are aware of the family dynamics. My mother tells them all of her distorted history.
Basically, I am at a loss as to what to do. I have contacted another attorney in her city to try to help me. What a mess!
Any thoughts or ideas are certainly welcome.
8 Answers
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Don't be disconcerted or anxious about their having approached you: it's only routine and it makes sense. Imagine if they made a habit of taking over vulnerable adults' lives without attempting to include family members first! But the fact is that acting for your parent is quite hard enough even without the hostility your mother has shown to you. It's none of your doing but you surely can't be the right choice of guardian for your mother in her particular circumstances.
I would alert whoever your contact is at the DSS to the presence of the conflicted attorney so that the DSS is aware of this potential risk (the attorney may have the best of intentions and the kindest of hearts, who knows; but all the same). Do you know what species of official it was that got in touch with you about this?
Since filial laws have been mentioned a lot lately, I looked them up. Seems 30 states have them but don't enforce them. They are old laws, made when we didn't have SS and Medicaid. No child will be made to care financially for a parent if it will effect the childs income to be able to live or raise a family. Meaning, you can't make someone pay 10k a month for a NH for a parent if you don't have it.
This man's Mom has her own money so don't think filial laws would apply here.
good thing the OP has a lawyer involved even though it is unlikely filial laws will be be an issue.
I ask cause you have contacted another atty to look into all this. The attorney you contacted is going to bill you. Either your all in or not.
If your in, you & the surprised POA need to have the same attorney imo. And if there's real $, real assets your atty will be able to do whatever to ensure all in best interest of your mom. You can keep your involvement to be minimal, you & POA get cc’d on all paperwork; bit you let your atty be her guardian and get her into a facility.
If there was a surprise POA, I bet a case of Prosecco there's gonna be surprises in her assets & her will - like odd codicils done - and investments that name you, that POA or others as the beneficiary of. Your gonna get dragged into all this one way or another. If that is what the likely scenario is, you want to have some control over this hot mess. I’d get that atty you spoke with with to do whatever to squash the other one and your atty becomes the in state guardian for her.
I was named executor for an Aunt, total surprise. I was not close to her, maybe saw her 5 times. She saw her atty about a year before her death and did a huge codicil to her will and changed beneficiaries in detail. She did not tell the POA. She did a letter to be posthumously read as to why she removed him if he challenged the will. Yeah he was beyond peeved. Estate was a hot mess, took years; there was the illusion of $$$ but the reality was quite different. The Estate attorney was great, I learned a lot. I’m glad I did it.
If your mom has $ & assets, you & the POA join forces & hire your own guy and let him be your own personal pit bull. Her $ will pay for all attorney costs, your atty needs to be a real pit bull, but he/ she represents her blood and her named POA. Huge advantage. But you need to move on this now before court names a guardian.
If theres $ left, give it to your wife. Sheesh she deserves it for putting up with 37 years of a whack job of a MIL.
I sure can relate to those sentiments.
It's ok to place her especially if you get a %age of assets for overseeing her case. There nay be a minimum frequency of visits to the facility, but we can do a little if we know we get paid. If no will is found & presented, then she dies intestate and the heirs inherit the assets. If you know there's a will that cuts you out, I strongly suggest you say no and allow the state to pursue guardianship. The remaining money still goes through the will, the conservator/guardian gets a cut, but you will be free to visit or not, and to think of her or not. My decision was helped knowing there would be assets at the end for me/my children.