My mother suffered a stroke almost 1 1/2 years ago. She has been living with me since and I’ve been her caregiver. I had just retired approx 6 months before her stroke and my 2 siblings are still employed full time.
Although she has made a lot of progress physically after her stroke, mentally she has some deficits that remain. She is a fall risk, needs help with hygiene, dressing, and mobility. I manage her medications, doctor’s appointments, PT exercises at home and make her meals etc. My father has some physical/ mobility weakness and cannot help my mom with any of her areas of need.
He lives alone with some help from neighbors and my brother to get groceries and to doctor appts.
They have a house that is not safe for two elderly folks to get around with walkers or wheelchair.
My father doesn’t agree with us. He believes he can live alone and care for himself. He is a hoarder and he battles us (meltdown, verbally aggressive toward us) even when we’ve tried to clear the house to make it safe for him but especially for our mother to manage to get around (even with a caregiver).
In addition, my mother’s desire to go “home” and be with my dad has increased to the level of getting angry when I don’t take her - she doesn’t understand why she cannot go home.
The plan is for both parents to move into my sister’s house where she has a large bedroom with a bathroom that could accommodate my parents.
We would need to sell my folks’ house in order to afford a caregiver 6-7 days a week at least 12 hour days.
We anticipate my father being against this idea 100%. He is not a reasonable man when it comes to his “stuff”. This is most likely the #1 reason he wouldn’t want to move and #2 reason he isn’t crazy about my sister’s husband. Although he would welcome them.
Any ideas, tips or thoughts about how to move parents because they need assistance and cannot care for themselves in a large home that is not safe for them (obstacles that guarantee a fall).
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read and respond.
For this to be appropriate, you and your brother need to agree, and then have a meeting where you lay it on the line that you will NOT continue to help them. They NEED help, but it must be paid, not free from you (or the neighbors). Dad will melt down. You walk out. Go back three days later, together, with the same ultimatum. Give your mother the same line. Perhaps take her with you so you do both together - then they can talk about it together.
You also need to convince the neighbors, who might otherwise call APS (not that that’s the end of the world either). Your line to the neighbors should probably be that if they disagree, they can pick up all the duties that you and brother have been doing – or come up with a better way to get paid help.
My guess is that you aren’t yet ready to do this. But at least think about it! While you are propping him up, he has no reason to change his mind. And mother will get more and more difficult.
Please consider looking into assisted living. But it is not going to be easy to get them to move.
Long story short - my parents were similar. Mom has Alzheimers since 2016. Dad had undiagnosed Vascular Dementia (he finally got diagnosed at the end of his life). My mom could no longer cook, clean, take pills, function in their home. Dad was in denial about her Alzheimers, said she just wasn't "trying hard enough" to remember things. Dad was a product of the 50s, had COPD and 24/7 oxygen and refused to cook, clean, care for my mom because "nothing is wrong with her". It was a very bad probably 3 years. My dad was verbally abusive to me, my sister and my mom. Fast forward to Dec. 2022, Dad got the flu, basically stopped eating and drinking for about a week, somehow he figured out how to send me a text message (first one in months and my mom didn't even know what a phone was at that point). I drove to their house, dad was not making any sense. I called 911 and the medics diagnosed dad as "failure to thrive" (i.e. not eating, not drinking, basically dying). Got him to the hospital, then to a rehab facility. The rehab gave him physical therapy and 3 square meals a day. As he got stronger he still insisted he was going home. My sister and I argued, fought, cried, put our feet down that mom could NOT go home - regardless of where he went to live, we were putting mom in a facility (legally I don't think we could have done this because the dr said he was "of sound mind", but he didn't know that). We enlisted the help of the rehab social worker and he finally relented that he would go to assisted living. He was still super angry with us and it was really difficult to visit him and I left abruptly many times when he started his verbal abuse. 2 months into the AL living, his dr. diagnosed him with end stage COPD and 1 month later he was put on hospice and passed. My mom was then moved to the memory care unit and has been there for 1.5 years now.
Long story short - my sister and I knew it was going to take a catastrophe to pry my dad out of his house and it did. Then it took some creative "lying" to convince him to move. Although he never admitted it to me or my sister, he did admit to his grandson that "life was much easier for them in AL". I truly believe that if he had moved to AL sooner (at east 2 years), he would have extended his life as dealing with my mom 24/7 took it's toll on his health.
I pray that I never put my children through that nonsense. I have told them regardless of what I say, when it is time - move me to AL.
* In most cases you can not "force" someone out of their home if they have not been declared incompetent.
In that case unfortunately you have to wait....wait until something happens that will force a move out of necessity. (generally it is a fall and that goes from floor to hospital to rehab to either Assisted Living, Memory Care of Skilled Nursing whatever is appropriate care level)
If you or a sibling is "helping" dad out this is just reinforcing his delusion that he can remain home and you all will take care of things.
So STOP doing all that you are doing to help prop him up and burst that delusion of independence bubble.
Now to your sister. God bless her and her husband that they are willing to have mom and dad move in. BUT you say he is a "hoarder, he battles you (meltdown, verbally aggressive)" Does your sister and her husband really want him in the house? The verbally aggressive can become more physically aggressive as time goes by, are they willing to deal with that?
2 people with physical, mental and emotional limitations is a lot to bring into the house. Even with caregivers 12 hours a day and 6 to 7 days a week,
I think the cost of that added to the stress of your parents living with her family the cost of Assisted Living would be less.
Another side comment has your dad seen a doctor recently? Some of the attributes you mention are common with some forms of dementia. And with your mom's stroke it is possible that she has Vascular dementia. In any case things will not get easier they will get more difficult even with caregivers. Are they ready for when a Hoyer Lift has to be used to move mom or dad from the bedroom to the bathroom or to a chair? It will be difficult for your sister and her husband to have a "normal life" and have time for themselves and their family.
Your best strategy is to stop helping him and give him the illusion that he's independent and that his wife will ever be able to safely go back there, whether she wants to or not.
Everyone needs to stop inserting themselves, and then you keep reporting him to APS. If he has not assigned a PoA, you and your siblings have no legal power to force him to move out. You'd have to become his legal guardian, or allow a judge to assign a 3rd party guardian. Even the person with legal authority will have a tricky time getting a resistance adult to cooperate. Everyone may need to wait until he has a medical emergency that requires a trip to the ER. Then once he is out he may be able to be transitioned to a different place.
Your Mom may do better in a good facility where at least there are activities, medical care and social exposure. I would find out if she qualifies for LTC, which is covered by Medicaid.
Her wanting to "go home" may be her sundowning, which is a very common dementia behavior. They are not referring to their prior home, but a safe place in their mind. My Aunt with dementia sundowned and wanted to go home every afternoon, even though she was sitting in the house she'd lived in since 1975.
It will be hard and very emotional at first but then things will get better once your parents have proper care solutions. You and your siblings should consider a group consultation with a therapist who specializes in hoarding disorder so that you can learn healthy and clear boundaries with your Dad.
I have a sibling who’s a hoarder. We’ve cleaned out the hoard twice, at his request, both times it’s come back within months and is there now in a new home he bought. It’s a mental condition not easily overcome, most certainly not without a desire to change the behavior. Is your sister prepared to have her home hoarded? Is she prepared for constant open hostility from dad?
Dad is currently being given the illusion of his independence by others propping him up in his home. It may take an agreement by all involved to stop all help to make him see he’s not capable of living on his own, or he may still never see it. I’d start with making sure all legal documents are in place, and sister is very sure she wants to take this on, then make no more attempts to reason with your parents as they’ve seemingly lost the ability to do so. Consider whether they will ultimately go along with a move or if the fight is going to be too great at this point. I’m sorry you’re all in this position
Who has the DPOA and can make solid decisions for them? If no one there is nothing that can be done about selling their house in the first place.
Your father is not independent, others are his crutch, stop catering to him and if he does not have dementia he will figure it out that he cannot live alone. If he has dementia, that is where the DPOA comes into play.
Me, I would rethink your approach, I would opt to sell the house and place them together in a facility where they will have 24/7 care.
Good Luck!