My 80 year old mother is suffering from dementia but refuses any help from anyone! We have taken her car keys so she is extremely angry with us. She calls repeatedly at all hours of the night. She will forget about it for a day or 2 & then it starts all over again.
Home health is supposed to come in & do an intake but we know she won't cooperate. We hate to go to court for guardianship. We know she will probably never speak to us again after that.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
It's nice that you are concerned about her independence, but with dementia, it's often not like you might think. Independence makes sense and can be appreciated when the person's brain is working properly, but when the brain is broken, independence is more of a fantasy. That independence can cause fires in the house, allowing strangers inside, wandering, eating spoiled foods, mishandling electrical appliances. It's just very dangerous, since the independence often cannot be trusted. Even leaving the person unattended for a few moments can be risky.
All of this also makes the patient very anxious, so their freedom is difficult to enjoy, because they are so scared. That's why they keep calling. They are confused, because things look different and they can't function the way they used to. They don't understand why things don't work and where they misplaced them. Their judgment is gone. It's like leaving a toddler in a house unattended.
Also, keeping a dementia patient in their home is not the key to making them happy. They are often so confused and anxious that they are not happy at all. Many dementia patients are not happy, regardless of where they are living, although medications can really help with that. I do hope things work out and you can get your mom the help she needs.
I've learned the only way to survive elder outrage is to shrug my shoulders and say that I personally don't care if she takes her pills. It's up to her if she wants her blood pressure to go up. I tell her it doesn't matter to me. When I walk away, she'll take her pills. Maybe it is because she realizes she's not doing it for me, she is doing it for her.
It sounds to me that your mother may need assisted living soon. I am a heavy advocate for assisted living if people can afford it. I'm an in-home caregiver and know dementia is a long and hard road I wouldn't wish on anyone. It is especially difficult with a combative parent who doesn't think anything is wrong with them.
You have my sympathy in what you're dealing with. There is only so much you can do when they refuse to help themselves. Professionals usually hold more sway than family. If you can have her doctor write her some prescription notes about things to do, it may help. For example, if her doctor will write this pill at breakfast and that pill at dinnertime, you can refer her to the note. That way it is what the doctor said and not what you said.
One of my favorite lines when my mother decides she wants to stop doing something is that she'll have to talk to her doctor about that. I tell her that I plan to keep doing what the doctor prescribes until the instructions change. That gets me off the hook and puts it on the doctor.
Since then she has refused to take the meds in the pill minder & is ticked off because she was "a nurse for 40 years & isn't stupid". She knows how to take her meds!!
She still has enough wits about her to be somewhat logical in her arguments which seems to make it even harder!
My mom resisted getting someone to give her meds twice a day (she lives in independent living) until she forgot her coumadin for three days and got a clot in her foot. For those three days, she was telling me she was taking them. I spent time in the ER with her and visiting a vascular surgeon and at that point, I put my foot down and we've had people coming in twice a day since to give her her meds. Sometimes you have to wait for the emergency, like Rainmom said...it's sad, but true with seniors who resist help.