I am almost done with caregiving as my father will be going into assisted living in February, However, I want to be in the area for my father but my brother being is causing me stress. I have never had stress before in my life. If someone can answer this it would go along way to either me leaving the area and going to where I want or staying,
My brother and his family are financial independent. Six months ago my father was totally competent. My brother wanted him to go into assisted living. My father refused. My brother said it was for my father's benefit, because ultimately he would end up there anyway. But my brother and his family wanted to travel and I know they could only do this if my father was in assisted living. My brother even told me this. Otherwise they would be expected, but not obligated, to provide help (like taking him to the store, doctor, etc.) when my father needed, and he did on a regular basis, but not enough to go into assisted living. Two months ago my brother told me him and his family "had" to travel for "certain reasons" and that he was going to put my father in assisted living then. However right after my father's health declined rapidly and now he truly needs assisted living.
My brother didn't have to travel (as opposed to people who have to work) when my father was competent. Would you consider this selfish behavior? Then to lie to me about having to travel for "certain reasons" seems to me to make it look like it definitely is. I just do not want to be around here if that is the case.
Also, to give you some insight into my brother and his family's thinking, they all believe that if one refused to be vaccinated for covid then they should not receive treatment at a hospital if they get covid. Maybe I should have left a long time ago!?
No one can really offer insight into what your brother thinks except your brother.
You want someone to tell you that you’re right and your brother is wrong, but even if someone were willing to say that, nothing would be different about the situation you’re all in now.
I have nothing but compassion for your feelings. I understand you, because I’ve been in a similar mess.
Focus-as much as you can- on your care and love and concern for your dad, and try to let the rest go. You will be better off if you do.
I will get through this. I used to have success in all respects of my life, like Fleetwood Mac or ABBA, where it just keeps going up and up (I also started with absolutely nothing, and sacrificed like few people would for many years). I don't know why this is all happening to me now. I think life maybe saying "You need to start doing something totally different than anything you did before" or something like that. By starting I mean with just anything I can fit into a suitcase, forget anything I did in my career, forget my brother and go to an environment that will bring happiness.
Maybe there were other choices than putting dad in AL before he needs it. Like a caregiver at home. Or other things that no longer matter. I guess it was the best choice your brother could come up with to ensure that dad would actually be taken care of so he could do what he wanted with a clear conscience.
If you stay around so that you can see your dad, you can decide how and if you have a relationship with your brother. I'd cut him a little slack.
If you want to live nearby, that is your choice. You don't have to talk to brother or see him. You can go visit Dad when u want but I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself. You have said that Dad respects what his son says and goes along with him. Your brother is POA and you should stay out of any interactions between him and Dad. The staff should not talk to you about Dads care because brother is POA. If you feel something is not right u can bring it to the staffs attn but you have no rights other than that. You don't want the staff complaining to your brother so u need to be careful how you approach them. Your brother can ban u from seeing Dad.
If it were me with a brother like this, I would just visit with Dad, bring him his favorite goodie. If Dad disrespects you or criticizes, tell him time to go home and leave. Do not engage him, do not call and complain to your brother. You don't have to visit daily or for hours.
I may have said this before but I think your your own worst enemy.
"meaning: to cause most of your problems or most of the bad things that happen to you yourself, because of your character."
One thing I find u do is expect certain things out of people. Your always asking who is right, who is wrong. I am sure you have no self-esteem. If you did you would know you do the best you can for Dad. When brother says the rug needs vacuuming, ignore him. Neither him or Dad is your boss. You do not get paid for what you do. But you also should not complain about what you do because you volunteered for the job. Even if Dad asked u to come, you didn't have to do it. You could have let brother handle it.
I think you misinterpret what is being said and then u take it to heart. You may be jealous of brother because Dad has literally given him control. So let him have control. Once Dad is in a facility your job will be to visit and be pleasant. If you and brother have a disagreement do not tell Dad. But there should not be any disagreements because your allowing brother to take over. You do not offer an opinion you do not disagree. If asked for an opinion you give it. From the day Dad enters that AL, your no longer a caregiver, your his daughter who comes to visit. If he asks your opinion on something he and brother have discussed, you go along with ur brother. Keeping the peace does not mean you are giving in. It means you have learned how to play the game.
My ex husband 'never had stress before in his life' either. He led a very sheltered existence and lived in 'a world all his own'.
The very first time he DID have stress, he nearly suffered a nervous breakdown and never fully recovered. He was 36 years old at the time.
The 'incident' that caused him such stress was basically nothing at all; he just PERCEIVED it to BE something huge b/c he had no yardstick to measure REAL stress by.
He was/is on the spectrum, refused to acknowledge it, or get medicated for his anxieties & mental illnesses, or get therapy/counseling/psychiatric help. Wound up losing a job where he was making over $600K a year (he was brilliant, a 'genius' really), his wife, his family, and everything he ever held dear to him in his LIFE. No one was ever able to tolerate this man, in reality, but he could never understand WHY. It was always 'someone else's fault', never his. He always had to be right, making someone else wrong. That was his MO in life.
So he moved into a place in the mountains and has lived like a hermit ever since; no friends, no ability to CONNECT with human beings in any meaningful way; just dogs. He did decide one day that he needed money to live like a hermit, however. He wasn't STUPID, just naive and extremely self centered to the point of absurdity. Living in one's own world still requires money.
So he applied for SSDI & was approved. And began living on $3K a month instead of the $50K per month he had been living on. In order to get SSDI, he was forced to get psychiatric help that was VERY long overdue.
He's still an insufferable human/father to deal with nowadays, but the meds he takes makes him SOMEWHAT functional to a degree. More so than he WAS before he got the long overdue psychiatric help he so desperately needed.
Lately, he's taking a new med and has been out walking/hiking every day with his dogs for 3 miles, which is a HUGE achievement for the man. I am happy b/c my adult children are off the hook for the constant babysitting they were required to do for him as he fell further and further down the rabbit hole over the years.
What's really too bad is that he didn't listen to me begging him to GET HELP all those years, before he lost everything. Before he fell so far down that rabbit hole that it took an act of God to help him crawl back UP.
Let my ex's story sink in, lisatrevor, if you are able to draw analogies at all.
AL/managed care is a fine situation for your dad. Your brother is married with a life of his own. It's time to worry about 'lisatrevor' now, whoever that person is, it's time to find out. Yes, you should have left a long time ago, to look after YOURSELF and address your own issues.
Why does anyone outside of you Dad and Brother need to know whats going on. Do you think they could change things. Brother is placing Dad in an AL or LTC because thats where he needs to be. He is 24/7 care. Are you willing to be there 24/7 for Dad? Talk about stress! No job, living with Dad again and no life. Brother is POA and he does not need to tell you or anyone else anything. Seems he is handling everything and so far, not asking anything of you. As I said in one post, the day Dad goes to his new home, you can leave his. Let brother handle the transfer. You can visit Dad later. Just make sure everything is clean and tidy. Bedding and towels washed and put away.
Your brother is not stressing you out, you are stressing yourself out. Again, you are not in control here, brother is. You have to let him do what he feels is best because...Dad assigned him that responsibility. He probably is as stressed as you thats why he blows up at you. He probably regrets taking on the responsibility. If he does, Dad is competent to revoke brothers POA and assign u. Are you ready to take on that responsibility? If so, maybe that is something you and brother can talk over when the dust settles. Once Dad is placed and has acclimated to his new surroundings. When things seem to be going smoothly. If brother agrees, and Dad is all for it, then you can be in control. I would never have taken over the care of someone if I did not have financial and medical POAs. If I am doing the caring then I want the tools to help me do the job.
Lisa, you really need a therapist to find out why you let this all get to you. I bet my brothers were so glad they didn't have POA over Mom. They were supportive but never questioned anything I did. Do you love the drama, the stress and the banging ur head against the wall?