Divorce is forcing me to find my own place, which gives me a chance to move my parents from their place into one we can share and where I can live and more easily care for them.
Right now they are in a comfy rental and able to live alone so long as we help them shop and monitor their meds.
Mom has advancing Alzheimer's with very poor memory and some confusion, but is otherwise happy and pleasant. Dad is also slowing down a lot after a stroke last year.
Since Mom is destined for memory care eventually, I do believe I will be living with Dad at some point, but my concern now is whether the stress of moving them will trigger more decline in one or both.
This is a big decision for me because I will be locking myself into a lease for a year.
Please do not even think of being a full time carer to both your mum and dad because that’s what will happen if you all move in together. Things seem not too bad at the moment but they will become much much worse over time and it will be far too much for you.
In your mum’s case, some confusion and poor memory are just the tip of the iceberg. Please read about all the 7 stages Alzheimers patients go through. It will become far too difficult to cope with this on your own. You won’t have a life. Your dad has had a stroke and very often dementia happens as a result.
You will be taking on a mammoth task to try and care for them both. It’s not fair on you.
To answer your question - My advice is to leave them be and find your own place if that’s possible. Moving Alzheimers sufferers can be done but if you are going to do it, the earlier you can do it the better as it can lead to more confusion and upset and even violence in a person who is normally mild mannered. It can also lead them to “wander” and try to find their way back home and this makes them very vulnerable and upset.
A lot can happen in a year and your mum will probably deteriorate quite a bit in that time and your life could become a living hell.
Sorry if that sounds a bit strong but it could. Please think of yourself as well as your parents.
It makes me happy to know I'm improving their quality of life, but I know I am underestimating how difficult it will be to live with them all the time (I work from home) even at this stage.
My plan prior to this idea was just keeping assisting them at home for as long as possible until Mom needs memory care. Dad is so fragile now that he won't be able to handle the stresses of later-stage issues in the home, so it could be literally next year.
Thinking about your answer, I believe they are in the most comfortable place they can be, and I don't want to disrupt that and risk worsening their condition (or my situation).
Thanks again for speaking boldly.
- they will adjust better if they go in together now
- they will have a richer social life in a community
- they will feel and actually be more independent
- they can smartly "age in place" as their care needs increase
- should they ever require Medicaid, they will have "first dibs" for those rooms in their community rather than being on a waiting list from the "outside" (which can be very long in some states)
- you will have your freedom and peace of mind knowing they are getting good care
Please please think about this with your mind and not your emotions. Do read the topic of Burn Out. I wish you all the best!
We've been contemplating an assisted living place for quite a while, but my father is such a private picky person it just never seemed a great fit. Then when my Mom started declining, we realized if we moved them both into one now, it wouldn't be long before Mom would need memory care which is very expensive in the same facility we considered. They would run out of money within a year with him on the regular assisted and her on memory care. There's only three in my area but your post did inspire me to put a reminder to call a local elder care consultant who can help me think through these options.
Every situation is different but moving my dad in with us IMPROVED his quality of life and gave me peace of mind knowing he's safe and well-cared for . I have my husband here helping me so it's less of a burden on me but maybe your dad can be of some help with your mom. Also, reach out to friends and family and see if they can be of any assistance. I've always had a hard time asking for help but with my dad moving in and my husband being hospitalized the next day and remaining in hospital for 10 days, I learned I couldn't do it alone and reached out to others for help. You can also try reaching out to your parents' doctors for their medical opinion regarding moving them. Alzheimer's sucks. I hope one day they find a cure. Hang in there ❤
Increasingly when I come over to their house, I'm having to throw out old food, etc, but otherwise they seem quite happy aside from my Mom being bored to death since neither can drive now.
More food for thought!
Who is "we"?
I'm conflicted on this because I think I would want my kids to give me my freedom for as long as I could manage it.
My brother & I have just placed our mother in AL, with a step program. She really likes it, she is with people of her own age and mindset. She doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her and is really enjoying the activities. She has blossomed, is less depressed and feels safe.
We did the same thing for my step-father and his wife in July, they are at a different home, and liking it too.
What you have not taken into consideration is if you get sick, you require surgery, break a bone or maybe need to be hospitalized, who will care for your elderly parents while you are unable? What happens when mom progresses and has to be moved again?
Speaking from experience, you can show your live to your parents by providing proper care from the get go.