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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Joyce, I remember when my mother ( now deceased) began saying things to me like the statement your mother made to you. It was a sad time because I knew that my mother's mind was on the decline, just like her body. She was no longer thinking as rationally as she once was. Once she said to me: "Just wait till YOU'RE old!" . When I read what your mother said, it reminded me of what my Mom said. The point I want to make to you is this: It's no use trying to make sense of a statement like the one your Mom made. Yes, it sounded mean and threatening, but who knows how much of it she was really responsible for controlling coming out of her mind and mouth? On the other hand, if she has always spoken to you in occasional mean terms like that, then it may be more of the same, just intensified with her aging. To tell you the truth, the way I have survived hearing statements from my parents which could have felt hurtful to me....was that I started to ignore them. Just let the words go by and ignore them. And yes, I know, it's easier said than done. What you are describing is truly one of the hardest parts of caring for our elderly parents. With practice though, I found that I've gotten better and better at tuning out unproductive comments. I hope you find a way to cope, and maybe this will help.
Hi, joyce, I agree that you shouldn't allow what your Mom has said to bum you out any more than it already has. Unless she has some cognitive decline issues, though, her statement makes a whole lot of sense, actually. It may be hard to hear her throw those words out at you, but if she is saying what she really feels, I know that some folks who are entirely reasonable feel the same way.
One of my friends who is in my age group and loves his children dearly, has always told me privately that he "hopes to God" they never put him into a nursing home. He should know. He has worked in nursing homes over the years.
Still, he, your mother, and, anyone who may feel that way is entitled to feel the way they do. Doesn't make them bad people, though it may mean that they are running scared, just as some folks run scared of nursing homes' reputations.
I am not a fan of nursing home living, either, but I also agree with the person who said that if that day comes, I know that it happens, and, life is hard as the other person also said. Nothing wrong with allowing your Mom to feel a little sorry for herself. Nursing homes can be depressing, if only by virtue of the fact that they represent end of life issues, and are never like being in the comfort of one's own home. Other nursing home residents are not the same as family.
Being in any institution brings a major loss of independence. On the wanting to die part, maybe she really means that. Even if that is the case, though, all you can do is to be supportive of her without ruining your own mental health and self-esteem because of her comments. Hope you can let go of it soon in proper perspective.
I wholeheartedly agree with the person who suggests that finding a way to cope may be a help. Good luck in dealing with this!
A period of adjustment is in order. She will make new friends and become comfortable eventually. In the meantime......make her new space as much as you can HER space. Bring as much of her stuff into the area as safely possible. She will feel more comfortable surrounded by her own things. Art is important!!! Photos & nick nacks are important!!! Ask her where she wants them placed & how to arrange them. As she makes friends; tell her to have them into her apartment to visit. She can throw a party (small) with your help. Find out about the activities there & try to get her involved. Have her invite her friends from her last home over to see her "new place". Use your imagination & come up with your own ideas to help the transition. She will continue to complain until she feels comfortable. You would too. I don't like my mom often myself. It's all part of the caregiver thing but we press on. My mom can be as mean and hateful as anyone could be, but we try again the next day to be pleasant and helpful. They get very selfish and even abusive sometimes. You need to set boundaries as far as what you will & will not put up with. Try not to take it personally. They will tug at your heart strings if you let them. Praying for us.
If she's in AL, it means she can get around on her own but may need help with some activities of daily living. It's not the end of the world unless the AL is like a Purgatory. Lines like "I want to die" and "I hope your children don't put you away like this" are designed to flip the script on you and pour on the guilt until you can't take it anymore and bring her home with you. And if she was a nitpicking handful before the AL, she'll continue making you feel guilty for having "put her away."
Tell her you understand the AL isn't the Hilton, but the bottom line is that you can't take her home, she needs assistance that you can't provide, and that this is all there is so she better make the best of it. If she wants to argue the point, stand your ground and say "Mom, we're not having this conversation. ... Period."
Don't get crazy listening to your mother.PERIOD. my daughters after all I have done for them, tell me that they will put me in a nursing home. I am 46. married, working and healthy. they said that they are just kidding, but I hate that and I told them so.IS NOT A FUNNY JOKE>. Well, I am preparing my self mentally, so when I get sick and old and unable to care for myself to get a home attendant to continue living in my apt. and when that doesn't work anymore, I will go to a nursing home. That's life. is hard, cruel, but we can't do anything about it. Think about enjoying your life while you can and be prepare to face the future. Your mom is trying to make you fell bad. she tell you that she will die, we all will. we don't want to die, but we have no choice. you are not going to kill her, is the life's law. God's law. Don't let your mom's comments affect you because they always blame us for everything they are old and mentally ill. their brain's cells are dying and they can't think clearly.
Since she's only in an asst living, then that has GOT to be better than a nursing home. Getting old stinks, and having to be put somewhere that you don't want to go, stinks too. But it is what it is, and it's gonna happen to everybody sooner or later (doesn't mean she has to like it though.) Tell her that you wish you could turn back time to where she was healthy again and didn't have to be anywhere but home. She knows in her heart that she has no choice, so let her complain. As far as I know, complaining hasn't killed anyone yet.
I have always thought that there should be a much more humane alternative to asst. living and nursing homes. I am in total agreement with Isabel - these facilities are warehouses and one will never get the care that family can provide. When I was younger I knew very few people who were in nursing homes. Whenever I make decisions for my Mom I try to put myself in her shoes at her age and ask myself what is the best possible solution. Sometimes I don't have an answer. But, for the most part, living independently has kept her spirits up and saved her health. I do not know how long this will be possible, but I keep searching for a way to keep her out of institutions. As for her complaining, let it roll off your back. Everyone needs a chance to vent. When you are nearing the end of your life, it is hard to spend the rest of it couped up with no where to go. I would be cranky too. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
Lilliput, like you, my sole objective is to keep my Mom out of a nursing home or institutional setting for as long as I possibly can, for the very same reasons you have shared. I like your use of the word warehouses. They are, and there is nothing humane about them in my opinion. Ultimately, the choice may be taken out of our hands on whether we can keep our mothers out of the sterility of nursing homes, but at least we are trying our very best. That's all we can do. It's why joyceloney's mother's comment makes so much sense to me. She human and finds herself in a depressing situation. I might not want to open my eyes each morning if I were in a nursing home, either. You have shared what some family members have experienced once they place their loved ones in nursing homes. Once the human spirit is broken, there is no reeling it back in. Takes no time for some folks to go downhill once thy are in nursing home custody. It's custody - not residence - regardless of the euphemisms used by the industry. Nursing homes fulfill a social and business need and it's good they exist. Doesn't mean that some elders or some family members have to rejoice and be glad.
I would take those statements much like a 2-year-old not wanting a nap: it is good for them even though they don't want it. You and your siblings (do you have siblings) could not care for her. She could not live alone, that had become dangerous. Wether she likes it or not, it was the best decision for her circumstances. If you do have siblings, bring them into it. When she says something like that again say "All of your children thought this was best because you could no longer live at home because of ......" Or you are just going to have to ignore her outbursts. Not easy.
I am an RN in a nursing home, and watched as a family listened to their mother insist she was going to kill herself if they left her in there. They were patient and kind, and we spent a lot of time helping her get reacquainted with old friends in the facility. One day she said to me "I hope whoever put me in here dies!" I was thrilled with that statement, as was her family, because it was a transfer of anger, and a sign of her accepting her situation. They said their mother was always mad at someone or something - the President, the Landlord, the Tax Man - always someone who had some kind of control over her, and knew someday it would be them. It is hell to get old, but the ones who thrive in long term care are the ones who manage to develop new relationships within the facility, whether it be another resident or a staff member, particularly if they are resentful of family members who are "on the outside". Our secretary's dog has attached herself to a "grumpy old man" in our facility, and visits him daily. The Social Services girl has provided him with a bag of treats for his new friend. His attitude has mellowed considerable for this simple new relationship. If your mother has resigned herself to make you miserable for her situation, so be it. She survived your teenage years, so consider it payback. But see if you can find someone she could develop a new relationship with. Community churches are a wonderful resource with loving people willing to spend some time with your mom. As far as our suicidal old woman, the other day she told her son "I'm mad at you because you never come see me often enough!" He was so happy, he left with tears in his eyes, knowing his mom was happy where she was and back to her same old complaining.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
One of my friends who is in my age group and loves his children dearly, has always told me privately that he "hopes to God" they never put him into a nursing home. He should know. He has worked in nursing homes over the years.
Still, he, your mother, and, anyone who may feel that way is entitled to feel the way they do. Doesn't make them bad people, though it may mean that they are running scared, just as some folks run scared of nursing homes' reputations.
I am not a fan of nursing home living, either, but I also agree with the person who said that if that day comes, I know that it happens, and, life is hard as the other person also said. Nothing wrong with allowing your Mom to feel a little sorry for herself. Nursing homes can be depressing, if only by virtue of the fact that they represent end of life issues, and are never like being in the comfort of one's own home. Other nursing home residents are not the same as family.
Being in any institution brings a major loss of independence. On the wanting to die part, maybe she really means that. Even if that is the case, though, all you can do is to be supportive of her without ruining your own mental health and self-esteem because of her comments. Hope you can let go of it soon in proper perspective.
I wholeheartedly agree with the person who suggests that finding a way to cope may be a help. Good luck in dealing with this!
In the meantime......make her new space as much as you can HER space. Bring as much of her stuff into the area as safely possible. She will feel more comfortable surrounded by her own things. Art is important!!! Photos & nick nacks are important!!! Ask her where she wants them placed & how to arrange them.
As she makes friends; tell her to have them into her apartment to visit. She can throw a party (small) with your help. Find out about the activities there & try to get her involved. Have her invite her friends from her last home over to see her "new place".
Use your imagination & come up with your own ideas to help the transition.
She will continue to complain until she feels comfortable. You would too.
I don't like my mom often myself. It's all part of the caregiver thing but we press on. My mom can be as mean and hateful as anyone could be, but we try again the next day to be pleasant and helpful. They get very selfish and even abusive sometimes. You need to set boundaries as far as what you will & will not put up with. Try not to take it personally. They will tug at your heart strings if you let them.
Praying for us.
If she's in AL, it means she can get around on her own but may need help with some activities of daily living. It's not the end of the world unless the AL is like a Purgatory. Lines like "I want to die" and "I hope your children don't put you away like this" are designed to flip the script on you and pour on the guilt until you can't take it anymore and bring her home with you. And if she was a nitpicking handful before the AL, she'll continue making you feel guilty for having "put her away."
Tell her you understand the AL isn't the Hilton, but the bottom line is that you can't take her home, she needs assistance that you can't provide, and that this is all there is so she better make the best of it. If she wants to argue the point, stand your ground and say "Mom, we're not having this conversation. ... Period."
Whenever I make decisions for my Mom I try to put myself in her shoes at her age and ask myself what is the best possible solution. Sometimes I don't have an answer. But, for the most part, living independently has kept her spirits up and saved her health. I do not know how long this will be possible, but I keep searching for a way to keep her out of institutions.
As for her complaining, let it roll off your back. Everyone needs a chance to vent. When you are nearing the end of your life, it is hard to spend the rest of it couped up with no where to go. I would be cranky too.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
It is hell to get old, but the ones who thrive in long term care are the ones who manage to develop new relationships within the facility, whether it be another resident or a staff member, particularly if they are resentful of family members who are "on the outside". Our secretary's dog has attached herself to a "grumpy old man" in our facility, and visits him daily. The Social Services girl has provided him with a bag of treats for his new friend. His attitude has mellowed considerable for this simple new relationship.
If your mother has resigned herself to make you miserable for her situation, so be it. She survived your teenage years, so consider it payback. But see if you can find someone she could develop a new relationship with. Community churches are a wonderful resource with loving people willing to spend some time with your mom.
As far as our suicidal old woman, the other day she told her son "I'm mad at you because you never come see me often enough!" He was so happy, he left with tears in his eyes, knowing his mom was happy where she was and back to her same old complaining.
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